Liztips: Round III

Here are some more tips from me that will improve your life!


For the first two rounds of Liztips, click here and here. 

• When writing a To-Do List, always write some things which you have already done so you have things to cross-off. NEVER FAIL! 
• Always do your laundry before you pack. Otherwise you have to unpack your packing, and launder your laundry, then re-pack. FUCK.
• When you buy birthday presents for people, always buy something for yourself, because if they can have something nice, then so can you! uR w0rTh iT, GuRL xoxo
• Drink whiquila. Whisky and tequila is the perfect mixture of angry and horny. You should shot it to Eye of the Tiger, or maybe Blaze of Glory or something similar. 
• Never live somewhere where you can't pee freely in your own backyard. (Sean's dad told Sean. Then Sean told me!)
• Whenever you're home alone, eat mac 'n' cheese with a glass of milk. If it worked for Kevin McCallister, it will work for you. 
• Never buy apples in bulk bags of 52. They're small, shitty, and the bag is like a bruise machine. 
• Salt is not the opposite of sugar. Nor is sugar the opposite of salt. 
• Don't have two beers and then sit on the bus for an hour. Your bladder is not that big.
• Listen to Nickelback just so you know that you should never listen to Nickelback. 
• Potato on pizza = Better than expected. 
• Call things by old names like 'worsted' and 'haberdashery' and 'nightertale' then people might think you're from the late middle ages (or even that you're an alien!). This is always a fun game. 
• Hate Florida until it gives you a reason to like it. 
• Hate mowing the lawn until it gives you a reason to like it.
• Be skinny because society tells you to. And....go!

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Do leprechauns make leprechaun-sized shoes or people-sized shoes? Don't go try telling me leprechauns don't exist. 
• Kine is the plural of cow‽‽
• Flo Rida is from Florida. See what he did there? 
• The next post will be in the form of Power Point Presentation. WOOOOOP!!!
• Shortbread is from the 12th century. Why the fuck are we still eating it? Bleck.
• WATCH THIS NOW PLEASE

The internetz is funny. Look:

While it says 'Resolved Question', there was no suitable answer at all. Hmm.

Gotta go. It's Saturday night and I'm obviously doing exciting things.

Laterzzzzz

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Used To Be A Little Person

I had a childhood. I'm probably still in my childhood. Sometimes I think, why should I be a grownup when it's better to be a growndown?


Here are a few of the reasons why I am who I am today:

• My father built a big fort for my two brothers and I to play on in our backyard. It was a balmy spring day (maybe?) and the chickens were running around in the garden (maybe?) and the smell of juniper ignited in the air (not. I don't even know what juniper smells like, and it probably doesn't 'ignite'. Whatever. I have artistic license.) We were playing pirates on the fort. We had a cat named Flossy, and since she was a cat, and all pirate ships have cats, we MUST include her in our game. Cat went aboard. It was afternoon tea time, and we didn't want Flossy to run away (that bitch would) and there was a handy rope which was hanging from the side of the fort. So we tied her to it. By the neck. Cats aren't that smart sometimes, so she jumped. Well. FUCK.
• One of the best things about being a little person was the consistant encouragement to play with crayons, paint, and Oobleck. Most kids create with reckless abandon. I struggled to paint the most basic of pictures. I would paint rows of dots instead of real pictures. No one ever told me that this was stupid, so I still don't know how to draw.  

• I had a friend when I was six and his name was Stephen. He was a little shit. One day, he said to me 'let's burn the school down'. I thought it would be a great idea to say yes, even though I secretly liked school when he, nonsecretly, hated it. So I brought a packet of matches to school the next day (I had no idea how to light fires). During play-time, Stephen told me he was going to tell our teacher that she was 'in for a big surprise', i.e. devestating, school destroying, people killing, arson. Instead, he went and told her I had matches and I wanted to burn the school down. Then I got in trouble, but not heaps of trouble...I had just never really been in trouble before so I thought it was a massive amount of trouble when really, it wasn't. Then I went home and cried and was given banana, brown sugar, and cinnamon on toast and that's how my food issues started. LOL kidding. At least I never tried my hand at arson again.
• I was three and I found a crayon. I decided the crayon should go up my nose. I put it there and it got stuck. My parents found it one day because they could smell it rotting.
• One day, my mum packed us honey sandwiches for lunch. Well...she thought they had honey in them. Mother had put some lard from cooking a chicken or something into a creamed honey container and had given us fat sandwiches. Cool, mum, real cool.
• I never had a tamagotchi. Well, not the standard ones. You know the ones that are babies, cats, or dogs and they poo and you have to feed them every ten minutes or they die...yeah. Not those ones. I had a saucer man instead. Does anyone out there know WTF I'm talking about? It was a little alien dude that you had to look after, and the tagline was 'An Intergalactic Quest to Save His Species'. You got to play space-themed games and make sure his ship was maintained. It was weird. It looked a little bit like the thing I just drew, featured below the thing I just wrote. 
  I love how there's a little key chain thingy. I guess it's so you can attach the Saucer Man to your cargo pants and take it everywhere with you. Or maybe it's for all the keys that you carry around as an eight year old. Also, eyes do no look like eyes because there's a damn screen in the way. The screen is where you can see the actual alien, which is weird because it's like an alien inside an alien. 

• The Game of Life was probably the most educating board game of my childhood. Pretty much, if you get the best salary, you will win, regardless of your house and your wife (she's in the kitchen I guess) and all the other things. Monopoly was great and probably the most realistic (it teaches us that capitalism is awesome, right?) but it got a little tiring winning all the time. Hint: Orange streets.
• Slowly but surely, I learned that if you eat too much at Christmas time, you won't be hungry until Boxing Day dinner. BUT YOU HAVE TO EAT ALL THE LEFTOVERS IN THE FRIDGE ASAP!!!  First world problem?
• Robbers are so much more scary than monsters under the bed, because robbers exist and monsters don't. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Fridges great. They keep things cold. FOR TWENTY YEARS. ALL THE TIME. 
• I feel like baristas fit into three categories. 1)   Flirty       2)    Platonic      3)   Wants to be flirty, but is just platonic.      Please prove me wrong. 
• People often say shit like 'you're gonna love it!' about specific things to me and then I automatically want to hate whatever 'it' is, just to prove them wrong. Especially if they just met me so how the hell do they even know what I like? Example: 'OMG Liz, I just saw Grown Ups. You're gonna love it. It's soooooo funny I LOVE ADAM SANDLER SO I BET YOU LOVE HIM TOO LOL.' Go die in the face. 
• WATCH THIS!

OK I'M DONE NOW.

I hoped you enjoyed reading.

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Want a Furze-Pig

Hedgehogs in New Zealand are a little manky and brown and diseased and boring. In Oregon, you can keep them as pet and they come in all kinds of colours. My roommate decided that she wants a pet hedgehog. Here's why I am on the same page:

• They are quite small.
• We don't have to walk it everyday, but if we wanted to we could, because this is Portlandia.
• They are lactards which is great because it means more milk for me! You know how I feel about milk.
• This one time I saw a hedgehog doing circles in the middle of the road back home. It had a yoghurt pottle stuck on it's head and it was gonna die for sure because it couldn't see anything. Yeh. I saved it's life. I SAVED A HEDGEHOG. Now I must save all the hedgehogs. This could potentially turn into a bad episode of animal hoarders, you know the show which is always about some old lesbian couple who rescue and then keep a million trillion dogs in their backyard, and a giraffe, and they think that life is better for everyone when really, those dogs would wanna kill themselves.
• Hedgehogs have spikes.
• These spikes aren't poisonous . 
• They are mostly nocturnal which is great, because I feel like I can train our hedgehog to be a guard hedgehog. People will freak out coz it has spikes. Maybe I can make the spikes poisonous and rig up a contraption controlled by a sensor which catapults hedgehogs at intrudors over my moat. Yeh I have a moat.  
• Could potentially start a collection of spined animals, including but not limited to: porcupines, spiny mice, scorpion fish, puffer fish, and sandslash(s?) (What's the plural of sandslash? I don't fucking know. Not enough emphasis is placed on teaching the plural/singular forms of Pokémon.) When people ask me if I have any pets, I can say 'yeah, but only the spiky ones'. I've always wanted to say that.
• Hedgehogs are also called furze-pigs. I quite like that.
• Having a gold fish would be easier, but just because it's easy doesn't mean you should do it. Like pissing in the shower.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Were people more into nipples in the nineties? You don't see nipples through shirts like you used to.
• I decided that I don't like sweet things on toast. Then these kids I work with told me about apple butter which I didn't know even existed. It took me forever to find it at the supermarket because I didn't know where it was. First I looked in the 'spreads and things' section and I couldn't find it so I looked in ALL the other places three times. This supermarket is quite large and I was frustrated, slightly hungeover, but still having a good time. Then I went back to the 'spreads and things' section and I found it down the very bottom right corner. It only came in massive jars. I brought a massive jar because, what's a nigger to do? I tried some on toast and I wasn't all that excited about it. So I told my colleagues that it didn't BLOW MY MIND, and they told me to eat it WITH butter. I did that, and it was better. Still not amazing though. My main problem: I'm eating apple butter with butter. I may as well be eating butter with butter on butter butter with a side of butter. Yah know? 
• Were monocles the thing they had before glasses? So did you get dudes going round wearing two monocles? I know it looks silly, it could have happened, and it could have been awesome.  
• WATCH THIS!

Loveyoubye

Liz Tritops

xoxo