I Went Home Yay!

Hey guys. 
Long time no chat. 

The last few months has been odd for me. I was home for the whole month of December! It was nice to see my people again but I was also hiding under an awkward stress cloud. I struggle to embrace the concept of being funemployed. 
Then BAM! I found one a job. It was in Seoul. I now live in Seoul. 
I live in a place called Gangnam. My building has two or three plastic surgery clinics in it. Yesterday, I thought about going outside to buy soy milk, but then I saw what kind of pants I was wearing. Had I been anywhere else in the world, I may have gone in track-pants. Hell, I may have even gone in NO pants. (Assuming pants-off Friday.) But when in Gangnam...
The last few months has led me to reevaluate my life a little bit, because I have been rather poor. 
From now on I will lead a more stingy life and regularly look at pie graphs. I hope I am still a fun person.  
I've taken to working on many side-projects. The thing is, I have so many side-projects but so little time, and I am real excited about all of them all that I feel a little spastic. I'm almost thinking about trying a weird sleep cycle again. I wrote a little about this here. PLAY LIFE, guys. Do science with yourself. I dare you. 

Here are some things that happened at home: 

• I went to the supermarket that I used to work at in hope that I would see a few people who used to work there 9 years ago. I do this so I can see that I have progressed more than them. Two of them were still there.
• When I remind myself that I'm unemployed, I remember that I'm a judgmental, jobless bitch. 
• But I did need to go to the supermarket. 
• Every time I see my parents I swear that they know how to use the internetz even less than they did the time before. 
• My mother has awful calendars in at least three rooms of the house. They all have terrible pictures. Example: Cats looking curiously at Christmas trees. Another example: Poor people in India. 
• What I don't get is that my mother isn't even THAT old. Don't have you have to be over 60 to put a calendar on the toilet door? 
• I saw some people I like. One of my friends made me walk too much (I hate walking. It's so unproductive. It's neither good exercise, nor a speedy way to get places), but I still like her so I guess that means a lot.
• I made chocolate mousse from smooshed avocados and tofu. Father ate it and said it tasted good. Then BAM! I told him what it was made out of. Boy, did I show him! If there's one thing I enjoy in life, it's surprising people with nutrients. 
• For the first time, I came home to no animals. I didn't like that. I like all the animals, ever. Except some cats are shit, and birds and horses are a bit scary too.  
• Nek minnit, Dad gets a cat. It's scared AND friendly.
• Nothing so interesting happened at home. 

Other thoughts from me this week recently: 

• One of my friends was quite late this one time. She blamed it on Tater Tots. They were cooking. She wanted to eat them. Now, I hate tardiness. I looothe it. But then I thought, if there is a valid excuse for being late, Tater Tots is it. Then, you can call them Later Tots. 
• I have this thing that I really wanna do. Basically, I wanna know would feel like to be a dinosaur or reptile and be born. So I want someone to make an egg for me and have it be the same relative strength where it is just as tough for me to break out of as it is for a new-born reptile. I guess it can be sticky and gross if you want...I just wanna see what it's like. If anyone knows anyone who can make this happen...
• Would you rather be a Planeteer with an actual power, or be Ma-Ti because he has a spider monkey? 

Watch this video I chose for you:

Thanks for reading about me

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I'm a Smart Girl, but I'm not Always Right

Sometimes I am wrong. I made a list of things I thought I knew. This was way back when Pluto was still a planet and everyone agreed that the Triceratops was a proper dinosaur. 

