New Year blah blah blah...

Apparently it's a new year.

New Year's resolutions are dumb. I'm not keen on them. I think if you genuinly care to make a positive change in your life, it shouldn't matter what day you do it on. All days are created equal. 
I am, however, all about reflection.

Things I learned last year:

• Never be boring. If you stop trying new things then you will become boring. 
• Things I don't like about not being 'settled': I can't have a dog. I can't have nice things to cook/bake with. Who carries a wok in their luggage these days? I can't have a piano. Who carries a piano in their luggage these days? It's hard to play sport.  
• That being said, trampoline dodgeball is one of my new favourite sports. I did play that.
• Tater tots are ze best. 
• Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
• Jail and prison are different things. I feel like I should have learnt this 10 years ago.
• Some movies that were awesome when you were a kid just aren't anymore. Like Josh Kirby...Time Warrior! And like The Indian in the Cupboard. Jumanji? Beethoven's 2nd? Who even knows. The trouble is, it's impossible to know if they're still good without re-watching them. 
• No man should think boobs are always awesome. The hoards of homeless women in Portland exemplify this. 
• "That's hilarious." is apparently an adequate response to ANYTHING. 
• No matter how many Pugs and French Bulldogs I see, I will never stop thinking 'ALIEN DOG!!!' every time. 
• I will never take malaria tablets. They say you're not allowed to have alcohol or sun when you take them. Why go on holiday? To drink water and sit in the shade? I don't think so. I'll take the malaria, thanks. (Hint: I don't have malaria.) 
• Tic Tacs must be eaten in twos. And only in twos. 
• Squirrels are like...real good at jumping and shit...they're athletes. Check it.
• If I am a woman, I only have two options: 

• Did I seriously have sushi only three times? What the heck is wrong with this gurl‽ I will not be making this mistake again.  
• If you use a word that people don't understand, most of them won't ask what it means. Why don't we want to learn things anymore? 

Things I didn't learn last year:

• Wether fabric softener actually softens fabric. 
• If it's 'okay' for me to drink de-caffeinated coffee. It just seems so wrong...
• How to do long division.

Watch this before you go.

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo 

I Like The Bus, Okay‽

I usually catch the bus 10 times a week.

There are a few times I really hate catching the bus. I hate it when it gets invaded by 30 children. I only like interracting with children on my terms, and even then I only like some of them. I'm hoping like hell that I like my own children. 
I hate waiting in the cold. 
Yesterday while I was waiting for the bus, homeless guy #1 brought a cigi off homeless guy #2. #2 was mad because #1 only gave him 11 cents. Then #2 dropped a penny on the ground and when I told him he dropped some money he said "I don't want a fucking penny, even I'm not that desperate!" He looked at me like I was the one with all the problems. Next he mutters about how the going rate for a cigarette is at least 25 cents and he simply won't accept less. Then he kicked the penny further away and I said I was just trying to help out then he (accidently?) threw the wine out of his cup and towards me. So that was fun.
I always try and make sense of situations like this. Yah-know. The how and the why. Then I remind myself that I may never understand alcoholism or this particular guy's mental illness.

I catch the bus but I don't hate it anymore.

• Sometimes I find notes. I'm doing this thing where I pick up notes that I find. Usually it's at the supermarket (shopping lists yay!) or in cafes or on the bus or anywhere else really. I'm going to compile the more interesting ones and make a book out of them and make approximately a million and three dollars. Here's something I once found on the bus:

First there was a list: 

- Vanilla yoghurt
- Hummus
- Pita bread
- Crystal light 
- Cereal 
- Milk

Then there were words of inspiration:

Caress. In a world where you can be anything...Be yourself. 
There is only one happiness in life - to love and be loved. - George Sand
* Money might make you wealthy, but friends make you RICH. 

Next, there was this: 

Some people have too many feelings. 

Followed by some terrible song lyrics:

My nigga I'm a beast
I can go 30 days and nights I no sleep
Like the mice in the streets
The only meal that I see everyday is my cheese
I don't think you can catch up
Keep up, hey, keep up, hey. 

There was some more stuff. too. 

