I Like The Bus, Okay‽

I usually catch the bus 10 times a week.

There are a few times I really hate catching the bus. I hate it when it gets invaded by 30 children. I only like interracting with children on my terms, and even then I only like some of them. I'm hoping like hell that I like my own children. 
I hate waiting in the cold. 
Yesterday while I was waiting for the bus, homeless guy #1 brought a cigi off homeless guy #2. #2 was mad because #1 only gave him 11 cents. Then #2 dropped a penny on the ground and when I told him he dropped some money he said "I don't want a fucking penny, even I'm not that desperate!" He looked at me like I was the one with all the problems. Next he mutters about how the going rate for a cigarette is at least 25 cents and he simply won't accept less. Then he kicked the penny further away and I said I was just trying to help out then he (accidently?) threw the wine out of his cup and towards me. So that was fun.
I always try and make sense of situations like this. Yah-know. The how and the why. Then I remind myself that I may never understand alcoholism or this particular guy's mental illness.

I catch the bus but I don't hate it anymore.

• Sometimes I find notes. I'm doing this thing where I pick up notes that I find. Usually it's at the supermarket (shopping lists yay!) or in cafes or on the bus or anywhere else really. I'm going to compile the more interesting ones and make a book out of them and make approximately a million and three dollars. Here's something I once found on the bus:

First there was a list: 

- Vanilla yoghurt
- Hummus
- Pita bread
- Crystal light 
- Cereal 
- Milk

Then there were words of inspiration:

Caress. In a world where you can be anything...Be yourself. 
There is only one happiness in life - to love and be loved. - George Sand
* Money might make you wealthy, but friends make you RICH. 

Next, there was this: 

Some people have too many feelings. 

Followed by some terrible song lyrics:

My nigga I'm a beast
I can go 30 days and nights I no sleep
Like the mice in the streets
The only meal that I see everyday is my cheese
I don't think you can catch up
Keep up, hey, keep up, hey. 

There was some more stuff. too. 

First critique: What kind of cereal?
Second critique: Nice Akon song, guuurl. (I guess the cheese reference was okay...)

Am I a creeper keeping other peoples' notes? Eek. 

• Maybe I can pretend that I live in a really big and exciting city where unless you are superrich and have your own driver, everyone takes public transport. Then I don't feel like 90% of the people on the bus are below the poverty line. 
• People-watching.
• Sometimes I having a competition to see who has the nicest hair on the bus. Sometimes it's me. This isn't saying much.
• Another competition: Try to make the bus driver smile.
• I didn't catch the bus I would never read.
• People are so effing weird. When the bus pulled up to pick me up on Friday, there was a strange-looking bald man also waiting. As the bus arrived, he muttered to himself (maybe to me also?) "I'm a fucking genius!" And I'm like...riiiiiight. Takes a genius to figure out when the bus is going to come. Then he did that thing where he got off the bus two stops up the road. Yes I am judging him. He waited for the bus longer than it would have taken him to walk there. And it wasn't even raining! 
• On the same bus ride, some punk kid walks up to the rubbish bin and hoikes up a loogie. So the bus driver says in a southern/rural drawl: "Do that again and you're gon' have to get off this bus!" He was probably just rural, because I feel like southerners with thick accents might never leave the south. They're too busy trying to pray the gay away. So guy who spat in the bin starts eating something out of his hand. He's literally licking his hand. Like a 10-year-old with Raro back in 1998. Remember that phase? I do. It was odd. Also, all his clothes were two sizes to big. People are fascinating. 
• Then I passed the sign that reads 'Stone Cutters'. Whenever I used to look up at that sign I would usually think of that stonecutters episode from The Simpsons, and now I always think of that episode, since whenever I see that sign, I'm reminded that I used to think of that stonecutters episode. If you get my drift.
• So that's what happened that day.
• If I ever say 'I don't believe in using cars' (which I may never say) then I won't be a hypocrite. I actually do believe that cities should be built for people and not cars. Go Portland. People in Portland who complain about the system can go suck it. Try living in Auckland with no car.
• I kind of like awkward situations with strangers. 
• I like to stare out the window.

So that's the bus.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• You guys might not be the right people to deal with this, but the light in the laundry room for my apartment works on a sensor. Sometimes it doesn't switch on for up to 45 seconds, and I'm standing in a dark empty room waving my hands about like a sad weirdo. 
• I don't get this whole 'Spotify' thing.
• I mean, I guess I get it. I just don't want people knowing when I'm listening to power ballads. Hint: I'm listening to power ballads Right. Now.
• Watch this.

