Adventures in Whole Foods

Going to Whole Foods involves spending all your money on organic, gluten free, free range, and vegan things.You love all the animals as much as you love your leather boots, and you smoke your American Spirits because you love your country.

You feel healthy just walking inside!

Here are some things that happen at Whole Foods:

- Sometimes you see 'half foods' and 'quarter foods' or foods which are cut into even smaller pieces. 
- Yoga Mums with yoga bums in yoga pants.
- Their three-year-olds smell like antioxidants and have distinctly smoother skin than the three-year-olds one would see at Walmart.
- There are many under-employed hipsters. Don't worry, they still have their trust funds!
- One time I went up to the mezzanine level of whole foods and was given a tasty smoothie which I think they sell for $37.50. Inside of smoothie was bananas, dates, soy milk, and peanut butter. It was amazing. You should make it for $2.50 at home. 
- All of the cashiers don't actually believe in time. I know this because every time I wait in line, the cashier doesn't have any sense of this thing called 'urgency'. Too high? Maybe. I feel strongly that the novel concept of 'urgency' should be used when there is a queue-type situation happening.  See, normal, non-hipster people actually have things to do at certain times, thus allowing the world to work with more efficiency. This is why conversations should end once payment for groceries has been made. I know putting things in paper bags can be tricksy. It's harder than Tetris. But if I could do it when I was 15, then the good sir who looks 32 AND has intelligence in his eyes should be able to figure it out. 
- I just wasted an hour playing Tetris because that's how easily I get distracted. 
- All of the girl cashiers wear bandanas as headbands, because they haven't realised that all of them are doing it yet.
- Buy a 'Make your own kombucha!' kit! It only takes 30 days to make!
- Wait. Don't buy one. By the time it ferments, kombucha will be OVER.
- One time I got served by a guy whose name I know but will not mention. He has those thick-framed glasses that he doesn't actually need. Also, I can't work out if he is really young or really old if youknowwhatimean. It makes me feel funny. When he checked my I.D. he made some comment about how awesome it is that I'm from New Zealand because it's obviously the closest thing to paradise and how I'm so worldly, and how all his colleagues are really dumb because he bets 'none of them even know who Julian Assange is, but they're still allowed to vote'! He proceeds to talk to me about Julian Assange for five minutes while packing my groceries as slowly as possible so that he can finish his rant. I was late to be important. 
- It's okay because he's attractive. 
- Let's also buy bottled water for our dogs. French Bulldogs do deserve the best. 

Now all I want to do is run away to go work in a communal farm in Hawaii. Yes! I have three months for that...

Nothing further.

Have a great day

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Liztips: Round II

I already wrote some Liztips. You can find them here. 


I thought of some more. 

• You CAN wear underwear for two days in a row. Just make sure you turn it inside out. 
• If you have turned on one of the elements on the stove but the thing you want to heat up hasn't heated up yet, you may have turned the wrong hot plate on. Waiting for 20 minutes and wondering why your water hasn't boiled won't help the situation. The little pictures by the dial on the stove are actually small maps of the stove top and indicate which dial corresponds to which hot plate. IT'S NOT THAT HARD, LIZ. 
• Let morons be morons. Simple yet effective. (I stole this from Rubbo. Hey Rubbo. I hope you don't mind.)
• If you go to bed drunk, don't take three bags of Cheez-Its and three bags of Fritos to bed because you will only eat one bag of Fritos. (I stole this from Reece. Hey Reece. I don't care if you do mind.)
• When out having fun at night time, cigarrettes and drinks cancel each other out.
• Also, when out having fun at night time, take as many photos of you and your friends as possible and post them on the book of faces the next day. You will look like you're having fun but you actually won't be having fun because you're too busy taking photos.
• If you are a hipster, scarves will make you both warm in the winter AND cool in the summer. MAGIC. 
• If you want to really piss someone off, simply lie about the time. 
• Don't go to Starbucks.
• If you spell 'definitely' wrong and you spell-check it to 'defiantly', don't worry. Defiantly is a stronger version of definitely. Obviously. 
• Socks come in sets of two for a reason. They're meant to be together. Wear socks like a pro. 
• You can never eat too much cheese. Unless you don't like cheese. Then, you're weird. 
• This is about to turn the culinary world upside-down. Here goes! It is best to use a hand-held cake mixer to smash potatoes and to use a potato smasher to mix cake. 
• If you get given a ridiculous but awesome dinosaur hat for your birthday, you must wear it out to dinner. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• It's actually okay to like that Follow Me song by Uncle Kracker. 
• Do you think birds take naps like people do? 
• Imagine if this really existed!
• I turned 23 today. BLARG. 
• A group of monks is called a 'party'. LOL
• WATCH THIS! I MEAN IT!

That's all.

Have a great week. 

BYE!

Liz Tritops

xoxo