First critique: What kind of cereal?
Second critique: Nice Akon song, guuurl. (I guess the cheese reference was okay...)

Am I a creeper keeping other peoples' notes? Eek. 

• Maybe I can pretend that I live in a really big and exciting city where unless you are superrich and have your own driver, everyone takes public transport. Then I don't feel like 90% of the people on the bus are below the poverty line. 
• People-watching.
• Sometimes I having a competition to see who has the nicest hair on the bus. Sometimes it's me. This isn't saying much.
• Another competition: Try to make the bus driver smile.
• I didn't catch the bus I would never read.
• People are so effing weird. When the bus pulled up to pick me up on Friday, there was a strange-looking bald man also waiting. As the bus arrived, he muttered to himself (maybe to me also?) "I'm a fucking genius!" And I'm like...riiiiiight. Takes a genius to figure out when the bus is going to come. Then he did that thing where he got off the bus two stops up the road. Yes I am judging him. He waited for the bus longer than it would have taken him to walk there. And it wasn't even raining! 
• On the same bus ride, some punk kid walks up to the rubbish bin and hoikes up a loogie. So the bus driver says in a southern/rural drawl: "Do that again and you're gon' have to get off this bus!" He was probably just rural, because I feel like southerners with thick accents might never leave the south. They're too busy trying to pray the gay away. So guy who spat in the bin starts eating something out of his hand. He's literally licking his hand. Like a 10-year-old with Raro back in 1998. Remember that phase? I do. It was odd. Also, all his clothes were two sizes to big. People are fascinating. 
• Then I passed the sign that reads 'Stone Cutters'. Whenever I used to look up at that sign I would usually think of that stonecutters episode from The Simpsons, and now I always think of that episode, since whenever I see that sign, I'm reminded that I used to think of that stonecutters episode. If you get my drift.
• So that's what happened that day.
• If I ever say 'I don't believe in using cars' (which I may never say) then I won't be a hypocrite. I actually do believe that cities should be built for people and not cars. Go Portland. People in Portland who complain about the system can go suck it. Try living in Auckland with no car.
• I kind of like awkward situations with strangers. 
• I like to stare out the window.

So that's the bus.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• You guys might not be the right people to deal with this, but the light in the laundry room for my apartment works on a sensor. Sometimes it doesn't switch on for up to 45 seconds, and I'm standing in a dark empty room waving my hands about like a sad weirdo. 
• I don't get this whole 'Spotify' thing.
• I mean, I guess I get it. I just don't want people knowing when I'm listening to power ballads. Hint: I'm listening to power ballads Right. Now.
• Watch this.

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas.

Cheerio

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Like Television

Quite some time ago I wrote about why I really love a show called Hoarders. To be honest, I have quite a soft spot for television that I know is crap, but it's the best kind bad television, so in my books, it's beaten the odds and it's actually good.
I have only just come to terms with admitting that I love some television that maybe I shouldn't. As an educated 23-year-old, I should be doing more productive things with my time. Maybe I should be reading Dostoyevsky, writing essays, or applying for real jobs. 

Generally crap television can only be categorised as 'worst' and 'best'. Don't give me any of that 'middle-ground' noise. Here goes:

The Worst Crap Television

• Ice Road Truckers. Every episode is the same and it is like this: "My name is Earl and I'm a trucker. 10-4. I'm tough because I drive the biggest truck AND I drive it in Alaska! I carry so much spool pipe today but it's okay because I have dose 'heavy load' signs. The weather might do something bad today and shit! Look! ICE! 10-100. Gotta eat me a burger." Repeat for six seasons. Six. Seasons. 
• Teen Mom
• Here Comes Honey Boo Boo 
• Anything about a real housewife from anywhere. They're just so...real. 
• MTV's Made
• Tool Academy
• Room Raiders
• Date My Mom
• The Next Bus

