I Like The Bus, Okay‽

I usually catch the bus 10 times a week.

There are a few times I really hate catching the bus. I hate it when it gets invaded by 30 children. I only like interracting with children on my terms, and even then I only like some of them. I'm hoping like hell that I like my own children. 
I hate waiting in the cold. 
Yesterday while I was waiting for the bus, homeless guy #1 brought a cigi off homeless guy #2. #2 was mad because #1 only gave him 11 cents. Then #2 dropped a penny on the ground and when I told him he dropped some money he said "I don't want a fucking penny, even I'm not that desperate!" He looked at me like I was the one with all the problems. Next he mutters about how the going rate for a cigarette is at least 25 cents and he simply won't accept less. Then he kicked the penny further away and I said I was just trying to help out then he (accidently?) threw the wine out of his cup and towards me. So that was fun.
I always try and make sense of situations like this. Yah-know. The how and the why. Then I remind myself that I may never understand alcoholism or this particular guy's mental illness.

I catch the bus but I don't hate it anymore.

• Sometimes I find notes. I'm doing this thing where I pick up notes that I find. Usually it's at the supermarket (shopping lists yay!) or in cafes or on the bus or anywhere else really. I'm going to compile the more interesting ones and make a book out of them and make approximately a million and three dollars. Here's something I once found on the bus:

First there was a list: 

- Vanilla yoghurt
- Hummus
- Pita bread
- Crystal light 
- Cereal 
- Milk

Then there were words of inspiration:

Caress. In a world where you can be anything...Be yourself. 
There is only one happiness in life - to love and be loved. - George Sand
* Money might make you wealthy, but friends make you RICH. 

Next, there was this: 

Some people have too many feelings. 

Followed by some terrible song lyrics:

My nigga I'm a beast
I can go 30 days and nights I no sleep
Like the mice in the streets
The only meal that I see everyday is my cheese
I don't think you can catch up
Keep up, hey, keep up, hey. 

There was some more stuff. too. 

First critique: What kind of cereal?
Second critique: Nice Akon song, guuurl. (I guess the cheese reference was okay...)

Am I a creeper keeping other peoples' notes? Eek. 

• Maybe I can pretend that I live in a really big and exciting city where unless you are superrich and have your own driver, everyone takes public transport. Then I don't feel like 90% of the people on the bus are below the poverty line. 
• People-watching.
• Sometimes I having a competition to see who has the nicest hair on the bus. Sometimes it's me. This isn't saying much.
• Another competition: Try to make the bus driver smile.
• I didn't catch the bus I would never read.
• People are so effing weird. When the bus pulled up to pick me up on Friday, there was a strange-looking bald man also waiting. As the bus arrived, he muttered to himself (maybe to me also?) "I'm a fucking genius!" And I'm like...riiiiiight. Takes a genius to figure out when the bus is going to come. Then he did that thing where he got off the bus two stops up the road. Yes I am judging him. He waited for the bus longer than it would have taken him to walk there. And it wasn't even raining! 
• On the same bus ride, some punk kid walks up to the rubbish bin and hoikes up a loogie. So the bus driver says in a southern/rural drawl: "Do that again and you're gon' have to get off this bus!" He was probably just rural, because I feel like southerners with thick accents might never leave the south. They're too busy trying to pray the gay away. So guy who spat in the bin starts eating something out of his hand. He's literally licking his hand. Like a 10-year-old with Raro back in 1998. Remember that phase? I do. It was odd. Also, all his clothes were two sizes to big. People are fascinating. 
• Then I passed the sign that reads 'Stone Cutters'. Whenever I used to look up at that sign I would usually think of that stonecutters episode from The Simpsons, and now I always think of that episode, since whenever I see that sign, I'm reminded that I used to think of that stonecutters episode. If you get my drift.
• So that's what happened that day.
• If I ever say 'I don't believe in using cars' (which I may never say) then I won't be a hypocrite. I actually do believe that cities should be built for people and not cars. Go Portland. People in Portland who complain about the system can go suck it. Try living in Auckland with no car.
• I kind of like awkward situations with strangers. 
• I like to stare out the window.

So that's the bus.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• You guys might not be the right people to deal with this, but the light in the laundry room for my apartment works on a sensor. Sometimes it doesn't switch on for up to 45 seconds, and I'm standing in a dark empty room waving my hands about like a sad weirdo. 
• I don't get this whole 'Spotify' thing.
• I mean, I guess I get it. I just don't want people knowing when I'm listening to power ballads. Hint: I'm listening to power ballads Right. Now.
• Watch this.

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas.

Cheerio

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Like Television

Quite some time ago I wrote about why I really love a show called Hoarders. To be honest, I have quite a soft spot for television that I know is crap, but it's the best kind bad television, so in my books, it's beaten the odds and it's actually good.
I have only just come to terms with admitting that I love some television that maybe I shouldn't. As an educated 23-year-old, I should be doing more productive things with my time. Maybe I should be reading Dostoyevsky, writing essays, or applying for real jobs. 

