My Relationship Between Stress and Ice Cream

I haven't written in ages. I've been super busy running around and doing activities. I started reading about Harry Potter again, because I still don't know who dies and who lives. I've also been trying to figure out what to do with my life because America is about to kick me out.
Sometimes I'm not too stressed about leaving very soon. I still don't know what I'm doing or where I am going. Other times, reality hits and I have an internal freakout. What happens when I tell people that I'm leaving is that they ask me what I'm doing next. Then when I think about it, that's when I have another mental panic. 

I have stress symptoms. Here are some things that happen. 

• I don't talk, or,
• I talk too much about everything which is mundane to most people but exciting to me, and generally has no relevance to life. Cue dinos, animals, and 'would you rather' questions.
• Watch TV to take my mind off all the things I should be doing. End up having more things to do because I have been watching TV. 
• Decide I have no time to run. I actually do have time to run, because I have somehow been making time for TV. Get more stressed because I'm not running. 
• Stop being hungry, but
• I eating all the things because it makes me feel like I am being productive. People need to eat, right? 

This is a story about icecream.*

Usually I have icecream in the house because of Icecream Sunday. Icecream Sunday is the day where I am allowed to eat icecream. (I have days designated to exciting things in my life. Click here for more!) I have some 'Everything but the...' in the freezer. I'm telling you, this flavour is like a quarter of an orgasm, for reals. It has vanilla and chocolate icecream with white chocolate chunks, peanut butter cups, Heath bar chunks, and chocolate covered almonds. 
Stressed Liz needs an activity = worst icecream eating method ever. 
The problem with icecream that has so many yummy chunks is that I only want to eat the chunks. This turns into a game. I find a peanut butter cup, eat it, then I find some white chocolate, so I eat that, then oh my freaking gosh there's some Heath bar! A tiny piece of another peanut butter cup is exposed I have to fucking dig the shit out of the icecream. All the chunks must be mined!!!! FIND ALL THE WHITE CHOCOLATE! EAT ALL THE PIECES OF EVERYTHING!
What am I left with? A small amount of semi-melted and churned up icecream with no more chunks of fun :( 
I proceed to put on some fat pants (should have done this before icecream eating, duh Liz) and crawl into fetal position. Exact positioning must be strategic, to ensure maximum comfort and also so that I can see what's going on on episode of Hoarders. Hint: Weird people are hoarding things.
Eyes close.
Time elapses. 
Wake up some time later. What year is it? Who knows. Did I wake up from the best party in the world? Answer = no.
Squirrels have invaded apartment.
Flatmate is on other couch, also looking deranged.
Room is full of Ben and Jerry's containers. Most are empty, some have melted icecream, but don't even think that you could find remaining peanut butter cup hunks. Na-ah, gurlfriend. 
No, we don't have great hair. 
Apartment smells like failure, and possibly dead cats. 

THE END

*May or may not be based on a true story. 

Because of occurrences like this, I have been avoiding telling people that I WILL BE LEAVING PORTLAND IN LYK OMG 7 DAYS.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• There are some things that I know I don't know. a) Do friendly goats exist? b) What Blu-ray is. I care enough to be aware that I don't know what it is, but I don't care enough to Google it to find out. I don't have time for that shiz. Usually I just imagine a bright blue stingray being all like 'hey guys! I'm blue!
• I will refuse to drink peppermint and chamomile tea on a regular basis. Not only do they taste like  I'm eating flowers, but I fear that I will turn into an aggressively calm person. 
• Watch this!

The End

Love you all

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Why Hoarders is the BEST Show

I know when I'm watching bad television. One of the great things about Hoarders is that, even though it's rubbish, I still feel really good about myself because my life is better than the lives of the people who are on the show. 


Here are some reasons why I think Hoarders is the GREATEST:

• Some people keep chainsaws in their kitchen cupboards. 
• This lady's all like: "Be careful with my collection of garden magazines from 1957". Said collection has literally been lying under rat shit. 
• Sometimes the background music sounds like the music off Home Alone when Kevin is boobytrapping the house. 
• Many of the hoarders invariably fail at sorting their things out. As Wes Anderson taught us, failure is always more interesting than success. At the end of the show, sometimes it will tell you something like "Child Protective Services decided that Wendy is still a malicious hoarder and she cannot have her children back. Wendy had a heart attack under a pile of newly acquired boxes six weeks ago." Then I think, what the fuck did I just spend an hour watching? I like that it's real. So real. 
• Sometimes there are cute husbands who haven't divorced their hoarder wives yet because they really love them. 'Til death and all that. 
• Sad is refreshing. I was watching this special on animal hoarders, and there was this old lesbian couple who decided it was their mission to save all the animals of the world. Maybe like Noah's Ark but without the ark, and without Noah. In turn, they had so many animals that they couldn't look after any of them and they were all starving and manky and barky. 
• Here is a tag line for one of the episodes: 'Every room in Phyllis' house is packed with dolls. Her obsession has manifested itself into a floor to ceiling collection of bags stuffed with dolls, and a doll hospital in a spare bedroom where she "amputates" the limbs.' HOW COULD YOU NOT WATCH THAT?

Here are some quotes and pictures if you wanna see!!

From someone, in some episode: "She prefers to be alone. I think the collecting of things is kind of... her people." 
BUY A GRAMMAR! 


Look! This slipper was half-eaten by a rat! Why do you have it‽‽‽

The guys who work on the clean-up team are hilarious. In one episode, Kerrylea was crying because there was a missing piece of a broken tile which she needed to glue the tile back together. This is Kerrylea: 

She kinda sucks at life. Also, her name is Kerrylea.


One of the clean-up boys was all like: "We probably just threw out the piece of tile because...um...it was a broken piece of tile." Just by looking at his face you know he's thinking 'I wanna through out all this junk and get the eff out of here I hate my life.' 

Scandals like this happen: 

SCANDAL! DISASTROUS!
No, you can't press play. It's just a silly screenshot.  


"My name is Gary and I'm unemployed. Yeah, I got too many bunnies."
Also from Gary: "I've never done nothing wrong in my life. Misdemeanors, yeah, that's growing up and stuff like that. What did I do wrong? I have bunnies. That's what I did wrong."


"Peanut butter jars are NOT construction supplies!" - A daughter to her father. 


Check out this lady:

She was already a hoarder. Then she decides that she's going to get some crystals to help with her hoarding. Nek minnit, she is hoarding crystals. Oh the irony. 


I hope you appreciate all the research which has gone into this show. Primarily, this entailed watching Hoarders for hours. 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• Last night I had a dream where I went to the doctor's and they gave me breast implants. (I don't know who 'they' were.) I woke up and had to make sure I didn't have too much boob because I didn't know if I was dreaming. In the dream my nipples were in funny places. It was bizarre.
• My flatmate brought toast cutter that makes a piece of toast into two dinosaurs! I LOVE HER! Not only does it dinosaur, it also multiplies! (I just made dinosaur into a verb. That happened.)
• I'm going to run in a half marathon soon. Then a full marathon. I will turn awesome! I'm also going to be one of those annoying people who will want to show people my toned thighs and tell them how I love to leave parties early and get up at 5am to run for two hours when it's pissing down with rain. I know THEY WON'T GET IT! 
• Watch this! It's from Pokemon. 

I gotta go. 


I will write again sooooon.


Liz Tritops


xoxo