I Think Some Things Are Overrated

When people say they like sitting by the fire in the winter with a warm mug of cocoa, I get it. When they say they enjoy the thrill and excitement of packing to go somewhere new, I get it. And when they say they are rather fond of watching old movies on Christmas day-arvo, I also get it. 


There are a few things that most people seem to be crazy about and when I say I don't like any of these things, people look at me like I just killed their puppy. On purpose.


Here are some things that I just don't think are that great. I guess you could say I think that they're overrated. 


Ze list of overrated thangs: 

• Teaching children the noises that animals make. It's not really that important. BAAAA. MOOOOOO. WOOOOF! This shit ain't even concrete. In Greek, big birds go 'kra kra'. In Japanese, cats go 'nyan'. In French, pigs go 'groin groin'. That shit is cray cray. 
• Having a lawn (unless you have a Mexican to manicure it, right?)
• Oasis. They were never any good. Just popular. Look back in anger. (See what I did there‽)
• Shopping with your grlfrendz. I think in theory this is supposed to be a brilliant idea. You go shopping together because you all need to get something which will make you look HOT for this awesome party you are all going to and everyone is going to be there!! You must make your tits and arse look amazing and then guys can bother you and you can pretend you don't want their attention even though YOU MADE THIS HAPPEN!  I feel like mostly when girls go shopping together it becomes complicated and they all say everything looks great and they're probably lying and really, you're better-off going shopping by yourself, and if you like it, you should just buy it! Questions are asked in self-deprecating ways, such as 'this makes my stomach look fat, doesn't it?' and of corse all the ladiez have to say obviously it doesn't and you look SXY. Everyone gets distracted and buys a million things and then you need to buy all the things to keep up with your girlfrendz and then you need a coffee and then everyone wants to get food so you should also eat a $15 panini which will mean what you just brought won't fit good anymore and you just wasted $15 on a fucking panini and why the hell are you at a mall anyway? Malls make me want to vomit. 
• Sex that lasts a really long time. FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP I'm bored FLAP FLAP I wonder what's on the tele BANG BANG BANG my vagina is getting sore now FLAP FLAP FLAP then I go 'are you gonna come yet?' FLAP FLAP FLAP so he's all 'I want you to come first, baaaabe'  FLAP BANG FLAP BANG...oh hell. 
• Bacon. For me, it's kind of like chewy, salty fat. 
• Being 15. What even happend? NOTHING HAPPENED. 
• That movie WALL-E. EVERYONE LOVED IT SO MUCH. I swear for the first 30 minutes there was no dialogue except WALL-E and EVE saying each others' names in really annoying voices. I feel like I'm missing a part of my brain which everyone else has, and it somehow enabled them to appreciate this movie. It was too optimistic. It was too silent. It was too annoying. 
• Lists. Kidding.
• 'Raising awareness.'
• Celebrity chefs. Maybe next we get to see celebrity brick layers (WHADUP nice arms). 
• Toilets which flush automatically and the toilet paper comes out because there is a sensor and the door also opens by sensors. They often have these so called 'electronic toilets' in New Zealand. Usually they are in small towns which you pass through to get somewhere more exciting. I guess they put them in tiny places show everyone that they're looking into the future and they're revolutionary coz they have a flash electronic toilet! BUT WAIT....they still have dial-up internetz. Whenever I went into those toilets I would freak out because I thought that the sensors might break then I would be stuck in there forever. 
• Iced tea. Ew. Tea should be hot and comforting. If you call it 'sun tea', I might forgive you for drinking it. 
• Nutella. It's kinda gross. And kinda paste-y. 
• New Years Eve. Everyone talks about it like it's going to be an epic night but I never go away camping to listen to copious amounts of live music and take heaps of fun drugs or anything like that because I have a lame life and I like to work a lot. So all I really end up doing is getting drunk like any other night when I get drunk but people still think it's gonna be AWESOME and it's really not. Plus I think resolutions are for dummies. If you wanna change something about your life, change it today! YOLO!
• Pedicures. If you play any fun sport or do any kind of running or walking on the beach then what the fuck is the point? Pay $100 for someone to play with my feet‽ Hell to the no!!! I'd rather pay $100 to have someone NOT touch my feet. 
• Chinese food. More like Chinese pile-of-weird-meat-and-grease! 
• Getting hiiiigh. I want to achieve EVERYTHING! 