Generally crap television can only be categorised as 'worst' and 'best'. Don't give me any of that 'middle-ground' noise. Here goes:

The Worst Crap Television

• Ice Road Truckers. Every episode is the same and it is like this: "My name is Earl and I'm a trucker. 10-4. I'm tough because I drive the biggest truck AND I drive it in Alaska! I carry so much spool pipe today but it's okay because I have dose 'heavy load' signs. The weather might do something bad today and shit! Look! ICE! 10-100. Gotta eat me a burger." Repeat for six seasons. Six. Seasons. 
• Teen Mom
• Here Comes Honey Boo Boo 
• Anything about a real housewife from anywhere. They're just so...real. 
• MTV's Made
• Tool Academy
• Room Raiders
• Date My Mom
• The Next Bus

The Best Crap Television

• Hoarders. I already wrote about that. If you haven't read it, then here's the link. 
• Extreme Couponing. One of the main value points I find in this show is that it makes me hate couponing so much that I will never feel bad about not saving any coupons, even if the coupon is for something I really would buy. Which is not often. Because these coupons never seem to be for real food. 
• RuPaul's Drag Race. More 'personality' than you can shake a stick at. 
• My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Trying to understanding all the hypocrisies and intricacies of their religion/culture thang baffles me. Plus, the accents are so bad that they are almost good. 
• Amish in the City. This is why: My understanding is that Amish people are able to take 'a year off' to experience city life. I am under the impression that during this year they are can partake in any kind of debauchery that they care for. When this year comes to an end, they have to decide wether to return to their Amish village or never go back and be disowned by their family. Apparently TLC is starting a new show called Breaking Amish - similar to Amish in the City I believe. It might be good! 
• Airline (British version, bitch please). This is why: Travellers turn into monsters and they are great to watch. They are often tired and irrational and many of them have awful accents. Despite them being on the telly, sometimes their hair looks worse than mine. Liz: 1 Passangers: 0. 
• Addendum: They're flying with EasyJet. Liz: 1 Passangers: -1. 
• Both Flavor of Love and the popular spin-off I Love New York. I find it fascinating to watch a show where the main cast member and most of the contestants are disgusting, dysfunctional, and they're looking for  'love'. Highlight: When the contestants receive their nicknames. Priceless. Other highlight: Buckwild. Other highlight: When Somthin' shits on the floor. 
• Cops. It's a classic.
• Wife Swap. For me this is a great example of a show that finds families who are polar opposites and puts them together in an attempt to shake the apple tree. Mums be crazy. One of my favourite scenes is watching this poor girl try and hit rocks with a golf club. She is not allowed toys for some reason so she has to make her own fun. Sad, yet uplifting. She seems happy enough. Here's a video of crystal rock smashing.
• Brat Camp. These kids really don't know how to hike. At all. Some of them are actually quite witty. I used to watch it as a teenager when my parents were in the room in the hope that they would realise that I wasn't a complete shit like the kids from Brat Camp. 
• Beauty and the Geek. I think it's really nice when they become friends. I hope it's real. 
• Made in Chelsea - Could easily be compared to The Hills. Set in London; primarily Chelsea. Characters are sleek, and much more sophisticated than their American counterparts. They are genuinely hilarious and less back-stabby so I have yet to lose faith in the entire human race. MIC sometimes makes me feel a bit shit about myself though. They are all heirs to some kind of fortune (they seem to be entrepreneurs on the side though, and I think this is because they want to give off the impression that they are self-made), they have good genes and better jeans. Essentially, I want their lives. 

Some people would say that reality television makes you dumb. I think that sometimes you can learn things. Things I have learned from Made in Chelsea:

• If you are a girl you must have a Chloé bag, but it must be in a different colour to all your friends' Chloé bags. 
• I want a man who plays polo. Mostly so I have more opportunity to say the word 'polo', but when I do I can say it more like 'pouloow'.
• "Fake tan is probably the most offensive thing in the world."
• If I go out on a Tuesday night then I'm a 'sad weirdo'. Sunday night, however, is a more than acceptable date night. 
• A bi best friend is 'the cheap equivalent of the gay best friend.'
• "Roald Dahl didn't write Winnie the Pooh, darling."
• "Food? Chelsea girls don't eat!" 
• Every social situation must include either champagne or a cocktail. Regardless of the place or hour. 

The most perplexing moment in reality television for me has been trying to figure out if Bret Michaels has real hair. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• Do you know what I miss? Clouds that are shapes. Portland is either all grey sky or all blue sky. And I'm all thinking come on, sky! You're always the same! BE DIFFERENT. READY, GO!!! 
• Some animals like the Siberian salamander and a few kinds of frogs can survive being frozen for a long time! Maybe when I grow up, I wanna be an amphibian. 
• Watch this! It's the best. Fucking. Love. Sponges. 

I will write again this week.

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo

These Things Don't Exist

Some people love conspiracy theories and believe all kinds of noise like that the moon landing didn't happen and hey, while we are at it, neither did 9/11. Now, I am neither a rocket scientist nor a demolitions expert so I feel uninformed to start a fight. If you try and tell me with 100% certainty that the moon landing didn't happen, for shizzle, then I'm gonna be all like how the fuck do you know?  You're not a rocket scientist and neither am I, and you're probably going to get a bit of a slap.  Let's talk about big cats because they definitely exist and they're okay in my books. 

Having said that, there are some things out there which I think are fabricated. 

Here's my list of things that don't actually exist: 

