How I Get Points

I play a game with myself to make life better.

Basically, I get a point for doing or seeing certain things. If I get 10 points, I get to eat icecream. This is fantastic, because I really like icecream.

How I accrue a point:

• I eat cheese. Note: If I eat more than one 'cheese unit' I don't get more than one point. 
• I see a squirrel.
• I see an animal which I have never seen before. Let's go to the zoo!
• I wake up just before my alarm goes off.
• I go for a run when it's dark and I don't get attacked by clowns, rapists, or drop bears.
• I think about someone who I never see and then I see them on the same day!
• I eat icecream.
• I get to say hello to a new dog that I haven't said hello to before.
• I see a penny farthing. 
• I see someone in a pinstripe suit. 
• I can hold my breath until the bus comes (usually I start holding my breath when the bus is between one and two minutes away). Yes I catch the bus sometimes. No I am not smelly or angry.
• I have i-Tunes on shuffle when there are people around and an embarrassing song doesn't play. 
• I see a man order a hot chocolate.
• I see a someone smoking a cigar.

See the 7th bullet point? Look what I did! So if I already have nine points then all I have to do is eat icecream then I get more icecream. WHADDUP GENIUS. 

I still haven't got to 10 points.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Party-pooper. That's a weird thing to say. Imagine someone who just goes into a party, shits on the floor, and then leaves. 
• I never had a rubber duck as a bath toy. Who even did? Was I missing out? Was a rubby ducky that quintessential of a bathtime play-thang? OMG bath toys existed! I haven't even thought about bath toys in years. I guess it's one of those thingys where if you are not a child and don't have one, you never talk about or even see bathtoys. Kids gotta play, right.
• Would chicken toes sell as well as chicken fingers?
• I really really really miss baking things. 
• What was up with this craze? 
• Watch this! It's real cute!

I gotta go now. 

Well, not really.

I don't have to work today. So I'm gonna sleep some more and watch Community and read and write. YAY!

Lots of love

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Liztips: Round II

I already wrote some Liztips. You can find them here. 


I thought of some more. 

• You CAN wear underwear for two days in a row. Just make sure you turn it inside out. 
• If you have turned on one of the elements on the stove but the thing you want to heat up hasn't heated up yet, you may have turned the wrong hot plate on. Waiting for 20 minutes and wondering why your water hasn't boiled won't help the situation. The little pictures by the dial on the stove are actually small maps of the stove top and indicate which dial corresponds to which hot plate. IT'S NOT THAT HARD, LIZ. 
• Let morons be morons. Simple yet effective. (I stole this from Rubbo. Hey Rubbo. I hope you don't mind.)
• If you go to bed drunk, don't take three bags of Cheez-Its and three bags of Fritos to bed because you will only eat one bag of Fritos. (I stole this from Reece. Hey Reece. I don't care if you do mind.)
• When out having fun at night time, cigarrettes and drinks cancel each other out.
• Also, when out having fun at night time, take as many photos of you and your friends as possible and post them on the book of faces the next day. You will look like you're having fun but you actually won't be having fun because you're too busy taking photos.
• If you are a hipster, scarves will make you both warm in the winter AND cool in the summer. MAGIC. 
• If you want to really piss someone off, simply lie about the time. 
• Don't go to Starbucks.
• If you spell 'definitely' wrong and you spell-check it to 'defiantly', don't worry. Defiantly is a stronger version of definitely. Obviously. 
• Socks come in sets of two for a reason. They're meant to be together. Wear socks like a pro. 
• You can never eat too much cheese. Unless you don't like cheese. Then, you're weird. 
• This is about to turn the culinary world upside-down. Here goes! It is best to use a hand-held cake mixer to smash potatoes and to use a potato smasher to mix cake. 
• If you get given a ridiculous but awesome dinosaur hat for your birthday, you must wear it out to dinner. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• It's actually okay to like that Follow Me song by Uncle Kracker. 
• Do you think birds take naps like people do? 
• Imagine if this really existed!
• I turned 23 today. BLARG. 
• A group of monks is called a 'party'. LOL
• WATCH THIS! I MEAN IT!

