These Things Don't Exist

Some people love conspiracy theories and believe all kinds of noise like that the moon landing didn't happen and hey, while we are at it, neither did 9/11. Now, I am neither a rocket scientist nor a demolitions expert so I feel uninformed to start a fight. If you try and tell me with 100% certainty that the moon landing didn't happen, for shizzle, then I'm gonna be all like how the fuck do you know?  You're not a rocket scientist and neither am I, and you're probably going to get a bit of a slap.  Let's talk about big cats because they definitely exist and they're okay in my books. 

Having said that, there are some things out there which I think are fabricated. 

Here's my list of things that don't actually exist: 

• Arabian Days. It just went from night to night because why else would they make so many stories?
• The hour between 10pm and 11pm. So I'm all like I have a bedtime and it should be somewhere between 10pm and 11pm so I can continue to be a normal human-being where I sleep at night-time and am active during the day. (I would love to be crepuscular, but one time I tried that and it was quite weird. More on that another day). So I'm all: BITCHEZ NEED SLEEP. It's 9.59pm and time to maybe start thinking about this 'bed' thing and I know that in a mere one minute it will be 11pm. This is because somewhere between watching the end of an episode of Community and brushing my teeth and making one more cup of tea and laughing a little bit with my flatmate (maybe about portmanteaus or boyz?) and sitting on the edge of my couch with my knees all tucked up into myself because it's warm and for some reason I'm wearing god-awful-yet-awesome velvet pants which I literally just want to touch and right now I don't know what a comma is. I mean, I'm fucking comfortable, and despite knowing my bed will be more comfortable, you just try telling me that right now. Suddenly, it's well passed 11pm that hour actually didn't exist. 
• Legitimate inspiration for the song 'Holla back girl'. This shit is bananas. B A N A N A S. Fuck yes. 
• A bad time to drink tea. Every time of the day is tea time.  
• Stupid Germans. Logically, they should exist. But you haven't ever met one, have you? Didn't think so...
• Good dubstep must be the best oxymoron.
• Apparently there's a swimming stroke that goes by the name 'butterfly'. For one, butterflies fly, they don't swim, so it's a bit fucked. Just like how people believe that the moon landing was a kinda expensive movie made for a television audience obsessed with being better than the commies, I think this so-called swim stroke was made up for an Olympic television audience obsessed with seeing swimmers do something that was impossible, looks funny, and is quite inefficient. 
• Me coming up with a succinct and honest answer to the question 'so...what kind of music do you like?' The kind of music I like is lots of things, but more than anything I like it when you don't ask me that. It's a 'me' problem and not a 'you' problem. I guess I just haven't figured out a way to explain to people that I like reggaeton and Matchbox Twenty and Westlife without people thinking I am a musical shithead. But I like other music too! 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I love Christmas and Home Alone so much that I just listened to all the music from that movie, including the song that goes: 'diing ding ding diing baa ba ba baa, and then 'laa da da da laa da da da'. You know the one. I pretty much feel like setting booby traps NOW so my home doesn't get broken into. Then I remember that home is where the heart is and I don't really have a heart so it's all good. Kidding. To be real, once I finally acquire a Christmas sweater, no one can touch my shit because I will be so freaking contagiously wholesome. That's a rule. 
• I'm a little bit tipsy so I'm sorry if this is shit for you to read. 
• Wouldn't it be cool if you had a mask you put on when it was sunny and the mask was a Batman mask, and then you got tanned so you had a Batman tan lines. Then, not only do you look like you could be Batman, but you also look like you know how to holiday. 
• You actually must watch this. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. But mostly happy! 

Okay I have to go now

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I'm a Smart Girl, but I'm not Always Right

Sometimes I am wrong. I made a list of things I thought I knew. This was way back when Pluto was still a planet and everyone agreed that the Triceratops was a proper dinosaur. 