• Arabian Days. It just went from night to night because why else would they make so many stories?
• The hour between 10pm and 11pm. So I'm all like I have a bedtime and it should be somewhere between 10pm and 11pm so I can continue to be a normal human-being where I sleep at night-time and am active during the day. (I would love to be crepuscular, but one time I tried that and it was quite weird. More on that another day). So I'm all: BITCHEZ NEED SLEEP. It's 9.59pm and time to maybe start thinking about this 'bed' thing and I know that in a mere one minute it will be 11pm. This is because somewhere between watching the end of an episode of Community and brushing my teeth and making one more cup of tea and laughing a little bit with my flatmate (maybe about portmanteaus or boyz?) and sitting on the edge of my couch with my knees all tucked up into myself because it's warm and for some reason I'm wearing god-awful-yet-awesome velvet pants which I literally just want to touch and right now I don't know what a comma is. I mean, I'm fucking comfortable, and despite knowing my bed will be more comfortable, you just try telling me that right now. Suddenly, it's well passed 11pm that hour actually didn't exist. 
• Legitimate inspiration for the song 'Holla back girl'. This shit is bananas. B A N A N A S. Fuck yes. 
• A bad time to drink tea. Every time of the day is tea time.  
• Stupid Germans. Logically, they should exist. But you haven't ever met one, have you? Didn't think so...
• Good dubstep must be the best oxymoron.
• Apparently there's a swimming stroke that goes by the name 'butterfly'. For one, butterflies fly, they don't swim, so it's a bit fucked. Just like how people believe that the moon landing was a kinda expensive movie made for a television audience obsessed with being better than the commies, I think this so-called swim stroke was made up for an Olympic television audience obsessed with seeing swimmers do something that was impossible, looks funny, and is quite inefficient. 
• Me coming up with a succinct and honest answer to the question 'so...what kind of music do you like?' The kind of music I like is lots of things, but more than anything I like it when you don't ask me that. It's a 'me' problem and not a 'you' problem. I guess I just haven't figured out a way to explain to people that I like reggaeton and Matchbox Twenty and Westlife without people thinking I am a musical shithead. But I like other music too! 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I love Christmas and Home Alone so much that I just listened to all the music from that movie, including the song that goes: 'diing ding ding diing baa ba ba baa, and then 'laa da da da laa da da da'. You know the one. I pretty much feel like setting booby traps NOW so my home doesn't get broken into. Then I remember that home is where the heart is and I don't really have a heart so it's all good. Kidding. To be real, once I finally acquire a Christmas sweater, no one can touch my shit because I will be so freaking contagiously wholesome. That's a rule. 
• I'm a little bit tipsy so I'm sorry if this is shit for you to read. 
• Wouldn't it be cool if you had a mask you put on when it was sunny and the mask was a Batman mask, and then you got tanned so you had a Batman tan lines. Then, not only do you look like you could be Batman, but you also look like you know how to holiday. 
• You actually must watch this. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. But mostly happy! 

Okay I have to go now

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Day Hacks

Sometimes life can be a bit shit. I know we aren't starving orphans where having no socks is the least of our problems. Let's be realistic. But there are times when daily life can be a little mundane. We wake up. We shower. We commute to work. We work. We commute back home. Blah blah blah. Repeat. Maybe we get to throw in a cheeky impromptu pun, or some tequila, or a game of Twister. Suddenly life becomes a little more fun. Could it be better? Yes. This is where my day hacks come in. 

To break the humdrum of the day-to-day drag, I made a few day hacks which I get maybe a little too excited about. 

Martini Monday
A martini must be taken on any given Monday. The preference is that you dress smart. If I were a man, the ideal outfit would be a pinstripe suit and a fancy hat. I'm not a man, and I don't own a pinstripe suit. I also don't know how I feel about pant suits, but one day I might give it a go. 
One of my friends has a philosophy which goes like this: Dress well, test well. He would dress nicely in hope of this influencing how well he does in his exam. My new philosophy is this: Dress well, martini well. Yeah I just made 'martini' into a verb. DEAL. I haven't actually done Martini Monday yet, and to be fair, I've only had one martini in my life. I don't even think it was a proper martini. My friend and I ordered them at our lodgings in Samoa. I'm pretty sure they didn't know how to make a martini and it was quite rank. 
Martini Monday WILL happen the next Monday, and I'll let you know how it goes for me.  


Whiquila Wednesday 
Whiquila is a drink which I made up. It's a shot of whisky and tequila together! It has all the benefits of both, being that it makes you fun and more fun. The bonus is that it doesn't make you horny or angry or sleepy! It tastes okay, and everyone thinks it's gonna be gross but then I make them take a shot with me and they love it! 


Fun Cereal Friday
I got this idea when I was still in high school. One of my friends Eli and I used to have Pie Day Friday. We would each take turns to buy us both pies from the school canteen. This stopped when we got into a fight about whose turn it was to buy the pies. To this day I swear Eli still owes me three pies. I mean, I'm over it though. Like, I don't even care anymore.
I don't even eat pies so of corse it doesn't even matter. It was eight years ago. 
Also, the pies were making me a little round.
Point is, I decided to do another fun thing on Friday to replace Pie Day Friday which had ended most abruptly. For this I did Fun Cereal Friday which is where I had cocoa pops on Friday because they were more fun than the healthier breakfast I had on the other days.
Now that I am in the States, there is whole new world of cereals available for me to sample every week. Rules: The cereal must look fun (it probably has a puzzle on the back of the package or some kind of cereal mascot like Cap'n Crunch), and it must be quite unhealthy. I'm not supposed to feel wholesome when I'm eating it, I'm supposed to feel slightly rebellious. 
Some of us went through this phase when we left home where we are all like "Screw you, Mum. I can eat whatever I want for breakfast!" So we did. Then we probably stopped. Now I'm starting again. But just on a Friday. Hopefully all the little balls of sugary-coated delight wont all cut my mouth open so much. We all know the cereal rule: The better it tastes, the more it cuts your mouth up.  

Icecream Sunday - See what I did there? Eh? Eeeehh? If you know my points system, you know I get a point when I eat icecream. As a family, we used to have icecream for pudding on Sunday. My brother thought it was kind of dumb. He's all: "Why the fuck can't we have icecream whenever we want?" And then Mum's all: "BECAUSE I SAID SO NAGNAGNAG!" Kidding. She doesn't really sound like that. Whenever Mum wasn't home, we would make Dad give us icecream even on a Wednesday or something CRAZY like that. 
I'm a big fan of the icecream on a Sunday rule. It means that I don't eat it every day, since I know Sunday must be only six or fewer days away.  The great thing about Portland is that there are all kinds of icecream shops where you can get all kinds of different icecream like honey lavender and maple bacon and chevre with bourbon pecan caramel if you're a food snob, and eggnog custard imuststopthisbeforeihaveanicecreamgasm!!!!

I still have three more days of the week to make up day hacks for. I need them to sound snappy. I need it to be fun but easy. Thoughts: Yours please. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• What's up with the patterns on bus seats? Seriously. What are they? 
• Maybe I should just have Angry Thursday. Thursday is my Monday, therefore I don't like it. Nothing good can happen!
• Microwave minute > washing machine minute > normal minute. 
• Watch this please thank you. 

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Don't Go To Work Today

Most days I go to work, but some days, I don't.

A day off in the life of Liz is not as exciting as it should be. Warning: Writing about to-do list features heavily, however actually doing things on to-do list doesn't happen so much. 

Here is what I do:

• Make to-do list
• On to-do list, put down a few things that I did last night and cross them off. That way, I will not feel like a total failure today. 
• Make list of food that I like from other countries. Why? Because I like lists, and I like food.  Feel sad that I will never be in one place where it is easy to obtain all of these foods. List contains dulce de leche, mangos all the time and I want at least one a day but for 20c only, mango sticky rice, more mangos, milo, peanut butter cups, empanadas, Gingernuts, Ben and Jerry's, Marmite, this really good beer that I had in Canada and no I am never turning into a beer snob but it was actually amazing. 
• Who is this Honey Boo Boo character? Research must be done.
• Watch episode.
• Regret decision. 
• Realise I cannot concentrate on actual things without a clean workspace.
• Clean workspace.
• Clean more things, because I can't just clean one thing. Clean thing is making dirty things look even dirtier in comparison. 
• I want to run.
• Remember that I can't run and get angry about it.
• I could do some other kind of exercise right? Or I could angrily eat candy corn instead. 
• Choose the latter. 
• Check news from home. On front cover of news website will invariably be a picture of a six-year-old boy who found a rusty old coin in his neighbour's garden. 
• How do I make quinoa really fluffy? Apparently quinoa has recently gone mainstream. Do I even want it anymore? It used to be the grain 'you've probably never heard of'. Currently imagining tiny quinoa thingies with moustaches and fixies. 
• Do personal admin, such as replying to emails and balancing my books. I need a personal assistant STAT.  
• Make grocery list. Yes, grocery list is on to-do list. So right now I have a to-do list of to-do lists. Brilliant. 
• Don't bother putting empanadas or mango sticky rice on grocery list. 
• Find sleeping bag because it's cold.
• Make tea because it's still cold AND bitchez love tea. 
• Get drunk and ask all the boys if I'm pretty. 
• LOL JK.
• Eat quinoa, but it isn't as fluffy as predicted. It's okay though, I guess. Fluffy isn't even my favourite texture of food so don't worry. At least it didn't turn into a paste. I think I like gummy things the best.
• Take photo of grocery list? Will it look backwards on Photo Booth? Is it like a mirror? How does that even work? Why do I look so weird on Photo Booth?
• Pull silly face.
• Take photo.
• Repeat.
• Shit. Photo Booth DOES do the backwards mirror thing. Use camera. 
• Show grocery list to you guys because I'm so narcissistic.
• I'm doing this thing where I listen to all the music on my iTunes and delete the stuff that I don't want. I do this because sometimes my music is on shuffle and some indie electronic crap will come on. Song might not even have any words, which means I don't know how I should feel inside. I have no idea how the heck it got on my iTunes and who even sings it. Where I was going with this is right now I'm up to the part where my favourite christmas carol is being sung by N Sync a cappella-style so yes I'm okay right now. And yes, this song is a keeper.  
• Go to supermarket. Still getting distracted by all the American things, especially in the cereal isle and the candy isle. And the frozen isle.
• Write on to-do list things that I did this morning which weren't already on to-do list, so I feel as though I have stuck to to-do list. Yes, I even put 'eat candy corn' and 'shower' on to-do list. 
• Go and play in trampoline park in Portland because bouncing should always be fun, no matter how old you are. Trampoline park was on to-do list. Also, every day off needs at least one fun activity. 

THE END

Here is my grocery list:

I hope you like it. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I think a great way to exert superiority is to start calling people 'serfs' and 'bastards' (but in a loving way). Let's bring those words back.  
• MUST.BUY.CHRISTMAS.JUMPER.
• This week I learned that dogs can get stuck when they are mating. Apparently there are two kinds of people in the world: those who know about this and those who don't. Half the people I told this were all like 'No shit, Liz. You're dumb. Have you been living under a rock?' The other half were just as surprised as me. So yeah. That happens. You're welcome. 
• Here. Watch this. Cat's are dogs, too.

Have a great week

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I'm a Smart Girl, but I'm not Always Right

Sometimes I am wrong. I made a list of things I thought I knew. This was way back when Pluto was still a planet and everyone agreed that the Triceratops was a proper dinosaur. 

• I thought I was invincible at Cluedo. One day, I lost, and I haven't played since. This is not just because it's not everyday that you get offered the chance to participate in the second best board game, but also I'm scared because I don't know exactly who I am anymore. I thought I could figure out all the clues, dammit. Half the time, it's that bitch Mrs. White. 
• A flying fox is not just a freaking awesome piece of playground, but also an animal. You can even call them megabats if you want. Isn't that great? LOOK AT THE PICTURE!
• I have this theory about fruit that I may have told you before. If the effort involved in  eating a particular piece of fruit outweighs the deliciousness of eating it, then it's a no-go. Think sticky hands. Think juice going everywhere. Think rind under fingernails. Think seeds and pips in teeth. Think where the blimin' heck do I put the skin? I've seen enough Vaudville to both appreciate the potential slapstick value in the banana skin but also realise the danger. As an economics student who loves cost and benefit and all those nerdy things, I contemplated my theory for quite some time. Many graphs and equations were made. Well, not really. That being said, I honestly thought that the humble grapefruit was dead to me. Then, I discovered the GRAPEFRUIT SPOON! Great invention, guys. It's like the superhero of the utensil world. Hell, why can't these spoons be wearing capes?  
• I thought those Glacé cherries were made out of some kind of edible plastic. I now know they're REAL cherries. (I guess‽) 
• I was wrong about going to step class. For me, this is never a good idea.  Today, I accidentally kicked a girl in the head. 
• After listening to Mumford and Sons repeatedly on the way to and from Canada, I realised that the song 'Lion Man' could actually be about a lion-man hybrid. Most of the lyrics point to yes. 
• Duct tape is not called 'duck tape'. However, there is a brand of duct tape called 'Duck tape'. Well played.   
• I just want Alicia Keys (and Jay-Z, for that matter) to tell me what a wet dream tomato is. 
• The Who was not wondering what it was like to be Batman behind blue eyes. 
• I always thought mayonnaise was yucky.
• Wait. I got that right. Mayonnaise IS yucky.
• Since playing The Oregon Trail, I thought certain diseases sounded trivial. A typical conversation in the wagon would go like this: "Ma, I can't eat this stewed rabbit just this minute. Don't worry, I'll be done with my cholera soon." Cholera is actually quite bad.
• You are allowed to return the baby birds to the nests if you see them stranded. Don't worry, their mums will still like them. I've never seen a baby bird stranded though. Where are they at? 
• I have been looking for a substitute for Griffin's Gingernuts dunked in a milky cup of tea. I'm starting to worry that no substitute exists. 
• Getting drunk WILL give me a notorious hangover and I will be shit at work the next day or I just won't even be able to move for 12 hours. Life is NOT like it used to be when I was 16 and a milkshake and a slice of pizza would make me feel 110% again so I could continue being passive-aggressive with my parents and GO.  
• Sex in a Subaru doesn't count.
• Is it three or four musketeers? Did they even have muskets? To me it just sounds like they should be little mice. Who are armed. With muskets. Did they already make a sequel to Stewart Little? 
• Being in a plane adds at least one star to crappy movies, and it adds all five stars to RuPaul's Drag Race and Extreme Couponing. 
• Lending books is never just lending them. Imagine you are giving away free gifts, therefore you must realise that you will never see them again. 

Other things from me this week:

• It's time to start baking again. This week I will attempt a pumpkin pie because of this 'America' thing that I am doing right now. Maybe I'll do it with real pumpkin instead of the instant pumpkin that 'they' use. Do you know why? I'm not a cheater, that's why. (I hope you're not allergic to my pretentiousness. To be fair, I think I'm only 2% pretentious.) Also, next time you see me I will be the size of a house, because if you make the pie, you gotta eat the pie. 
• I learned about a new dinosaur. It's in my top five. 
• Playing Bingo with old people will also happen soon and I will most likely write a report on it. Old people are actually great. 
• We have Christmas lights up. It's not Christmas time yet but a) Bitchez need to see the things in their lounge, and b) Christmas lights are fun, as is Christmas. Speaking of which, I need to find a dashing Christmas jumper for the harsh Oregon winter. Ha. 
• You should probably watch this. Consider it your homework. 

Bye guys and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Liz Tritops

Halloween 101

Hi Halloween

You're mostly new to me because:

1) I'm from a small and isolated island which struggles to celebrate things with gusto. Sometimes we try to copy American traditions because we see them on the telly and we think they might be fun, but we kinda suck at it. 
2) One of the main halloween activities, Trick-or-treating, was never allowed by Mother. This is because she is 55% CrazyChristian. Don't worry though, she's also a nice lady. Some other parents just thought it was rude to bang on peoples' doors asking for lollies. Fairplay. 

I think I really like Halloween, I just need to find out for sure. Is 23 too old to start Trick-or-treating? Here's my take on it: In Halloween years, I'm an infant. So if anything, I'm too young to be Trick-or-treating. I will go with my friend who is sufficiently small that she can look like a child if she tries hard enough. Pigtails? Scrunchies? Child-like voice? Over-excitement about candy? Tonight, we ARE young! 
Mean Girls taught me to dress like a slut for Halloween. Am I going to? No. I think I will be Mario. I look good with a moustache. I would wear one everyday if society would allow it. 

Here are some things that have confused me about Halloween thus far:
- I had no idea that there were special pumpkins for carving and people grew them in patches. I don't know how to carve pumpkins but I'm excited! My friend and I went to a pumpkin patch on this island close to Portland. A highlight was seeing cute Asians taking cute photos of a cute puppy in amongst many tiny pumpkins. It was like Where's Wally? but instead it was 'Where's Puppy?'. Except that it wasn't as difficult as Where's Wally? because puppy looked nothing like pumpkins, and puppy wouldn't stay still.  (So really it wasn't like Where's Wally? at all. Bah. I guess I just wanted it to be.) I was classy and took a photo of Asians taking photos. METAMETA. Another highlight was seeing more than five white trash people. I enjoy this because it makes me feel good about myself. 
- How can something that looks and feels like plastic taste so good? Yeah, candy corn. I'm talking about you! 
- So many things to buy! Look at these 'humorous' pet costumes. I haven't tried much of all the Halloween-specific candy, and, to be honest, right now I'm scared that there is too much candy and not enough time. This is where I become desperate and start doing things like finding recipes for candy corn smoothies, and subsequently turning something which is supposed to be healthy for you into a request for diabetes.   
- I had heard the term 'hayride' before but I didn't really understand what it was. Turns out you just sit on top of some hay in the back of a truck. While this was perfectly satisfactory, and somewhat idilic, I did think it was going to be more racy and adventurous, like a Ferris wheel on hay bales, or like the Giant Drop, but you don't just drop a giant distance, you also land in a big pile of hay. This would probably be a bit shit if you have Hayfever, but I'm not allergic to anything so fuck the rest, right? If you try telling me that 'Hayfever isn't actually caused by hay' in a wanky I-know-more-than-you voice, then I will just laugh at you for being allergic to pet dander, gluten, water, glucose, shells, fish, shellfish, and boys. And hay.
- Mischief night: Have you heard of it and do you do mischief? Supposedly it's an excuse to run around and do slightly bad things, but only on the night before Halloween. 
- Pumpkin-flavoured everything! TEA! COFFEE! PIES! BREAD! CREAM CHEESE! VODKA! BEER! PUMPKINGASM! 

I am acting as a Halloween protégé for my flatmate. She is excited because not only does she love Halloween, but she also gets to make me do many fun things with her. Essentially, it's a massive win-win. 'They' tell me that part of the Halloween experience is watching scary movies. Some of these movies make me feel funny. Every time I watch something involving torture I feel really icky. I don't know how normal people enjoy these movies. From now on, we are only allowed watch cute Halloween movies. Am I soft? Maybe.  

All of that aside, surely Halloween walks of shame are at least five times funnier. 

I'm giving Americana a gold star right now. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I think I will marry a Greek man. The main reason for this is so I can have a surname that sounds much more like a genus of dinosaur.
• I did that thing that I announced a few months ago, which was to run a half marathon. I had fun almost for the whole 21k and now I want to run 42k and maybe even more than that. Soon I will be Batman! 
• How do people think mazes are fun? There is nothing fun about getting lost and having to find your way. Yes, I know it's a 'game'. It's probably not that huge or that difficult, but what if you actually can't get out? 
• Watch this! You really must. 

Thanks for reading and I hope you have the BEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER! 

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Adventures in Whole Foods

Going to Whole Foods involves spending all your money on organic, gluten free, free range, and vegan things.You love all the animals as much as you love your leather boots, and you smoke your American Spirits because you love your country.

You feel healthy just walking inside!

Here are some things that happen at Whole Foods:

- Sometimes you see 'half foods' and 'quarter foods' or foods which are cut into even smaller pieces. 
- Yoga Mums with yoga bums in yoga pants.
- Their three-year-olds smell like antioxidants and have distinctly smoother skin than the three-year-olds one would see at Walmart.
- There are many under-employed hipsters. Don't worry, they still have their trust funds!
- One time I went up to the mezzanine level of whole foods and was given a tasty smoothie which I think they sell for $37.50. Inside of smoothie was bananas, dates, soy milk, and peanut butter. It was amazing. You should make it for $2.50 at home. 
- All of the cashiers don't actually believe in time. I know this because every time I wait in line, the cashier doesn't have any sense of this thing called 'urgency'. Too high? Maybe. I feel strongly that the novel concept of 'urgency' should be used when there is a queue-type situation happening.  See, normal, non-hipster people actually have things to do at certain times, thus allowing the world to work with more efficiency. This is why conversations should end once payment for groceries has been made. I know putting things in paper bags can be tricksy. It's harder than Tetris. But if I could do it when I was 15, then the good sir who looks 32 AND has intelligence in his eyes should be able to figure it out. 
- I just wasted an hour playing Tetris because that's how easily I get distracted. 
- All of the girl cashiers wear bandanas as headbands, because they haven't realised that all of them are doing it yet.
- Buy a 'Make your own kombucha!' kit! It only takes 30 days to make!
- Wait. Don't buy one. By the time it ferments, kombucha will be OVER.
- One time I got served by a guy whose name I know but will not mention. He has those thick-framed glasses that he doesn't actually need. Also, I can't work out if he is really young or really old if youknowwhatimean. It makes me feel funny. When he checked my I.D. he made some comment about how awesome it is that I'm from New Zealand because it's obviously the closest thing to paradise and how I'm so worldly, and how all his colleagues are really dumb because he bets 'none of them even know who Julian Assange is, but they're still allowed to vote'! He proceeds to talk to me about Julian Assange for five minutes while packing my groceries as slowly as possible so that he can finish his rant. I was late to be important. 
- It's okay because he's attractive. 
- Let's also buy bottled water for our dogs. French Bulldogs do deserve the best. 

Now all I want to do is run away to go work in a communal farm in Hawaii. Yes! I have three months for that...

Nothing further.

Have a great day

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Made a Flowchart About Hybrid Animals

Sometimes I get a sharp pang of jealousy when I find out that people I know have their lives more sorted than me. 
'Sorted' may or may not mean:
- They are dressed more nicely and being more thin.
- They are buying blenders and their first mattresses which were not the second cheapest in the store.
- They may also be buying Christmas ornaments and blenders, because they know where they live, AND they have prettier Christmases than me, and make nicer smoothies than me.  
- They have long post-class conversations with their yoga teacher, whose name is either Winter or Ginseng.
- They have a new puppy, or their boyfriend has a new puppy. Maybe even both? The puppies play together. 

In these moments of jealousy, I feel like it's high time I did something to arrange a job where:
- I get to wear power heels, but it's okay because I magically, overnight, learned how to walk like a godess in them. 
- I go to Monday morning meetings, and I LIKE THEM because...
- I have a mimosa before my Monday morning meetings. I know you're thinking 'but Liz, mimosas are for Sunday brunch, not Monday morning!' Wait! I love my job so much that Monday morning is to be celebrated, dammit!
- Mimosa is prepared by boyfriend with new puppy. Soon, puppy will be trained to make mimosa so I can stay in bed with boyfriend. 
- Don't worry, I already secretly ran 10k. 
- Monday morning meeting has everything catered by high-end catering company, so I can have mini croissants if I want to, but I don't even eat those! The main reason is so I can judge the girls who DO eat the mini croissants. Do I judge the men who eat them? Of course not. That would be absurd.
- There are numerous opportunities for promotion. I can earn promotion by A) Blowing the boss. B) Working my arse off. C). Just by being so charming that everyone loves me and wants me at ALL the important meetings and business trips because I make them laugh AND maybe I can be pretty too? 
- I have the freedom to choose either B), or C). Maybe A) in desperate times!

Sometimes, I wish I knew where this job was.

Other times, I would rather just play and take trips in planes and make flowcharts. 

Here is a flowchart which I made yesterday. It is about hybrid animals. I hope you like it!

(I am still a little shit with computers. It's kind of small.) 

Have a good weekend!

Loveyoubye

xoxo

Liz Tritops

Some Things Happened in Colombia

Hello. 

Look! I'm writing again!

I went to Colombia and I've been really busy so I haven't posted in a good while.
I'm going to be really ambitious and try to post four times this week! That's more than three and less than five, and amounts to a lot of homework for me and hopefully some procrastination for you. 

Here are some things that people said before I went to Colombia:

Them: "Don't get kidnapped!" 
OKAY I WON'T. 

Them: "Watch out for the gorillas!" 
I don't think there are gorillas in Colombia, although I did see some at the zoo. They were locked-in so I didn't really need to worry about them attacking me. 

Stupid people: "Ooohhhhh....that's dangerous! Why would you want to go there?" 
Me: "Have you been to Colombia before?" 
Stupid people: "No."
Me: "What's wrong with Colombia?"
Stupid people: "murphm...hmmm....some guy named paulo escobar something cocaine something guns...i dont no omg gtg lolz."

Now look at me being all alive. 

Here are some things that happened:

• I met a lot of short, friendly people.
• I saw these crabs that have one really big claw to fight for females, and the other claw is really small and they use that one to eat. Way to violate symmetry, you fuckers! These two are having a show-off. I think this is a premise for a great reality show. The contestants have to workout, but only one arm. This arm gets real massive!  Then they leave the other one normal sized. The contestants could fight for a woman (Bachelorette-esk?) using only their massive arm, and then they have to eat with only their other arm. They would (obviously!) all live in a house together. Great idea. I call it 'When People Become Fiddler Crabs: The Fight For Love'. Hell, if they can make shit like The Next Bus, then anything goes.
• I travelled quite a long way to find real ligers because my book told me that I could find them, and even the zoo's website told me so. I was more excited than you can imagine because I doubt that there are many places in the world where you can find ligers. So I show up at the zoo but they don't even have ligers anymore and I aske why not, and the guy said that it was illegal to breed them and they get too sick and die. On the upside, I saw some other animals that I wanted to steal and keep as pets. Like this little guy:

• I saw a child dressed exactly like Woody from Toy Story. I decided that when I have children I might also dress them like characters from excellent movies.
• This is a kid with a bowl cut doing nothing. 

• I don't know why I'm showing you that. 
• Lying in a hammock happened.
• Whilst lying in hammock, I decided I might move to Canada when I'm done with the USA and also I need to do more economics-y things. 
• I saw heaps of new kinds of fruit that I didn't even know existed! Most of them were really tasty, but some were hard to eat. I feel like even if it tastes really good but it makes your fingers too sticky and you get lots of things in your teeth and it takes 27 minutes to eat then maybe it's just not worth it. There was this thing that was orange-shaped and orange-sized that tasted a little like a mango. It was quite hard to eat. If you know how I feel about mango, then you know that mango is my favourite fruit. But even with this mango-like thing, I feel like the payoff wasn't sufficient. 
• Imagine me explaining this concept to a starving child in Somalia. 
• I had heaps of fun. 

I hope you enjoyed reading about my time on holiday.

Have a great day.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

High School Was Okay

Some people really hated high school. I didn't. 

Here's why high school was okay:

• Sometimes I was the captain of sports teams like football and dragon boating and it made me feel good at life and a little important.
• I liked to play sport and I was smaller than I am now! That was great! We got to wear blue uniforms for football which is my favourite color to wear when playing THE BEST SPORT. Our uniforms were silky and big; they kind of looked more like pajamas, but I was okay with that because they were comfy and shiny things go faster.  
• There was a rumour going around that this skanky girl had an STI that made her bleed out her anus. I don't think such an STI exists, but it was fun to pass on the rumour (don't worry, I'm only 2% bitch) and it was also fun to say 'anus'.
• I worked at a supermarket when I was 15 and one of my friends and I used to play a game with the food from the produce section, coz thats how cool we were. When we put something like a banana or an apple or a tomato or any other fruit/vegetable type thang through the checkouts we had to ring-up a number, oldskool style. If you were really good, you knew all the codes (PLUs) and could tell the 9,000 types of pears apart from each other. So at school, whenever me and this girl, let's call her Rosamund (this may or may not have been her name. Hint: It was), saw some food that had a PLU, we would have to shout out this 4-digit code, and whoever got it first, won. 'Won what?', you might ask. Er...nothing. 
• In hindsight, maybe working at a supermarket made me realise that high school was comparitively more fun than repeatedly scanning things for people on checkouts, and that I would never want to be stuck doing that for the rest of my life. Apparently I learned an importland lesson: SUCCESSFUL BITCHEZ FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. 
• I like learning! I remember this one lesson we had in biology where we learned about the different sleep cycles animals have. I liked the crepuscular ones the best because they're different and also I think crabs are kind of neat. Then I became crepuscular for a while. Not because I wanted to be a crab or anything like that; I think I just got really excited that crepuscular things even exist so my body decided to try and make me crepuscular on some kind of sub-conscious level. 

Here are a few reasons I like crabs: 

1. I already told you that they are crepuscular. 
2. Most of them move sideways, but not all of them! 
3. The ones that move sideways don't even walk, they slide. Or something. 
4. Thanks to crabs, we have the word 'crabwise'.
5. They talk to each other by drumming or waving their pincers. Much like Italians, yes?

• Biology was actually great (minus for too many years I had this old and boring teacher with cankles). I found it fun to learn about evolution. Sometimes I would look at people and decide what they looked like the most: Example: Does the kid walking into the art block look more like a neanderthal or a homo habilis? NERDALERT? Maybes. 
• Titrating was fun.
• Camp was fun. 
• Sleeping in calculus was fun. 
• Drama class was glorified playtime. 
• P.E. was ACTUAL playtime. 
• The teacher that lied to me about guerrilla warfare and the potato famine was a disaster but also hilarious. 
• WHO WAS HAVING SEX AND WHO WASN'T? WOW!!!!
• I liked wearing a uniform. It was official, and neat, and you didn't have to worry about what to wear everyday. I especially liked wearing a tie. I wore it everyday, partly for status (only the older kids were allowed), but also because I freaking love ties! They're not just for men or punks or lesbians, people! We also wore kilts. This might sound weird, but it wasn't because I was in CHRISTCHURCH. 
• Then I went to high school in Argentina and it was quite different but also fun. Maybe I will write about that one day. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I took life into my own hands and decided to learn the laundry symbols. This one DOES NOT mean keep your button in a box:

• After learning about the laundry symbols, I made up a game called 'Hieroglyphic or Laundry Symbol'. I draw a thing which is either a laundry symbol or a hieroglyphic on a little piece of paper and I make people guess which thing it is! Great game!
• How the fuck do these dolls exist? Apparently grandmas used to make them. Thanks grandma! Ew. 
• ...and here is a dog stealing a cabbage. WATCH IT!

I think that's all.

Byebye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Have Three Talents And You Do Too!

A friend of mine called Meg taught me that everyone has three talents. I told her she was wrong. She loves it when I get all argue-y.

Then I thought about it.

I am average-to-good at some things. Like economics. And dinosaurs. And lighting fires. And baking. And making charts which not only chart things, but also flow things. I think they call them 'flowcharts'.

I am average-to-bad at some things. Like talking on the phone. And playing Risk. Coz I hate losing, I avoid playing Risk at all costs. It ruins friendships. You make an alliance, and then someone screws you over and attacks Kamchatka and that's a funny word. If winter is approaching, you know not to attack the Ukraine coz shit's too cold. YOUR TANKS WILL FREEZE!!!

I am real shit at other things. Like drawing. I could draw better when I was 4. I also can't put up tents. I also can't walk in heels.

With a little more thought, I realised that there are 3 things that I am ridiculously awesome at:

1. Sleeping on my face.

2. Holding my breath.

3. Cutting my food with fork.

Re: Sleeping on my face

For the last six years, I have been sleeping on my face. People tell me I look like I am dead. I just kind of lie on my tummy with my legs splayed out and my forehead resting under my arm and my face IN my pillow. Why am I alive?

Re: Holding my breath

This could be a direct result of numero uno. I can seriously hold my breath for a fucking long time. Through the Lyttelton Tunnel (1945m). Over the Rakaia Bridge (no idea how long that guy is). This one time, I held my breath under water for 2 minutes and 56 seconds! When I used to be in finance lectures and I was bored as hell I would hold my breath for a minute, then I rest for another, then I hold for another minute...so on and so on...and then class is over, and I may or may not have improved one of my talents!

Re: Cutting my food with fork

I think this stems from a general retardation of myself. I have no fork-mouth co-ordination on my left side. The contents of my fork will fall to my plate or I will stab my cheek. Then it's all over. With the realisation of this, I thought it was time to cut my losses. I ditched the knife, and proceeded to eat one-handed. I can now cut anything with a fork. Seriously. Try me.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? WHY AM I YELLING AT YOU??? Some good has to come out of this. What is the point in having these three amazing talents, just to have them go to waste? The only thing I can come up with is that if the world suddenly ran outa oxygen, and we could only eat with forks, and only sleep on our faces, it would be survival of the fittest and I would WIN. And then I would breed with someone and we would make a Super Race! That is all.

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I would kind of like a koi pond. Not because I really want a koi pond, but more because I want to be able to say I have a koi pond. Say it. 'Koi pond'. It sounds fun. Say it again. I dare you!!! Koi pond! Koi pond! Koi pond! 
• The smell of lavender is just...so....meh? You know? I'm so indifferent. 
• I have this thing where I like to wear my socks. Without shoes. Then I get holes in all my socks. And it doesn't even matter that I'm all good at wearing matchy-matchy socks with fun patterns like stripes and dots on them (the ones with stripes make me go faster!) because they look like shit. Then people tell me I have holes in my socks and they look at me like on a scale of one to orphan I'm, like, an 8. Maybe even an 8.5. NO, I'M NOT AN ORPHAN! MY PARENTS ARE ALIVE BUT I'M TOO OLD FOR THEM TO BUY ME NEW SOCKS EVERY TWO WEEKS! 
• Watch this! It's from 1995!

I like you all.

Liz Tritops

xoxo