The Best Crap Television

• Hoarders. I already wrote about that. If you haven't read it, then here's the link. 
• Extreme Couponing. One of the main value points I find in this show is that it makes me hate couponing so much that I will never feel bad about not saving any coupons, even if the coupon is for something I really would buy. Which is not often. Because these coupons never seem to be for real food. 
• RuPaul's Drag Race. More 'personality' than you can shake a stick at. 
• My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Trying to understanding all the hypocrisies and intricacies of their religion/culture thang baffles me. Plus, the accents are so bad that they are almost good. 
• Amish in the City. This is why: My understanding is that Amish people are able to take 'a year off' to experience city life. I am under the impression that during this year they are can partake in any kind of debauchery that they care for. When this year comes to an end, they have to decide wether to return to their Amish village or never go back and be disowned by their family. Apparently TLC is starting a new show called Breaking Amish - similar to Amish in the City I believe. It might be good! 
• Airline (British version, bitch please). This is why: Travellers turn into monsters and they are great to watch. They are often tired and irrational and many of them have awful accents. Despite them being on the telly, sometimes their hair looks worse than mine. Liz: 1 Passangers: 0. 
• Addendum: They're flying with EasyJet. Liz: 1 Passangers: -1. 
• Both Flavor of Love and the popular spin-off I Love New York. I find it fascinating to watch a show where the main cast member and most of the contestants are disgusting, dysfunctional, and they're looking for  'love'. Highlight: When the contestants receive their nicknames. Priceless. Other highlight: Buckwild. Other highlight: When Somthin' shits on the floor. 
• Cops. It's a classic.
• Wife Swap. For me this is a great example of a show that finds families who are polar opposites and puts them together in an attempt to shake the apple tree. Mums be crazy. One of my favourite scenes is watching this poor girl try and hit rocks with a golf club. She is not allowed toys for some reason so she has to make her own fun. Sad, yet uplifting. She seems happy enough. Here's a video of crystal rock smashing.
• Brat Camp. These kids really don't know how to hike. At all. Some of them are actually quite witty. I used to watch it as a teenager when my parents were in the room in the hope that they would realise that I wasn't a complete shit like the kids from Brat Camp. 
• Beauty and the Geek. I think it's really nice when they become friends. I hope it's real. 
• Made in Chelsea - Could easily be compared to The Hills. Set in London; primarily Chelsea. Characters are sleek, and much more sophisticated than their American counterparts. They are genuinely hilarious and less back-stabby so I have yet to lose faith in the entire human race. MIC sometimes makes me feel a bit shit about myself though. They are all heirs to some kind of fortune (they seem to be entrepreneurs on the side though, and I think this is because they want to give off the impression that they are self-made), they have good genes and better jeans. Essentially, I want their lives. 

Some people would say that reality television makes you dumb. I think that sometimes you can learn things. Things I have learned from Made in Chelsea:

• If you are a girl you must have a Chloé bag, but it must be in a different colour to all your friends' Chloé bags. 
• I want a man who plays polo. Mostly so I have more opportunity to say the word 'polo', but when I do I can say it more like 'pouloow'.
• "Fake tan is probably the most offensive thing in the world."
• If I go out on a Tuesday night then I'm a 'sad weirdo'. Sunday night, however, is a more than acceptable date night. 
• A bi best friend is 'the cheap equivalent of the gay best friend.'
• "Roald Dahl didn't write Winnie the Pooh, darling."
• "Food? Chelsea girls don't eat!" 
• Every social situation must include either champagne or a cocktail. Regardless of the place or hour. 

The most perplexing moment in reality television for me has been trying to figure out if Bret Michaels has real hair. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• Do you know what I miss? Clouds that are shapes. Portland is either all grey sky or all blue sky. And I'm all thinking come on, sky! You're always the same! BE DIFFERENT. READY, GO!!! 
• Some animals like the Siberian salamander and a few kinds of frogs can survive being frozen for a long time! Maybe when I grow up, I wanna be an amphibian. 
• Watch this! It's the best. Fucking. Love. Sponges. 

I will write again this week.