• I thought I was invincible at Cluedo. One day, I lost, and I haven't played since. This is not just because it's not everyday that you get offered the chance to participate in the second best board game, but also I'm scared because I don't know exactly who I am anymore. I thought I could figure out all the clues, dammit. Half the time, it's that bitch Mrs. White. 
• A flying fox is not just a freaking awesome piece of playground, but also an animal. You can even call them megabats if you want. Isn't that great? LOOK AT THE PICTURE!
• I have this theory about fruit that I may have told you before. If the effort involved in  eating a particular piece of fruit outweighs the deliciousness of eating it, then it's a no-go. Think sticky hands. Think juice going everywhere. Think rind under fingernails. Think seeds and pips in teeth. Think where the blimin' heck do I put the skin? I've seen enough Vaudville to both appreciate the potential slapstick value in the banana skin but also realise the danger. As an economics student who loves cost and benefit and all those nerdy things, I contemplated my theory for quite some time. Many graphs and equations were made. Well, not really. That being said, I honestly thought that the humble grapefruit was dead to me. Then, I discovered the GRAPEFRUIT SPOON! Great invention, guys. It's like the superhero of the utensil world. Hell, why can't these spoons be wearing capes?  
• I thought those Glacé cherries were made out of some kind of edible plastic. I now know they're REAL cherries. (I guess‽) 
• I was wrong about going to step class. For me, this is never a good idea.  Today, I accidentally kicked a girl in the head. 
• After listening to Mumford and Sons repeatedly on the way to and from Canada, I realised that the song 'Lion Man' could actually be about a lion-man hybrid. Most of the lyrics point to yes. 
• Duct tape is not called 'duck tape'. However, there is a brand of duct tape called 'Duck tape'. Well played.   
• I just want Alicia Keys (and Jay-Z, for that matter) to tell me what a wet dream tomato is. 
• The Who was not wondering what it was like to be Batman behind blue eyes. 
• I always thought mayonnaise was yucky.
• Wait. I got that right. Mayonnaise IS yucky.
• Since playing The Oregon Trail, I thought certain diseases sounded trivial. A typical conversation in the wagon would go like this: "Ma, I can't eat this stewed rabbit just this minute. Don't worry, I'll be done with my cholera soon." Cholera is actually quite bad.
• You are allowed to return the baby birds to the nests if you see them stranded. Don't worry, their mums will still like them. I've never seen a baby bird stranded though. Where are they at? 
• I have been looking for a substitute for Griffin's Gingernuts dunked in a milky cup of tea. I'm starting to worry that no substitute exists. 
• Getting drunk WILL give me a notorious hangover and I will be shit at work the next day or I just won't even be able to move for 12 hours. Life is NOT like it used to be when I was 16 and a milkshake and a slice of pizza would make me feel 110% again so I could continue being passive-aggressive with my parents and GO.  
• Sex in a Subaru doesn't count.
• Is it three or four musketeers? Did they even have muskets? To me it just sounds like they should be little mice. Who are armed. With muskets. Did they already make a sequel to Stewart Little? 
• Being in a plane adds at least one star to crappy movies, and it adds all five stars to RuPaul's Drag Race and Extreme Couponing. 
• Lending books is never just lending them. Imagine you are giving away free gifts, therefore you must realise that you will never see them again. 

Other things from me this week:

• It's time to start baking again. This week I will attempt a pumpkin pie because of this 'America' thing that I am doing right now. Maybe I'll do it with real pumpkin instead of the instant pumpkin that 'they' use. Do you know why? I'm not a cheater, that's why. (I hope you're not allergic to my pretentiousness. To be fair, I think I'm only 2% pretentious.) Also, next time you see me I will be the size of a house, because if you make the pie, you gotta eat the pie. 
• I learned about a new dinosaur. It's in my top five. 
• Playing Bingo with old people will also happen soon and I will most likely write a report on it. Old people are actually great. 
• We have Christmas lights up. It's not Christmas time yet but a) Bitchez need to see the things in their lounge, and b) Christmas lights are fun, as is Christmas. Speaking of which, I need to find a dashing Christmas jumper for the harsh Oregon winter. Ha. 
• You should probably watch this. Consider it your homework. 

Bye guys and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Liz Tritops

Halloween 101

Hi Halloween

You're mostly new to me because:

1) I'm from a small and isolated island which struggles to celebrate things with gusto. Sometimes we try to copy American traditions because we see them on the telly and we think they might be fun, but we kinda suck at it. 
2) One of the main halloween activities, Trick-or-treating, was never allowed by Mother. This is because she is 55% CrazyChristian. Don't worry though, she's also a nice lady. Some other parents just thought it was rude to bang on peoples' doors asking for lollies. Fairplay. 

I think I really like Halloween, I just need to find out for sure. Is 23 too old to start Trick-or-treating? Here's my take on it: In Halloween years, I'm an infant. So if anything, I'm too young to be Trick-or-treating. I will go with my friend who is sufficiently small that she can look like a child if she tries hard enough. Pigtails? Scrunchies? Child-like voice? Over-excitement about candy? Tonight, we ARE young! 
Mean Girls taught me to dress like a slut for Halloween. Am I going to? No. I think I will be Mario. I look good with a moustache. I would wear one everyday if society would allow it. 

Here are some things that have confused me about Halloween thus far:
- I had no idea that there were special pumpkins for carving and people grew them in patches. I don't know how to carve pumpkins but I'm excited! My friend and I went to a pumpkin patch on this island close to Portland. A highlight was seeing cute Asians taking cute photos of a cute puppy in amongst many tiny pumpkins. It was like Where's Wally? but instead it was 'Where's Puppy?'. Except that it wasn't as difficult as Where's Wally? because puppy looked nothing like pumpkins, and puppy wouldn't stay still.  (So really it wasn't like Where's Wally? at all. Bah. I guess I just wanted it to be.) I was classy and took a photo of Asians taking photos. METAMETA. Another highlight was seeing more than five white trash people. I enjoy this because it makes me feel good about myself. 
- How can something that looks and feels like plastic taste so good? Yeah, candy corn. I'm talking about you! 
- So many things to buy! Look at these 'humorous' pet costumes. I haven't tried much of all the Halloween-specific candy, and, to be honest, right now I'm scared that there is too much candy and not enough time. This is where I become desperate and start doing things like finding recipes for candy corn smoothies, and subsequently turning something which is supposed to be healthy for you into a request for diabetes.   
- I had heard the term 'hayride' before but I didn't really understand what it was. Turns out you just sit on top of some hay in the back of a truck. While this was perfectly satisfactory, and somewhat idilic, I did think it was going to be more racy and adventurous, like a Ferris wheel on hay bales, or like the Giant Drop, but you don't just drop a giant distance, you also land in a big pile of hay. This would probably be a bit shit if you have Hayfever, but I'm not allergic to anything so fuck the rest, right? If you try telling me that 'Hayfever isn't actually caused by hay' in a wanky I-know-more-than-you voice, then I will just laugh at you for being allergic to pet dander, gluten, water, glucose, shells, fish, shellfish, and boys. And hay.
- Mischief night: Have you heard of it and do you do mischief? Supposedly it's an excuse to run around and do slightly bad things, but only on the night before Halloween. 
- Pumpkin-flavoured everything! TEA! COFFEE! PIES! BREAD! CREAM CHEESE! VODKA! BEER! PUMPKINGASM! 

I am acting as a Halloween protégé for my flatmate. She is excited because not only does she love Halloween, but she also gets to make me do many fun things with her. Essentially, it's a massive win-win. 'They' tell me that part of the Halloween experience is watching scary movies. Some of these movies make me feel funny. Every time I watch something involving torture I feel really icky. I don't know how normal people enjoy these movies. From now on, we are only allowed watch cute Halloween movies. Am I soft? Maybe.  

All of that aside, surely Halloween walks of shame are at least five times funnier. 

I'm giving Americana a gold star right now. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I think I will marry a Greek man. The main reason for this is so I can have a surname that sounds much more like a genus of dinosaur.
• I did that thing that I announced a few months ago, which was to run a half marathon. I had fun almost for the whole 21k and now I want to run 42k and maybe even more than that. Soon I will be Batman! 
• How do people think mazes are fun? There is nothing fun about getting lost and having to find your way. Yes, I know it's a 'game'. It's probably not that huge or that difficult, but what if you actually can't get out? 
• Watch this! You really must. 

Thanks for reading and I hope you have the BEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER! 

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Have Three Talents And You Do Too!

A friend of mine called Meg taught me that everyone has three talents. I told her she was wrong. She loves it when I get all argue-y.

Then I thought about it.

I am average-to-good at some things. Like economics. And dinosaurs. And lighting fires. And baking. And making charts which not only chart things, but also flow things. I think they call them 'flowcharts'.

I am average-to-bad at some things. Like talking on the phone. And playing Risk. Coz I hate losing, I avoid playing Risk at all costs. It ruins friendships. You make an alliance, and then someone screws you over and attacks Kamchatka and that's a funny word. If winter is approaching, you know not to attack the Ukraine coz shit's too cold. YOUR TANKS WILL FREEZE!!!

I am real shit at other things. Like drawing. I could draw better when I was 4. I also can't put up tents. I also can't walk in heels.

With a little more thought, I realised that there are 3 things that I am ridiculously awesome at:

1. Sleeping on my face.

2. Holding my breath.

3. Cutting my food with fork.

Re: Sleeping on my face

For the last six years, I have been sleeping on my face. People tell me I look like I am dead. I just kind of lie on my tummy with my legs splayed out and my forehead resting under my arm and my face IN my pillow. Why am I alive?

Re: Holding my breath

This could be a direct result of numero uno. I can seriously hold my breath for a fucking long time. Through the Lyttelton Tunnel (1945m). Over the Rakaia Bridge (no idea how long that guy is). This one time, I held my breath under water for 2 minutes and 56 seconds! When I used to be in finance lectures and I was bored as hell I would hold my breath for a minute, then I rest for another, then I hold for another minute...so on and so on...and then class is over, and I may or may not have improved one of my talents!

Re: Cutting my food with fork

I think this stems from a general retardation of myself. I have no fork-mouth co-ordination on my left side. The contents of my fork will fall to my plate or I will stab my cheek. Then it's all over. With the realisation of this, I thought it was time to cut my losses. I ditched the knife, and proceeded to eat one-handed. I can now cut anything with a fork. Seriously. Try me.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? WHY AM I YELLING AT YOU??? Some good has to come out of this. What is the point in having these three amazing talents, just to have them go to waste? The only thing I can come up with is that if the world suddenly ran outa oxygen, and we could only eat with forks, and only sleep on our faces, it would be survival of the fittest and I would WIN. And then I would breed with someone and we would make a Super Race! That is all.

