Things I DO NOT Have a Boner For

I often write lists.


Here is a list of things I do not have a boner for.

• Sequins or anything with sequins on it. 
• Having a job which involves me wearing a name tag.
• Starbucks. No I don't want a frappafuckalattemochacuntachino with whipshit. If I buy it from you, it will taste like $10 bum. And why the frick do they make their smallest size a 'tall'? HELLO, IT'S ALL RELATIVE!
• Having a hangover when I really wasn't drunk enough to deserve one. 
• Futurama. I don't know why it's still around. When it first came out I was all 'Oh hai, Futurama! You're gonna be really cool and funny and other things because you're created by Matt Groening so that's ok'. However, you have never made me LOL. Also, you're silly because you're science fiction.
• Science fiction.
• Chinese takeaways.
• Playing Guess Who. I'm no raging, hairy, man-hating feminist, but there's only five women. I also love to hate the disclaimer line on the ad which says 'cards don't actually talk'. It's probably a good thing that they don't though, since 80% of them look like pedophiles. 
• The weird stringy stuff which comes off bananas.
• Eating big round things. Example: Donuts. Good work on the hole; points for being fun. But the idea that no one part of the item should be eaten before another concerns me. Where are you supposed to start eating! IT'S TOO CIRCULAR. Conclusion: Do not eat. 
• Comic Sans. Last year one of my lecturers wrote all his slides in Comic Sans and it made me feel like I was in the Kidz Korner. Come on buddy, there's nothing comical about development economics. Also, go back to the 90s. It would have made me happier if he wrote in Wingdings. 
• Sneans. Jeakers. Whatever you call 'em, don't do it.
• Rice risotto. Oh hai sludge. 
• Taking the bus because I'm a snob and I'm not as poor or as smelly or as weird or as old or as school-aged as the people who do. 
• Birds.
• Those ridiculous earthy hippy 'philosophies' which are supposed to mean something but are just a pile of shite. Take these: 'Poverty is the greatest gift you can give a person. It is only then that they will have a choice to either become valuable or die as a quitter.' Or 'If a baby can smile living off only breast milk and a mother's love, you can smile too'. Personally, I prefer this: 'When it's raining inside, you're fucked'. 
• Adam Sandler.
• When it's sunny but raining. WADUP Dunedin.
• When mint and chocolate get mixed together and it's always gross.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Noah's Ark would have actually been massive. Logistical nightmare eh. 
• I watched My Big Fat Gypsie Wedding the other day. Excellent show. Anyway, at the wedding the they had an owl carry the rings. What the shit INTERROBANG I want this even though it's HarryPotterWeird. 
• Cheese should ALWAYS be perfectly tessellated when the assembler is assembling the sub at subway. 
• I quite like German words in English, like Über (cool umlaut!), muesli, wunderbar, and foosball. They sound fun.  
• Watch this! 

Bye bye and thank you for reading. 

With love

Liz Tritops