There are a few things that most people seem to be crazy about and when I say I don't like any of these things, people look at me like I just killed their puppy. On purpose.
Here are some things that I just don't think are that great. I guess you could say I think that they're overrated.
Ze list of overrated thangs:
- Teaching children the noises that animals make. It's not really that important. BAAAA. MOOOOOO. WOOOOF! This shit ain't even concrete. In Greek, big birds go 'kra kra'. In Japanese, cats go 'nyan'. In French, pigs go 'groin groin'. That shit is cray cray.
- Having a lawn (unless you have a Mexican to manicure it, right?)
- Oasis. They were never any good. Just popular. Look back in anger. (See what I did there‽)
- Shopping with your grlfrendz. I think in theory this is supposed to be a brilliant idea. You go shopping together because you all need to get something which will make you look HOT for this awesome party you are all going to and everyone is going to be there!! You must make your tits and arse look amazing and then guys can bother you and you can pretend you don't want their attention even though YOU MADE THIS HAPPEN! I feel like mostly when girls go shopping together it becomes complicated and they all say everything looks great and they're probably lying and really, you're better-off going shopping by yourself, and if you like it, you should just buy it! Questions are asked in self-deprecating ways, such as 'this makes my stomach look fat, doesn't it?' and of corse all the ladiez have to say obviously it doesn't and you look SXY. Everyone gets distracted and buys a million things and then you need to buy all the things to keep up with your girlfrendz and then you need a coffee and then everyone wants to get food so you should also eat a $15 panini which will mean what you just brought won't fit good anymore and you just wasted $15 on a fucking panini and why the hell are you at a mall anyway? Malls make me want to vomit.
- Sex that lasts a really long time. FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP I'm bored FLAP FLAP I wonder what's on the tele BANG BANG BANG my vagina is getting sore now FLAP FLAP FLAP then I go 'are you gonna come yet?' FLAP FLAP FLAP so he's all 'I want you to come first, baaaabe' FLAP BANG FLAP BANG...oh hell.
- Bacon. For me, it's kind of like chewy, salty fat.
- Being 15. What even happend? NOTHING HAPPENED.
- That movie WALL-E. EVERYONE LOVED IT SO MUCH. I swear for the first 30 minutes there was no dialogue except WALL-E and EVE saying each others' names in really annoying voices. I feel like I'm missing a part of my brain which everyone else has, and it somehow enabled them to appreciate this movie. It was too optimistic. It was too silent. It was too annoying.
- Lists. Kidding.
- 'Raising awareness.'
- Celebrity chefs. Maybe next we get to see celebrity brick layers (WHADUP nice arms).
- Toilets which flush automatically and the toilet paper comes out because there is a sensor and the door also opens by sensors. They often have these so called 'electronic toilets' in New Zealand. Usually they are in small towns which you pass through to get somewhere more exciting. I guess they put them in tiny places show everyone that they're looking into the future and they're revolutionary coz they have a flash electronic toilet! BUT WAIT....they still have dial-up internetz. Whenever I went into those toilets I would freak out because I thought that the sensors might break then I would be stuck in there forever.
- Iced tea. Ew. Tea should be hot and comforting. If you call it 'sun tea', I might forgive you for drinking it.
- Nutella. It's kinda gross. And kinda paste-y.
- New Years Eve. Everyone talks about it like it's going to be an epic night but I never go away camping to listen to copious amounts of live music and take heaps of fun drugs or anything like that because I have a lame life and I like to work a lot. So all I really end up doing is getting drunk like any other night when I get drunk but people still think it's gonna be AWESOME and it's really not. Plus I think resolutions are for dummies. If you wanna change something about your life, change it today! YOLO!
- Pedicures. If you play any fun sport or do any kind of running or walking on the beach then what the fuck is the point? Pay $100 for someone to play with my feet‽ Hell to the no!!! I'd rather pay $100 to have someone NOT touch my feet.
- Chinese food. More like Chinese pile-of-weird-meat-and-grease!
- Getting hiiiigh. I want to achieve EVERYTHING!
Important note: If you combine getting high with some of the other things on this list then they may get okay. Example: Getting high and eating Chinese food. Or getting high and watching WALL-E. Or getting high and teaching children what noises animals make.
Other thoughts from me this week:
- I saw a man at the pet shop the other day who was buying bags full of insects for his snakes to eat and he had snake tattoos on his arms and I thought he was weird because I've never seen anyone who is obsessed with snakes before.
- If you want to confuse people, give partial compliments. Example: "Your top row of teeth is looking lovely today."
- Desert horned lizards can squirt blood from their eyes.
- This girl doesn't even know how to write, but she's great. WATCH THIS!
OK I'M DONE NOW.
Bye. Thanks for reading.
Liz Tritops
xoxo
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