I Like Television

Quite some time ago I wrote about why I really love a show called Hoarders. To be honest, I have quite a soft spot for television that I know is crap, but it's the best kind bad television, so in my books, it's beaten the odds and it's actually good.
I have only just come to terms with admitting that I love some television that maybe I shouldn't. As an educated 23-year-old, I should be doing more productive things with my time. Maybe I should be reading Dostoyevsky, writing essays, or applying for real jobs. 

Generally crap television can only be categorised as 'worst' and 'best'. Don't give me any of that 'middle-ground' noise. Here goes:

The Worst Crap Television

• Ice Road Truckers. Every episode is the same and it is like this: "My name is Earl and I'm a trucker. 10-4. I'm tough because I drive the biggest truck AND I drive it in Alaska! I carry so much spool pipe today but it's okay because I have dose 'heavy load' signs. The weather might do something bad today and shit! Look! ICE! 10-100. Gotta eat me a burger." Repeat for six seasons. Six. Seasons. 
• Teen Mom
• Here Comes Honey Boo Boo 
• Anything about a real housewife from anywhere. They're just so...real. 
• MTV's Made
• Tool Academy
• Room Raiders
• Date My Mom
• The Next Bus

The Best Crap Television

• Hoarders. I already wrote about that. If you haven't read it, then here's the link. 
• Extreme Couponing. One of the main value points I find in this show is that it makes me hate couponing so much that I will never feel bad about not saving any coupons, even if the coupon is for something I really would buy. Which is not often. Because these coupons never seem to be for real food. 
• RuPaul's Drag Race. More 'personality' than you can shake a stick at. 
• My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Trying to understanding all the hypocrisies and intricacies of their religion/culture thang baffles me. Plus, the accents are so bad that they are almost good. 
• Amish in the City. This is why: My understanding is that Amish people are able to take 'a year off' to experience city life. I am under the impression that during this year they are can partake in any kind of debauchery that they care for. When this year comes to an end, they have to decide wether to return to their Amish village or never go back and be disowned by their family. Apparently TLC is starting a new show called Breaking Amish - similar to Amish in the City I believe. It might be good! 
• Airline (British version, bitch please). This is why: Travellers turn into monsters and they are great to watch. They are often tired and irrational and many of them have awful accents. Despite them being on the telly, sometimes their hair looks worse than mine. Liz: 1 Passangers: 0. 
• Addendum: They're flying with EasyJet. Liz: 1 Passangers: -1. 
• Both Flavor of Love and the popular spin-off I Love New York. I find it fascinating to watch a show where the main cast member and most of the contestants are disgusting, dysfunctional, and they're looking for  'love'. Highlight: When the contestants receive their nicknames. Priceless. Other highlight: Buckwild. Other highlight: When Somthin' shits on the floor. 
• Cops. It's a classic.
• Wife Swap. For me this is a great example of a show that finds families who are polar opposites and puts them together in an attempt to shake the apple tree. Mums be crazy. One of my favourite scenes is watching this poor girl try and hit rocks with a golf club. She is not allowed toys for some reason so she has to make her own fun. Sad, yet uplifting. She seems happy enough. Here's a video of crystal rock smashing.
• Brat Camp. These kids really don't know how to hike. At all. Some of them are actually quite witty. I used to watch it as a teenager when my parents were in the room in the hope that they would realise that I wasn't a complete shit like the kids from Brat Camp. 
• Beauty and the Geek. I think it's really nice when they become friends. I hope it's real. 
• Made in Chelsea - Could easily be compared to The Hills. Set in London; primarily Chelsea. Characters are sleek, and much more sophisticated than their American counterparts. They are genuinely hilarious and less back-stabby so I have yet to lose faith in the entire human race. MIC sometimes makes me feel a bit shit about myself though. They are all heirs to some kind of fortune (they seem to be entrepreneurs on the side though, and I think this is because they want to give off the impression that they are self-made), they have good genes and better jeans. Essentially, I want their lives. 

Some people would say that reality television makes you dumb. I think that sometimes you can learn things. Things I have learned from Made in Chelsea:

• If you are a girl you must have a Chloé bag, but it must be in a different colour to all your friends' Chloé bags. 
• I want a man who plays polo. Mostly so I have more opportunity to say the word 'polo', but when I do I can say it more like 'pouloow'.
• "Fake tan is probably the most offensive thing in the world."
• If I go out on a Tuesday night then I'm a 'sad weirdo'. Sunday night, however, is a more than acceptable date night. 
• A bi best friend is 'the cheap equivalent of the gay best friend.'
• "Roald Dahl didn't write Winnie the Pooh, darling."
• "Food? Chelsea girls don't eat!" 
• Every social situation must include either champagne or a cocktail. Regardless of the place or hour. 

The most perplexing moment in reality television for me has been trying to figure out if Bret Michaels has real hair. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• Do you know what I miss? Clouds that are shapes. Portland is either all grey sky or all blue sky. And I'm all thinking come on, sky! You're always the same! BE DIFFERENT. READY, GO!!! 
• Some animals like the Siberian salamander and a few kinds of frogs can survive being frozen for a long time! Maybe when I grow up, I wanna be an amphibian. 
• Watch this! It's the best. Fucking. Love. Sponges. 

I will write again this week.

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo