Between leaving Portland and arriving in Korea, I embarked on a roadtrip with my flatmate down through California. Here are some badly-ordered thoughts and happenings:
We spent most of the road trip being quite healthy. We ran and I even tried climbing things. Problems happen when you see a candy store. Like, a store, that only has lollies. And lots of them. Also, what do you even do when you drive past the Jelly Belly factory‽
LA was weird for me, but I had fun.
The main purpose of LA was so I could get my visa. I spent the week in a haze of unavoidable stress, because embassies/airports/immigration stress me out a little. I am always concerned that something will go wrong, even if I do everything right.
So much driving had to happen. Now, I do like driving, but I think cities should be made for people and not cars, and gosh, if you live and work in LA, you probably spend 2hrs in the car per day. Fuck that. I gotta do more important things, like watch Hoarders and write worthless lists.
I was really confused about the climate. Call me stupid, but I always thought LA was subtropical because of all the palm trees. Then I was informed that I was in the desert. Back the truck up. How can this be? We are next to the ocean‽ Basically, when it comes to things that aren't familiar to me, I struggle to accept them. Example: Being from an island country, the idea that you can drive to another country still weirds me out.
Does everyone from LA hate their parents? Signs point to yes.
Fill ALL the space with noise.
I ran into a friend randomly in LA. He doesn't live there. Neither do I. Words cannot express how much I love it when you see someone you know in a big city where neither of you live. It's the best.
We drove to Compton and drank a forty in a parking lot.
Kidding. We just drove to Compton to get Taco Bell (nice drive, I guess) and how am I supposed to know that Nacho Cheese Doritos tacos ALWAYS have meat in them? GOSH. I call secret meat. #healthyroadtrip #goodvegetarian
Ferris Wheels are actually on my top 100 list. There was a ferris wheel on Venice Beach, and it looked so close to us. It wasn't. Beaches can be so deceptive with distances. You think it's 300m away but it's really 3k away. Distance WTF. The ferris wheel was the shittiest one I've ever been on. I would love to see what Venice Beach looked like on a sunny Saturday in the 1960s. No further comments.
One more comment. You would have to pay me to buy something from them the shops there. And then I would probably gift it to you. So really, you would just be buying something shitty for yourself. I win.
My last night in LA was spent in the gay district watching male dancers. Drinks were four times the price as they would have been in Portland. Did I really want to pay $16 for a Quick Fuck? Hellsno. But you don't even have to drink as much because everyone is already more attractive (in a 'you have nice features, a tan, and you spend $500 on your hair' kind of way).
Then I got a toothache.
Don't tell anyone, but I haven't been to the dentist since Year 13. 2006! I AM THE WORST! My wisdom teeth are coming through. Sometimes this means that I just want a chew toy. I feel like there had been no dental emergency here because I think it's pretty normal to want a chew toy, right? So far, no big problems; my bonus teeth have been okay, so I'm thinking, let 'em do their thing! I sooo have space in my mouth. The more the merrier, right? (I like to call 'em 'bonus teeth'. I can call them 'wisdom teeth' after having at least two children, once I have read The Art of War, and after having established consistent sleeping patterns (I don't know how this will make me wise, but I feel like knowing how to sleep is a prerequisite for being wise.) Note: After getting dementia and catching racism, they will, subsequently, become 'bonus teeth' again.
I didn't just want a chew toy. I wanted to kill something. If you've ever had a bad toothache, you know how cranky you can become. PMS times three, I reckon. Painkillers sometimes don't work because something about the nerve being right there or something or other. Liz Scientist Roberts.
I could not fit everything into suitcase. Not even close. While I suck at packing, I usually enjoy it. Not this time. I was as organised as the Egyptian Bread Riots.
Nek minnit, I'm in Korea.
The End.
Other thoughts from me this week:
I really want 'them' to invent an App called 'Words with Enemies'. Raise the stakes.
One of my children didn't know the word for 'snot' so she said 'nose pee' instead. I thought it was kinda adorbs. Doing the best with what you've got.
Hi Halloween You're mostly new to me because: 1) I'm from a small and isolated island which struggles to celebrate things with gusto. Sometimes we try to copy American traditions because we see them on the telly and we think they might be fun, but we kinda suck at it. 2) One of the main halloween activities, Trick-or-treating, was never allowed by Mother. This is because she is 55% CrazyChristian. Don't worry though, she's also a nice lady. Some other parents just thought it was rude to bang on peoples' doors asking for lollies. Fairplay. I think I really like Halloween, I just need to find out for sure. Is 23 too old to start Trick-or-treating? Here's my take on it: In Halloween years, I'm an infant. So if anything, I'm too young to be Trick-or-treating. I will go with my friend who is sufficiently small that she can look like a child if she tries hard enough. Pigtails? Scrunchies? Child-like voice? Over-excitement about candy? Tonight, we ARE young! Mean Girls taught me to dress like a slut for Halloween. Am I going to? No. I think I will be Mario. I look good with a moustache. I would wear one everyday if society would allow it. Here are some things that have confused me about Halloween thus far: - I had no idea that there were special pumpkins for carving and people grew them in patches. I don't know how to carve pumpkins but I'm excited! My friend and I went to a pumpkin patch on this island close to Portland. A highlight was seeing cute Asians taking cute photos of a cute puppy in amongst many tiny pumpkins. It was like Where's Wally? but instead it was 'Where's Puppy?'. Except that it wasn't as difficult as Where's Wally? because puppy looked nothing like pumpkins, and puppy wouldn't stay still. (So really it wasn't like Where's Wally? at all. Bah. I guess I just wanted it to be.) I was classy and took a photo of Asians taking photos. METAMETA. Another highlight was seeing more than five white trash people. I enjoy this because it makes me feel good about myself. - How can something that looks and feels like plastic taste so good? Yeah, candy corn. I'm talking about you! - So many things to buy! Look at these 'humorous' pet costumes. I haven't tried much of all the Halloween-specific candy, and, to be honest, right now I'm scared that there is too much candy and not enough time. This is where I become desperate and start doing things like finding recipes for candy corn smoothies, and subsequently turning something which is supposed to be healthy for you into a request for diabetes. - I had heard the term 'hayride' before but I didn't really understand what it was. Turns out you just sit on top of some hay in the back of a truck. While this was perfectly satisfactory, and somewhat idilic, I did think it was going to be more racy and adventurous, like a Ferris wheel on hay bales, or like the Giant Drop, but you don't just drop a giant distance, you also land in a big pile of hay. This would probably be a bit shit if you have Hayfever, but I'm not allergic to anything so fuck the rest, right? If you try telling me that 'Hayfever isn't actually caused by hay' in a wanky I-know-more-than-you voice, then I will just laugh at you for being allergic to pet dander, gluten, water, glucose, shells, fish, shellfish, and boys. And hay. - Mischief night: Have you heard of it and do you do mischief? Supposedly it's an excuse to run around and do slightly bad things, but only on the night before Halloween. - Pumpkin-flavoured everything! TEA! COFFEE! PIES! BREAD! CREAM CHEESE! VODKA! BEER! PUMPKINGASM! I am acting as a Halloween protégé for my flatmate. She is excited because not only does she love Halloween, but she also gets to make me do many fun things with her. Essentially, it's a massive win-win. 'They' tell me that part of the Halloween experience is watching scary movies. Some of these movies make me feel funny. Every time I watch something involving torture I feel really icky. I don't know how normal people enjoy these movies. From now on, we are only allowed watch cute Halloween movies. Am I soft? Maybe. All of that aside, surely Halloween walks of shame are at least five times funnier. I'm giving Americana a gold star right now. Other thoughts from me this week:
I think I will marry a Greek man. The main reason for this is so I can have a surname that sounds much more like a genus of dinosaur.
I did that thing that I announced a few months ago, which was to run a half marathon. I had fun almost for the whole 21k and now I want to run 42k and maybe even more than that. Soon I will be Batman!
How do people think mazes are fun? There is nothing fun about getting lost and having to find your way. Yes, I know it's a 'game'. It's probably not that huge or that difficult, but what if you actually can't get out?
