I Want a Furze-Pig

Hedgehogs in New Zealand are a little manky and brown and diseased and boring. In Oregon, you can keep them as pet and they come in all kinds of colours. My roommate decided that she wants a pet hedgehog. Here's why I am on the same page:

• They are quite small.
• We don't have to walk it everyday, but if we wanted to we could, because this is Portlandia.
• They are lactards which is great because it means more milk for me! You know how I feel about milk.
• This one time I saw a hedgehog doing circles in the middle of the road back home. It had a yoghurt pottle stuck on it's head and it was gonna die for sure because it couldn't see anything. Yeh. I saved it's life. I SAVED A HEDGEHOG. Now I must save all the hedgehogs. This could potentially turn into a bad episode of animal hoarders, you know the show which is always about some old lesbian couple who rescue and then keep a million trillion dogs in their backyard, and a giraffe, and they think that life is better for everyone when really, those dogs would wanna kill themselves.
• Hedgehogs have spikes.
• These spikes aren't poisonous . 
• They are mostly nocturnal which is great, because I feel like I can train our hedgehog to be a guard hedgehog. People will freak out coz it has spikes. Maybe I can make the spikes poisonous and rig up a contraption controlled by a sensor which catapults hedgehogs at intrudors over my moat. Yeh I have a moat.  
• Could potentially start a collection of spined animals, including but not limited to: porcupines, spiny mice, scorpion fish, puffer fish, and sandslash(s?) (What's the plural of sandslash? I don't fucking know. Not enough emphasis is placed on teaching the plural/singular forms of Pokémon.) When people ask me if I have any pets, I can say 'yeah, but only the spiky ones'. I've always wanted to say that.
• Hedgehogs are also called furze-pigs. I quite like that.
• Having a gold fish would be easier, but just because it's easy doesn't mean you should do it. Like pissing in the shower.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Were people more into nipples in the nineties? You don't see nipples through shirts like you used to.
• I decided that I don't like sweet things on toast. Then these kids I work with told me about apple butter which I didn't know even existed. It took me forever to find it at the supermarket because I didn't know where it was. First I looked in the 'spreads and things' section and I couldn't find it so I looked in ALL the other places three times. This supermarket is quite large and I was frustrated, slightly hungeover, but still having a good time. Then I went back to the 'spreads and things' section and I found it down the very bottom right corner. It only came in massive jars. I brought a massive jar because, what's a nigger to do? I tried some on toast and I wasn't all that excited about it. So I told my colleagues that it didn't BLOW MY MIND, and they told me to eat it WITH butter. I did that, and it was better. Still not amazing though. My main problem: I'm eating apple butter with butter. I may as well be eating butter with butter on butter butter with a side of butter. Yah know? 
• Were monocles the thing they had before glasses? So did you get dudes going round wearing two monocles? I know it looks silly, it could have happened, and it could have been awesome.  
• WATCH THIS!

Loveyoubye

Liz Tritops

xoxo