Tramping - Because My Parents Said So

Some kids spent their holidays flying to expensive places and buying expensive things. Other kids stayed at home and were boring.

Welcome to Real Chat about my family holidays 

As a child, family holidays usually consisted of days spent in the En-Zed bush living in tents or huts, and carrying ALL the things on our backs. It was fun sometimes, but mostly it was decidedly average. Here are some things about it:

• If you had to walk through a river (99% of the time you did), you knew your socks wouldn't be dry the next day. It feels medium because in the morning you can't have a cry about it, because crying won't make your socks dry, and it will probably piss your parents off. I'll tell you something for free: Wet socks are better than no socks. Also, there were always small bits of gravel and shit permanently lodged into the fibers, so it felt even more awesome when you put them on again.
• You get so dirty and smelly that you don't even feel dirty and smelly anymore. 
• Things were quite pretty. 
• Swing bridges are rad. They swing. They're bridges. I like most bridges. You had to obey the signs that said how many people were allowed on them at a time. If you didn't, you could fully...like...die. 
• Heaps of friendly people go tramping. Also, lost of weirdos go tramping. My friend, whose family also made her go tramping, told me this one story about how an Israeli guy cut a large hole in a mattress to make a poncho. She then used it as anecdotal evidence as to why every single Israeli person is awful. Hard to say who is worse; her, or the Israeli.
• I think tramping really does build character. I used to read Calvin and Hobbes as a child. Calvin's dad always used to ramble about character building. Going tramping would make me feel a little like Calvin, but so much tougher. If he can build character after chilaxing in a tent on a lake for a bit, then I thought 'I'm gonna have so much character after this HELL'. 
• One time my dad woke up in the middle of the night to chase a possum with a stick. Good on him.
• Possum probably would have eaten my face off. Thanks, Steve.
• One time, Steve got us lost and we had to climb up a waterfall then slide down this massive scree slope and I actually thought I might die. I think mum thought we were all going to die, too, but she didn't say that at the time. She was quite angry at Steve, but I think that you can only do silent treatment for so long when you are stuck with your husband and three kinds in the middle of actual nowhere.
• We consumed a lot of SCROGGIN. For Americans, that's trail mix. (I like 'SCROGGIN' a bit better though, because if I call it 'trail mix' I feel like I have to be on a trail to eat it, also I find it too literal. It's kinda like calling jandels 'flip flops'. How rudimentary is that? Naming something after the noise it makes? We may as well start calling 'cows' 'moos' and 'dogs' 'barks'. Rant over.)  If you're a word nerd, you might know that SCROGGIN is an acronym for sultanas, chocolate, raisins, orange peel, glucose, grains, 'imagination', and nuts. What blows my mind now is that Steve had the audacity to put SALTED peanuts in with everything, so it was all just a little salty. That's the dangerous thing about putting 'imagination' into an acronym. You get salted nuts. 
• One time my brother ate too many dried apricots and he got the shits. We all found that humorous. 
• Tramping taught me to be impatient with people who complain when we are going for adventures that some people call 'hikes' and I would call 'walks in the park', then I feel like the hugest dick. I also feel this way about people who can't climb up very small hills. This is because I'm not even good at climbing up hills, so if you're worse than me then you probably have issues. 
• Tramping food tastes better than regular food. Not because it's actually better, but because you're tramping and what else are you even gonna eat? 
• Mum told us that she was giving us stars for walking well. I was imagining a star chart-type thing, because she said it was a star chart-type thing. We would get given different colour stars for being good at tramping i.e. not complaining, walking fast, singing fewer annoying songs maybe, etc. Thing is, I never saw the star chart, nor did I question the lack of tangible rewards. Life. Lesson. Learnt. 
• If your parents didn't make you go tramping, then you missed out, but also, not really. 

Other thoughts from me:

• I still really like that song Irreplaceable by Beyonce. What really gets me about it, though, is that she rhymes 'minute' with 'minute'. 
• I think I have something like 223,000 websites bookmarked. I don't know what to do. I don't feel okay. I don't even know how to categorize them, and I can't simply delete them all. Too much work has gone into wasting time on the internetz to have nothing to show for it. 
• On getting naked in front of animals: It feels so wrong, but is it really wrong? 

Watch this because I said so:

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Top 5 90s Songs That I Didn't Question

Lot's of dumb songs came out of the nineties. MMMBop, Mambo No. 5, that Blue song by Eiffel 65; the list goes on. I feel like these songs were self-aware. They kind of knew they were shit, and even as a little tyke, so did I. 
Then there were some other songs from the 90s. They weren't stupid enough to be funny, and I simply didn't start questioning them until years later. It wasn't like I was missing some sexual innuendo like most eight-year-olds. It was more like these songs would NEVER make any sense even after I had given my first cheeky handjob, read a Cosmo magazine or two, and snuck some vodka into a girly sleepover. 
These songs make me feel kind of duped.

Top 5 90s Songs That I Didn't Question:

Hands - Jewel 

What would you do if someone commented on the magnitude of your hands? 'Coz this is what Jewel would do:

Good chat. 

