High School Was Okay

Some people really hated high school. I didn't. 

Here's why high school was okay:

• Sometimes I was the captain of sports teams like football and dragon boating and it made me feel good at life and a little important.
• I liked to play sport and I was smaller than I am now! That was great! We got to wear blue uniforms for football which is my favourite color to wear when playing THE BEST SPORT. Our uniforms were silky and big; they kind of looked more like pajamas, but I was okay with that because they were comfy and shiny things go faster.  
• There was a rumour going around that this skanky girl had an STI that made her bleed out her anus. I don't think such an STI exists, but it was fun to pass on the rumour (don't worry, I'm only 2% bitch) and it was also fun to say 'anus'.
• I worked at a supermarket when I was 15 and one of my friends and I used to play a game with the food from the produce section, coz thats how cool we were. When we put something like a banana or an apple or a tomato or any other fruit/vegetable type thang through the checkouts we had to ring-up a number, oldskool style. If you were really good, you knew all the codes (PLUs) and could tell the 9,000 types of pears apart from each other. So at school, whenever me and this girl, let's call her Rosamund (this may or may not have been her name. Hint: It was), saw some food that had a PLU, we would have to shout out this 4-digit code, and whoever got it first, won. 'Won what?', you might ask. Er...nothing. 
• In hindsight, maybe working at a supermarket made me realise that high school was comparitively more fun than repeatedly scanning things for people on checkouts, and that I would never want to be stuck doing that for the rest of my life. Apparently I learned an importland lesson: SUCCESSFUL BITCHEZ FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. 
• I like learning! I remember this one lesson we had in biology where we learned about the different sleep cycles animals have. I liked the crepuscular ones the best because they're different and also I think crabs are kind of neat. Then I became crepuscular for a while. Not because I wanted to be a crab or anything like that; I think I just got really excited that crepuscular things even exist so my body decided to try and make me crepuscular on some kind of sub-conscious level. 

Here are a few reasons I like crabs: 

1. I already told you that they are crepuscular. 
2. Most of them move sideways, but not all of them! 
3. The ones that move sideways don't even walk, they slide. Or something. 
4. Thanks to crabs, we have the word 'crabwise'.
5. They talk to each other by drumming or waving their pincers. Much like Italians, yes?

• Biology was actually great (minus for too many years I had this old and boring teacher with cankles). I found it fun to learn about evolution. Sometimes I would look at people and decide what they looked like the most: Example: Does the kid walking into the art block look more like a neanderthal or a homo habilis? NERDALERT? Maybes. 
• Titrating was fun.
• Camp was fun. 
• Sleeping in calculus was fun. 
• Drama class was glorified playtime. 
• P.E. was ACTUAL playtime. 
• The teacher that lied to me about guerrilla warfare and the potato famine was a disaster but also hilarious. 
• WHO WAS HAVING SEX AND WHO WASN'T? WOW!!!!
• I liked wearing a uniform. It was official, and neat, and you didn't have to worry about what to wear everyday. I especially liked wearing a tie. I wore it everyday, partly for status (only the older kids were allowed), but also because I freaking love ties! They're not just for men or punks or lesbians, people! We also wore kilts. This might sound weird, but it wasn't because I was in CHRISTCHURCH. 
• Then I went to high school in Argentina and it was quite different but also fun. Maybe I will write about that one day. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I took life into my own hands and decided to learn the laundry symbols. This one DOES NOT mean keep your button in a box:

• After learning about the laundry symbols, I made up a game called 'Hieroglyphic or Laundry Symbol'. I draw a thing which is either a laundry symbol or a hieroglyphic on a little piece of paper and I make people guess which thing it is! Great game!
• How the fuck do these dolls exist? Apparently grandmas used to make them. Thanks grandma! Ew. 
• ...and here is a dog stealing a cabbage. WATCH IT!

I think that's all.

Byebye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Supermarkets and Airports

I like these two places heaps. I hope you do too! 


The Supermarket:

• I often like to live my life by the rule of 'try everything once'. This includes food. To make my trips to the supermarket much more interesting I always buy something I have never had before. This can be anything from canned chestnuts to durians to weird Asian drinks which come in a can and I don't even know what they are called or what the ingredients are. Usually, I just try and buy one new thing each time. I would have so much fun if I got too excited and I would go on a shopping trip which consisted of 'only buying new things' (easy for me to do this now that I am in America). Last time I brought a new thing it was buckwheat and it was really gross. I feel like buckwheat might have been slave food? I'm not a slave.  
• When I go home and put ALL THIS FOOD in my pantry I'm gonna have so much more food than you and I can choose what I'm gonna eat. Often I think about making a meal but I have sooo many options that I never end up making anything. Pretty much, I sample all the things that I have just brought. I don't know why I do this; obviously I'm excited that I have so many options, but it's not as though I have to check to make sure it's not poisonous, and unless I'm doing the TRY EVERYTHING ONCE RULE mentioned above then I already know what it tastes like. 
• Sometimes I fill my trolly with apples and bananas and tomatoes and avocados and weird blends of milk like coconut and almond at the same time! This is because I guess I try and be healthy. THEN when I see people with their trollies filled up with potato chips and sausages and soft drink and chocolate I can get my judgmental face on and feel really good about myself. Sometimes, I look in all the trollies and if I'm the healthiest person based on the goods in my trolly then I win! What do I win? I dunno. Probably a carrot. Yay. 
• This one time, I saw a gender question with his/her trolly filled up with soy milk and rice crackers. Only. It had around 12 cartons of soy milk and 30 packets of rice crackers. NO LIE. 
• I like a place which brings together everyone. If you're in a supermarket in the middle of a city, it usually knows no bounds of race and class...heck, even gender. When in Portlandia, it is not safe to assume something is a man or a woman.  
• I find talking to the checkout operator good fun. I try and be pleasant and make them chuckle, because I know what it's like to be in their shoes and people generally suck. 

