Here are a few of the reasons why I am who I am today:
- My father built a big fort for my two brothers and I to play on in our backyard. It was a balmy spring day (maybe?) and the chickens were running around in the garden (maybe?) and the smell of juniper ignited in the air (not. I don't even know what juniper smells like, and it probably doesn't 'ignite'. Whatever. I have artistic license.) We were playing pirates on the fort. We had a cat named Flossy, and since she was a cat, and all pirate ships have cats, we MUST include her in our game. Cat went aboard. It was afternoon tea time, and we didn't want Flossy to run away (that bitch would) and there was a handy rope which was hanging from the side of the fort. So we tied her to it. By the neck. Cats aren't that smart sometimes, so she jumped. Well. FUCK.
- One of the best things about being a little person was the consistant encouragement to play with crayons, paint, and Oobleck. Most kids create with reckless abandon. I struggled to paint the most basic of pictures. I would paint rows of dots instead of real pictures. No one ever told me that this was stupid, so I still don't know how to draw.
- I had a friend when I was six and his name was Stephen. He was a little shit. One day, he said to me 'let's burn the school down'. I thought it would be a great idea to say yes, even though I secretly liked school when he, nonsecretly, hated it. So I brought a packet of matches to school the next day (I had no idea how to light fires). During play-time, Stephen told me he was going to tell our teacher that she was 'in for a big surprise', i.e. devestating, school destroying, people killing, arson. Instead, he went and told her I had matches and I wanted to burn the school down. Then I got in trouble, but not heaps of trouble...I had just never really been in trouble before so I thought it was a massive amount of trouble when really, it wasn't. Then I went home and cried and was given banana, brown sugar, and cinnamon on toast and that's how my food issues started. LOL kidding. At least I never tried my hand at arson again.
- I was three and I found a crayon. I decided the crayon should go up my nose. I put it there and it got stuck. My parents found it one day because they could smell it rotting.
- One day, my mum packed us honey sandwiches for lunch. Well...she thought they had honey in them. Mother had put some lard from cooking a chicken or something into a creamed honey container and had given us fat sandwiches. Cool, mum, real cool.
- I never had a tamagotchi. Well, not the standard ones. You know the ones that are babies, cats, or dogs and they poo and you have to feed them every ten minutes or they die...yeah. Not those ones. I had a saucer man instead. Does anyone out there know WTF I'm talking about? It was a little alien dude that you had to look after, and the tagline was 'An Intergalactic Quest to Save His Species'. You got to play space-themed games and make sure his ship was maintained. It was weird. It looked a little bit like the thing I just drew, featured below the thing I just wrote. I love how there's a little key chain thingy. I guess it's so you can attach the Saucer Man to your cargo pants and take it everywhere with you. Or maybe it's for all the keys that you carry around as an eight year old. Also, eyes do no look like eyes because there's a damn screen in the way. The screen is where you can see the actual alien, which is weird because it's like an alien inside an alien.
- The Game of Life was probably the most educating board game of my childhood. Pretty much, if you get the best salary, you will win, regardless of your house and your wife (she's in the kitchen I guess) and all the other things. Monopoly was great and probably the most realistic (it teaches us that capitalism is awesome, right?) but it got a little tiring winning all the time. Hint: Orange streets.
- Slowly but surely, I learned that if you eat too much at Christmas time, you won't be hungry until Boxing Day dinner. BUT YOU HAVE TO EAT ALL THE LEFTOVERS IN THE FRIDGE ASAP!!! First world problem?
- Robbers are so much more scary than monsters under the bed, because robbers exist and monsters don't.
Other thoughts from me this week:
- Fridges great. They keep things cold. FOR TWENTY YEARS. ALL THE TIME.
- I feel like baristas fit into three categories. 1) Flirty 2) Platonic 3) Wants to be flirty, but is just platonic. Please prove me wrong.
- People often say shit like 'you're gonna love it!' about specific things to me and then I automatically want to hate whatever 'it' is, just to prove them wrong. Especially if they just met me so how the hell do they even know what I like? Example: 'OMG Liz, I just saw Grown Ups. You're gonna love it. It's soooooo funny I LOVE ADAM SANDLER SO I BET YOU LOVE HIM TOO LOL.' Go die in the face.
- WATCH THIS!
OK I'M DONE NOW.
I hoped you enjoyed reading.
Bye
Liz Tritops
xoxo
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