• I thought I was invincible at Cluedo. One day, I lost, and I haven't played since. This is not just because it's not everyday that you get offered the chance to participate in the second best board game, but also I'm scared because I don't know exactly who I am anymore. I thought I could figure out all the clues, dammit. Half the time, it's that bitch Mrs. White. 
• A flying fox is not just a freaking awesome piece of playground, but also an animal. You can even call them megabats if you want. Isn't that great? LOOK AT THE PICTURE!
• I have this theory about fruit that I may have told you before. If the effort involved in  eating a particular piece of fruit outweighs the deliciousness of eating it, then it's a no-go. Think sticky hands. Think juice going everywhere. Think rind under fingernails. Think seeds and pips in teeth. Think where the blimin' heck do I put the skin? I've seen enough Vaudville to both appreciate the potential slapstick value in the banana skin but also realise the danger. As an economics student who loves cost and benefit and all those nerdy things, I contemplated my theory for quite some time. Many graphs and equations were made. Well, not really. That being said, I honestly thought that the humble grapefruit was dead to me. Then, I discovered the GRAPEFRUIT SPOON! Great invention, guys. It's like the superhero of the utensil world. Hell, why can't these spoons be wearing capes?  
• I thought those Glacé cherries were made out of some kind of edible plastic. I now know they're REAL cherries. (I guess‽) 
• I was wrong about going to step class. For me, this is never a good idea.  Today, I accidentally kicked a girl in the head. 
• After listening to Mumford and Sons repeatedly on the way to and from Canada, I realised that the song 'Lion Man' could actually be about a lion-man hybrid. Most of the lyrics point to yes. 
• Duct tape is not called 'duck tape'. However, there is a brand of duct tape called 'Duck tape'. Well played.   
• I just want Alicia Keys (and Jay-Z, for that matter) to tell me what a wet dream tomato is. 
• The Who was not wondering what it was like to be Batman behind blue eyes. 
• I always thought mayonnaise was yucky.
• Wait. I got that right. Mayonnaise IS yucky.
• Since playing The Oregon Trail, I thought certain diseases sounded trivial. A typical conversation in the wagon would go like this: "Ma, I can't eat this stewed rabbit just this minute. Don't worry, I'll be done with my cholera soon." Cholera is actually quite bad.
• You are allowed to return the baby birds to the nests if you see them stranded. Don't worry, their mums will still like them. I've never seen a baby bird stranded though. Where are they at? 
• I have been looking for a substitute for Griffin's Gingernuts dunked in a milky cup of tea. I'm starting to worry that no substitute exists. 
• Getting drunk WILL give me a notorious hangover and I will be shit at work the next day or I just won't even be able to move for 12 hours. Life is NOT like it used to be when I was 16 and a milkshake and a slice of pizza would make me feel 110% again so I could continue being passive-aggressive with my parents and GO.  
• Sex in a Subaru doesn't count.
• Is it three or four musketeers? Did they even have muskets? To me it just sounds like they should be little mice. Who are armed. With muskets. Did they already make a sequel to Stewart Little? 
• Being in a plane adds at least one star to crappy movies, and it adds all five stars to RuPaul's Drag Race and Extreme Couponing. 
• Lending books is never just lending them. Imagine you are giving away free gifts, therefore you must realise that you will never see them again. 

Other things from me this week:

• It's time to start baking again. This week I will attempt a pumpkin pie because of this 'America' thing that I am doing right now. Maybe I'll do it with real pumpkin instead of the instant pumpkin that 'they' use. Do you know why? I'm not a cheater, that's why. (I hope you're not allergic to my pretentiousness. To be fair, I think I'm only 2% pretentious.) Also, next time you see me I will be the size of a house, because if you make the pie, you gotta eat the pie. 
• I learned about a new dinosaur. It's in my top five. 
• Playing Bingo with old people will also happen soon and I will most likely write a report on it. Old people are actually great. 
• We have Christmas lights up. It's not Christmas time yet but a) Bitchez need to see the things in their lounge, and b) Christmas lights are fun, as is Christmas. Speaking of which, I need to find a dashing Christmas jumper for the harsh Oregon winter. Ha. 
• You should probably watch this. Consider it your homework. 

Bye guys and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Liz Tritops

I Made a Flowchart About Hybrid Animals

Sometimes I get a sharp pang of jealousy when I find out that people I know have their lives more sorted than me. 
'Sorted' may or may not mean:
- They are dressed more nicely and being more thin.
- They are buying blenders and their first mattresses which were not the second cheapest in the store.
- They may also be buying Christmas ornaments and blenders, because they know where they live, AND they have prettier Christmases than me, and make nicer smoothies than me.  
- They have long post-class conversations with their yoga teacher, whose name is either Winter or Ginseng.
- They have a new puppy, or their boyfriend has a new puppy. Maybe even both? The puppies play together. 

In these moments of jealousy, I feel like it's high time I did something to arrange a job where:
- I get to wear power heels, but it's okay because I magically, overnight, learned how to walk like a godess in them. 
- I go to Monday morning meetings, and I LIKE THEM because...
- I have a mimosa before my Monday morning meetings. I know you're thinking 'but Liz, mimosas are for Sunday brunch, not Monday morning!' Wait! I love my job so much that Monday morning is to be celebrated, dammit!
- Mimosa is prepared by boyfriend with new puppy. Soon, puppy will be trained to make mimosa so I can stay in bed with boyfriend. 
- Don't worry, I already secretly ran 10k. 
- Monday morning meeting has everything catered by high-end catering company, so I can have mini croissants if I want to, but I don't even eat those! The main reason is so I can judge the girls who DO eat the mini croissants. Do I judge the men who eat them? Of course not. That would be absurd.
- There are numerous opportunities for promotion. I can earn promotion by A) Blowing the boss. B) Working my arse off. C). Just by being so charming that everyone loves me and wants me at ALL the important meetings and business trips because I make them laugh AND maybe I can be pretty too? 
- I have the freedom to choose either B), or C). Maybe A) in desperate times!

Sometimes, I wish I knew where this job was.

Other times, I would rather just play and take trips in planes and make flowcharts. 

Here is a flowchart which I made yesterday. It is about hybrid animals. I hope you like it!

(I am still a little shit with computers. It's kind of small.) 

Have a good weekend!

Loveyoubye

xoxo

Liz Tritops