That's all.

Have a great week. 

BYE!

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Really Suck at Packing

I'm going to Chicago tomorrow to see some friends and do some other fun things (I don't know what these things will be, but one of my best habits is making nearly everything fun, so I smell success!). Also, I just brought a million new socks, so everywhere I walk will feel really soft.


It is around 11PM. I should be packing. Often I get really really excited about packing because I'm usually going to have an adventure. 


This is how I pack right now:

• Discuss with everyone that I'm about to leave to have fun without them. 
• Go into room and think 'Liz. You should make a list.'
• Rethink list idea, based on the fact that I only had one suitcase when I came to America. Surely I can just look around bedroom and bathroom and grab things that I might need for a week. It's only a week, right? I don't have many things to look at and decide. Process should be simple.  
• Apparently it's not. 
• Get worried when I realise that I haven't washed my clothing yet. Shitfuck. 
• Wish I had a maid to wash my clothing for me. 
• Make Pros and Cons list about wether it would be better to have my washing done for the rest of my life or have my meals cooked for me for the rest of my life. Get confused because the pros of one list are the cons of the other. WHAT'S HAPPENING‽ 
• Put washing in machine. Because let's get real, I don't have a fucking maid.
• Boil water to make cup of tea. 
• Have conversation with flatmate about why babies don't need IDs to get on planes. We decided they didn't need IDs because they're not counted as real people since they don't have to pay. Also decided that baby IDs would probably be silly because they might all look the same. Why then, do Asians have IDs? LOL LOL JK. 
• Get angry that jug doesn't turn off automatically because it makes high-pitched squealing noise like those annoying tea pots which talked to each other on some old cartoon movie that I can't remember what it was called or even what it was about.  
• Realise it's too fucking hot for a cup of tea. Still haven't found an appropriate drink to replace English Breakfast Tea in the summer. THIS IS NOT OK. 
• See this picture of a circle bed which some guy made to look like a hamburger. I really want a round bed. It may be confusing which part to sleep on, but I'm ok with that. I sleep on my face like this: 

• I don't see a logistical problem.
• I don't think there would have been a 'logistical' problem anyway. 
• I like to say things are logistical nightmares, but I hope I am never a person who has to deal with logistical nightmares.  I've kind of secretly always wanted to have a nightmare about logistics so I can say it and really mean it. Like a bad dream about a lorry taking some timber to the wrong port, and then when it eventually goes to the right port the wrong kind of ship has come to get the timber, like a pirate ship. You know what they say: Pirates can't take timber. 
• Resume packing. Grab heaps of things that I will probably need when I am away and put them in a pile in my room. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT PUTTING THEM IN APPROPRIATE BAG. For some reason, maybe double handling WILL be efficient. 
• Get super confused about what I will and won't need tomorrow before I leave. Cannot pack toothpaste now. Cannot pack shoes because I will be wearing them. Cannot pack band aids because I haven't made a mini first aid kit. 
• Realise I don't have time to make mini first aid kit. I used to carry first aid supplies around in an empty hair-gel pottle when I was at high school. It was super cute and people would go to me if they wanted plasters or Panadol and I would feel useful and wanted. 
• Get distracted by the internetz when I am learning about luggage policy. On the list of things to be STOWED away during take-off and landing is virtual pets. What if I need to feed my tamagotchi‽ 
• Write list of things I will need to do tomorrow morning. I even write down ridiculously obvious things because I am so overwhelmed by all the things I have to remember not to forget that I might forget the things that I will always remember. Just writing down 'towel' would be ambiguous and may lead to confusion. Must write 'put towel in bag after shower', AND 'shower'. 
• Decide to be defiant to the weather and have cup of tea.
• Take washing out of dryer. 
• Pack running things so I can pretend I will run when I am on holiday.
• Cup of tea has made me really hot. 
• Lie belly-up on the floor because I want to cool down and I feel slightly hopeless. . 
• Eat ice cream because it's hot. This icecream is the one that Stephen Colbert made with the bits of chocolate covered waffle cone and caramel in it. I Am Pole and So Can You. 
• Wonder WTF I am doing eating icecream at 1AM. Simultaneously wonder why I have gained 4kg since coming to America. 
• Maybe I should finish packing tomorrow? By 'finish', I more mean 'start'. 
• Attempt to put things in bag and realise I have probably gathered too many things to take with me. 
• Cry a little on the inside, because I don't know what to take out and leave in.
• Fabric softener that Americans use doesn't soften fabric. I think it just makes things big. That's why my clothes won't fit in my bag. 
• Sleep on couch because I just made bed and I want to come back to it nice and tidy. Also, couch is actually comfier than bed, and lounge is cooler than bedroom. Seriously contemplate moving bedside lamp into lounge. Decide against it, because nek minnit all my things will be in lounge. 
• Go to bed at 2.30AM. 
• Don't sleep very much because I am freaking out that I won't wake up in time to do all the things I have to tomorrow. Also I'm very excited.
• Conclude that I suck at packing. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Hey, let's add peaches and cream and maple syrup and bananas to porridge so it isn't relavent to poor people anymore. 
• How did I live for 22 years without learning that pumpkin is a fruit?  
• I just saw the house that was in Home Alone. Yeah, you should be jealous. 
• This is the best thing since unsliced bread. Watch it! 