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo

These Things Don't Exist

Some people love conspiracy theories and believe all kinds of noise like that the moon landing didn't happen and hey, while we are at it, neither did 9/11. Now, I am neither a rocket scientist nor a demolitions expert so I feel uninformed to start a fight. If you try and tell me with 100% certainty that the moon landing didn't happen, for shizzle, then I'm gonna be all like how the fuck do you know?  You're not a rocket scientist and neither am I, and you're probably going to get a bit of a slap.  Let's talk about big cats because they definitely exist and they're okay in my books. 

Having said that, there are some things out there which I think are fabricated. 

Here's my list of things that don't actually exist: 

• Arabian Days. It just went from night to night because why else would they make so many stories?
• The hour between 10pm and 11pm. So I'm all like I have a bedtime and it should be somewhere between 10pm and 11pm so I can continue to be a normal human-being where I sleep at night-time and am active during the day. (I would love to be crepuscular, but one time I tried that and it was quite weird. More on that another day). So I'm all: BITCHEZ NEED SLEEP. It's 9.59pm and time to maybe start thinking about this 'bed' thing and I know that in a mere one minute it will be 11pm. This is because somewhere between watching the end of an episode of Community and brushing my teeth and making one more cup of tea and laughing a little bit with my flatmate (maybe about portmanteaus or boyz?) and sitting on the edge of my couch with my knees all tucked up into myself because it's warm and for some reason I'm wearing god-awful-yet-awesome velvet pants which I literally just want to touch and right now I don't know what a comma is. I mean, I'm fucking comfortable, and despite knowing my bed will be more comfortable, you just try telling me that right now. Suddenly, it's well passed 11pm that hour actually didn't exist. 
• Legitimate inspiration for the song 'Holla back girl'. This shit is bananas. B A N A N A S. Fuck yes. 
• A bad time to drink tea. Every time of the day is tea time.  
• Stupid Germans. Logically, they should exist. But you haven't ever met one, have you? Didn't think so...
• Good dubstep must be the best oxymoron.
• Apparently there's a swimming stroke that goes by the name 'butterfly'. For one, butterflies fly, they don't swim, so it's a bit fucked. Just like how people believe that the moon landing was a kinda expensive movie made for a television audience obsessed with being better than the commies, I think this so-called swim stroke was made up for an Olympic television audience obsessed with seeing swimmers do something that was impossible, looks funny, and is quite inefficient. 
• Me coming up with a succinct and honest answer to the question 'so...what kind of music do you like?' The kind of music I like is lots of things, but more than anything I like it when you don't ask me that. It's a 'me' problem and not a 'you' problem. I guess I just haven't figured out a way to explain to people that I like reggaeton and Matchbox Twenty and Westlife without people thinking I am a musical shithead. But I like other music too! 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I love Christmas and Home Alone so much that I just listened to all the music from that movie, including the song that goes: 'diing ding ding diing baa ba ba baa, and then 'laa da da da laa da da da'. You know the one. I pretty much feel like setting booby traps NOW so my home doesn't get broken into. Then I remember that home is where the heart is and I don't really have a heart so it's all good. Kidding. To be real, once I finally acquire a Christmas sweater, no one can touch my shit because I will be so freaking contagiously wholesome. That's a rule. 
• I'm a little bit tipsy so I'm sorry if this is shit for you to read. 
• Wouldn't it be cool if you had a mask you put on when it was sunny and the mask was a Batman mask, and then you got tanned so you had a Batman tan lines. Then, not only do you look like you could be Batman, but you also look like you know how to holiday. 
• You actually must watch this. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. But mostly happy! 

Okay I have to go now

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Day Hacks

Sometimes life can be a bit shit. I know we aren't starving orphans where having no socks is the least of our problems. Let's be realistic. But there are times when daily life can be a little mundane. We wake up. We shower. We commute to work. We work. We commute back home. Blah blah blah. Repeat. Maybe we get to throw in a cheeky impromptu pun, or some tequila, or a game of Twister. Suddenly life becomes a little more fun. Could it be better? Yes. This is where my day hacks come in. 

To break the humdrum of the day-to-day drag, I made a few day hacks which I get maybe a little too excited about. 

Martini Monday
A martini must be taken on any given Monday. The preference is that you dress smart. If I were a man, the ideal outfit would be a pinstripe suit and a fancy hat. I'm not a man, and I don't own a pinstripe suit. I also don't know how I feel about pant suits, but one day I might give it a go. 
One of my friends has a philosophy which goes like this: Dress well, test well. He would dress nicely in hope of this influencing how well he does in his exam. My new philosophy is this: Dress well, martini well. Yeah I just made 'martini' into a verb. DEAL. I haven't actually done Martini Monday yet, and to be fair, I've only had one martini in my life. I don't even think it was a proper martini. My friend and I ordered them at our lodgings in Samoa. I'm pretty sure they didn't know how to make a martini and it was quite rank. 
Martini Monday WILL happen the next Monday, and I'll let you know how it goes for me.  


Whiquila Wednesday 
Whiquila is a drink which I made up. It's a shot of whisky and tequila together! It has all the benefits of both, being that it makes you fun and more fun. The bonus is that it doesn't make you horny or angry or sleepy! It tastes okay, and everyone thinks it's gonna be gross but then I make them take a shot with me and they love it! 


Fun Cereal Friday
I got this idea when I was still in high school. One of my friends Eli and I used to have Pie Day Friday. We would each take turns to buy us both pies from the school canteen. This stopped when we got into a fight about whose turn it was to buy the pies. To this day I swear Eli still owes me three pies. I mean, I'm over it though. Like, I don't even care anymore.
I don't even eat pies so of corse it doesn't even matter. It was eight years ago. 
Also, the pies were making me a little round.
Point is, I decided to do another fun thing on Friday to replace Pie Day Friday which had ended most abruptly. For this I did Fun Cereal Friday which is where I had cocoa pops on Friday because they were more fun than the healthier breakfast I had on the other days.
Now that I am in the States, there is whole new world of cereals available for me to sample every week. Rules: The cereal must look fun (it probably has a puzzle on the back of the package or some kind of cereal mascot like Cap'n Crunch), and it must be quite unhealthy. I'm not supposed to feel wholesome when I'm eating it, I'm supposed to feel slightly rebellious. 
Some of us went through this phase when we left home where we are all like "Screw you, Mum. I can eat whatever I want for breakfast!" So we did. Then we probably stopped. Now I'm starting again. But just on a Friday. Hopefully all the little balls of sugary-coated delight wont all cut my mouth open so much. We all know the cereal rule: The better it tastes, the more it cuts your mouth up.  

Icecream Sunday - See what I did there? Eh? Eeeehh? If you know my points system, you know I get a point when I eat icecream. As a family, we used to have icecream for pudding on Sunday. My brother thought it was kind of dumb. He's all: "Why the fuck can't we have icecream whenever we want?" And then Mum's all: "BECAUSE I SAID SO NAGNAGNAG!" Kidding. She doesn't really sound like that. Whenever Mum wasn't home, we would make Dad give us icecream even on a Wednesday or something CRAZY like that. 
I'm a big fan of the icecream on a Sunday rule. It means that I don't eat it every day, since I know Sunday must be only six or fewer days away.  The great thing about Portland is that there are all kinds of icecream shops where you can get all kinds of different icecream like honey lavender and maple bacon and chevre with bourbon pecan caramel if you're a food snob, and eggnog custard imuststopthisbeforeihaveanicecreamgasm!!!!

I still have three more days of the week to make up day hacks for. I need them to sound snappy. I need it to be fun but easy. Thoughts: Yours please. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• What's up with the patterns on bus seats? Seriously. What are they? 
• Maybe I should just have Angry Thursday. Thursday is my Monday, therefore I don't like it. Nothing good can happen!
• Microwave minute > washing machine minute > normal minute. 
• Watch this please thank you. 

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Don't Go To Work Today

Most days I go to work, but some days, I don't.

A day off in the life of Liz is not as exciting as it should be. Warning: Writing about to-do list features heavily, however actually doing things on to-do list doesn't happen so much. 

Here is what I do:

• Make to-do list
• On to-do list, put down a few things that I did last night and cross them off. That way, I will not feel like a total failure today. 
• Make list of food that I like from other countries. Why? Because I like lists, and I like food.  Feel sad that I will never be in one place where it is easy to obtain all of these foods. List contains dulce de leche, mangos all the time and I want at least one a day but for 20c only, mango sticky rice, more mangos, milo, peanut butter cups, empanadas, Gingernuts, Ben and Jerry's, Marmite, this really good beer that I had in Canada and no I am never turning into a beer snob but it was actually amazing. 
• Who is this Honey Boo Boo character? Research must be done.
• Watch episode.
• Regret decision. 
• Realise I cannot concentrate on actual things without a clean workspace.
• Clean workspace.
• Clean more things, because I can't just clean one thing. Clean thing is making dirty things look even dirtier in comparison. 
• I want to run.
• Remember that I can't run and get angry about it.
• I could do some other kind of exercise right? Or I could angrily eat candy corn instead. 
• Choose the latter. 
• Check news from home. On front cover of news website will invariably be a picture of a six-year-old boy who found a rusty old coin in his neighbour's garden. 
• How do I make quinoa really fluffy? Apparently quinoa has recently gone mainstream. Do I even want it anymore? It used to be the grain 'you've probably never heard of'. Currently imagining tiny quinoa thingies with moustaches and fixies. 
• Do personal admin, such as replying to emails and balancing my books. I need a personal assistant STAT.  
• Make grocery list. Yes, grocery list is on to-do list. So right now I have a to-do list of to-do lists. Brilliant. 
• Don't bother putting empanadas or mango sticky rice on grocery list. 
• Find sleeping bag because it's cold.
• Make tea because it's still cold AND bitchez love tea. 
• Get drunk and ask all the boys if I'm pretty. 
• LOL JK.
• Eat quinoa, but it isn't as fluffy as predicted. It's okay though, I guess. Fluffy isn't even my favourite texture of food so don't worry. At least it didn't turn into a paste. I think I like gummy things the best.
• Take photo of grocery list? Will it look backwards on Photo Booth? Is it like a mirror? How does that even work? Why do I look so weird on Photo Booth?
• Pull silly face.
• Take photo.
• Repeat.
• Shit. Photo Booth DOES do the backwards mirror thing. Use camera. 
• Show grocery list to you guys because I'm so narcissistic.
• I'm doing this thing where I listen to all the music on my iTunes and delete the stuff that I don't want. I do this because sometimes my music is on shuffle and some indie electronic crap will come on. Song might not even have any words, which means I don't know how I should feel inside. I have no idea how the heck it got on my iTunes and who even sings it. Where I was going with this is right now I'm up to the part where my favourite christmas carol is being sung by N Sync a cappella-style so yes I'm okay right now. And yes, this song is a keeper.  
• Go to supermarket. Still getting distracted by all the American things, especially in the cereal isle and the candy isle. And the frozen isle.
• Write on to-do list things that I did this morning which weren't already on to-do list, so I feel as though I have stuck to to-do list. Yes, I even put 'eat candy corn' and 'shower' on to-do list. 
• Go and play in trampoline park in Portland because bouncing should always be fun, no matter how old you are. Trampoline park was on to-do list. Also, every day off needs at least one fun activity. 

THE END

Here is my grocery list:

I hope you like it. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I think a great way to exert superiority is to start calling people 'serfs' and 'bastards' (but in a loving way). Let's bring those words back.  
• MUST.BUY.CHRISTMAS.JUMPER.
• This week I learned that dogs can get stuck when they are mating. Apparently there are two kinds of people in the world: those who know about this and those who don't. Half the people I told this were all like 'No shit, Liz. You're dumb. Have you been living under a rock?' The other half were just as surprised as me. So yeah. That happens. You're welcome. 
• Here. Watch this. Cat's are dogs, too.

Have a great week

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I'm a Smart Girl, but I'm not Always Right

Sometimes I am wrong. I made a list of things I thought I knew. This was way back when Pluto was still a planet and everyone agreed that the Triceratops was a proper dinosaur. 

• I thought I was invincible at Cluedo. One day, I lost, and I haven't played since. This is not just because it's not everyday that you get offered the chance to participate in the second best board game, but also I'm scared because I don't know exactly who I am anymore. I thought I could figure out all the clues, dammit. Half the time, it's that bitch Mrs. White. 
• A flying fox is not just a freaking awesome piece of playground, but also an animal. You can even call them megabats if you want. Isn't that great? LOOK AT THE PICTURE!
• I have this theory about fruit that I may have told you before. If the effort involved in  eating a particular piece of fruit outweighs the deliciousness of eating it, then it's a no-go. Think sticky hands. Think juice going everywhere. Think rind under fingernails. Think seeds and pips in teeth. Think where the blimin' heck do I put the skin? I've seen enough Vaudville to both appreciate the potential slapstick value in the banana skin but also realise the danger. As an economics student who loves cost and benefit and all those nerdy things, I contemplated my theory for quite some time. Many graphs and equations were made. Well, not really. That being said, I honestly thought that the humble grapefruit was dead to me. Then, I discovered the GRAPEFRUIT SPOON! Great invention, guys. It's like the superhero of the utensil world. Hell, why can't these spoons be wearing capes?  
• I thought those Glacé cherries were made out of some kind of edible plastic. I now know they're REAL cherries. (I guess‽) 
• I was wrong about going to step class. For me, this is never a good idea.  Today, I accidentally kicked a girl in the head. 
• After listening to Mumford and Sons repeatedly on the way to and from Canada, I realised that the song 'Lion Man' could actually be about a lion-man hybrid. Most of the lyrics point to yes. 
• Duct tape is not called 'duck tape'. However, there is a brand of duct tape called 'Duck tape'. Well played.   
• I just want Alicia Keys (and Jay-Z, for that matter) to tell me what a wet dream tomato is. 
• The Who was not wondering what it was like to be Batman behind blue eyes. 
• I always thought mayonnaise was yucky.
• Wait. I got that right. Mayonnaise IS yucky.
• Since playing The Oregon Trail, I thought certain diseases sounded trivial. A typical conversation in the wagon would go like this: "Ma, I can't eat this stewed rabbit just this minute. Don't worry, I'll be done with my cholera soon." Cholera is actually quite bad.
• You are allowed to return the baby birds to the nests if you see them stranded. Don't worry, their mums will still like them. I've never seen a baby bird stranded though. Where are they at? 
• I have been looking for a substitute for Griffin's Gingernuts dunked in a milky cup of tea. I'm starting to worry that no substitute exists. 
• Getting drunk WILL give me a notorious hangover and I will be shit at work the next day or I just won't even be able to move for 12 hours. Life is NOT like it used to be when I was 16 and a milkshake and a slice of pizza would make me feel 110% again so I could continue being passive-aggressive with my parents and GO.  
• Sex in a Subaru doesn't count.
• Is it three or four musketeers? Did they even have muskets? To me it just sounds like they should be little mice. Who are armed. With muskets. Did they already make a sequel to Stewart Little? 
• Being in a plane adds at least one star to crappy movies, and it adds all five stars to RuPaul's Drag Race and Extreme Couponing. 
• Lending books is never just lending them. Imagine you are giving away free gifts, therefore you must realise that you will never see them again. 

Other things from me this week:

• It's time to start baking again. This week I will attempt a pumpkin pie because of this 'America' thing that I am doing right now. Maybe I'll do it with real pumpkin instead of the instant pumpkin that 'they' use. Do you know why? I'm not a cheater, that's why. (I hope you're not allergic to my pretentiousness. To be fair, I think I'm only 2% pretentious.) Also, next time you see me I will be the size of a house, because if you make the pie, you gotta eat the pie. 
• I learned about a new dinosaur. It's in my top five. 
• Playing Bingo with old people will also happen soon and I will most likely write a report on it. Old people are actually great. 
• We have Christmas lights up. It's not Christmas time yet but a) Bitchez need to see the things in their lounge, and b) Christmas lights are fun, as is Christmas. Speaking of which, I need to find a dashing Christmas jumper for the harsh Oregon winter. Ha. 
• You should probably watch this. Consider it your homework. 

Bye guys and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Liz Tritops