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I would kind of like a koi pond. Not because I really want a koi pond, but more because I want to be able to say I have a koi pond. Say it. 'Koi pond'. It sounds fun. Say it again. I dare you!!! Koi pond! Koi pond! Koi pond! 
• The smell of lavender is just...so....meh? You know? I'm so indifferent. 
• I have this thing where I like to wear my socks. Without shoes. Then I get holes in all my socks. And it doesn't even matter that I'm all good at wearing matchy-matchy socks with fun patterns like stripes and dots on them (the ones with stripes make me go faster!) because they look like shit. Then people tell me I have holes in my socks and they look at me like on a scale of one to orphan I'm, like, an 8. Maybe even an 8.5. NO, I'M NOT AN ORPHAN! MY PARENTS ARE ALIVE BUT I'M TOO OLD FOR THEM TO BUY ME NEW SOCKS EVERY TWO WEEKS! 
• Watch this! It's from 1995!

I like you all.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

My 100 Favorite Things - Part V

I know I reached 100, but I thought of some more things which I really, really like! There are so many awesome things! 
You can find my other favourite things by clicking these links:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV


Here is the fifth installment: 

1. When people carry children on their back becuase they live in the Andes AND it's practical. The cloths are called aguayos and I like them a lot. LOOK! When I was in Bolivia I often wondered at what age it was acceptable to still be carried. Remember when you were a child and you would pretend you were too little and weak to walk but really you were just being a lazy shithead? Same goes for the kids in these cloths. One time, I swear I saw a kid who was pushing seven years. Poor mum. 
2. Mochi icecream. I can't believe I only discovered mochi this year. That means that I have 22 years of mochi icecream-eating to catch up on. 
3. A cappella, but only when men do it. (In 1913, some suffragette living in some place, threw herself under the King's horse. You may have thought this was me. Hint: It wasn't me.)
4. The smell of tent. You might think it's kinda gross because I guess it smells like stale AND damp at the same time, but to me it smells more like memories and happiness and freedom.
5. City lights at night. Especially when there is water. Then you get city lights, water, and city lights coming off the water!
6. Little dogs who aren't of the rat variety and have the attitude of big dogs. 
7. When it's dark outside but it actually isn't, because there is snow on the ground!
8. Believing that Audrey Hepburn invented breakfast. Thanks, babe.
9. Tiny sombreros.
10. Animals wearing tiny sombreros. Here's a hedgehog/furzepig! Here's a thing! Maybe it's a bear‽
11. Sleeping on my face with my limbs flayed everywhere. Is 'flayed' the right word? (Don't tell me to Google that shit. I'm not on my laptop.)
12. Flirty baristas. HELLO! I didn't just come into this cafe to get a 2% capp and a platonic experience.
13. Power ballads. All of us need an emotive chorus from time to time. Don't fight it!
14. Doing a thing that your family did that you keep on doing even though there's no reason behind it and you don't even live with them anymore. SUNDAY NIGHT ICECREAM!
15. The colour of honey when sunlight shines through it. 
16. Sticking your middle finger up to the weather by eating icecream when it's cold and drinking coffee when it's hot. (I feel like I talk about icecream A LOT. Whatever. I like icecream. YOLO, bitchez!)
17. Milkmen and how they used to deliver milk in glass bottles based on how many glass bottles you left out. I guess they got rid of this system because it was inefficient. For once, I say fuck efficiency. I want nostalgia and regular visits from someone just like Tevye. 
18. Going to a new city/town that's just a little bit shit and realising that you're thankful that home is home.
19. When you find things that look like dinosaurs. This one time I saw a chicken fillet thing that looked more like a velociraptor than a chicken fillet thing and it made my life complete. 
20. Santa when he's not white. Asian santa. Black santa. Latino santa. Latino santa looks like a creeper. 
21. Finding some food which has gone bad and deciding to keep it as a science experiment and NOT getting sick by all the spores which are taking over the whole apartment. (Apparently apple butter is supposed to go in the fridge. No big loss. LET'S SEE HOW WEIRD IT CAN GET!)
22. Pretending you're a tortoise when you're having beers, because in tortoise years, you've only had four!
23. When you're carrying something dangerous in your bag like a banana or yoghurt or some juicy food in a flimsy container and it doesn't leak/explode over all your school books or your sweater and ruin your life. 
24. Telling people the answers to yes/no questions in binary.
25. Seeing people run to catch the bus because it isn't you!

I hope you liked my list of things and that you had a great day.

Will blog again sooooon yay!

Liz Tritops

xoxo