I Have Three Talents And You Do Too!

A friend of mine called Meg taught me that everyone has three talents. I told her she was wrong. She loves it when I get all argue-y.

Then I thought about it.

I am average-to-good at some things. Like economics. And dinosaurs. And lighting fires. And baking. And making charts which not only chart things, but also flow things. I think they call them 'flowcharts'.

I am average-to-bad at some things. Like talking on the phone. And playing Risk. Coz I hate losing, I avoid playing Risk at all costs. It ruins friendships. You make an alliance, and then someone screws you over and attacks Kamchatka and that's a funny word. If winter is approaching, you know not to attack the Ukraine coz shit's too cold. YOUR TANKS WILL FREEZE!!!

I am real shit at other things. Like drawing. I could draw better when I was 4. I also can't put up tents. I also can't walk in heels.

With a little more thought, I realised that there are 3 things that I am ridiculously awesome at:

1. Sleeping on my face.

2. Holding my breath.

3. Cutting my food with fork.

Re: Sleeping on my face

For the last six years, I have been sleeping on my face. People tell me I look like I am dead. I just kind of lie on my tummy with my legs splayed out and my forehead resting under my arm and my face IN my pillow. Why am I alive?

Re: Holding my breath

This could be a direct result of numero uno. I can seriously hold my breath for a fucking long time. Through the Lyttelton Tunnel (1945m). Over the Rakaia Bridge (no idea how long that guy is). This one time, I held my breath under water for 2 minutes and 56 seconds! When I used to be in finance lectures and I was bored as hell I would hold my breath for a minute, then I rest for another, then I hold for another minute...so on and so on...and then class is over, and I may or may not have improved one of my talents!

Re: Cutting my food with fork

I think this stems from a general retardation of myself. I have no fork-mouth co-ordination on my left side. The contents of my fork will fall to my plate or I will stab my cheek. Then it's all over. With the realisation of this, I thought it was time to cut my losses. I ditched the knife, and proceeded to eat one-handed. I can now cut anything with a fork. Seriously. Try me.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? WHY AM I YELLING AT YOU??? Some good has to come out of this. What is the point in having these three amazing talents, just to have them go to waste? The only thing I can come up with is that if the world suddenly ran outa oxygen, and we could only eat with forks, and only sleep on our faces, it would be survival of the fittest and I would WIN. And then I would breed with someone and we would make a Super Race! That is all.

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I would kind of like a koi pond. Not because I really want a koi pond, but more because I want to be able to say I have a koi pond. Say it. 'Koi pond'. It sounds fun. Say it again. I dare you!!! Koi pond! Koi pond! Koi pond! 
• The smell of lavender is just...so....meh? You know? I'm so indifferent. 
• I have this thing where I like to wear my socks. Without shoes. Then I get holes in all my socks. And it doesn't even matter that I'm all good at wearing matchy-matchy socks with fun patterns like stripes and dots on them (the ones with stripes make me go faster!) because they look like shit. Then people tell me I have holes in my socks and they look at me like on a scale of one to orphan I'm, like, an 8. Maybe even an 8.5. NO, I'M NOT AN ORPHAN! MY PARENTS ARE ALIVE BUT I'M TOO OLD FOR THEM TO BUY ME NEW SOCKS EVERY TWO WEEKS! 
• Watch this! It's from 1995!

I like you all.

Liz Tritops

xoxo