The Airport:

• Some people are grumpy and tired and I find it kinda amusing, because even if I'm at an airport and very tired I'm never grumpy because I'M AT AN AIRPORT!
• I like big spaces and seeing people going to places; getting shit done. Also, everything feels so sterile.
• You can sit and watch people come through the arrivals gate and greet their family and/or friends who they love heaps and may not have seen for quite some time. It makes my heart feel happy.
• There are also other people to watch too. 
• When I'm at an airport I'm usually going somewhere to have some kind of adventure. So not only am I about to have an amazing time, I'm also gonna get to take-off, eat aeroplane food, and land!!!
• Just like an inner-city supermarket, airports are very multicultural. I like to play a game called 'guess the nationality'. It involves guessing the nationality. I pick a person or two, stare at them for not quite long enough to be a creeper, and then I stand by them and/or follow them and try and see where they are from based on accent, language, or by trying to read their passport. If I get it right, I get 10 points. 
• Those little cars going around on the tarmac look like tiny bugs going nuts!!
• Tarmac. It's quite big. Tar-penetration macadam. Fuckingfuck. I didn't know that was a word! 
• Going up the downescalator and down the upescalator. 
• Kidding. I'm not a child anymore. 
• I take a little bit of joy watching people who are shit at airports. Listen buddy, you know that the luggage limit is 23 kgs. No, you can't take more things than that, and if you do, you have to pay for it. Taking all your clothes out of your suitcase and repacking them in a different order will not change the weight of your suitcase. Yeh, let's see how many jackets you really can wear at one time! IT MIGHT BE 6! This guy wore 155 shirts! 
• This might seem weird but being in an airport makes me feel really rich. 
• It's ok to wear ridiculously comfy pants. 
• If your flight is delayed you get to stay at the airport even longer! In your comfy pants!!!

Other thoughts from me this week:

• You should play this game. It's called Cheese or Font. I'm quite bad at it. I think it would be great to design a font and a type of cheese with the same name, and then you wouldn't lose. This wouldn't take me too long since I'm an excellent typographer AND cheesemaker, dontchaknow.  
• I wish we could have mini-bears as pets. For example: There are wolves and we keep smaller versions of them (dogs) as pets. There are tigers and lions and cheetahs and other big cats and we keep smaller versions of them (cats) as pets. I don't see why we can't do the same thing with bears. This guy I work with (WHADUP Ryan) informed me that we can't do that because there actually aren't any tiny bear-like things which even exist. I told him that surely we can domesticate them to be smaller and just breed the smaller ones until they keep getting smaller and smaller. I hope this is true?
• I miss carpet. It's so soft underfoot. 
• How long does it take to travel 80 miles/hour? Watch this! 

BYE!

Thank you for reading. I hope you had fun.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Liztips: Round I

Hi. Here are some Liztips. Liztips are life tips brought to you by Liz.


After reading this you will probably become much more awesome than you were before.


You're welcome.

• Normal lines at the supermarket are sometimes shorter than those 'express' lines. Humbling, or ironic?
• Never underestimate liquidity. 
• To climb up stairs really quickly, you could just run. That would be boring. Try using all your limbs.
• If you're wanting to scratch an itch, use something sharp. Using a motorcycle helmet is not ideal.
• If you're thirsty, you WILL want two drinks. Most people go to the kitchen because they realise that they need hydration. So you get a beverage and skull it. Then you go and sit your arse back on the couch. But you were so thirsty before that one drink doesn't cut it, so you have to get up and get another one. ALWAYS bring one back to the couch with you first time. Come on kids, it's not difficult. I call this the 'two drink rule'. Simple, but effective.
• If you really hate someone, teach them to recognise bad kerning.
• If you're a dinosaur, three horns are always better than two. 
• 'I'll pick up those next time' is not always the best philosophy when referring to tampons.
• Monopoly. ORANGE STREETS. Every time. 
• You may think that fruit for pudding is boring. It is. 
• I've told you this before, but you should still always know where your towel is. 
• If you see a Christmas sweater and it's not Christmas time, buy it anyway. Soon, it will be a Christmas and you will have more fun in an appropriately-themed sweater. 

On the triceratops 


Some people think the triceratops isn't actually a real dinosaur. This is slander, and you shouldn't believe them. Here's why the triceratops is my favourite dinosaur: 

• You know how I just told you that three horns are better than two? Well... 
• Four legs are also better than two. 
• Here's a quote from some famous palentologist guy: "It is hard to walk out into the Hell Creek Formation and not stumble upon a Triceratops weathering out of a hillside." MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. 
• They were covered in bristles. None of this 'feather' shit that other dinosaurs had.
• This little guy was ok. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• Never put yoghurt potles in with your school books. Exploding yoghurt not only ruins school books, but it will also ruin the rest of your day. 
• Ham and cheese sandwiches = the quiet achiever of the sandwich world. Unpretentious, yet classic and effective.
• You know the voice of Optimus Prime and voice of Eeyore‽ SAME GUY. I'm not even kidding. For the record, Eeyore is the biggest fun sponge. Here are some aweful things Eeyore says: "After all, what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow."    "There are those who will wish you good morning. If it is a good morning, which I doubt."
• Watch this. 

I hope you're having a great day. I might have some more Liztips for you another day.

Take care

Liz Tritops

xoxo