As Long As You Love Me - The Backstreet Boys

I get that the boys just want to be loved, but they're getting kinda desperate. What bugs me the most is the first line: 

Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine

I'm leavin' my life in your hands

I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND AND I FEEL ANGRY ABOUT IT. 

LMO - Summer Girls

'Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese.'

I like mac 'n cheese as much as the next person, but I don't feel the need to go all tourettes about it. 

'I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike.' 

You can take the bike, but not the honey. Please, god, no. Anything but the honey. 

'Hip hop marmalade, spic and span'.

Like, he's just saying shit. 

Here's hip hop marmalade: 

Sitting Down Here - Lene Marlin

I'm sitting down here but, hey! You can't see me! I wanted this song to be about a rather long game of hide and seek with a large amount of people, but when I looked into it a little more, I think it's probably about a stalker. A stalker that only sits. If she sang 'I'm standing up here but hey, you can't see me' it would make even less sense. 

A couple of lessons from the lyrics of 'Sitting Down Here':

- Want revenge? Sit down here. 

- Do you want to hide but not really? Sit down here. 

Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground 

What I wanna know is how a girl can be like disco super fly, double cherry pie, and like disco lemonade? Sounds like one hell of a party. So much disco going on here. 

They should all invite hip hop marmalade. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I've started using 'lol' again. I don't know why or how this started, but all I know is that I feel like a 16 year-old again. This is madness. 
• Here's a LizTip: When you write a to-do list, use a small piece of paper. That way, you won't make a list as big as Russia and you might actually achieve some of the things on it instead of spending your whole day writing the list. Also, have fucking cup of tea. 
• I want you all to know that I now have a window at work. This is quite nice, because now I don't feel like I'm trapped inside an ex-Soviet prison. 
• There is a Starbucks opening in my city. I feel like a lame as sheep being so excited about something as average. But now I can get a chocofrappafuckahalfmochalattechino with whip if I were that way inclined. I'm not that way inclined, but a pumpkin spice latte wouldn't go a miss. America taught me that seasons have flavours!

Watch this thing I found: 

Liz Tritops

xoxo

LOVEYOUBYE 

I'm Getting Better At Life

Today it's raining and I feel like a bit of sharing. 
I wrote a list of things that I used to do or used to believe. They are kinda stupid. I even tried to make it in chronological order for you guys!

• One of my biggest financial regrets was buying a Furby. You may think this was no biggie, but when you take into account my savings, income, potential earnings, and liquidity, wank wank wank, it's all bad news bears. At the end of the day, I had a toy that I hated and I still had stingy parents. Of corse I vehemently defended my decision to buy the Furby.  
• I believed in bright blue eyeshadow for a while. This was quite bad, but unlike many girls, I realised that you can have too many of those little shitty plastic butterfly clips. 
• So...for far too long I believed in Noah's Ark. I mean it is fun to believe. This guy had ALL the animals; David Attenborough would have creamed himself.
• I used to think that pirate LEGO was the best. 
• I still do!!! 
• When I was 12 I believed in socialism for just a few weeks. That was a strange phase. I think I did it just to piss off Steve. That's my dad. I might write about him one day. 
• I honestly thought that olives shouldn't be eaten. By me. Or anyone else. Because if I can't enjoy it, no one else should. 
• I thought there was no better pet than a cat. There is. It's called a dog. Here's one eating cabbage. 
• 'Food is negative calories when consumed after dark or with alcohol'. Sometimes I still think this. 
• I thought tea was bad just because it wasn't coffee. 
• I believed everything that I read in Dolly magazine. Here are some lessons from this: Lesson 1: All woman are beautiful all of the time. Lesson 2: 'How to look thin for summer and boys' or 'How to slap all this shit on your face so you don't actually look like yourself anymore'. Lesson 3: Interactive activity! This is where you can take a flowchart type thingy to learn what kind  of girl you are. Because why be yourself when you can be a label?                                                                                          All of this may or may not have left me with a confusing sense of self-worth. 
• While in high school I liked to think that I had better taste in music than the masses. I wasn't a musical sheep. Baaa. I did this weird thing though, where I felt that it was necessary to put lyrics from some of my favourite artists all over this one folder that I would carry with me everywhere. I tended to go for the most angst-y lyrics possible. Look at me, world, I have so much angst! And boy did I show them! 
• I had an awful boyfriend when I was 17. There were many terrible things about him, but one thing that was particularly bad was the smell of his pants. It was like that funky smell that you get in your clothes when they don't dry/air-out properly, but they also kinda smelt metallic. I thought this was okay for some reason. 
• I will study harder next term! 
• A few years ago I was all about the hippie pants. I thought they made me look worldly and would make me feel comfortable. Really, they just made me look like a slob. But I was a comfortable slob! 
• I liked t-shirts with 'witty' phrases.
• OMG I loved Ed Hardy. lol jk. 
• I was convinced that organisation was exponentially beneficial. No no no no no. Making lists about making lists and having meetings about having meetings will never produce anything tangible except more lists and empty coffee cups. 
• One day I was in the tropics and I had a terrible time with a banana. Then I didn't eat bananas for a whole year. That was dumb. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• There are parks in this country that have these 'inversion table' things. I often call them 'upside-down-bench-thingies'. I like them heaps. My friend thinks that this means I have autism because I like the vestibular motion. I think that he's smart, but sometimes he's wrong. 
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory has given everyone unrealistic expectations about the tour of any chocolate factory. Anywhere. Forever. 
• Recently I saw a guy vomit on the subway. That was kinda up there. He was hungover/still drunk. It reminded me of the time when I chundered in a gondola for the same reason. I felt like I should have told him about this and then maybe he wouldn't have felt so alone. 

Here's a video which I hand-picked for you:

Okay. That's all.

Cheerio

Liz Tritops

xoxo

LizPoints 2.0

I have had to revise my old points system because I'm so freakin' dynamic and all about adapting.
I used to play a really fun game where if enough of a my pre-determined, unlikely and/or awesome things happened in one day, then I got me some icecream. It was more fun than a pillow fight in a tree hut. This game has become outdated and I need to upgrade to LizPoints 2.0. It really is like a little window would periodically pop-up in my brain. It looked like this:

For ages, I clicked the middle box. Recently I have realised how many potential treats I am missing out on. Here is how LizPoints 2.0 works:

For each of the following, I accrue one point: 

• Arriving at work at exactly half-past. 
• A child that I dislike immensely doesn't come to class. 
• Seeing a Korean with a pet dog that isn't tiny. 
• Finishing a TV series. There is nothing quite like that strange combination of accomplishment and emptiness that comes after a Netflix binge. Why not numb the pain with a point. 
• Eating a mango coconut smoothie with bubble.
• Seeing a Korean with an alternative hairstyle. 
• Getting an exciting thing in the mail. 
• Seeing a couple wearing matching outfits. 

Some things from my old points system are still current. Here they are:

• Seeing an animal which I have never seen before. Let's go to the zoo!
• Waking up just before my alarm goes off. JUST before. 
• Running when it's dark and I not get attacked by clowns, rapists, or drop bears.
• Thinking about someone who I never see and then I see them on the same day!
• Saying hello to a new dog that I haven't said hello to before.
• Seeing someone in a pinstripe suit. 
• Seeing someone smoke a cigar.

NB: You cannot accrue more than one point for any given activity. Example: Seeing two alternative hairstyles in the same day does not win you two points. 

If I earn 10 points in a day, I get a prize. 

The Prize:

Mango coconut smoothie with bubble. You may notice that I get a point when I have one of these anyway. So, if I'm already on nine points for the day, all I need to do is drink one of these guys and then I get another one pronto. Nice tactical move on my part. 

I love mango. I love coconut. I love bubble. I love smoothie. 
And that was my story.

They say with 'bubble' because why add an 's' to pluralise anything? And why not make up words like 'pluralise'?

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Tomorrow I'm going camping. Korean style. This is probably where there is a dairy 10 minutes walk away. 
• I really like the smell of tent. I'm sure some people think it's mildew-y and gross, but hey, these are probably the same kind of people who brush their teeth in the shower. I think tents smell like freedom and spooning.  
• I really hope I wake up and I don't remember which way the tent is facing. I don't get that kind of disorientation everyday. Like if I went outside everyday and forgot which way my apartment had been facing. That would be messed up. 
• I need more brunch dates in my life. NEVER. STOP. BRUNCHING. 

Hey guys. If you want to waste your time on something, then pick this:

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Why Is This So Hard?!

I haven't been able to blog recently. I tried, but nothing happened. When I was at uni, I would get bored of learning about supply and demand so I would write. When I was in Portland I was surrounded by strange people and it made me want to write about them and myself, and the things that they made me think about. Portland is so weird. A lot of the people there try so hard for the city to not be middle America. Let's love 'soccer' and be overly-outspoken Atheists!  Then you would see someone ride past naked on a bike and nek minnit, you're drowning in Kale chips, feeling all inspired and shit. 
I came to a country where there's not much conforming to anti-conformity. I stopped feeling creative and I think I even got a little bit boring. Everything stopped.

Here's what I've done instead of writing:

- Become better at napping.
- Eat even less things that come from animals.
- Develop some new insecurities. Thanks, Korea.
- Try not to give a fuck.
- Hate Seoul a few times and then start to like it. Somewhat.
- Learn that white rice works okay for Koreans but not for me. 
- Experience 'pedestrian rage' like never before.

Recently I started making lists again and I even made a flowchart, too! 

Here is my list of things that are really quite hard for me when they probably shouldn't be. I hope they are also hard for you or otherwise I am actually special.

• Spelling 'd-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y'. This website might help. Or it might not. 
• Taking clothing off in the car. 
• Resisting reading the comments on a YouTube video. I fail, and subsequently lose any faith in humanity again.
• Habitually disposing of empty gum wrappers. Yeah so right now I probably have a collection of 22 and a half in my handbag. Shit is WILD in thurr. 
• Remembering where the deodorant is when away on holiday. 
• Recounting a dream and making it sound interesting. Most likely, nobody cares. 
• Finding a can-opener that does what it is supposed to. They are supposed to open cans. Often, they don't. 
• Finding a manly man who tweets. Just because. 
• Listening to just one power ballad.
• Flossing daily.
• Not eating ALL the peanut butter when there is nobody around to judge. 
• Having less than 4 tabs open at any given time. I like to think I can achieve all the things, all the time.  Right now, this is what I'm working with. 

• But really...are eskimos flammable?  
• Washing my stuffed animal more than once every three years. 

Other Thoughts From Me:

• Sometimes I like things that are coloured like animals. Example: Black and yellow socks. Then I can feel a little bit like a bee. This may or may not help me in life. 
• I want to say things like "Do you all have a copy of the agenda?" and "Let's set up some parameters." but I don't even want a job like that. 
• Where are the tree huts in my life. 

This is quite cute. WATCH IT! 

Mischief managed, guys

Thanks for reading. I will post more often now coz I feel like it again. Really.

Liz Triceratops

xoxo 

Leaving America: Part 2

Between leaving Portland and arriving in Korea, I embarked on a roadtrip with my flatmate down through California.

Here are some badly-ordered thoughts and happenings: 

• We spent most of the road trip being quite healthy. We ran and I even tried climbing things. Problems happen when you see a candy store. Like, a store, that only has lollies. And lots of them. Also, what do you even do when you drive past the Jelly Belly factory‽
• LA was weird for me, but I had fun.
• The main purpose of LA was so I could get my visa. I spent the week in a haze of unavoidable stress, because embassies/airports/immigration stress me out a little. I am always concerned that something will go wrong, even if I do everything right.
• So much driving had to happen. Now, I do like driving, but I think cities should be made for people and not cars, and gosh, if you live and work in LA, you probably spend 2hrs in the car per day. Fuck that. I gotta do more important things, like watch Hoarders and write worthless lists.
• I was really confused about the climate. Call me stupid, but I always thought LA was subtropical because of all the palm trees. Then I was informed that I was in the desert. Back the truck up. How can this be? We are next to the ocean‽ Basically, when it comes to things that aren't familiar to me, I struggle to accept them. Example: Being from an island country, the idea that you can drive to another country still weirds me out.
• Does everyone from LA hate their parents? Signs point to yes. 
• Fill ALL the space with noise. 
• I ran into a friend randomly in LA. He doesn't live there. Neither do I. Words cannot express how much I love it when you see someone you know in a big city where neither of you live. It's the best.
• We drove to Compton and drank a forty in a parking lot.  
• Kidding. We just drove to Compton to get Taco Bell (nice drive, I guess) and how am I supposed to know that Nacho Cheese Doritos tacos ALWAYS have meat in them? GOSH. I call secret meat. #healthyroadtrip #goodvegetarian
• Ferris Wheels are actually on my top 100 list. There was a ferris wheel on Venice Beach, and it looked so close to us. It wasn't. Beaches can be so deceptive with distances. You think it's 300m away but it's really 3k away. Distance WTF. The ferris wheel was the shittiest one I've ever been on. I would love to see what Venice Beach looked like on a sunny Saturday in the 1960s. No further comments. 
• One more comment. You would have to pay me to buy something from them the shops there. And then I would probably gift it to you. So really, you would just be buying something shitty for yourself. I win. 
• My last night in LA was spent in the gay district watching male dancers. Drinks were four times the price as they would have been in Portland. Did I really want to pay $16 for a Quick Fuck? Hellsno. But you don't even have to drink as much because everyone is already more attractive (in a 'you have nice features, a tan, and you spend $500 on your hair' kind of way).  
• Then I got a toothache.
• Don't tell anyone, but I haven't been to the dentist since Year 13. 2006! I AM THE WORST! My wisdom teeth are coming through. Sometimes this means that I just want a chew toy. I feel like there had been no dental emergency here because I think it's pretty normal to want a chew toy, right? So far, no big problems; my bonus teeth have been okay, so I'm thinking, let 'em do their thing! I sooo have space in my mouth. The more the merrier, right? (I like to call 'em 'bonus teeth'. I can call them 'wisdom teeth' after having at least two children, once I have read The Art of War, and after having established consistent sleeping patterns (I don't know how this will make me wise, but I feel like knowing how to sleep is a prerequisite for being wise.) Note: After getting dementia and catching racism, they will, subsequently, become 'bonus teeth' again. 
• I didn't just want a chew toy. I wanted to kill something. If you've ever had a bad toothache, you know how cranky you can become. PMS times three, I reckon.  Painkillers sometimes don't work because something about the nerve being right there or something or other. Liz Scientist Roberts. 
• I could not fit everything into suitcase. Not even close. While I suck at packing, I usually enjoy it. Not this time. I was as organised as the Egyptian Bread Riots. 
• Nek minnit, I'm in Korea. 
• The End. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I really want 'them' to invent an App called 'Words with Enemies'. Raise the stakes. 
• One of my children didn't know the word for 'snot' so she said 'nose pee' instead. I thought it was kinda adorbs. Doing the best with what you've got. 

Watch it. Puppy can't get up. 

Thanks for reading

Goodbye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Leaving America: Part I

My last stint in Portland was filled with trying to fit in all the things on my Portland to-do list. I didn't get all of them done, and I also found that with every one thing I crossed off the list, I added two more. You have to look at it on the bright side - these things give me even more reason to come back and visit. 
Some of the things on my Portland list might seem ridicuolous to Americans, but to me they were quite fun. I was lucky to have an American who thought they were fun, too. These things included going to Costco and IKEA just because I had never been before. Being from a small island country, things on a big scale just generally overwhelm me and make me feel funny. Mostly, it's the good kind of funny.

IKEA

People had told me that the food at IKEA is amaaaaaazing. I should have known better, because when Americans say things are 'amazing' or 'awesome', you gotta take it with a handfull of salt. The food there was decidely average, but cheap as chips. That's why people think it's so good. When you can get meat balls AND fro-yo AND cinnamon buns for $5 and some change, then how can it be bad? Guys, it can be. Bad food is bad food, regardless of what you pay for it. I had the fro-yo, which was average to bad, and half a cinnamon bun, which was average, and some of those Sweedish meatballs which everyone RAVES about. I think if you add a nationality so a food (e.g. 'Spanish Moroccan Fish') people will automatically believe it tastes better because it sounds exotic. OMG IT'S SPANISH AND MOROCCAN AND IT'S FISH!  Same rule applies with adding 'Mum's' or 'Grandma's' to recipes. Would you trust a recipe for 'Older Brother's Minstrone Soup'? Probably not. Well, not in ma fam, anyway. Sorry Michael and Ben.
Back to the SWEDISH meatballs. 
So I stole one from my flatmate. I am a vegetarian, but sometimes I'm not very good at it. I like to try new things, and I like meat, so I find myself in sticky situations. I had a meatball. It was okay.
IKEA was actually quite weird. I got a weird feeling in there, I hadn't really processed it until now. Probably because I'm not very intouch with my feelings. I reckon so I have a 3 month feeling delay. It's a thing. I wonder if psychologists have coined it yet. 
Let's talk about feeelings now. 
I don't think I've ever felt so empty in a furniture store. I think it was the size, the colours, and all the fake rooms that they have set up. It's like you're in a living room or a bedroom, so you should feel homely and warm, but you're in the middle of a massive store. The shop attendants seemed soulless, and there were heaps of generic shoppers who were overweight and pissed off because they had to spend money. They probably weren't there by choice. I forget this is a thing, because I try to make most activities in life either fun, or into some kind of adventure. Most people don't do this. We were there for fun AND adventure! When I proudly announced this to a staff member (middle-aged woman; she seemed boring), she looked at me like I was insane. 
I thoroughly enjoy jumping on all the beds at furniture shops, so this had to happen. I found the most comfortable one and lied on it for ages and contemplated what it would be like to be a real person.
Sometimes I would go into one of the fake rooms and pick up a book. I just wanted to go through the book shelves and close the door and be alone or in at a friend's house. It's a very confusing place for me. I had fun though. Some of my matezzz and I decided it would be a great place to play hide-and-seek in, and we really wanted to organise an play day so this could happen.
Something to go back for. 
Maybe, when we finished hide-and-seek, we can build a fort in one of the rooms. 

Costco

Costco also happened. I recruited more people this time! For me, everything was just really big and cheap. I ended up buying four GIANT grapefruit. The sample tables are pretty gross. Don't get me wrong, I'll eat free samples with the best of 'em, but I hate the way that people crowd around and look angry as they wait and don't even make conversation with the sample ladies/men, who in my experience, were all lovely. Sometimes I'm not a big fan of small talk, but there's a think called courtesy, yes? Yah know? Like saying 'hello'?Apparently the food at Costo (the fast food stuff) is actaully yummers, in a way that the food at IKEA isn't. But I don't know because I didn't try any. Spent a good amount of time there and I was constantly talking about how big everything was. Maybe even to the point of it being annoying. There was some people watching involved. It was a Saturday. There were a lot of families with children and pickup trucks. I was tempted to buy bulk amounts of string cheese and some Fun Cereal for Fun Cereal Friday, but I didn't let myself because I knew I wouldn't have the time to eat it all.
There's Costco in Korea, too. I might just have to go on a field trip there some day.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I miss Portland quite a bit. It's definitely my favourite city that I've lived in and it's filled with great people. 
• I was wanting to try all the new foods again, so I brought this thing called acorn jelly from the supermarket here in Korea. It sounds like it was gross, and guess what‽ It WAS gross!
• For the first time in my life I am working Monday to Friday. It's weird. The weeks go fast and the weekends even faster. I have learnt that Tuesdays are way worse than Mondays. Think about it.  NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS TO ANYONE EVER. ANYWHERE. 
• Today I had an argument with a child about wether iguanas have two legs or four legs. Naturally, I was right. The only thing that's worse than being wrong is being right but not really being allowed to brag about it.

This guy. Still love him.

