These Things Don't Exist

Some people love conspiracy theories and believe all kinds of noise like that the moon landing didn't happen and hey, while we are at it, neither did 9/11. Now, I am neither a rocket scientist nor a demolitions expert so I feel uninformed to start a fight. If you try and tell me with 100% certainty that the moon landing didn't happen, for shizzle, then I'm gonna be all like how the fuck do you know?  You're not a rocket scientist and neither am I, and you're probably going to get a bit of a slap.  Let's talk about big cats because they definitely exist and they're okay in my books. 

Having said that, there are some things out there which I think are fabricated. 

Here's my list of things that don't actually exist: 

• Arabian Days. It just went from night to night because why else would they make so many stories?
• The hour between 10pm and 11pm. So I'm all like I have a bedtime and it should be somewhere between 10pm and 11pm so I can continue to be a normal human-being where I sleep at night-time and am active during the day. (I would love to be crepuscular, but one time I tried that and it was quite weird. More on that another day). So I'm all: BITCHEZ NEED SLEEP. It's 9.59pm and time to maybe start thinking about this 'bed' thing and I know that in a mere one minute it will be 11pm. This is because somewhere between watching the end of an episode of Community and brushing my teeth and making one more cup of tea and laughing a little bit with my flatmate (maybe about portmanteaus or boyz?) and sitting on the edge of my couch with my knees all tucked up into myself because it's warm and for some reason I'm wearing god-awful-yet-awesome velvet pants which I literally just want to touch and right now I don't know what a comma is. I mean, I'm fucking comfortable, and despite knowing my bed will be more comfortable, you just try telling me that right now. Suddenly, it's well passed 11pm that hour actually didn't exist. 
• Legitimate inspiration for the song 'Holla back girl'. This shit is bananas. B A N A N A S. Fuck yes. 
• A bad time to drink tea. Every time of the day is tea time.  
• Stupid Germans. Logically, they should exist. But you haven't ever met one, have you? Didn't think so...
• Good dubstep must be the best oxymoron.
• Apparently there's a swimming stroke that goes by the name 'butterfly'. For one, butterflies fly, they don't swim, so it's a bit fucked. Just like how people believe that the moon landing was a kinda expensive movie made for a television audience obsessed with being better than the commies, I think this so-called swim stroke was made up for an Olympic television audience obsessed with seeing swimmers do something that was impossible, looks funny, and is quite inefficient. 
• Me coming up with a succinct and honest answer to the question 'so...what kind of music do you like?' The kind of music I like is lots of things, but more than anything I like it when you don't ask me that. It's a 'me' problem and not a 'you' problem. I guess I just haven't figured out a way to explain to people that I like reggaeton and Matchbox Twenty and Westlife without people thinking I am a musical shithead. But I like other music too! 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I love Christmas and Home Alone so much that I just listened to all the music from that movie, including the song that goes: 'diing ding ding diing baa ba ba baa, and then 'laa da da da laa da da da'. You know the one. I pretty much feel like setting booby traps NOW so my home doesn't get broken into. Then I remember that home is where the heart is and I don't really have a heart so it's all good. Kidding. To be real, once I finally acquire a Christmas sweater, no one can touch my shit because I will be so freaking contagiously wholesome. That's a rule. 
• I'm a little bit tipsy so I'm sorry if this is shit for you to read. 
• Wouldn't it be cool if you had a mask you put on when it was sunny and the mask was a Batman mask, and then you got tanned so you had a Batman tan lines. Then, not only do you look like you could be Batman, but you also look like you know how to holiday. 
• You actually must watch this. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. But mostly happy! 

Okay I have to go now

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Halloween 101

Hi Halloween

You're mostly new to me because:

1) I'm from a small and isolated island which struggles to celebrate things with gusto. Sometimes we try to copy American traditions because we see them on the telly and we think they might be fun, but we kinda suck at it. 
2) One of the main halloween activities, Trick-or-treating, was never allowed by Mother. This is because she is 55% CrazyChristian. Don't worry though, she's also a nice lady. Some other parents just thought it was rude to bang on peoples' doors asking for lollies. Fairplay. 

I think I really like Halloween, I just need to find out for sure. Is 23 too old to start Trick-or-treating? Here's my take on it: In Halloween years, I'm an infant. So if anything, I'm too young to be Trick-or-treating. I will go with my friend who is sufficiently small that she can look like a child if she tries hard enough. Pigtails? Scrunchies? Child-like voice? Over-excitement about candy? Tonight, we ARE young! 
Mean Girls taught me to dress like a slut for Halloween. Am I going to? No. I think I will be Mario. I look good with a moustache. I would wear one everyday if society would allow it. 

