New Year blah blah blah...

Apparently it's a new year.

New Year's resolutions are dumb. I'm not keen on them. I think if you genuinly care to make a positive change in your life, it shouldn't matter what day you do it on. All days are created equal. 
I am, however, all about reflection.

Things I learned last year:

• Never be boring. If you stop trying new things then you will become boring. 
• Things I don't like about not being 'settled': I can't have a dog. I can't have nice things to cook/bake with. Who carries a wok in their luggage these days? I can't have a piano. Who carries a piano in their luggage these days? It's hard to play sport.  
• That being said, trampoline dodgeball is one of my new favourite sports. I did play that.
• Tater tots are ze best. 
• Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
• Jail and prison are different things. I feel like I should have learnt this 10 years ago.
• Some movies that were awesome when you were a kid just aren't anymore. Like Josh Kirby...Time Warrior! And like The Indian in the Cupboard. Jumanji? Beethoven's 2nd? Who even knows. The trouble is, it's impossible to know if they're still good without re-watching them. 
• No man should think boobs are always awesome. The hoards of homeless women in Portland exemplify this. 
• "That's hilarious." is apparently an adequate response to ANYTHING. 
• No matter how many Pugs and French Bulldogs I see, I will never stop thinking 'ALIEN DOG!!!' every time. 
• I will never take malaria tablets. They say you're not allowed to have alcohol or sun when you take them. Why go on holiday? To drink water and sit in the shade? I don't think so. I'll take the malaria, thanks. (Hint: I don't have malaria.) 
• Tic Tacs must be eaten in twos. And only in twos. 
• Squirrels are like...real good at jumping and shit...they're athletes. Check it.
• If I am a woman, I only have two options: 

• Did I seriously have sushi only three times? What the heck is wrong with this gurl‽ I will not be making this mistake again.  
• If you use a word that people don't understand, most of them won't ask what it means. Why don't we want to learn things anymore? 

Things I didn't learn last year:

• Wether fabric softener actually softens fabric. 
• If it's 'okay' for me to drink de-caffeinated coffee. It just seems so wrong...
• How to do long division.

Watch this before you go.

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo 

Long Division, Interrobang, and Things I Find Offensive

I have many thoughts and sometimes I like to write them down. Often I babble or go off on tangents. Other times I make venn diagrams or flowcharts or lists. Compiling a flowchart of venn diagrams is pretty much my dream; as of yet I don't have the subject matter or the smarts. Another dream of mine is to be rich enough to wear a new pair of socks every day. My favourite pickup line is "Hey, I'm wearing a new pair of socks!". At first he'll probably be as confused as an American watching Monty Python. But then he'll be all like "WOW! You must be so awesome and comfortable!" That's when I win! 
Also - Boys: If you pick up and you're wearing your cap backwards, you get double points. 


I have a confession. I still don't know how to do long division. I swear from when I was 6 to 12, probably around 20 million different adults tried to teach it to me but I never got it. I could do all the other maths. And all the other kids could do long division. Even the kid with the permanently snotty nose. You know the one. 
This is how I tried to do it:

Here's a list I made. It's called: 


Things I Find Offensive

• People who don't like dogs.
• When people put 'much?' on to the end of adjectives. Hate much? 
• Tyra Banks.
• Personalised number plates. I saw one yesterday which said 'LIE'. On a boy racer car. What are you tryna tell me? You like to lie? You're a compulsive liar?  Is the car a lie? Do you often like to lie down on things? Or are you lying about being a liar? Wait....are you lying about lying about being a liar? Witty.You're so fucking kewl!!!! I bet you have a MASSIVE PENIS. CoMe CRuzN WiT mE Lyk OmG LEtZ GeT FUCkD Up WiT dA BoYZ  LOLZ HuN xoxoxo JK.
• Energy drinks. 
• Xzibit. 
• People who just sit/stand there with their mouths a little too open. Even if they are the smartest kid around it still makes them look they're a fry short of a Happy Meal. Oi you! Close your mouth! 
• Pants which are slightly too short. Next time, put some cream on your shoes and invite your pants down for scones and jam. 
• 'Fragment. (Consider revising)'
• Leaving crumbs in the spread. C'mon. Figure it out. It's not rocket surgery. 
• When I ask someone what their favourite dinosaur is and they say 'I don't really know any dinosaurs'.

‽

I recently discovered the interrobang (probably one of the best days of my life). It's an exclamation mark superimposed on a question mark. Can be used for things such as 'You call that a hat‽' And when you say 'interrobang' you have to shout it and also say it like a question. You should use it. Let's make this big. 

I have to go chop up some fruit now. Thanks for tuning in. 

Liz Tritops