These Things Don't Exist

Some people love conspiracy theories and believe all kinds of noise like that the moon landing didn't happen and hey, while we are at it, neither did 9/11. Now, I am neither a rocket scientist nor a demolitions expert so I feel uninformed to start a fight. If you try and tell me with 100% certainty that the moon landing didn't happen, for shizzle, then I'm gonna be all like how the fuck do you know?  You're not a rocket scientist and neither am I, and you're probably going to get a bit of a slap.  Let's talk about big cats because they definitely exist and they're okay in my books. 

Having said that, there are some things out there which I think are fabricated. 

Here's my list of things that don't actually exist: 

• Arabian Days. It just went from night to night because why else would they make so many stories?
• The hour between 10pm and 11pm. So I'm all like I have a bedtime and it should be somewhere between 10pm and 11pm so I can continue to be a normal human-being where I sleep at night-time and am active during the day. (I would love to be crepuscular, but one time I tried that and it was quite weird. More on that another day). So I'm all: BITCHEZ NEED SLEEP. It's 9.59pm and time to maybe start thinking about this 'bed' thing and I know that in a mere one minute it will be 11pm. This is because somewhere between watching the end of an episode of Community and brushing my teeth and making one more cup of tea and laughing a little bit with my flatmate (maybe about portmanteaus or boyz?) and sitting on the edge of my couch with my knees all tucked up into myself because it's warm and for some reason I'm wearing god-awful-yet-awesome velvet pants which I literally just want to touch and right now I don't know what a comma is. I mean, I'm fucking comfortable, and despite knowing my bed will be more comfortable, you just try telling me that right now. Suddenly, it's well passed 11pm that hour actually didn't exist. 
• Legitimate inspiration for the song 'Holla back girl'. This shit is bananas. B A N A N A S. Fuck yes. 
• A bad time to drink tea. Every time of the day is tea time.  
• Stupid Germans. Logically, they should exist. But you haven't ever met one, have you? Didn't think so...
• Good dubstep must be the best oxymoron.
• Apparently there's a swimming stroke that goes by the name 'butterfly'. For one, butterflies fly, they don't swim, so it's a bit fucked. Just like how people believe that the moon landing was a kinda expensive movie made for a television audience obsessed with being better than the commies, I think this so-called swim stroke was made up for an Olympic television audience obsessed with seeing swimmers do something that was impossible, looks funny, and is quite inefficient. 
• Me coming up with a succinct and honest answer to the question 'so...what kind of music do you like?' The kind of music I like is lots of things, but more than anything I like it when you don't ask me that. It's a 'me' problem and not a 'you' problem. I guess I just haven't figured out a way to explain to people that I like reggaeton and Matchbox Twenty and Westlife without people thinking I am a musical shithead. But I like other music too! 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I love Christmas and Home Alone so much that I just listened to all the music from that movie, including the song that goes: 'diing ding ding diing baa ba ba baa, and then 'laa da da da laa da da da'. You know the one. I pretty much feel like setting booby traps NOW so my home doesn't get broken into. Then I remember that home is where the heart is and I don't really have a heart so it's all good. Kidding. To be real, once I finally acquire a Christmas sweater, no one can touch my shit because I will be so freaking contagiously wholesome. That's a rule. 
• I'm a little bit tipsy so I'm sorry if this is shit for you to read. 
• Wouldn't it be cool if you had a mask you put on when it was sunny and the mask was a Batman mask, and then you got tanned so you had a Batman tan lines. Then, not only do you look like you could be Batman, but you also look like you know how to holiday. 
• You actually must watch this. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. But mostly happy! 

Okay I have to go now

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Why Hoarders is the BEST Show

I know when I'm watching bad television. One of the great things about Hoarders is that, even though it's rubbish, I still feel really good about myself because my life is better than the lives of the people who are on the show. 


Here are some reasons why I think Hoarders is the GREATEST:

• Some people keep chainsaws in their kitchen cupboards. 
• This lady's all like: "Be careful with my collection of garden magazines from 1957". Said collection has literally been lying under rat shit. 
• Sometimes the background music sounds like the music off Home Alone when Kevin is boobytrapping the house. 
• Many of the hoarders invariably fail at sorting their things out. As Wes Anderson taught us, failure is always more interesting than success. At the end of the show, sometimes it will tell you something like "Child Protective Services decided that Wendy is still a malicious hoarder and she cannot have her children back. Wendy had a heart attack under a pile of newly acquired boxes six weeks ago." Then I think, what the fuck did I just spend an hour watching? I like that it's real. So real. 
• Sometimes there are cute husbands who haven't divorced their hoarder wives yet because they really love them. 'Til death and all that. 
• Sad is refreshing. I was watching this special on animal hoarders, and there was this old lesbian couple who decided it was their mission to save all the animals of the world. Maybe like Noah's Ark but without the ark, and without Noah. In turn, they had so many animals that they couldn't look after any of them and they were all starving and manky and barky. 
• Here is a tag line for one of the episodes: 'Every room in Phyllis' house is packed with dolls. Her obsession has manifested itself into a floor to ceiling collection of bags stuffed with dolls, and a doll hospital in a spare bedroom where she "amputates" the limbs.' HOW COULD YOU NOT WATCH THAT?

