How I Know I Am Not A Real Adult

I'm 23. Sometimes I don't feel like it. Here's why:

• Star charts are not only pretty, but they also help me achive things. My flatmate and I made a star chart and we get stars for doing exercise and we call it Starwars!! 
• I don't wash my colours separately. Is that a thing people are supposed to do or a thing Mum told us to do because she thought that it would be a fun game and maybe we can learn colours better if we put our laundry in the appropriate basket? When I was a kid we had a laundry chute for a while. That was fun. Only problem was the laundry chute didn't connect to anything. Duh. 
• I refuse to buy envelopes, so I pay my rent cheque in a carefully folded-up piece of paper and write on it 'This is a very professional looking envelope.' It's time to pretend. What else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute? Oh hai MGMT. 
• I don't see why there can't be lego to play with EVERYWHERE. Like in cafés. And bars. And at the dentist's. For that matter, lego should be available pretty much anywhere with a reception. I can't think of anything more soothing than being allowed to play with lego before getting your cunt waxed or your teeth pulled. I hope you agree!
• Fairy bread is still great. Fairy bread is a common children's birthday party treat in New Zealand. It's white sandwich bread cut into triangles and covered with sprinkles/Hundreds and Thousands. Very fun! 
• How does one go about folding sheets if one's arms are not 2m long? 
• How are farts STILL funny?
• 40-proof 'adult' chocolate milk. Chocolate milk in general. 
• What the hell do you even put fennel with?
• When walking past a playground, and seeing that there are available swings to swing on, not taking this opportunity to swing on them is like saying a big fuck you to everything fun in the world. 
• I think grown ups own wine glasses, and maybe a decent set of knives. I own neither. If you're a 'better' adult (let's call it a 'Level 2' adult), you even get to go to a specialised knife shop to buy your set of knives, and you use each knife for it's correct purpose. All I know is that the smallest knife is awesome for opening OtterPops. 
• Don't I need a pen that I carry around with me so that I can act all wanky and sign with my own $400 thing? 
• Sometimes I still go to work hungover. When this happens, I tend to make very little effort with my appearance, because hungover bitchez don't deserve mascara, in the same way that if you don't do your homework, you don't deserve to plaaay. 
• Always cut toast into smaller pieces, because a whole piece of toast is actually quite big to pick up and is weird to hold. 
• I like to eat baby food. 
• Kidding. Did I trick you?
• I still judge boys on their looks rather than their trust funds. Rookie mistake. 
• What's an oil change and why does my Father keep looking at me like I don't know how to take care of my car?
• Never stop building forts. 
• Never stop putting dinosaur stickers on things. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Over the course of the last few days, I have seen not one, but two pretty ladies who have been wearing cute little dresses and look rather nice. Then I see a fluffy yet spiky tuft of armpit hair. Is this a thing? Like, a new thing? Maybe a Portland thing? Answers, please. 
• I didn't really think about anything else this week. Except maybe that 'turquoise' sounds more like an animal than a colour. 
• Watch this! It's kinda icky. 

That's all. I must go back to work now!

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Dreams are Free, Bitchez!

I wrote this when I was drunk. It could be the worst thing you will ever read. I hope not!


Here are some things I wish for:

• I wish I could draw. I don't think I would ever want to be a serious artist because they usually have fucked-up childhoods and are all dark and twisty on the inside. I just wish I were better than I was when I was six. Here's a fun Lizfact: Sometimes I didn't even draw pictures. I would just draw rows of coloured dots. Maybe I lacked imagination, maybe I have OCD. 
• I wish peanut butter didn't stick to the top of my mouth.
• I wish my flatmate knew where Montana was and that New Hampshire was a state. 
• I wish I could fold fitted sheets. And non-fitted sheets. I don't even understand how people can fold things which are three-times their size. 
• I wish I didn't have the hangovers of a 40 year-old.
• I wish I had more dreams. Apparently we all have around five dreams per night or some shit but I never remember mine, and if I do they're always in black and white.  This makes me a little sad. I'm gonna try and eat heaps and heaps of cheese before I go to bed and then maybe I will dream more. Then I can make a graph of cheese-eating relative to dream clarity. It will be a cute science experiment and I'm a nerd. 
• I wish more people used the interrobang. It was created to fill a gap in our punctuation system. Let's fill that gap, dammit!
• I wish I were as brilliant as Jon Favreau.
• I wish the yummy cereals with all the sugar didn't try to rip your mouth apart. 
• I wish there were more traffic circles here. Or roundabouts. Whatever you call 'em. 
• I wish my eggs and toast were always ready at the same time.
• I wish I didn't find cigarettes so enjoyable.
• I wish everyone knew that Batman was better than all the other superheroes. 
• I wish...you know when it's snowed for real and it's night-time but it's not super dark but all bluey and weird outside because the darkness is reflecting on the snow. Or something. And the air  smells crisp and clean and everything is more quiet. Yeah. I wish for that. 
• I wish more people had a favourite dinosaur.
• I wish I could have a dog. Right now.
• I wish it were more common to wear nice hats and gloves. Especially for men.
• I wish I didn't fuck around waiting for my tea to be cold enough to drink then BAM it's really cold so I have to make another one.
• I like yoga. I really do. I wish they didn't say things which verge on being ridiculous and which make me wanna giggle, like 'take a moment to thank yourself for honoring your commitment this space and your body today.' Seriously. You two in the corner: You saw each other yesterday, so why are you doing the whole-body hug with eyes closed thing? It's as if you just survived being eaten by a bear in the woods and you ran separate ways, but you made it to yoga just in time and you're seeing each other again for the first time. Alive.                                                                                   I just want to stretch and maybe feel a little fuzzy on the inside, and be a little less fat. 
• I wish I knew the difference between port, starboard, bow, and stern. You know the game Captain's Coming? I was such a little sheep.
• I wish they didn't make a Mighty Ducks 3. 
• I wish for cheesecake. Right now.
• I wish Pluto wasn't kicked out of the planet club. I feel bad for that little guy.
• I wish roller blades were perpetually cool. Kinda like skateboards. Because I think they deserve it.
• I wish more people knew that tofu tastes good. 
• I wish nuts were never added to chocolate.
• I wish we could pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. LOL JK. 
• I wish girls could wear ties and not look like lesbians or like they're tryna be punk rockers. I LIKE TIES, DAMMIT.
• I wish I could bump into the guy who writes Books of Adam. He lives in Portland and I think his name might be Adam. We could talk about fun things.
• I wish I had the time and constant supply of baking things to bake something perfect everyday and share it with YOU. 
• I wish that the cheese in America didn't just taste like texture. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I like how the homeless people here have dogs; the dogs look happy and not super hungry.
• All the men here are 30-ish or gay. I'm outa luck. You can shake an apple tree as much as you want, but you're never gonna get bananas to fall. I just made that up. You like it? Wisdom from Liz is called Lizdom. 
• Have you ever said 'I'm not hungry' to Grandma? Didn't think so. 
• This will either be the best part of your day or something else. Let's face it, you're not busy and important enough to say no to 1:42 of awesome. Watch it! 

I have to go to work now.

Have a good day!!! 

Liz Tritops

xoxo

More Things I DO NOT Have a Boner For

Hey you!


You know how much I love lists. I had to write another one. 
Here are some things I don't like. Maybe you don't like them either. 

• Folding fitted sheets. I raise a glass to anyone who can do this successfully without getting into the foetal position in the corner of the bedroom, filled with feelings of self-loathing and misery. I can't even fold non-fitted sheets. Clearly I am not a real grown-up. 
• When you know you have to get up really early in the morning so already you're missing out on sleep and you wake up 10 times in the night because you're worried about not getting up in time and you're all like 'OH FUCK IT'S 10.30AM AND I HAD TO BE ON THE PLANE AT 8AM SO MY LIFE IS OVER!' but it's only actually 4am so you can continue living, but you will be tired for the rest of the year. 
• Misuse of the words 'humbling' and 'ironic'. Unless it's ironic. 
• There are too many sandwich fillings in my sandwich. Logistical nightmare to eat. WHADUP first world problem. 
• The Dr Oz Show. Watch one episode and you will realise you have more than half of the symptoms of 22 different illnesses (including the 'c' word). You will definitely be dead soon, but don't worry, at least you're not one of the pre-menopausal mothers in the audience wearing different coloured pastel t-shirts. YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR PAPS SMEARED OR MAYBE YOU WILL EVEN DIE TOMORROW!
• Food with a paste texture. Pâté, wasabi, peanut butter, etc. I really wish I could eat peanut butter but I don't like the 'stuck to the inside of my mouth for ten minutes' feeling.
• There are more than 150 Pokemon. Stop it. Just stop. 
• Referring to a group as a 'crew'. However, if you're on water or in outer-space then this is ok. 
• Every time I'm in bed I lose my phone somewhere within the pillows/sheets/blankets/my one teddybearcowthing and it takes 27 minutes for me to find it. 
• When rice risotto is the only vegetarian option on the menu. ANYTHING but rice risotto would be fine. 
• When you think you can parallel park into a space that's slightly too small so you try and park and you fuck it up and you look like a huge dick in front of ALL THE OTHER CARS.
• Kony 2012.
• Ignore that. I'm not getting political on here. 
• If you press the 'I want to cross the road' button a million times will make the little green man come up faster. It's true. 
• Wind. It's as if the whole atmosphere is angry at your entire body for doing nothing wrong. It's harder to walk and impossible to have nice hair. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Remember: Always know where your towel is. 
• What the fuck is Yahtzee and does anyone in the world even play it? 
• I might not know how to fold sheets, but at least I don't spit when I talk. 
• South Korea. Better than North Korea? 
• Here's something you should watch. 

Thanks for stopping by.

Have a good week!

Liz Tritops 

xoxo