Bingo Is Ma Fave

On one of my last nights in Portland, my flatmate and I did something that we had been wanting to do for quite some time. Guess what it was? Bingo! There is this place just down the road from our old apartment which would have Bingo two or three times a week, but we had been so busy and important that we hadn't managed to make it.
On our last Tuesday in town, we dragged two other comrades along with us to try and compete with the best. It was actually too much fun.

Here are some things about Bingo:

• We only got there just in time so everyone was already there with their Bingo cards. I'm in a new environment AND I'm late. Fucking great. We had no idea how the procedures worked. Most of the old ladies looked very serious, and they were. They were also trying to be kind and help, but they rushed through the instructions like they were a piece of cake. Really, for us newbies, it wasn't so self-explanatory. There were 10 games, and they all had different shapes you needed to get to call BINGO and different things cost different amounts of money, and on the info sheet we were given, the instructions were like this: 'Straight Line Bingo (side pot) continuing to Pattern Game for prize (50 cents). Continues to First Blackout (quarters collected) and Second Blackout (free drink ticket).' Huh?
• The instruction sheet also said 'Tuesday Night East Portland #3256 Auxiliary Bingo' at the top. What the heck is 'Auxiliary Bingo'?
• Some people had five or six cards. Honestly, that's tricky. 
• Five or six cards is even more tricky if you play like I did during the first round. When they called things like 'I 19' I didn't realise that this meant '19' must be in the 'I' column. I was frantically looking over my three sheets in all the columns for the numbers. How was this so hard for me‽
• This left me thinking that I'm really not smart at Bingo.
• But then I thought, 'HEY! There are still nine more games! And I'm not NOT smart, yaknow?'
• We were given bread but it was really crusty, so we got crumbs all over the table. Good for us, bad for them. 
• 'Auxiliary Bingo' took place at an 'American Eagles' room or something. I think it's basically a club room for old people. It smelt slightly of racism, misunderstanding vegetarians, and prunes. There was weird eagle stuff everywhere. Like a creepy picture of an eagle head. And an eagle on the ceiling. And some more  eagle stuff. Then I saw a painting of a smiling bunny carrying balloons. Playing 'find the odd one out' had never been easier. This place was weird. 
• I know it was cold outside, but the announcer lady (let's just call her Ethel, okay?) was wearing a Christmas sweater in March. 
• She was nice, though, and it was a great sweater. She also knew how to entice the crowd with her prizes which she got from the supermarket. This is Ethel announcing one of prize sets: "Whoever wins this 'five around the corner' can have some shrimp and a salad, or this little barbie doll that I got on sale at Fred Meyer." Choice. There was loud clapping.
• Everyone loves to clap at Bingo. 
• Ethel would often say things like "It's a hot bed!" or "It's heating up in here!" 
• Someone won fish and chips, and it seemed to be the most coveted prize. An old man pointed and yelled "SHE GOT THE FISH AND CHIPS!!" at the lady that won. I think he was actually slightly angry about it. So that was great. 
• There was in obese lady named Tracy in an electric scooter. She won a cake, but then Ethel asked her if she would rather have diet candy instead. I don't know if this is sweet or embarrassing. 
• Bingo must be great for old people, because you don't need to remember anything. In fact, it's probably great if you DO forget things, because then you can just focus on the cards and not worry about what your grandchildren are called.  
• My lawyer friend won $38 and screamed 'Yay! Bus money! I'm so broke, this is awesome!', so go America for being out of the recession. AND Paige won a fluffy blanket (probably also brought from Fred Meyer on sale). 
• When we left, an old lady said to us "Nice to see you girls, even if you did win all our cotton-picking money!"  
• I didn't win anything. Some people might say Bingo is gambling so therefore it is bad. Maybe. Maybe not. I think I spent, like, $5. And did I get $5 worth of fun out of it? Heck yes I did.
• You should all find where the old people in your hood hang, or just gatecrash a retirement home. Bingo is exciting, and surprisingly nerve-racking. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I need to find out what old people do for fun in Korea. Maybe it's as fun as Bingo.
• I've flossed my teeth everyday for a month. I just want you to know that. 
• There's a breed of dog called the 'Karelian Bear Dog'. It doesn't look like a bear AND a dog. It just looks like a dog. It can be used to hunt bears, so that's a bit confusing. 

Here's a video because it's Monday:

(Well, not just 'coz it's Monday. I do this every time.

Gosh. I wish I could get this excited about things. Like Mondays.) 