Here are some quotes and pictures if you wanna see!!

From someone, in some episode: "She prefers to be alone. I think the collecting of things is kind of... her people." 
BUY A GRAMMAR! 


Look! This slipper was half-eaten by a rat! Why do you have it‽‽‽

The guys who work on the clean-up team are hilarious. In one episode, Kerrylea was crying because there was a missing piece of a broken tile which she needed to glue the tile back together. This is Kerrylea: 

She kinda sucks at life. Also, her name is Kerrylea.


One of the clean-up boys was all like: "We probably just threw out the piece of tile because...um...it was a broken piece of tile." Just by looking at his face you know he's thinking 'I wanna through out all this junk and get the eff out of here I hate my life.' 

Scandals like this happen: 

SCANDAL! DISASTROUS!
No, you can't press play. It's just a silly screenshot.  


"My name is Gary and I'm unemployed. Yeah, I got too many bunnies."
Also from Gary: "I've never done nothing wrong in my life. Misdemeanors, yeah, that's growing up and stuff like that. What did I do wrong? I have bunnies. That's what I did wrong."


"Peanut butter jars are NOT construction supplies!" - A daughter to her father. 


Check out this lady:

She was already a hoarder. Then she decides that she's going to get some crystals to help with her hoarding. Nek minnit, she is hoarding crystals. Oh the irony. 


I hope you appreciate all the research which has gone into this show. Primarily, this entailed watching Hoarders for hours. 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• Last night I had a dream where I went to the doctor's and they gave me breast implants. (I don't know who 'they' were.) I woke up and had to make sure I didn't have too much boob because I didn't know if I was dreaming. In the dream my nipples were in funny places. It was bizarre.
• My flatmate brought toast cutter that makes a piece of toast into two dinosaurs! I LOVE HER! Not only does it dinosaur, it also multiplies! (I just made dinosaur into a verb. That happened.)
• I'm going to run in a half marathon soon. Then a full marathon. I will turn awesome! I'm also going to be one of those annoying people who will want to show people my toned thighs and tell them how I love to leave parties early and get up at 5am to run for two hours when it's pissing down with rain. I know THEY WON'T GET IT! 
• Watch this! It's from Pokemon. 

I gotta go. 


I will write again sooooon.


Liz Tritops


xoxo

Liztips: Round III

Here are some more tips from me that will improve your life!


For the first two rounds of Liztips, click here and here. 

• When writing a To-Do List, always write some things which you have already done so you have things to cross-off. NEVER FAIL! 
• Always do your laundry before you pack. Otherwise you have to unpack your packing, and launder your laundry, then re-pack. FUCK.
• When you buy birthday presents for people, always buy something for yourself, because if they can have something nice, then so can you! uR w0rTh iT, GuRL xoxo
• Drink whiquila. Whisky and tequila is the perfect mixture of angry and horny. You should shot it to Eye of the Tiger, or maybe Blaze of Glory or something similar. 
• Never live somewhere where you can't pee freely in your own backyard. (Sean's dad told Sean. Then Sean told me!)
• Whenever you're home alone, eat mac 'n' cheese with a glass of milk. If it worked for Kevin McCallister, it will work for you. 
• Never buy apples in bulk bags of 52. They're small, shitty, and the bag is like a bruise machine. 
• Salt is not the opposite of sugar. Nor is sugar the opposite of salt. 
• Don't have two beers and then sit on the bus for an hour. Your bladder is not that big.
• Listen to Nickelback just so you know that you should never listen to Nickelback. 
• Potato on pizza = Better than expected. 
• Call things by old names like 'worsted' and 'haberdashery' and 'nightertale' then people might think you're from the late middle ages (or even that you're an alien!). This is always a fun game. 
• Hate Florida until it gives you a reason to like it. 
• Hate mowing the lawn until it gives you a reason to like it.
• Be skinny because society tells you to. And....go!

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Do leprechauns make leprechaun-sized shoes or people-sized shoes? Don't go try telling me leprechauns don't exist. 
• Kine is the plural of cow‽‽
• Flo Rida is from Florida. See what he did there? 
• The next post will be in the form of Power Point Presentation. WOOOOOP!!!
• Shortbread is from the 12th century. Why the fuck are we still eating it? Bleck.
• WATCH THIS NOW PLEASE

The internetz is funny. Look:

While it says 'Resolved Question', there was no suitable answer at all. Hmm.

Gotta go. It's Saturday night and I'm obviously doing exciting things.

Laterzzzzz

Liz Tritops

xoxo