I Want a Furze-Pig

Hedgehogs in New Zealand are a little manky and brown and diseased and boring. In Oregon, you can keep them as pet and they come in all kinds of colours. My roommate decided that she wants a pet hedgehog. Here's why I am on the same page:

• They are quite small.
• We don't have to walk it everyday, but if we wanted to we could, because this is Portlandia.
• They are lactards which is great because it means more milk for me! You know how I feel about milk.
• This one time I saw a hedgehog doing circles in the middle of the road back home. It had a yoghurt pottle stuck on it's head and it was gonna die for sure because it couldn't see anything. Yeh. I saved it's life. I SAVED A HEDGEHOG. Now I must save all the hedgehogs. This could potentially turn into a bad episode of animal hoarders, you know the show which is always about some old lesbian couple who rescue and then keep a million trillion dogs in their backyard, and a giraffe, and they think that life is better for everyone when really, those dogs would wanna kill themselves.
• Hedgehogs have spikes.
• These spikes aren't poisonous . 
• They are mostly nocturnal which is great, because I feel like I can train our hedgehog to be a guard hedgehog. People will freak out coz it has spikes. Maybe I can make the spikes poisonous and rig up a contraption controlled by a sensor which catapults hedgehogs at intrudors over my moat. Yeh I have a moat.  
• Could potentially start a collection of spined animals, including but not limited to: porcupines, spiny mice, scorpion fish, puffer fish, and sandslash(s?) (What's the plural of sandslash? I don't fucking know. Not enough emphasis is placed on teaching the plural/singular forms of Pokémon.) When people ask me if I have any pets, I can say 'yeah, but only the spiky ones'. I've always wanted to say that.
• Hedgehogs are also called furze-pigs. I quite like that.
• Having a gold fish would be easier, but just because it's easy doesn't mean you should do it. Like pissing in the shower.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Were people more into nipples in the nineties? You don't see nipples through shirts like you used to.
• I decided that I don't like sweet things on toast. Then these kids I work with told me about apple butter which I didn't know even existed. It took me forever to find it at the supermarket because I didn't know where it was. First I looked in the 'spreads and things' section and I couldn't find it so I looked in ALL the other places three times. This supermarket is quite large and I was frustrated, slightly hungeover, but still having a good time. Then I went back to the 'spreads and things' section and I found it down the very bottom right corner. It only came in massive jars. I brought a massive jar because, what's a nigger to do? I tried some on toast and I wasn't all that excited about it. So I told my colleagues that it didn't BLOW MY MIND, and they told me to eat it WITH butter. I did that, and it was better. Still not amazing though. My main problem: I'm eating apple butter with butter. I may as well be eating butter with butter on butter butter with a side of butter. Yah know? 
• Were monocles the thing they had before glasses? So did you get dudes going round wearing two monocles? I know it looks silly, it could have happened, and it could have been awesome.  
• WATCH THIS!

Loveyoubye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

My 100 Favorite Things - Part III

Hi!! 


I have come to accept that I have too many things which I get REALLY EXCITED about to stop at 100. So there will definitely be four installments. If you haven't read one through 28 and 29 through 55, you can find them here, and here. Also, I'm sorry about the lactating link last week. I don't know what I was thinking. ("1" is actually "56". I hate computers and don't speak HTML fluently. Blah blah blah.)


Let's get down to business...

1. Putting EVERYTHING (cinnamon, chocolate, vanilla, nutmeg, etc..) on top of my cappuccino because it's there and I can. 
2. Seeing American tourists with safari pants, or sneans, a bumbag (fanny-pack) , a beer belly, and an old baseball cap.
3. Taking the stairs and thinking that I'm better than the people who take the lift. 
4. Doing nothing on a rainy day. 
5. Pinstripe suits.
6. Sporcle. One day I will get ALL the countries because I am a nerd. 
7. Getting that tiny seed or corn string thing out from between your teeth after 47 minutes of trying.
8. Nigella Lawson. She has no idea what she does to me. 
9. Meta humour.
10. Hot sauce. On almost everything. 
11. Seeing farm vehicles in cities. WHAT ARE THEY DOING THERE‽‽‽
12. When kids run really fast with their heavy backpacks on because they're late for school, and if they don't get there in the next 2.5 seconds they will definitely implode. PANIC!!!
13. A cigar for a good reason. Yeah I'm a girl. And I like cigars. Fucking sue me. 
14. Matching underwear. 
15. Brian Griffin. Why have a regular dog when you can have an intellectual dog? 
16. Portmanteaux.
17. The Olympics. If my life was perfect I would take holidays during the Olympics and park my arse in front of the TV all day to soak up sport I never get to see. I love the purity and simplicity of some of the events - Who can lift the heaviest shit? Who can run really really fast over a very very small distance? 
18. Seeing big people in small cars.
19. When you boil an egg and you want it to be soft and you crack the top off and it's perfectly runny so you add salt, dip strips of buttered bread into the yolk, and call them soldiers! And then nothing can possibly ruin your day because you're so freaking good at timing your eggs!!!
20. Not having a hangover after deserving one. This doesn't usually happen to me. I get double-hangovers; they're bad even when I don't deserve it.
21. Brunch with friends after a sleep-in. 
22. Moats. I don't understand why rich people don't have moats instead of security alarms. Duh. 
23. Graham Norton and his show. 
24. When a stranger thinks you and your friend are having an hilarious conversation.
25. The idea of half-time oranges. I don't actually like eating oranges at half-time though. Who wants to eat orange segments in the middle of a football game? But the sharing is nice; everyone takes a turn to bring them! There's always the one kid who forgets though, and it's probably the guy with the permanently snotty nose. 
26. Airports. They feel sterile and I like that. I also enjoy people watching. The arrivals lounge is the best because people have happy feelings. 
27. Fresh snow. It's white, pretty, and it confuses both cats AND dogs.
28. Cats and dogs eh? I like it when they're friends with each other. 

I have to go now. 

Jokes. I have nothing to do with my life.

Have a great day

Bye bye

xoxo Liz Tritops