Important note: If you combine getting high with some of the other things on this list then they may get okay. Example: Getting high and eating Chinese food. Or getting high and watching WALL-E. Or getting high and teaching children what noises animals make. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I saw a man at the pet shop the other day who was buying bags full of insects for his snakes to eat and he had snake tattoos on his arms and I thought he was weird because I've never seen anyone who is obsessed with snakes before. 
• If you want to confuse people, give partial compliments. Example: "Your top row of teeth is looking lovely today."
• Desert horned lizards can squirt blood from their eyes. 
• This girl doesn't even know how to write, but she's great. WATCH THIS!

OK I'M DONE NOW. 

Bye. Thanks for reading.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

My 100 Favorite Things - Part V

I know I reached 100, but I thought of some more things which I really, really like! There are so many awesome things! 
You can find my other favourite things by clicking these links:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV


Here is the fifth installment: 

1. When people carry children on their back becuase they live in the Andes AND it's practical. The cloths are called aguayos and I like them a lot. LOOK! When I was in Bolivia I often wondered at what age it was acceptable to still be carried. Remember when you were a child and you would pretend you were too little and weak to walk but really you were just being a lazy shithead? Same goes for the kids in these cloths. One time, I swear I saw a kid who was pushing seven years. Poor mum. 
2. Mochi icecream. I can't believe I only discovered mochi this year. That means that I have 22 years of mochi icecream-eating to catch up on. 
3. A cappella, but only when men do it. (In 1913, some suffragette living in some place, threw herself under the King's horse. You may have thought this was me. Hint: It wasn't me.)
4. The smell of tent. You might think it's kinda gross because I guess it smells like stale AND damp at the same time, but to me it smells more like memories and happiness and freedom.
5. City lights at night. Especially when there is water. Then you get city lights, water, and city lights coming off the water!
6. Little dogs who aren't of the rat variety and have the attitude of big dogs. 
7. When it's dark outside but it actually isn't, because there is snow on the ground!
8. Believing that Audrey Hepburn invented breakfast. Thanks, babe.
9. Tiny sombreros.
10. Animals wearing tiny sombreros. Here's a hedgehog/furzepig! Here's a thing! Maybe it's a bear‽
11. Sleeping on my face with my limbs flayed everywhere. Is 'flayed' the right word? (Don't tell me to Google that shit. I'm not on my laptop.)
12. Flirty baristas. HELLO! I didn't just come into this cafe to get a 2% capp and a platonic experience.
13. Power ballads. All of us need an emotive chorus from time to time. Don't fight it!
14. Doing a thing that your family did that you keep on doing even though there's no reason behind it and you don't even live with them anymore. SUNDAY NIGHT ICECREAM!
15. The colour of honey when sunlight shines through it. 
16. Sticking your middle finger up to the weather by eating icecream when it's cold and drinking coffee when it's hot. (I feel like I talk about icecream A LOT. Whatever. I like icecream. YOLO, bitchez!)
17. Milkmen and how they used to deliver milk in glass bottles based on how many glass bottles you left out. I guess they got rid of this system because it was inefficient. For once, I say fuck efficiency. I want nostalgia and regular visits from someone just like Tevye. 
18. Going to a new city/town that's just a little bit shit and realising that you're thankful that home is home.
19. When you find things that look like dinosaurs. This one time I saw a chicken fillet thing that looked more like a velociraptor than a chicken fillet thing and it made my life complete. 
20. Santa when he's not white. Asian santa. Black santa. Latino santa. Latino santa looks like a creeper. 
21. Finding some food which has gone bad and deciding to keep it as a science experiment and NOT getting sick by all the spores which are taking over the whole apartment. (Apparently apple butter is supposed to go in the fridge. No big loss. LET'S SEE HOW WEIRD IT CAN GET!)
22. Pretending you're a tortoise when you're having beers, because in tortoise years, you've only had four!
23. When you're carrying something dangerous in your bag like a banana or yoghurt or some juicy food in a flimsy container and it doesn't leak/explode over all your school books or your sweater and ruin your life. 
24. Telling people the answers to yes/no questions in binary.
25. Seeing people run to catch the bus because it isn't you!

I hope you liked my list of things and that you had a great day.

Will blog again sooooon yay!

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Why Hoarders is the BEST Show

I know when I'm watching bad television. One of the great things about Hoarders is that, even though it's rubbish, I still feel really good about myself because my life is better than the lives of the people who are on the show. 


Here are some reasons why I think Hoarders is the GREATEST:

• Some people keep chainsaws in their kitchen cupboards. 
• This lady's all like: "Be careful with my collection of garden magazines from 1957". Said collection has literally been lying under rat shit. 
• Sometimes the background music sounds like the music off Home Alone when Kevin is boobytrapping the house. 
• Many of the hoarders invariably fail at sorting their things out. As Wes Anderson taught us, failure is always more interesting than success. At the end of the show, sometimes it will tell you something like "Child Protective Services decided that Wendy is still a malicious hoarder and she cannot have her children back. Wendy had a heart attack under a pile of newly acquired boxes six weeks ago." Then I think, what the fuck did I just spend an hour watching? I like that it's real. So real. 
• Sometimes there are cute husbands who haven't divorced their hoarder wives yet because they really love them. 'Til death and all that. 
• Sad is refreshing. I was watching this special on animal hoarders, and there was this old lesbian couple who decided it was their mission to save all the animals of the world. Maybe like Noah's Ark but without the ark, and without Noah. In turn, they had so many animals that they couldn't look after any of them and they were all starving and manky and barky. 
• Here is a tag line for one of the episodes: 'Every room in Phyllis' house is packed with dolls. Her obsession has manifested itself into a floor to ceiling collection of bags stuffed with dolls, and a doll hospital in a spare bedroom where she "amputates" the limbs.' HOW COULD YOU NOT WATCH THAT?

Here are some quotes and pictures if you wanna see!!

From someone, in some episode: "She prefers to be alone. I think the collecting of things is kind of... her people." 
BUY A GRAMMAR! 


Look! This slipper was half-eaten by a rat! Why do you have it‽‽‽

The guys who work on the clean-up team are hilarious. In one episode, Kerrylea was crying because there was a missing piece of a broken tile which she needed to glue the tile back together. This is Kerrylea: 

She kinda sucks at life. Also, her name is Kerrylea.


One of the clean-up boys was all like: "We probably just threw out the piece of tile because...um...it was a broken piece of tile." Just by looking at his face you know he's thinking 'I wanna through out all this junk and get the eff out of here I hate my life.' 

Scandals like this happen: 

SCANDAL! DISASTROUS!
No, you can't press play. It's just a silly screenshot.  


"My name is Gary and I'm unemployed. Yeah, I got too many bunnies."
Also from Gary: "I've never done nothing wrong in my life. Misdemeanors, yeah, that's growing up and stuff like that. What did I do wrong? I have bunnies. That's what I did wrong."


"Peanut butter jars are NOT construction supplies!" - A daughter to her father. 


Check out this lady:

She was already a hoarder. Then she decides that she's going to get some crystals to help with her hoarding. Nek minnit, she is hoarding crystals. Oh the irony. 


I hope you appreciate all the research which has gone into this show. Primarily, this entailed watching Hoarders for hours. 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• Last night I had a dream where I went to the doctor's and they gave me breast implants. (I don't know who 'they' were.) I woke up and had to make sure I didn't have too much boob because I didn't know if I was dreaming. In the dream my nipples were in funny places. It was bizarre.
• My flatmate brought toast cutter that makes a piece of toast into two dinosaurs! I LOVE HER! Not only does it dinosaur, it also multiplies! (I just made dinosaur into a verb. That happened.)
• I'm going to run in a half marathon soon. Then a full marathon. I will turn awesome! I'm also going to be one of those annoying people who will want to show people my toned thighs and tell them how I love to leave parties early and get up at 5am to run for two hours when it's pissing down with rain. I know THEY WON'T GET IT! 
• Watch this! It's from Pokemon. 

I gotta go. 


I will write again sooooon.


Liz Tritops


xoxo

I Made A Slideshow Thingy

I decided to be an eight year old and make a Powerpoint presentation. This could be the worst thing you ever read.

New high or new low?

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I want there to be a really good way to drink coffee in the shower. Stroke two birds with one stick!
• I think it would be awesome to keep a fox as a pet. LOOK AT THESE LITTLE GUYS!  Just kidding. That's a Pokemon. Apparently real foxes freak out at people and salivate everywhere, shit themselves, and die. 
• Those 'Prove You're Not A Robot' computer scrambled word code thingies confuse me. Sometimes I can't read them, and then I wonder if I'm really a robot. Do you get that too?
• WATCH THIS!

That's all I got right now.

Ok bye.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Liztips: Round III

Here are some more tips from me that will improve your life!


For the first two rounds of Liztips, click here and here. 