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas.

Cheerio

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Like Television

Quite some time ago I wrote about why I really love a show called Hoarders. To be honest, I have quite a soft spot for television that I know is crap, but it's the best kind bad television, so in my books, it's beaten the odds and it's actually good.
I have only just come to terms with admitting that I love some television that maybe I shouldn't. As an educated 23-year-old, I should be doing more productive things with my time. Maybe I should be reading Dostoyevsky, writing essays, or applying for real jobs. 

Generally crap television can only be categorised as 'worst' and 'best'. Don't give me any of that 'middle-ground' noise. Here goes:

The Worst Crap Television

• Ice Road Truckers. Every episode is the same and it is like this: "My name is Earl and I'm a trucker. 10-4. I'm tough because I drive the biggest truck AND I drive it in Alaska! I carry so much spool pipe today but it's okay because I have dose 'heavy load' signs. The weather might do something bad today and shit! Look! ICE! 10-100. Gotta eat me a burger." Repeat for six seasons. Six. Seasons. 
• Teen Mom
• Here Comes Honey Boo Boo 
• Anything about a real housewife from anywhere. They're just so...real. 
• MTV's Made
• Tool Academy
• Room Raiders
• Date My Mom
• The Next Bus

The Best Crap Television

• Hoarders. I already wrote about that. If you haven't read it, then here's the link. 
• Extreme Couponing. One of the main value points I find in this show is that it makes me hate couponing so much that I will never feel bad about not saving any coupons, even if the coupon is for something I really would buy. Which is not often. Because these coupons never seem to be for real food. 
• RuPaul's Drag Race. More 'personality' than you can shake a stick at. 
• My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Trying to understanding all the hypocrisies and intricacies of their religion/culture thang baffles me. Plus, the accents are so bad that they are almost good. 
• Amish in the City. This is why: My understanding is that Amish people are able to take 'a year off' to experience city life. I am under the impression that during this year they are can partake in any kind of debauchery that they care for. When this year comes to an end, they have to decide wether to return to their Amish village or never go back and be disowned by their family. Apparently TLC is starting a new show called Breaking Amish - similar to Amish in the City I believe. It might be good! 
• Airline (British version, bitch please). This is why: Travellers turn into monsters and they are great to watch. They are often tired and irrational and many of them have awful accents. Despite them being on the telly, sometimes their hair looks worse than mine. Liz: 1 Passangers: 0. 
• Addendum: They're flying with EasyJet. Liz: 1 Passangers: -1. 
• Both Flavor of Love and the popular spin-off I Love New York. I find it fascinating to watch a show where the main cast member and most of the contestants are disgusting, dysfunctional, and they're looking for  'love'. Highlight: When the contestants receive their nicknames. Priceless. Other highlight: Buckwild. Other highlight: When Somthin' shits on the floor. 
• Cops. It's a classic.
• Wife Swap. For me this is a great example of a show that finds families who are polar opposites and puts them together in an attempt to shake the apple tree. Mums be crazy. One of my favourite scenes is watching this poor girl try and hit rocks with a golf club. She is not allowed toys for some reason so she has to make her own fun. Sad, yet uplifting. She seems happy enough. Here's a video of crystal rock smashing.
• Brat Camp. These kids really don't know how to hike. At all. Some of them are actually quite witty. I used to watch it as a teenager when my parents were in the room in the hope that they would realise that I wasn't a complete shit like the kids from Brat Camp. 
• Beauty and the Geek. I think it's really nice when they become friends. I hope it's real. 
• Made in Chelsea - Could easily be compared to The Hills. Set in London; primarily Chelsea. Characters are sleek, and much more sophisticated than their American counterparts. They are genuinely hilarious and less back-stabby so I have yet to lose faith in the entire human race. MIC sometimes makes me feel a bit shit about myself though. They are all heirs to some kind of fortune (they seem to be entrepreneurs on the side though, and I think this is because they want to give off the impression that they are self-made), they have good genes and better jeans. Essentially, I want their lives. 

Some people would say that reality television makes you dumb. I think that sometimes you can learn things. Things I have learned from Made in Chelsea:

• If you are a girl you must have a Chloé bag, but it must be in a different colour to all your friends' Chloé bags. 
• I want a man who plays polo. Mostly so I have more opportunity to say the word 'polo', but when I do I can say it more like 'pouloow'.
• "Fake tan is probably the most offensive thing in the world."
• If I go out on a Tuesday night then I'm a 'sad weirdo'. Sunday night, however, is a more than acceptable date night. 
• A bi best friend is 'the cheap equivalent of the gay best friend.'
• "Roald Dahl didn't write Winnie the Pooh, darling."
• "Food? Chelsea girls don't eat!" 
• Every social situation must include either champagne or a cocktail. Regardless of the place or hour. 

