Going to Whole Foods involves spending all your money on organic, gluten free, free range, and vegan things.You love all the animals as much as you love your leather boots, and you smoke your American Spirits because you love your country.
You feel healthy just walking inside!
Here are some things that happen at Whole Foods:
- Sometimes you see 'half foods' and 'quarter foods' or foods which are cut into even smaller pieces.
- Yoga Mums with yoga bums in yoga pants.
- Their three-year-olds smell like antioxidants and have distinctly smoother skin than the three-year-olds one would see at Walmart.
- There are many under-employed hipsters. Don't worry, they still have their trust funds!
- One time I went up to the mezzanine level of whole foods and was given a tasty smoothie which I think they sell for $37.50. Inside of smoothie was bananas, dates, soy milk, and peanut butter. It was amazing. You should make it for $2.50 at home.
- All of the cashiers don't actually believe in time. I know this because every time I wait in line, the cashier doesn't have any sense of this thing called 'urgency'. Too high? Maybe. I feel strongly that the novel concept of 'urgency' should be used when there is a queue-type situation happening. See, normal, non-hipster people actually have things to do at certain times, thus allowing the world to work with more efficiency. This is why conversations should end once payment for groceries has been made. I know putting things in paper bags can be tricksy. It's harder than Tetris. But if I could do it when I was 15, then the good sir who looks 32 AND has intelligence in his eyes should be able to figure it out.
- I just wasted an hour playing Tetris because that's how easily I get distracted.
- All of the girl cashiers wear bandanas as headbands, because they haven't realised that all of them are doing it yet.
- Buy a 'Make your own kombucha!' kit! It only takes 30 days to make!
- Wait. Don't buy one. By the time it ferments, kombucha will be OVER.
- One time I got served by a guy whose name I know but will not mention. He has those thick-framed glasses that he doesn't actually need. Also, I can't work out if he is really young or really old if youknowwhatimean. It makes me feel funny. When he checked my I.D. he made some comment about how awesome it is that I'm from New Zealand because it's obviously the closest thing to paradise and how I'm so worldly, and how all his colleagues are really dumb because he bets 'none of them even know who Julian Assange is, but they're still allowed to vote'! He proceeds to talk to me about Julian Assange for five minutes while packing my groceries as slowly as possible so that he can finish his rant. I was late to be important.
- It's okay because he's attractive.
- Let's also buy bottled water for our dogs. French Bulldogs do deserve the best.
Now all I want to do is run away to go work in a communal farm in Hawaii. Yes! I have three months for that...
Nothing further.
Have a great day
Liz Tritops
xoxo
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