• When writing a To-Do List, always write some things which you have already done so you have things to cross-off. NEVER FAIL! 
• Always do your laundry before you pack. Otherwise you have to unpack your packing, and launder your laundry, then re-pack. FUCK.
• When you buy birthday presents for people, always buy something for yourself, because if they can have something nice, then so can you! uR w0rTh iT, GuRL xoxo
• Drink whiquila. Whisky and tequila is the perfect mixture of angry and horny. You should shot it to Eye of the Tiger, or maybe Blaze of Glory or something similar. 
• Never live somewhere where you can't pee freely in your own backyard. (Sean's dad told Sean. Then Sean told me!)
• Whenever you're home alone, eat mac 'n' cheese with a glass of milk. If it worked for Kevin McCallister, it will work for you. 
• Never buy apples in bulk bags of 52. They're small, shitty, and the bag is like a bruise machine. 
• Salt is not the opposite of sugar. Nor is sugar the opposite of salt. 
• Don't have two beers and then sit on the bus for an hour. Your bladder is not that big.
• Listen to Nickelback just so you know that you should never listen to Nickelback. 
• Potato on pizza = Better than expected. 
• Call things by old names like 'worsted' and 'haberdashery' and 'nightertale' then people might think you're from the late middle ages (or even that you're an alien!). This is always a fun game. 
• Hate Florida until it gives you a reason to like it. 
• Hate mowing the lawn until it gives you a reason to like it.
• Be skinny because society tells you to. And....go!

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Do leprechauns make leprechaun-sized shoes or people-sized shoes? Don't go try telling me leprechauns don't exist. 
• Kine is the plural of cow‽‽
• Flo Rida is from Florida. See what he did there? 
• The next post will be in the form of Power Point Presentation. WOOOOOP!!!
• Shortbread is from the 12th century. Why the fuck are we still eating it? Bleck.
• WATCH THIS NOW PLEASE

The internetz is funny. Look:

While it says 'Resolved Question', there was no suitable answer at all. Hmm.

Gotta go. It's Saturday night and I'm obviously doing exciting things.

Laterzzzzz

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Used To Be A Little Person

I had a childhood. I'm probably still in my childhood. Sometimes I think, why should I be a grownup when it's better to be a growndown?


Here are a few of the reasons why I am who I am today:

• My father built a big fort for my two brothers and I to play on in our backyard. It was a balmy spring day (maybe?) and the chickens were running around in the garden (maybe?) and the smell of juniper ignited in the air (not. I don't even know what juniper smells like, and it probably doesn't 'ignite'. Whatever. I have artistic license.) We were playing pirates on the fort. We had a cat named Flossy, and since she was a cat, and all pirate ships have cats, we MUST include her in our game. Cat went aboard. It was afternoon tea time, and we didn't want Flossy to run away (that bitch would) and there was a handy rope which was hanging from the side of the fort. So we tied her to it. By the neck. Cats aren't that smart sometimes, so she jumped. Well. FUCK.
• One of the best things about being a little person was the consistant encouragement to play with crayons, paint, and Oobleck. Most kids create with reckless abandon. I struggled to paint the most basic of pictures. I would paint rows of dots instead of real pictures. No one ever told me that this was stupid, so I still don't know how to draw.  

• I had a friend when I was six and his name was Stephen. He was a little shit. One day, he said to me 'let's burn the school down'. I thought it would be a great idea to say yes, even though I secretly liked school when he, nonsecretly, hated it. So I brought a packet of matches to school the next day (I had no idea how to light fires). During play-time, Stephen told me he was going to tell our teacher that she was 'in for a big surprise', i.e. devestating, school destroying, people killing, arson. Instead, he went and told her I had matches and I wanted to burn the school down. Then I got in trouble, but not heaps of trouble...I had just never really been in trouble before so I thought it was a massive amount of trouble when really, it wasn't. Then I went home and cried and was given banana, brown sugar, and cinnamon on toast and that's how my food issues started. LOL kidding. At least I never tried my hand at arson again.
• I was three and I found a crayon. I decided the crayon should go up my nose. I put it there and it got stuck. My parents found it one day because they could smell it rotting.
• One day, my mum packed us honey sandwiches for lunch. Well...she thought they had honey in them. Mother had put some lard from cooking a chicken or something into a creamed honey container and had given us fat sandwiches. Cool, mum, real cool.
• I never had a tamagotchi. Well, not the standard ones. You know the ones that are babies, cats, or dogs and they poo and you have to feed them every ten minutes or they die...yeah. Not those ones. I had a saucer man instead. Does anyone out there know WTF I'm talking about? It was a little alien dude that you had to look after, and the tagline was 'An Intergalactic Quest to Save His Species'. You got to play space-themed games and make sure his ship was maintained. It was weird. It looked a little bit like the thing I just drew, featured below the thing I just wrote. 
  I love how there's a little key chain thingy. I guess it's so you can attach the Saucer Man to your cargo pants and take it everywhere with you. Or maybe it's for all the keys that you carry around as an eight year old. Also, eyes do no look like eyes because there's a damn screen in the way. The screen is where you can see the actual alien, which is weird because it's like an alien inside an alien. 