The most perplexing moment in reality television for me has been trying to figure out if Bret Michaels has real hair. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• Do you know what I miss? Clouds that are shapes. Portland is either all grey sky or all blue sky. And I'm all thinking come on, sky! You're always the same! BE DIFFERENT. READY, GO!!! 
• Some animals like the Siberian salamander and a few kinds of frogs can survive being frozen for a long time! Maybe when I grow up, I wanna be an amphibian. 
• Watch this! It's the best. Fucking. Love. Sponges. 

I will write again this week.

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo

These Things Don't Exist

Some people love conspiracy theories and believe all kinds of noise like that the moon landing didn't happen and hey, while we are at it, neither did 9/11. Now, I am neither a rocket scientist nor a demolitions expert so I feel uninformed to start a fight. If you try and tell me with 100% certainty that the moon landing didn't happen, for shizzle, then I'm gonna be all like how the fuck do you know?  You're not a rocket scientist and neither am I, and you're probably going to get a bit of a slap.  Let's talk about big cats because they definitely exist and they're okay in my books. 

Having said that, there are some things out there which I think are fabricated. 

Here's my list of things that don't actually exist: 

• Arabian Days. It just went from night to night because why else would they make so many stories?
• The hour between 10pm and 11pm. So I'm all like I have a bedtime and it should be somewhere between 10pm and 11pm so I can continue to be a normal human-being where I sleep at night-time and am active during the day. (I would love to be crepuscular, but one time I tried that and it was quite weird. More on that another day). So I'm all: BITCHEZ NEED SLEEP. It's 9.59pm and time to maybe start thinking about this 'bed' thing and I know that in a mere one minute it will be 11pm. This is because somewhere between watching the end of an episode of Community and brushing my teeth and making one more cup of tea and laughing a little bit with my flatmate (maybe about portmanteaus or boyz?) and sitting on the edge of my couch with my knees all tucked up into myself because it's warm and for some reason I'm wearing god-awful-yet-awesome velvet pants which I literally just want to touch and right now I don't know what a comma is. I mean, I'm fucking comfortable, and despite knowing my bed will be more comfortable, you just try telling me that right now. Suddenly, it's well passed 11pm that hour actually didn't exist. 
• Legitimate inspiration for the song 'Holla back girl'. This shit is bananas. B A N A N A S. Fuck yes. 
• A bad time to drink tea. Every time of the day is tea time.  
• Stupid Germans. Logically, they should exist. But you haven't ever met one, have you? Didn't think so...
• Good dubstep must be the best oxymoron.
• Apparently there's a swimming stroke that goes by the name 'butterfly'. For one, butterflies fly, they don't swim, so it's a bit fucked. Just like how people believe that the moon landing was a kinda expensive movie made for a television audience obsessed with being better than the commies, I think this so-called swim stroke was made up for an Olympic television audience obsessed with seeing swimmers do something that was impossible, looks funny, and is quite inefficient. 
• Me coming up with a succinct and honest answer to the question 'so...what kind of music do you like?' The kind of music I like is lots of things, but more than anything I like it when you don't ask me that. It's a 'me' problem and not a 'you' problem. I guess I just haven't figured out a way to explain to people that I like reggaeton and Matchbox Twenty and Westlife without people thinking I am a musical shithead. But I like other music too! 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I love Christmas and Home Alone so much that I just listened to all the music from that movie, including the song that goes: 'diing ding ding diing baa ba ba baa, and then 'laa da da da laa da da da'. You know the one. I pretty much feel like setting booby traps NOW so my home doesn't get broken into. Then I remember that home is where the heart is and I don't really have a heart so it's all good. Kidding. To be real, once I finally acquire a Christmas sweater, no one can touch my shit because I will be so freaking contagiously wholesome. That's a rule. 
• I'm a little bit tipsy so I'm sorry if this is shit for you to read. 
• Wouldn't it be cool if you had a mask you put on when it was sunny and the mask was a Batman mask, and then you got tanned so you had a Batman tan lines. Then, not only do you look like you could be Batman, but you also look like you know how to holiday. 
• You actually must watch this. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. But mostly happy! 

Okay I have to go now

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo