Halloween 101

Hi Halloween

You're mostly new to me because:

1) I'm from a small and isolated island which struggles to celebrate things with gusto. Sometimes we try to copy American traditions because we see them on the telly and we think they might be fun, but we kinda suck at it. 
2) One of the main halloween activities, Trick-or-treating, was never allowed by Mother. This is because she is 55% CrazyChristian. Don't worry though, she's also a nice lady. Some other parents just thought it was rude to bang on peoples' doors asking for lollies. Fairplay. 

I think I really like Halloween, I just need to find out for sure. Is 23 too old to start Trick-or-treating? Here's my take on it: In Halloween years, I'm an infant. So if anything, I'm too young to be Trick-or-treating. I will go with my friend who is sufficiently small that she can look like a child if she tries hard enough. Pigtails? Scrunchies? Child-like voice? Over-excitement about candy? Tonight, we ARE young! 
Mean Girls taught me to dress like a slut for Halloween. Am I going to? No. I think I will be Mario. I look good with a moustache. I would wear one everyday if society would allow it. 

Here are some things that have confused me about Halloween thus far:
- I had no idea that there were special pumpkins for carving and people grew them in patches. I don't know how to carve pumpkins but I'm excited! My friend and I went to a pumpkin patch on this island close to Portland. A highlight was seeing cute Asians taking cute photos of a cute puppy in amongst many tiny pumpkins. It was like Where's Wally? but instead it was 'Where's Puppy?'. Except that it wasn't as difficult as Where's Wally? because puppy looked nothing like pumpkins, and puppy wouldn't stay still.  (So really it wasn't like Where's Wally? at all. Bah. I guess I just wanted it to be.) I was classy and took a photo of Asians taking photos. METAMETA. Another highlight was seeing more than five white trash people. I enjoy this because it makes me feel good about myself. 
- How can something that looks and feels like plastic taste so good? Yeah, candy corn. I'm talking about you! 
- So many things to buy! Look at these 'humorous' pet costumes. I haven't tried much of all the Halloween-specific candy, and, to be honest, right now I'm scared that there is too much candy and not enough time. This is where I become desperate and start doing things like finding recipes for candy corn smoothies, and subsequently turning something which is supposed to be healthy for you into a request for diabetes.   
- I had heard the term 'hayride' before but I didn't really understand what it was. Turns out you just sit on top of some hay in the back of a truck. While this was perfectly satisfactory, and somewhat idilic, I did think it was going to be more racy and adventurous, like a Ferris wheel on hay bales, or like the Giant Drop, but you don't just drop a giant distance, you also land in a big pile of hay. This would probably be a bit shit if you have Hayfever, but I'm not allergic to anything so fuck the rest, right? If you try telling me that 'Hayfever isn't actually caused by hay' in a wanky I-know-more-than-you voice, then I will just laugh at you for being allergic to pet dander, gluten, water, glucose, shells, fish, shellfish, and boys. And hay.
- Mischief night: Have you heard of it and do you do mischief? Supposedly it's an excuse to run around and do slightly bad things, but only on the night before Halloween. 
- Pumpkin-flavoured everything! TEA! COFFEE! PIES! BREAD! CREAM CHEESE! VODKA! BEER! PUMPKINGASM! 

I am acting as a Halloween protégé for my flatmate. She is excited because not only does she love Halloween, but she also gets to make me do many fun things with her. Essentially, it's a massive win-win. 'They' tell me that part of the Halloween experience is watching scary movies. Some of these movies make me feel funny. Every time I watch something involving torture I feel really icky. I don't know how normal people enjoy these movies. From now on, we are only allowed watch cute Halloween movies. Am I soft? Maybe.  

All of that aside, surely Halloween walks of shame are at least five times funnier. 

I'm giving Americana a gold star right now. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I think I will marry a Greek man. The main reason for this is so I can have a surname that sounds much more like a genus of dinosaur.
• I did that thing that I announced a few months ago, which was to run a half marathon. I had fun almost for the whole 21k and now I want to run 42k and maybe even more than that. Soon I will be Batman! 
• How do people think mazes are fun? There is nothing fun about getting lost and having to find your way. Yes, I know it's a 'game'. It's probably not that huge or that difficult, but what if you actually can't get out? 
• Watch this! You really must. 

Thanks for reading and I hope you have the BEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER! 

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Adventures in Whole Foods

Going to Whole Foods involves spending all your money on organic, gluten free, free range, and vegan things.You love all the animals as much as you love your leather boots, and you smoke your American Spirits because you love your country.

You feel healthy just walking inside!

Here are some things that happen at Whole Foods:

- Sometimes you see 'half foods' and 'quarter foods' or foods which are cut into even smaller pieces. 
- Yoga Mums with yoga bums in yoga pants.
- Their three-year-olds smell like antioxidants and have distinctly smoother skin than the three-year-olds one would see at Walmart.
- There are many under-employed hipsters. Don't worry, they still have their trust funds!
- One time I went up to the mezzanine level of whole foods and was given a tasty smoothie which I think they sell for $37.50. Inside of smoothie was bananas, dates, soy milk, and peanut butter. It was amazing. You should make it for $2.50 at home. 
- All of the cashiers don't actually believe in time. I know this because every time I wait in line, the cashier doesn't have any sense of this thing called 'urgency'. Too high? Maybe. I feel strongly that the novel concept of 'urgency' should be used when there is a queue-type situation happening.  See, normal, non-hipster people actually have things to do at certain times, thus allowing the world to work with more efficiency. This is why conversations should end once payment for groceries has been made. I know putting things in paper bags can be tricksy. It's harder than Tetris. But if I could do it when I was 15, then the good sir who looks 32 AND has intelligence in his eyes should be able to figure it out. 
- I just wasted an hour playing Tetris because that's how easily I get distracted. 
- All of the girl cashiers wear bandanas as headbands, because they haven't realised that all of them are doing it yet.
- Buy a 'Make your own kombucha!' kit! It only takes 30 days to make!
- Wait. Don't buy one. By the time it ferments, kombucha will be OVER.
- One time I got served by a guy whose name I know but will not mention. He has those thick-framed glasses that he doesn't actually need. Also, I can't work out if he is really young or really old if youknowwhatimean. It makes me feel funny. When he checked my I.D. he made some comment about how awesome it is that I'm from New Zealand because it's obviously the closest thing to paradise and how I'm so worldly, and how all his colleagues are really dumb because he bets 'none of them even know who Julian Assange is, but they're still allowed to vote'! He proceeds to talk to me about Julian Assange for five minutes while packing my groceries as slowly as possible so that he can finish his rant. I was late to be important. 
- It's okay because he's attractive. 
- Let's also buy bottled water for our dogs. French Bulldogs do deserve the best. 

Now all I want to do is run away to go work in a communal farm in Hawaii. Yes! I have three months for that...

Nothing further.

Have a great day

Liz Tritops

xoxo