GTG BRB LOLZ MUM

Ok bye guys. 

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Why I Think America is OK

Hi!


I'm gonna write about the USA now. This is not something I will do very often, because sometimes cultural comparisons make people fight-y. Hence why the list is made up of trivial things. I LIKE AMERICA AND I LIKE NEW ZEALAND!!! OK??? 


Here are some things which I like about this place:

• The butter in the fridge is always soft. How does it do this???
• Squirrels exist (they don't come out when it's raining though, and it rains ALOT in Portland). If I see a squirrel, I get a point. If I get 10 points in a day, I get icecream. I can get points for other things also. I might tell you about this game on another day. Germans can't say 'squirrel'. 
• They have these carrots which come in bags and they're baby sized but peeled. Apparently they aren't actually baby carrots, but regular sized carrots which have been put through these machines and they come out much more small. No more cutting carrot sticks!!! 
• There are many yellow school buses. I guess I knew that they existed, but I always thought that they were over-represented in movies and on the Simpsons and in those books about The Magic School Bus, for some kind of 'yellow school bus nostalgia' effect; but they're actually everywhere. When travelling from Portland to Salem, I saw where the school buses slept, and there must have been around 500 yellow school buses located in one small location! THAT'S HEAPS!
• Tater tots. They're tasty as. I could write about the food here for years. But all I'm gonna say about this is that now I understand why Napoleon carried them in his pocket. 
• People who look like they might be trying to be pirates. So far, I have seen many of them. They're either guys with bandanas and pierced-ears, or long hair and beards and cargo pants. Pirates invented cargo pants because they needed all the pockets they could get. I think the mullet in New Zealand is like the pirate in the US. 
• Homeless people have dogs as pets and they look quite happy.
• Seeing baseball parks. I don't quite know why I like this so much, maybe it's because they're differently shaped and there's a little mound where the pitcher stands and for some reason I think that's nifty. 
• There are fewer annoying birds; I haven't seen any seagulls yet.
• The way that people from some states seem to hate other states. Often it seems irrational. For example: "Nothing fucking happens in Alabama." I'm sure many, many, many things happen on a daily basis in Alabama. Five million people live there. Also: "People in Minnesota remind me of badly smashed potatoes. Lumpy and white."    (I actually kinda hate Florida. Don't tell anyone.)
• You can keep a snake or a chimpanzee as a pet if you want to. Wouldn't recommend the chimpanzee.  One day, when I have far to much money, I'm going to keep otters as pets. Probably in my moat. They hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift away. This is not a joke. If you click this link, you will die of cute. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I thought that Gatorade was spelt like 'gator aid' and it was a kind of drink that would also aid alligators. To fight or something. Now I feel funny about Gatorade because I don't know what it stands for or what the premise is. 
• I've always wanted to do that thing where you make the recipes out of the jelly beans on the Jelly Belly packaging. Does strawberry shortcake really taste like strawberry shortcake? I don't know. I don't feel ok about not knowing. 
• Are guinea pigs really 90s pets? Or is it just that it was the 90s when I was the appropriate age to own a guinea pig? FUCK. 
• Watch this!

