Self-help Isn't My Thang

Right now I'm reading a self-help book, and I'm all like, 'shit son. Why am I reading this?

This is my first experience with self-help, and I guess I thought it would be interesting for myself. I don't think that I need a lot of self-help, but maybe sometimes we all do? Just a little bit? I think it's kinda funny that it's called 'self-help', because you're not really helping yourself, are you? If you need to read a damn book, then it's not all you. The one I'm currently reading is by a fella named Stephen so maybe it should be 'Steve-help'.

Here's what I like about it:

• The use of the words 'synergy' and 'paradigm' are off the fucking charts. I think business buzzwords are just the greatest thing. 
• 'Measure twice, cut once.' I guess we can thank the builders of the world for that one. 

Those are the only things Steve could help me with. 

Here's what I don't like about it:

• I don't like the diagrams  I thought more flowcharts and Gantt charts should have been utilised. I like charts, and those are my favourite kinds!
• I'm not very good at saying 'no' to people and also I have the (probably quite common but under-diagnosed) problem of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). This book isn't helping me. 
• This book is trying to teach me that to be a good listener, you just need to repeat whatever the person is saying back to them, either as a statement or a question. But I love talking about ME. 
• Steve talks a lot about a 'circle of influence'. All I can think about when I'm reading this part is when I was ten and my teacher made us all draw a diagram called our Circle of Experience. Inside it we had to put all the things we have tried before and then outside we would write down what we didn't try. The lesson was...actually...I don't remember. Maybe try things? I like trying new things anyway so I don't think I need help with this. I don't think it was a very good lesson. The only thing I could think to put outside the circle was potatoes. While I had tried potatoes before, I didn't like them too much so I would stop trying them. Now I love potatoes. And that was a cool story.
• There is this diagram of a spiral which apparently is called THE UPWARD SPIRAL. So they describe this diagram in words (they don't really explain it, but they just describe what it looks like. Which we can see anyway. Fucking duh.) I was supposed to get something out of it. 

This is what I got out of it: 

Commit. Learn. Do

To be fair, I think that all I need in my life to help make me be more effective is for someone to make me Gantt charts for all the days of my life. Maybe I can also adapt to the Uberman sleep schedule, which is where you sleep for 20 minutes every four hours and this adds up to only three hours day, but you're not even tired because you're awesome and you have an extra five hours to do all the things! 

Here's a pie chart, bitchez:

One time I tried this funny little sleep schedule and I turned into monster! Then I didn't wake up after a nap one time (after nearly three days) and the whole thing was wasted. So I went back to being a normal person. 

Here's me when I tried out polyphasic sleep:

I was crazy!

With my life right now, in an attempt to harness productivity, I just spent forever trying to make a Gantt chart. I'm actually slightly embarrassed about how long I spent trying to figure it out, and I realised that I could have probably done EVERYTHING that was supposed to be in the Gantt chart in the time that it took me to try and make it.  
There will always be lists.  

This was what my Gantt chart was going to contain:

- Wake up. If there's one thing I have learnt over my 23 years is that this is the key to accomplishing anything.
- Run. Through the trees. Maybe faster than before.
- Make bed. Bitchez need a made bed to feel accomplished. 
- Shower time is my favourite time of day. 
- Breakfast. Always eat breakfast! Today it will be porridge.
- Read. More Steve-help. Fucking change my life, Steve. I dare you.
- Make cupcakes. I brought all the ingredients yesterday and they are gonna be yumtastic. Hold me back from eating them all.
- Clean up mess. I will use twice as many dishes as are necessary and I will invariably throw some flour on the flow. 
- Get ready for work. 
- Be at work. Maybe do work. 
- Come home from work and cry.
- Shower time. Because it's my favourite time of day, I often do it twice. 
- Food? Maybe eggies. 
- Watch nature documentaries with ma mates. 
- Time for bed. 

I don't want Steve-help. I just want someone to make me a Gantt chart all the time!

Other thoughts from me this week:

• The snow monkeys that live in Japan are smart enough to season their food. I think that's pretty freaking cool. 
• I gather that I talk about animals ALOT. See, the thing is, with giraffes, how come there isn't anything else like them? With that long neck and everything?
• Do you remember learning about that guy Lamarck in biology? He thought that animals changed because they wanted to. So a giraffe wants a long neck so he can reach the tree leaves, so poof! He gets a longer neck! Then his children also get longer necks. And this is how evolution goes. I know not many people knew much of science those days, but isn't that kind of stupid? And the guy is still a little famous. Geez. 
• Here. Watch this!

Hey guys. Stay cool.

Lots of love

Liz Tritops

xoxo