Here are some things that have confused me about Halloween thus far:
- I had no idea that there were special pumpkins for carving and people grew them in patches. I don't know how to carve pumpkins but I'm excited! My friend and I went to a pumpkin patch on this island close to Portland. A highlight was seeing cute Asians taking cute photos of a cute puppy in amongst many tiny pumpkins. It was like Where's Wally? but instead it was 'Where's Puppy?'. Except that it wasn't as difficult as Where's Wally? because puppy looked nothing like pumpkins, and puppy wouldn't stay still.  (So really it wasn't like Where's Wally? at all. Bah. I guess I just wanted it to be.) I was classy and took a photo of Asians taking photos. METAMETA. Another highlight was seeing more than five white trash people. I enjoy this because it makes me feel good about myself. 
- How can something that looks and feels like plastic taste so good? Yeah, candy corn. I'm talking about you! 
- So many things to buy! Look at these 'humorous' pet costumes. I haven't tried much of all the Halloween-specific candy, and, to be honest, right now I'm scared that there is too much candy and not enough time. This is where I become desperate and start doing things like finding recipes for candy corn smoothies, and subsequently turning something which is supposed to be healthy for you into a request for diabetes.   
- I had heard the term 'hayride' before but I didn't really understand what it was. Turns out you just sit on top of some hay in the back of a truck. While this was perfectly satisfactory, and somewhat idilic, I did think it was going to be more racy and adventurous, like a Ferris wheel on hay bales, or like the Giant Drop, but you don't just drop a giant distance, you also land in a big pile of hay. This would probably be a bit shit if you have Hayfever, but I'm not allergic to anything so fuck the rest, right? If you try telling me that 'Hayfever isn't actually caused by hay' in a wanky I-know-more-than-you voice, then I will just laugh at you for being allergic to pet dander, gluten, water, glucose, shells, fish, shellfish, and boys. And hay.
- Mischief night: Have you heard of it and do you do mischief? Supposedly it's an excuse to run around and do slightly bad things, but only on the night before Halloween. 
- Pumpkin-flavoured everything! TEA! COFFEE! PIES! BREAD! CREAM CHEESE! VODKA! BEER! PUMPKINGASM! 

I am acting as a Halloween protégé for my flatmate. She is excited because not only does she love Halloween, but she also gets to make me do many fun things with her. Essentially, it's a massive win-win. 'They' tell me that part of the Halloween experience is watching scary movies. Some of these movies make me feel funny. Every time I watch something involving torture I feel really icky. I don't know how normal people enjoy these movies. From now on, we are only allowed watch cute Halloween movies. Am I soft? Maybe.  

All of that aside, surely Halloween walks of shame are at least five times funnier. 

I'm giving Americana a gold star right now. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I think I will marry a Greek man. The main reason for this is so I can have a surname that sounds much more like a genus of dinosaur.
• I did that thing that I announced a few months ago, which was to run a half marathon. I had fun almost for the whole 21k and now I want to run 42k and maybe even more than that. Soon I will be Batman! 
• How do people think mazes are fun? There is nothing fun about getting lost and having to find your way. Yes, I know it's a 'game'. It's probably not that huge or that difficult, but what if you actually can't get out? 
• Watch this! You really must. 

Thanks for reading and I hope you have the BEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER! 

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Dreams are Free, Bitchez!

I wrote this when I was drunk. It could be the worst thing you will ever read. I hope not!


Here are some things I wish for:

• I wish I could draw. I don't think I would ever want to be a serious artist because they usually have fucked-up childhoods and are all dark and twisty on the inside. I just wish I were better than I was when I was six. Here's a fun Lizfact: Sometimes I didn't even draw pictures. I would just draw rows of coloured dots. Maybe I lacked imagination, maybe I have OCD. 
• I wish peanut butter didn't stick to the top of my mouth.
• I wish my flatmate knew where Montana was and that New Hampshire was a state. 
• I wish I could fold fitted sheets. And non-fitted sheets. I don't even understand how people can fold things which are three-times their size. 
• I wish I didn't have the hangovers of a 40 year-old.
• I wish I had more dreams. Apparently we all have around five dreams per night or some shit but I never remember mine, and if I do they're always in black and white.  This makes me a little sad. I'm gonna try and eat heaps and heaps of cheese before I go to bed and then maybe I will dream more. Then I can make a graph of cheese-eating relative to dream clarity. It will be a cute science experiment and I'm a nerd. 
• I wish more people used the interrobang. It was created to fill a gap in our punctuation system. Let's fill that gap, dammit!
• I wish I were as brilliant as Jon Favreau.
• I wish the yummy cereals with all the sugar didn't try to rip your mouth apart. 
• I wish there were more traffic circles here. Or roundabouts. Whatever you call 'em. 
• I wish my eggs and toast were always ready at the same time.
• I wish I didn't find cigarettes so enjoyable.
• I wish everyone knew that Batman was better than all the other superheroes. 
• I wish...you know when it's snowed for real and it's night-time but it's not super dark but all bluey and weird outside because the darkness is reflecting on the snow. Or something. And the air  smells crisp and clean and everything is more quiet. Yeah. I wish for that. 
• I wish more people had a favourite dinosaur.
• I wish I could have a dog. Right now.
• I wish it were more common to wear nice hats and gloves. Especially for men.
• I wish I didn't fuck around waiting for my tea to be cold enough to drink then BAM it's really cold so I have to make another one.
• I like yoga. I really do. I wish they didn't say things which verge on being ridiculous and which make me wanna giggle, like 'take a moment to thank yourself for honoring your commitment this space and your body today.' Seriously. You two in the corner: You saw each other yesterday, so why are you doing the whole-body hug with eyes closed thing? It's as if you just survived being eaten by a bear in the woods and you ran separate ways, but you made it to yoga just in time and you're seeing each other again for the first time. Alive.                                                                                   I just want to stretch and maybe feel a little fuzzy on the inside, and be a little less fat. 
• I wish I knew the difference between port, starboard, bow, and stern. You know the game Captain's Coming? I was such a little sheep.
• I wish they didn't make a Mighty Ducks 3. 
• I wish for cheesecake. Right now.
• I wish Pluto wasn't kicked out of the planet club. I feel bad for that little guy.
• I wish roller blades were perpetually cool. Kinda like skateboards. Because I think they deserve it.
• I wish more people knew that tofu tastes good. 
• I wish nuts were never added to chocolate.
• I wish we could pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. LOL JK. 
• I wish girls could wear ties and not look like lesbians or like they're tryna be punk rockers. I LIKE TIES, DAMMIT.
• I wish I could bump into the guy who writes Books of Adam. He lives in Portland and I think his name might be Adam. We could talk about fun things.
• I wish I had the time and constant supply of baking things to bake something perfect everyday and share it with YOU. 
• I wish that the cheese in America didn't just taste like texture. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I like how the homeless people here have dogs; the dogs look happy and not super hungry.
• All the men here are 30-ish or gay. I'm outa luck. You can shake an apple tree as much as you want, but you're never gonna get bananas to fall. I just made that up. You like it? Wisdom from Liz is called Lizdom. 
• Have you ever said 'I'm not hungry' to Grandma? Didn't think so. 
• This will either be the best part of your day or something else. Let's face it, you're not busy and important enough to say no to 1:42 of awesome. Watch it! 

I have to go to work now.

Have a good day!!! 

Liz Tritops

xoxo

My Ultimate Team of Five

It's about time I posted. I've had my mind on other things - mostly the stress/excitement of moving countries and big life change wank wank wank. BTW, I  smell. You know when you tell people you smell but you don't really mean you smell, you've just gotten slightly sweaty and you want to complain, but you still smell nice. Well, I ACTUALLY SMELL RIGHT NOW. Babe'n. 


I'm getting that thing where I haven't slept or eaten much and I've only had coffee and I'm all twitchy and weird. 


Today I decided on something called 'My Ultimate Team of Five'. Maybe 'UTF' for short. Don't know why it's five. Maybe it's because five people is the best number for a group of people to achieve things, like the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys. Also Westlife originally had five members, but if you tell anyone I like them I will FUCKINGKILLYOU. Basically, you can choose five characters from ANYTHING to make up a crime-fighting/play-time/tomfoolery gang.


My Ultimate Team of Five:


Batman
Squirtle
Harry Potter
Nigel Thornberry
Chewbacca 


Who would you choose? 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• Brushing your teeth in the shower? Don't do it. It's weird and warm. 
• I still haven't learnt how to do cryptic crosswords yet.
• I think the world would be slightly better if we reverted back to paperlunchbags and glassmilkbottles. The idea of a milkman is also rather nice. I don't care if it's inefficient; I don't mind paying a little extra.  
• On the topic of milk, watch this. You'll laugh, and you'll be disturbed. 

That's all. 


I like you.


xoxo Liz Tritops