I'm Getting Better At Life

Today it's raining and I feel like a bit of sharing. 
I wrote a list of things that I used to do or used to believe. They are kinda stupid. I even tried to make it in chronological order for you guys!

• One of my biggest financial regrets was buying a Furby. You may think this was no biggie, but when you take into account my savings, income, potential earnings, and liquidity, wank wank wank, it's all bad news bears. At the end of the day, I had a toy that I hated and I still had stingy parents. Of corse I vehemently defended my decision to buy the Furby.  
• I believed in bright blue eyeshadow for a while. This was quite bad, but unlike many girls, I realised that you can have too many of those little shitty plastic butterfly clips. 
• So...for far too long I believed in Noah's Ark. I mean it is fun to believe. This guy had ALL the animals; David Attenborough would have creamed himself.
• I used to think that pirate LEGO was the best. 
• I still do!!! 
• When I was 12 I believed in socialism for just a few weeks. That was a strange phase. I think I did it just to piss off Steve. That's my dad. I might write about him one day. 
• I honestly thought that olives shouldn't be eaten. By me. Or anyone else. Because if I can't enjoy it, no one else should. 
• I thought there was no better pet than a cat. There is. It's called a dog. Here's one eating cabbage. 
• 'Food is negative calories when consumed after dark or with alcohol'. Sometimes I still think this. 
• I thought tea was bad just because it wasn't coffee. 
• I believed everything that I read in Dolly magazine. Here are some lessons from this: Lesson 1: All woman are beautiful all of the time. Lesson 2: 'How to look thin for summer and boys' or 'How to slap all this shit on your face so you don't actually look like yourself anymore'. Lesson 3: Interactive activity! This is where you can take a flowchart type thingy to learn what kind  of girl you are. Because why be yourself when you can be a label?                                                                                          All of this may or may not have left me with a confusing sense of self-worth. 
• While in high school I liked to think that I had better taste in music than the masses. I wasn't a musical sheep. Baaa. I did this weird thing though, where I felt that it was necessary to put lyrics from some of my favourite artists all over this one folder that I would carry with me everywhere. I tended to go for the most angst-y lyrics possible. Look at me, world, I have so much angst! And boy did I show them! 
• I had an awful boyfriend when I was 17. There were many terrible things about him, but one thing that was particularly bad was the smell of his pants. It was like that funky smell that you get in your clothes when they don't dry/air-out properly, but they also kinda smelt metallic. I thought this was okay for some reason. 
• I will study harder next term! 
• A few years ago I was all about the hippie pants. I thought they made me look worldly and would make me feel comfortable. Really, they just made me look like a slob. But I was a comfortable slob! 
• I liked t-shirts with 'witty' phrases.
• OMG I loved Ed Hardy. lol jk. 
• I was convinced that organisation was exponentially beneficial. No no no no no. Making lists about making lists and having meetings about having meetings will never produce anything tangible except more lists and empty coffee cups. 
• One day I was in the tropics and I had a terrible time with a banana. Then I didn't eat bananas for a whole year. That was dumb. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• There are parks in this country that have these 'inversion table' things. I often call them 'upside-down-bench-thingies'. I like them heaps. My friend thinks that this means I have autism because I like the vestibular motion. I think that he's smart, but sometimes he's wrong. 
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory has given everyone unrealistic expectations about the tour of any chocolate factory. Anywhere. Forever. 
• Recently I saw a guy vomit on the subway. That was kinda up there. He was hungover/still drunk. It reminded me of the time when I chundered in a gondola for the same reason. I felt like I should have told him about this and then maybe he wouldn't have felt so alone. 

Here's a video which I hand-picked for you:

Okay. That's all.

Cheerio

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Liztips: Round I

Hi. Here are some Liztips. Liztips are life tips brought to you by Liz.


After reading this you will probably become much more awesome than you were before.


You're welcome.

• Normal lines at the supermarket are sometimes shorter than those 'express' lines. Humbling, or ironic?
• Never underestimate liquidity. 
• To climb up stairs really quickly, you could just run. That would be boring. Try using all your limbs.
• If you're wanting to scratch an itch, use something sharp. Using a motorcycle helmet is not ideal.
• If you're thirsty, you WILL want two drinks. Most people go to the kitchen because they realise that they need hydration. So you get a beverage and skull it. Then you go and sit your arse back on the couch. But you were so thirsty before that one drink doesn't cut it, so you have to get up and get another one. ALWAYS bring one back to the couch with you first time. Come on kids, it's not difficult. I call this the 'two drink rule'. Simple, but effective.
• If you really hate someone, teach them to recognise bad kerning.
• If you're a dinosaur, three horns are always better than two. 
• 'I'll pick up those next time' is not always the best philosophy when referring to tampons.
• Monopoly. ORANGE STREETS. Every time. 
• You may think that fruit for pudding is boring. It is. 
• I've told you this before, but you should still always know where your towel is. 
• If you see a Christmas sweater and it's not Christmas time, buy it anyway. Soon, it will be a Christmas and you will have more fun in an appropriately-themed sweater. 

On the triceratops 


Some people think the triceratops isn't actually a real dinosaur. This is slander, and you shouldn't believe them. Here's why the triceratops is my favourite dinosaur: 

• You know how I just told you that three horns are better than two? Well... 
• Four legs are also better than two. 
• Here's a quote from some famous palentologist guy: "It is hard to walk out into the Hell Creek Formation and not stumble upon a Triceratops weathering out of a hillside." MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. 
• They were covered in bristles. None of this 'feather' shit that other dinosaurs had.
• This little guy was ok. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• Never put yoghurt potles in with your school books. Exploding yoghurt not only ruins school books, but it will also ruin the rest of your day. 
• Ham and cheese sandwiches = the quiet achiever of the sandwich world. Unpretentious, yet classic and effective.
• You know the voice of Optimus Prime and voice of Eeyore‽ SAME GUY. I'm not even kidding. For the record, Eeyore is the biggest fun sponge. Here are some aweful things Eeyore says: "After all, what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow."    "There are those who will wish you good morning. If it is a good morning, which I doubt."
• Watch this. 

I hope you're having a great day. I might have some more Liztips for you another day.

Take care

Liz Tritops

xoxo