Dreams are Free, Bitchez!

I wrote this when I was drunk. It could be the worst thing you will ever read. I hope not!


Here are some things I wish for:

• I wish I could draw. I don't think I would ever want to be a serious artist because they usually have fucked-up childhoods and are all dark and twisty on the inside. I just wish I were better than I was when I was six. Here's a fun Lizfact: Sometimes I didn't even draw pictures. I would just draw rows of coloured dots. Maybe I lacked imagination, maybe I have OCD. 
• I wish peanut butter didn't stick to the top of my mouth.
• I wish my flatmate knew where Montana was and that New Hampshire was a state. 
• I wish I could fold fitted sheets. And non-fitted sheets. I don't even understand how people can fold things which are three-times their size. 
• I wish I didn't have the hangovers of a 40 year-old.
• I wish I had more dreams. Apparently we all have around five dreams per night or some shit but I never remember mine, and if I do they're always in black and white.  This makes me a little sad. I'm gonna try and eat heaps and heaps of cheese before I go to bed and then maybe I will dream more. Then I can make a graph of cheese-eating relative to dream clarity. It will be a cute science experiment and I'm a nerd. 
• I wish more people used the interrobang. It was created to fill a gap in our punctuation system. Let's fill that gap, dammit!
• I wish I were as brilliant as Jon Favreau.
• I wish the yummy cereals with all the sugar didn't try to rip your mouth apart. 
• I wish there were more traffic circles here. Or roundabouts. Whatever you call 'em. 
• I wish my eggs and toast were always ready at the same time.
• I wish I didn't find cigarettes so enjoyable.
• I wish everyone knew that Batman was better than all the other superheroes. 
• I wish...you know when it's snowed for real and it's night-time but it's not super dark but all bluey and weird outside because the darkness is reflecting on the snow. Or something. And the air  smells crisp and clean and everything is more quiet. Yeah. I wish for that. 
• I wish more people had a favourite dinosaur.
• I wish I could have a dog. Right now.
• I wish it were more common to wear nice hats and gloves. Especially for men.
• I wish I didn't fuck around waiting for my tea to be cold enough to drink then BAM it's really cold so I have to make another one.
• I like yoga. I really do. I wish they didn't say things which verge on being ridiculous and which make me wanna giggle, like 'take a moment to thank yourself for honoring your commitment this space and your body today.' Seriously. You two in the corner: You saw each other yesterday, so why are you doing the whole-body hug with eyes closed thing? It's as if you just survived being eaten by a bear in the woods and you ran separate ways, but you made it to yoga just in time and you're seeing each other again for the first time. Alive.                                                                                   I just want to stretch and maybe feel a little fuzzy on the inside, and be a little less fat. 
• I wish I knew the difference between port, starboard, bow, and stern. You know the game Captain's Coming? I was such a little sheep.
• I wish they didn't make a Mighty Ducks 3. 
• I wish for cheesecake. Right now.
• I wish Pluto wasn't kicked out of the planet club. I feel bad for that little guy.
• I wish roller blades were perpetually cool. Kinda like skateboards. Because I think they deserve it.
• I wish more people knew that tofu tastes good. 
• I wish nuts were never added to chocolate.
• I wish we could pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. LOL JK. 
• I wish girls could wear ties and not look like lesbians or like they're tryna be punk rockers. I LIKE TIES, DAMMIT.
• I wish I could bump into the guy who writes Books of Adam. He lives in Portland and I think his name might be Adam. We could talk about fun things.
• I wish I had the time and constant supply of baking things to bake something perfect everyday and share it with YOU. 
• I wish that the cheese in America didn't just taste like texture. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I like how the homeless people here have dogs; the dogs look happy and not super hungry.
• All the men here are 30-ish or gay. I'm outa luck. You can shake an apple tree as much as you want, but you're never gonna get bananas to fall. I just made that up. You like it? Wisdom from Liz is called Lizdom. 
• Have you ever said 'I'm not hungry' to Grandma? Didn't think so. 
• This will either be the best part of your day or something else. Let's face it, you're not busy and important enough to say no to 1:42 of awesome. Watch it! 

I have to go to work now.

Have a good day!!! 

Liz Tritops

xoxo

More Things I DO NOT Have a Boner For

Hey you!


You know how much I love lists. I had to write another one. 
Here are some things I don't like. Maybe you don't like them either. 

• Folding fitted sheets. I raise a glass to anyone who can do this successfully without getting into the foetal position in the corner of the bedroom, filled with feelings of self-loathing and misery. I can't even fold non-fitted sheets. Clearly I am not a real grown-up. 
• When you know you have to get up really early in the morning so already you're missing out on sleep and you wake up 10 times in the night because you're worried about not getting up in time and you're all like 'OH FUCK IT'S 10.30AM AND I HAD TO BE ON THE PLANE AT 8AM SO MY LIFE IS OVER!' but it's only actually 4am so you can continue living, but you will be tired for the rest of the year. 
• Misuse of the words 'humbling' and 'ironic'. Unless it's ironic. 
• There are too many sandwich fillings in my sandwich. Logistical nightmare to eat. WHADUP first world problem. 
• The Dr Oz Show. Watch one episode and you will realise you have more than half of the symptoms of 22 different illnesses (including the 'c' word). You will definitely be dead soon, but don't worry, at least you're not one of the pre-menopausal mothers in the audience wearing different coloured pastel t-shirts. YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR PAPS SMEARED OR MAYBE YOU WILL EVEN DIE TOMORROW!
• Food with a paste texture. Pâté, wasabi, peanut butter, etc. I really wish I could eat peanut butter but I don't like the 'stuck to the inside of my mouth for ten minutes' feeling.
• There are more than 150 Pokemon. Stop it. Just stop. 
• Referring to a group as a 'crew'. However, if you're on water or in outer-space then this is ok. 
• Every time I'm in bed I lose my phone somewhere within the pillows/sheets/blankets/my one teddybearcowthing and it takes 27 minutes for me to find it. 
• When rice risotto is the only vegetarian option on the menu. ANYTHING but rice risotto would be fine. 
• When you think you can parallel park into a space that's slightly too small so you try and park and you fuck it up and you look like a huge dick in front of ALL THE OTHER CARS.
• Kony 2012.
• Ignore that. I'm not getting political on here. 
• If you press the 'I want to cross the road' button a million times will make the little green man come up faster. It's true. 
• Wind. It's as if the whole atmosphere is angry at your entire body for doing nothing wrong. It's harder to walk and impossible to have nice hair. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Remember: Always know where your towel is. 
• What the fuck is Yahtzee and does anyone in the world even play it? 
• I might not know how to fold sheets, but at least I don't spit when I talk. 
• South Korea. Better than North Korea? 
• Here's something you should watch. 

Thanks for stopping by.

Have a good week!

Liz Tritops 

xoxo

My 100 Favorite Things - Part IV

Hey you! 

This is the final part of my 100 Favourite Things. It turned out to be 112, because I really really like many things. 

1. Feeding the ducks.
2. Men with puppies. 
3. Irish accents. Please find me a man with an Irish accent who is holding a puppy while feeding the ducks. 
4. Venn diagrams and flowcharts. I believe anything can be explained with these.
5. Triceratops. Don't try and tell me it's not actually a dinosaur anymore. Wank torosaurus wank. I also like the stegosaurus, pterodactyl, and pachycephalosaurus. They're the ones who bang their heads when they fight. KEWL. 2 xctd 4 vwls OMG!!!
6. Eating cereal any time of the day. I think cereal for dinner > cereal for breakfast. 
7. Coffee. 
8. Ice hockey. 
9. Michael Cera. Especially in this outfit.  
10. Cheese. If you eat cheese at least once per day you get a point. 
11. Animals doing people things. Examples: Monkeys smoking cigars, guinea pigs on skateboards,  cats sitting like humans, dogs playing poker, etc. Oh, and here is a chimp riding on a segway.  
12. Lego. I liked the older stuff better; the pirate lego was the coolest. I always wanted the massive pirate ship but never got it. First world problems right thur. 
13. Vikings. The only reason Scandinavia is so developed is because they're all vikings. 
14. People-watching. Anywhere, anytime, I will be watching. 
15. If it's at the supermarket, I will definitely be watching AND judging. I love to look in peoples trollies to see what they're getting. If you're getting MONSTER energy drink (you have to yell 'MONSTER'), pre-made pizza, Lynx, Nutri Grain (CORN!!! OATS!!! WHEAT!!! SUGAR!!!), or the TV Guide, then I am probably better at life than you.  
16. The idea that some guy in the 1970s  thought up the idea of a pet rock and he grabbed this idea with both hands and ran with it. 
17. Those two little indents that some people have above their bum.
18. Aeroplane food. I know it's weird. I like it because you never know what you're gonna get. Also, everything comes in it's own little container. 
19. Only washing a pair of jeans three or four times EVER because they feel more comfy a little loose and slightly dirty. 
20. When you wake up a few seconds before your alarm goes off. MAGIC! 
21. Hacky-sac. I don't understand why it isn't perpetually kewl. 
22. Mushrooms. Fun guys. 
23. Laughing at a weird/annoying/funny/angry stranger with another stranger. 
24. When you witness irony. In real-life. Like that one time I saw a massive banana walking down the street and then he slipped on a tiny person skin. 
25. Combine harvesters. They pretty much shit out hay. I almost grew up on a farm, so yeah... I know all about farm machinery and sheep and other things. 
26. Dulce de leche. 
27. Black panthers. Not these guys. They were ok...I guess. I'm talking about THESE guys. 
28. Paintings by Piet Mondrian and other art that's not really pictures. 
29. Putting on underwear (or anything else) after it's come out of the dryer. This should be mandatory on winter mornings. 

LOOK! I made some diagrams to explain some important things. 

I'm gonna go watch the Rangers win now. You know I like hockey.

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops xoxo

1.    

Children's Instruments, Culture Shock, and Other Things

I Want to Start a Band 


Sometimes I tell hipsters that I'm a solo gongist. As in, I play the gong. Just me and my gong. No other instruments. This is me telling a lie. But I feel like it's justified because THEY FUCKING LOVE IT.


I have a better idea. 
Start a band. 
With children's instruments. 
This band will be a five-piece featuring the following instruments:

• Kazoo - cool word. The inventor didn't know if it was an instrument or toy. Perfect. According to Wikipedia, 'different sounds can be made by singing different syllables such as doo, who, rrrrr or brrrr into the kazoo'. Doowhorrrbrrr. 
• Triangle. Things with three sides are better than things with any other number of sides. 
• Xylophone or glockenspiel - both are cool words, especially glockenspiel. (I like german words which are used in english.) 
• Tambourine. 
• Melodica. You know that little piano thingy that you blow into. 
• The band will also feature a llama. Just chillin'. On stage. 

That's all. 


Culture Tingles


It's not like culture shock, because it's not as if someone tried to steal my baby or I'm crying and sleeping excessively because I need to escape. When that happens, you guys will be the first to know! 


So far I have had the following tingles:

• I find it hard to comprehend that 100 pennys make a dollar. You need 100 of them. For a dollar. 100!!!
• I ate a 'small' burrito the other day which was the size of my head. How big is a 'large'?
• I said 'two' to the lady at the cafe and she thought I said 'toast' and it was VERY confusing and took around 2.3 minutes to clear up. LANGUAGE BARRIER. 
• I cannot believe that children get their vitamins through gummy bears. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• When you get rid of the fur on a cat, there's almost nothing left. Shit. 
• It's 1949. We're hanging out, just you and me, having a beer or two. I bring Stalin over for a few. Are you mad at me? Honestly, he's a good guy. I swear! 
• Velociraptors were the size of turkeys. And they had feathers. Ew. 
• I CAN NOT WAIT for the olympics. 
• Watch this.  

Next week I'm gonna start a fun little segment. It will be called 'I heard a hipster say...'
Look forward to it! 


Byebye


Liz Tritops


xoxo