Have a great week. 

Loveyoubye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I'm a Smart Girl, but I'm not Always Right

Sometimes I am wrong. I made a list of things I thought I knew. This was way back when Pluto was still a planet and everyone agreed that the Triceratops was a proper dinosaur. 

• I thought I was invincible at Cluedo. One day, I lost, and I haven't played since. This is not just because it's not everyday that you get offered the chance to participate in the second best board game, but also I'm scared because I don't know exactly who I am anymore. I thought I could figure out all the clues, dammit. Half the time, it's that bitch Mrs. White. 
• A flying fox is not just a freaking awesome piece of playground, but also an animal. You can even call them megabats if you want. Isn't that great? LOOK AT THE PICTURE!
• I have this theory about fruit that I may have told you before. If the effort involved in  eating a particular piece of fruit outweighs the deliciousness of eating it, then it's a no-go. Think sticky hands. Think juice going everywhere. Think rind under fingernails. Think seeds and pips in teeth. Think where the blimin' heck do I put the skin? I've seen enough Vaudville to both appreciate the potential slapstick value in the banana skin but also realise the danger. As an economics student who loves cost and benefit and all those nerdy things, I contemplated my theory for quite some time. Many graphs and equations were made. Well, not really. That being said, I honestly thought that the humble grapefruit was dead to me. Then, I discovered the GRAPEFRUIT SPOON! Great invention, guys. It's like the superhero of the utensil world. Hell, why can't these spoons be wearing capes?  
• I thought those Glacé cherries were made out of some kind of edible plastic. I now know they're REAL cherries. (I guess‽) 
• I was wrong about going to step class. For me, this is never a good idea.  Today, I accidentally kicked a girl in the head. 
• After listening to Mumford and Sons repeatedly on the way to and from Canada, I realised that the song 'Lion Man' could actually be about a lion-man hybrid. Most of the lyrics point to yes. 
• Duct tape is not called 'duck tape'. However, there is a brand of duct tape called 'Duck tape'. Well played.   
• I just want Alicia Keys (and Jay-Z, for that matter) to tell me what a wet dream tomato is. 
• The Who was not wondering what it was like to be Batman behind blue eyes. 
• I always thought mayonnaise was yucky.
• Wait. I got that right. Mayonnaise IS yucky.
• Since playing The Oregon Trail, I thought certain diseases sounded trivial. A typical conversation in the wagon would go like this: "Ma, I can't eat this stewed rabbit just this minute. Don't worry, I'll be done with my cholera soon." Cholera is actually quite bad.
• You are allowed to return the baby birds to the nests if you see them stranded. Don't worry, their mums will still like them. I've never seen a baby bird stranded though. Where are they at? 
• I have been looking for a substitute for Griffin's Gingernuts dunked in a milky cup of tea. I'm starting to worry that no substitute exists. 
• Getting drunk WILL give me a notorious hangover and I will be shit at work the next day or I just won't even be able to move for 12 hours. Life is NOT like it used to be when I was 16 and a milkshake and a slice of pizza would make me feel 110% again so I could continue being passive-aggressive with my parents and GO.  
• Sex in a Subaru doesn't count.
• Is it three or four musketeers? Did they even have muskets? To me it just sounds like they should be little mice. Who are armed. With muskets. Did they already make a sequel to Stewart Little? 
• Being in a plane adds at least one star to crappy movies, and it adds all five stars to RuPaul's Drag Race and Extreme Couponing. 
• Lending books is never just lending them. Imagine you are giving away free gifts, therefore you must realise that you will never see them again. 

Other things from me this week:

• It's time to start baking again. This week I will attempt a pumpkin pie because of this 'America' thing that I am doing right now. Maybe I'll do it with real pumpkin instead of the instant pumpkin that 'they' use. Do you know why? I'm not a cheater, that's why. (I hope you're not allergic to my pretentiousness. To be fair, I think I'm only 2% pretentious.) Also, next time you see me I will be the size of a house, because if you make the pie, you gotta eat the pie. 
• I learned about a new dinosaur. It's in my top five. 
• Playing Bingo with old people will also happen soon and I will most likely write a report on it. Old people are actually great. 
• We have Christmas lights up. It's not Christmas time yet but a) Bitchez need to see the things in their lounge, and b) Christmas lights are fun, as is Christmas. Speaking of which, I need to find a dashing Christmas jumper for the harsh Oregon winter. Ha. 
• You should probably watch this. Consider it your homework. 

Bye guys and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Liz Tritops