Bye bye. Thanks for reading!

Much love

Liz Tritops

xoxo

How Did They Come Up With This‽‽‽

There are a few things that baffle my mind as to how they even exist. Here are some of them:

• Ballet. I can imagine a few guys (there would obviously be no ladies) sitting around a  table in a boardroom and watching some other guy pitch an idea to them. It's called ballet. He proceeds to put on some crazy as shoes and hears one of the other dudes say "Oi! Those look like girls shoes!!!" He shrugs in a 'it's no big deal' kind of a way. He then flails his arms and legs around everywhere and chucks in some really cool twirls and a few plié(s?). Everyone in the room was thinking THAT. WAS. FUCKING. AMAZING. After his little show, he explains that when the leg is not bent, it's stretched completely or put behind in a semi-classical position where the leg is slightly bent, but not completely. That's really what sold the idea. Don't try and tell me that dance isn't invented in boardrooms; I know that it is. 
• Rum and raisin icecream. I think what happened here is that someone (probably by the name of Warren) was trying to make rum icecream, which would be quite nice. Then he tweaks out a little and accidentally bumps a whole massive box of raisins into the vat (icecream is made in vats, yes?). Warren was worried that he would lose his job because he's actually a bit shit at life and making icecream is the only thing he can (vaguely) do. Turns out it the rum and raisin icecream was a little uncouth and was unusually textured, but tasted quite palatable. Nowadays, Sun Maid raisin packets come with little inspirational quotes on them such as: 'Work hard. Play fair. Sleep well', and 'Help a friend'. My favourite one is 'Do your homework first, play later'. The first one EVER was dedicated to Warren and it said 'Don't worry if you accidentally drop raisins into the rum icecream which you are trying to make, because you won't get fired and a few people will fucking love this new icecream flavour'. 
• Penny farthings. How would anyone ever think that one massive wheel and one tiny wheel would make a good bicycle? This guy crashed. Apparently, you don't have to move your legs very much..to...actually....pedal the...in terms of...
• Wingdings. I can understand wanting the pictures, but why would you have it as a font after the invention of clipart? After the absurdity of Wingdings (the original), they had the audacity to create Wingdings 2, incase you needed to replace a letter with a pair of scissors which is on a slightly different angle to the other four scissors offered in the original Wingdings. Admittedly, it was fun when I was six to write things in Wingdings so people couldn't understand. It was like a secret code, except it was quite a useless secret code because I didn't have it memorised either. All you had to do was change the font back to Comic Sans. BAM. Problem solved. They words now look more casual and fun and slightly humorous. What I should have done was make it into my own kind of PHYSICAL SIGN LANGUAGE between me and a friend (let's imagine that I had one.) Sign language Wingdings style would be easy. Scissors! Jew star! Pencil! Book! Plus many more! 
• Creed.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Did you know that people eat more M&Ms out of a bowl with 7 colours than they do with 4 colours? WHADUP psychology. I guess you gotta eat all the colours.  
• I find it so awkward when people ask me about koalas and kangaroos in New Zealand. It doesn't make me mad, but it just hurts a little that we actually don't have ANY cool animals. Mostly I just walk away. 
• Maybe we can change the world if we think about snowflakes enough. <3 Slacktivism. 
• My friend from work is getting me to read science fiction. I don't like science fiction. I HATE SCIENCE FICTION. Then I realised that I'm being genreist. I dont think that's a word. Being genreist is almost as bad as being racist or sexist, right? I'm already jizzing myself over racy cover illustrations... 
• I actually love this show. When you're looking at horses, you're not thinking about the other things in your life. 

Gotta run!!

Have a great day.

Liz Tritops

xoxo