BRB GTG

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Bingo Is Ma Fave

On one of my last nights in Portland, my flatmate and I did something that we had been wanting to do for quite some time. Guess what it was? Bingo! There is this place just down the road from our old apartment which would have Bingo two or three times a week, but we had been so busy and important that we hadn't managed to make it.
On our last Tuesday in town, we dragged two other comrades along with us to try and compete with the best. It was actually too much fun.

Here are some things about Bingo:

• We only got there just in time so everyone was already there with their Bingo cards. I'm in a new environment AND I'm late. Fucking great. We had no idea how the procedures worked. Most of the old ladies looked very serious, and they were. They were also trying to be kind and help, but they rushed through the instructions like they were a piece of cake. Really, for us newbies, it wasn't so self-explanatory. There were 10 games, and they all had different shapes you needed to get to call BINGO and different things cost different amounts of money, and on the info sheet we were given, the instructions were like this: 'Straight Line Bingo (side pot) continuing to Pattern Game for prize (50 cents). Continues to First Blackout (quarters collected) and Second Blackout (free drink ticket).' Huh?
• The instruction sheet also said 'Tuesday Night East Portland #3256 Auxiliary Bingo' at the top. What the heck is 'Auxiliary Bingo'?
• Some people had five or six cards. Honestly, that's tricky. 
• Five or six cards is even more tricky if you play like I did during the first round. When they called things like 'I 19' I didn't realise that this meant '19' must be in the 'I' column. I was frantically looking over my three sheets in all the columns for the numbers. How was this so hard for me‽
• This left me thinking that I'm really not smart at Bingo.
• But then I thought, 'HEY! There are still nine more games! And I'm not NOT smart, yaknow?'
• We were given bread but it was really crusty, so we got crumbs all over the table. Good for us, bad for them. 
• 'Auxiliary Bingo' took place at an 'American Eagles' room or something. I think it's basically a club room for old people. It smelt slightly of racism, misunderstanding vegetarians, and prunes. There was weird eagle stuff everywhere. Like a creepy picture of an eagle head. And an eagle on the ceiling. And some more  eagle stuff. Then I saw a painting of a smiling bunny carrying balloons. Playing 'find the odd one out' had never been easier. This place was weird. 
• I know it was cold outside, but the announcer lady (let's just call her Ethel, okay?) was wearing a Christmas sweater in March. 
• She was nice, though, and it was a great sweater. She also knew how to entice the crowd with her prizes which she got from the supermarket. This is Ethel announcing one of prize sets: "Whoever wins this 'five around the corner' can have some shrimp and a salad, or this little barbie doll that I got on sale at Fred Meyer." Choice. There was loud clapping.
• Everyone loves to clap at Bingo. 
• Ethel would often say things like "It's a hot bed!" or "It's heating up in here!" 
• Someone won fish and chips, and it seemed to be the most coveted prize. An old man pointed and yelled "SHE GOT THE FISH AND CHIPS!!" at the lady that won. I think he was actually slightly angry about it. So that was great. 
• There was in obese lady named Tracy in an electric scooter. She won a cake, but then Ethel asked her if she would rather have diet candy instead. I don't know if this is sweet or embarrassing. 
• Bingo must be great for old people, because you don't need to remember anything. In fact, it's probably great if you DO forget things, because then you can just focus on the cards and not worry about what your grandchildren are called.  
• My lawyer friend won $38 and screamed 'Yay! Bus money! I'm so broke, this is awesome!', so go America for being out of the recession. AND Paige won a fluffy blanket (probably also brought from Fred Meyer on sale). 
• When we left, an old lady said to us "Nice to see you girls, even if you did win all our cotton-picking money!"  
• I didn't win anything. Some people might say Bingo is gambling so therefore it is bad. Maybe. Maybe not. I think I spent, like, $5. And did I get $5 worth of fun out of it? Heck yes I did.
• You should all find where the old people in your hood hang, or just gatecrash a retirement home. Bingo is exciting, and surprisingly nerve-racking. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I need to find out what old people do for fun in Korea. Maybe it's as fun as Bingo.
• I've flossed my teeth everyday for a month. I just want you to know that. 
• There's a breed of dog called the 'Karelian Bear Dog'. It doesn't look like a bear AND a dog. It just looks like a dog. It can be used to hunt bears, so that's a bit confusing. 

Here's a video because it's Monday:

(Well, not just 'coz it's Monday. I do this every time.

Gosh. I wish I could get this excited about things. Like Mondays.) 

Have a great week. 

Loveyoubye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

This Has No Theme

So I moved to Korea. I'm in a small-ish city (by Korean standards I'm in the 'countryside'). It's around 90 minutes away from Seoul. I'm teaching English here. 
I hope that this has never been a wanky travel blog and that it never will be. 

With that being said, I will share a few little things from my new life here:

• The list of ways I feel like a pirate is definitely adding up 1.) I can't speak good. 2.) The fruit and vege situation here points to me getting scurvy.
• No one runs outside here. People stare at me because I am white, and because I am running. 
• Portland was like a facial hair oasis. I may not have appreciated this enough. First Korean man I see with some nice beard/moustache/maybe-just-a-bit-of-stubble won't know what hit him.  

Here's a list things that I made. I don't think they are related. Let's not even look for a theme, okay? 

• Recently I went without caffeine for about a week. I learnt something new about myself: Me without caffeine is horrific. My whole body hurts, especially my head. Even if I actually like you, I don't like you. I will stare at you and say 'I'm grumpy', while squinting my eyes and expecting you to do something about it. 
• Bananas are actually berries.
• At my old job, I was trying to sell 'water resistant' things to people by saying they're 'kind of waterproof'. I did this for a LONG time. This doesn't even make sense! 
• Elephants can stop a rolling apple without bruising it 'coz they have mad foot skillz. 
• Carpe diem.
• So there's this thing called breakfast pizza. Maybe you should make it. 
• Fuck this suggestion:

 

• Ben and Jerry's can disappoint. A few weeks ago before I left the USA I brought a pint of the Cheesecake Brownie flavour, and I'm thinking 'Well isn't this just going to be yummy! I like cheesecake and brownies!' Then I eat some and the icecream doesn't even taste like cheesecake and there are hardly any of the little brownie chunks. Lesson: If you want cheesecake and brownies, just eat cheesecake and brownies. 
• Thanks to 'Murica (esp. Portland), I am now quite fond of bridges. Like, bridges are actually really great. 
• If I ever own a boat, it WILL look like a pirate ship. 
• Here's a quote from my good friend Paige, and a great philosophy: "I like calluses. If your skin's too soft, you're not doing life right." 
• Moving and not wasting anything in my kitchen cupboards is a talent that I have yet to master. 

Thoughts from me THIS week:

• Let's share feelings on brushing your teeth in the shower. Do you do it? Have you tried it? I've tried it, and I think it's warm and weird, and I don't like the toothpaste swimming around my feet for some reason. 
• Something in life that I dislike is that feeling right before you go to bed where you don't know if you need to pee or not. 
• I suppose I should try and make you watch some kind of video now. I do that. This is my friend Eli. He does comedy and he's great. 

Thanks for reading! 

I like you all.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

My Relationship Between Stress and Ice Cream

I haven't written in ages. I've been super busy running around and doing activities. I started reading about Harry Potter again, because I still don't know who dies and who lives. I've also been trying to figure out what to do with my life because America is about to kick me out.
Sometimes I'm not too stressed about leaving very soon. I still don't know what I'm doing or where I am going. Other times, reality hits and I have an internal freakout. What happens when I tell people that I'm leaving is that they ask me what I'm doing next. Then when I think about it, that's when I have another mental panic. 

I have stress symptoms. Here are some things that happen. 

• I don't talk, or,
• I talk too much about everything which is mundane to most people but exciting to me, and generally has no relevance to life. Cue dinos, animals, and 'would you rather' questions.
• Watch TV to take my mind off all the things I should be doing. End up having more things to do because I have been watching TV. 
• Decide I have no time to run. I actually do have time to run, because I have somehow been making time for TV. Get more stressed because I'm not running. 
• Stop being hungry, but
• I eating all the things because it makes me feel like I am being productive. People need to eat, right? 

This is a story about icecream.*

Usually I have icecream in the house because of Icecream Sunday. Icecream Sunday is the day where I am allowed to eat icecream. (I have days designated to exciting things in my life. Click here for more!) I have some 'Everything but the...' in the freezer. I'm telling you, this flavour is like a quarter of an orgasm, for reals. It has vanilla and chocolate icecream with white chocolate chunks, peanut butter cups, Heath bar chunks, and chocolate covered almonds. 
Stressed Liz needs an activity = worst icecream eating method ever. 
The problem with icecream that has so many yummy chunks is that I only want to eat the chunks. This turns into a game. I find a peanut butter cup, eat it, then I find some white chocolate, so I eat that, then oh my freaking gosh there's some Heath bar! A tiny piece of another peanut butter cup is exposed I have to fucking dig the shit out of the icecream. All the chunks must be mined!!!! FIND ALL THE WHITE CHOCOLATE! EAT ALL THE PIECES OF EVERYTHING!
What am I left with? A small amount of semi-melted and churned up icecream with no more chunks of fun :( 
I proceed to put on some fat pants (should have done this before icecream eating, duh Liz) and crawl into fetal position. Exact positioning must be strategic, to ensure maximum comfort and also so that I can see what's going on on episode of Hoarders. Hint: Weird people are hoarding things.
Eyes close.
Time elapses. 
Wake up some time later. What year is it? Who knows. Did I wake up from the best party in the world? Answer = no.
Squirrels have invaded apartment.
Flatmate is on other couch, also looking deranged.
Room is full of Ben and Jerry's containers. Most are empty, some have melted icecream, but don't even think that you could find remaining peanut butter cup hunks. Na-ah, gurlfriend. 
No, we don't have great hair. 
Apartment smells like failure, and possibly dead cats. 

THE END

*May or may not be based on a true story. 

Because of occurrences like this, I have been avoiding telling people that I WILL BE LEAVING PORTLAND IN LYK OMG 7 DAYS.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• There are some things that I know I don't know. a) Do friendly goats exist? b) What Blu-ray is. I care enough to be aware that I don't know what it is, but I don't care enough to Google it to find out. I don't have time for that shiz. Usually I just imagine a bright blue stingray being all like 'hey guys! I'm blue!
• I will refuse to drink peppermint and chamomile tea on a regular basis. Not only do they taste like  I'm eating flowers, but I fear that I will turn into an aggressively calm person. 
• Watch this!

The End

Love you all

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Self-help Isn't My Thang

Right now I'm reading a self-help book, and I'm all like, 'shit son. Why am I reading this?

This is my first experience with self-help, and I guess I thought it would be interesting for myself. I don't think that I need a lot of self-help, but maybe sometimes we all do? Just a little bit? I think it's kinda funny that it's called 'self-help', because you're not really helping yourself, are you? If you need to read a damn book, then it's not all you. The one I'm currently reading is by a fella named Stephen so maybe it should be 'Steve-help'.

Here's what I like about it:

• The use of the words 'synergy' and 'paradigm' are off the fucking charts. I think business buzzwords are just the greatest thing. 
• 'Measure twice, cut once.' I guess we can thank the builders of the world for that one. 

Those are the only things Steve could help me with. 

Here's what I don't like about it:

• I don't like the diagrams  I thought more flowcharts and Gantt charts should have been utilised. I like charts, and those are my favourite kinds!
• I'm not very good at saying 'no' to people and also I have the (probably quite common but under-diagnosed) problem of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). This book isn't helping me. 
• This book is trying to teach me that to be a good listener, you just need to repeat whatever the person is saying back to them, either as a statement or a question. But I love talking about ME. 
• Steve talks a lot about a 'circle of influence'. All I can think about when I'm reading this part is when I was ten and my teacher made us all draw a diagram called our Circle of Experience. Inside it we had to put all the things we have tried before and then outside we would write down what we didn't try. The lesson was...actually...I don't remember. Maybe try things? I like trying new things anyway so I don't think I need help with this. I don't think it was a very good lesson. The only thing I could think to put outside the circle was potatoes. While I had tried potatoes before, I didn't like them too much so I would stop trying them. Now I love potatoes. And that was a cool story.
• There is this diagram of a spiral which apparently is called THE UPWARD SPIRAL. So they describe this diagram in words (they don't really explain it, but they just describe what it looks like. Which we can see anyway. Fucking duh.) I was supposed to get something out of it. 

This is what I got out of it: 

Commit. Learn. Do

To be fair, I think that all I need in my life to help make me be more effective is for someone to make me Gantt charts for all the days of my life. Maybe I can also adapt to the Uberman sleep schedule, which is where you sleep for 20 minutes every four hours and this adds up to only three hours day, but you're not even tired because you're awesome and you have an extra five hours to do all the things! 

Here's a pie chart, bitchez:

One time I tried this funny little sleep schedule and I turned into monster! Then I didn't wake up after a nap one time (after nearly three days) and the whole thing was wasted. So I went back to being a normal person. 

Here's me when I tried out polyphasic sleep:

I was crazy!

With my life right now, in an attempt to harness productivity, I just spent forever trying to make a Gantt chart. I'm actually slightly embarrassed about how long I spent trying to figure it out, and I realised that I could have probably done EVERYTHING that was supposed to be in the Gantt chart in the time that it took me to try and make it.  
There will always be lists.  

This was what my Gantt chart was going to contain:

- Wake up. If there's one thing I have learnt over my 23 years is that this is the key to accomplishing anything.
- Run. Through the trees. Maybe faster than before.
- Make bed. Bitchez need a made bed to feel accomplished. 
- Shower time is my favourite time of day. 
- Breakfast. Always eat breakfast! Today it will be porridge.
- Read. More Steve-help. Fucking change my life, Steve. I dare you.
- Make cupcakes. I brought all the ingredients yesterday and they are gonna be yumtastic. Hold me back from eating them all.
- Clean up mess. I will use twice as many dishes as are necessary and I will invariably throw some flour on the flow. 
- Get ready for work. 
- Be at work. Maybe do work. 
- Come home from work and cry.
- Shower time. Because it's my favourite time of day, I often do it twice. 
- Food? Maybe eggies. 
- Watch nature documentaries with ma mates. 
- Time for bed. 

I don't want Steve-help. I just want someone to make me a Gantt chart all the time!

Other thoughts from me this week:

• The snow monkeys that live in Japan are smart enough to season their food. I think that's pretty freaking cool. 
• I gather that I talk about animals ALOT. See, the thing is, with giraffes, how come there isn't anything else like them? With that long neck and everything?
• Do you remember learning about that guy Lamarck in biology? He thought that animals changed because they wanted to. So a giraffe wants a long neck so he can reach the tree leaves, so poof! He gets a longer neck! Then his children also get longer necks. And this is how evolution goes. I know not many people knew much of science those days, but isn't that kind of stupid? And the guy is still a little famous. Geez. 
• Here. Watch this!

Hey guys. Stay cool.

Lots of love

Liz Tritops

xoxo