• The Game of Life was probably the most educating board game of my childhood. Pretty much, if you get the best salary, you will win, regardless of your house and your wife (she's in the kitchen I guess) and all the other things. Monopoly was great and probably the most realistic (it teaches us that capitalism is awesome, right?) but it got a little tiring winning all the time. Hint: Orange streets.
• Slowly but surely, I learned that if you eat too much at Christmas time, you won't be hungry until Boxing Day dinner. BUT YOU HAVE TO EAT ALL THE LEFTOVERS IN THE FRIDGE ASAP!!!  First world problem?
• Robbers are so much more scary than monsters under the bed, because robbers exist and monsters don't. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Fridges great. They keep things cold. FOR TWENTY YEARS. ALL THE TIME. 
• I feel like baristas fit into three categories. 1)   Flirty       2)    Platonic      3)   Wants to be flirty, but is just platonic.      Please prove me wrong. 
• People often say shit like 'you're gonna love it!' about specific things to me and then I automatically want to hate whatever 'it' is, just to prove them wrong. Especially if they just met me so how the hell do they even know what I like? Example: 'OMG Liz, I just saw Grown Ups. You're gonna love it. It's soooooo funny I LOVE ADAM SANDLER SO I BET YOU LOVE HIM TOO LOL.' Go die in the face. 
• WATCH THIS!

OK I'M DONE NOW.

I hoped you enjoyed reading.

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Want a Furze-Pig

Hedgehogs in New Zealand are a little manky and brown and diseased and boring. In Oregon, you can keep them as pet and they come in all kinds of colours. My roommate decided that she wants a pet hedgehog. Here's why I am on the same page:

• They are quite small.
• We don't have to walk it everyday, but if we wanted to we could, because this is Portlandia.
• They are lactards which is great because it means more milk for me! You know how I feel about milk.
• This one time I saw a hedgehog doing circles in the middle of the road back home. It had a yoghurt pottle stuck on it's head and it was gonna die for sure because it couldn't see anything. Yeh. I saved it's life. I SAVED A HEDGEHOG. Now I must save all the hedgehogs. This could potentially turn into a bad episode of animal hoarders, you know the show which is always about some old lesbian couple who rescue and then keep a million trillion dogs in their backyard, and a giraffe, and they think that life is better for everyone when really, those dogs would wanna kill themselves.
• Hedgehogs have spikes.
• These spikes aren't poisonous . 
• They are mostly nocturnal which is great, because I feel like I can train our hedgehog to be a guard hedgehog. People will freak out coz it has spikes. Maybe I can make the spikes poisonous and rig up a contraption controlled by a sensor which catapults hedgehogs at intrudors over my moat. Yeh I have a moat.  
• Could potentially start a collection of spined animals, including but not limited to: porcupines, spiny mice, scorpion fish, puffer fish, and sandslash(s?) (What's the plural of sandslash? I don't fucking know. Not enough emphasis is placed on teaching the plural/singular forms of Pokémon.) When people ask me if I have any pets, I can say 'yeah, but only the spiky ones'. I've always wanted to say that.
• Hedgehogs are also called furze-pigs. I quite like that.
• Having a gold fish would be easier, but just because it's easy doesn't mean you should do it. Like pissing in the shower.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Were people more into nipples in the nineties? You don't see nipples through shirts like you used to.
• I decided that I don't like sweet things on toast. Then these kids I work with told me about apple butter which I didn't know even existed. It took me forever to find it at the supermarket because I didn't know where it was. First I looked in the 'spreads and things' section and I couldn't find it so I looked in ALL the other places three times. This supermarket is quite large and I was frustrated, slightly hungeover, but still having a good time. Then I went back to the 'spreads and things' section and I found it down the very bottom right corner. It only came in massive jars. I brought a massive jar because, what's a nigger to do? I tried some on toast and I wasn't all that excited about it. So I told my colleagues that it didn't BLOW MY MIND, and they told me to eat it WITH butter. I did that, and it was better. Still not amazing though. My main problem: I'm eating apple butter with butter. I may as well be eating butter with butter on butter butter with a side of butter. Yah know? 
• Were monocles the thing they had before glasses? So did you get dudes going round wearing two monocles? I know it looks silly, it could have happened, and it could have been awesome.  
• WATCH THIS!

Loveyoubye

Liz Tritops

xoxo