Supermarkets and Airports

I like these two places heaps. I hope you do too! 


The Supermarket:

• I often like to live my life by the rule of 'try everything once'. This includes food. To make my trips to the supermarket much more interesting I always buy something I have never had before. This can be anything from canned chestnuts to durians to weird Asian drinks which come in a can and I don't even know what they are called or what the ingredients are. Usually, I just try and buy one new thing each time. I would have so much fun if I got too excited and I would go on a shopping trip which consisted of 'only buying new things' (easy for me to do this now that I am in America). Last time I brought a new thing it was buckwheat and it was really gross. I feel like buckwheat might have been slave food? I'm not a slave.  
• When I go home and put ALL THIS FOOD in my pantry I'm gonna have so much more food than you and I can choose what I'm gonna eat. Often I think about making a meal but I have sooo many options that I never end up making anything. Pretty much, I sample all the things that I have just brought. I don't know why I do this; obviously I'm excited that I have so many options, but it's not as though I have to check to make sure it's not poisonous, and unless I'm doing the TRY EVERYTHING ONCE RULE mentioned above then I already know what it tastes like. 
• Sometimes I fill my trolly with apples and bananas and tomatoes and avocados and weird blends of milk like coconut and almond at the same time! This is because I guess I try and be healthy. THEN when I see people with their trollies filled up with potato chips and sausages and soft drink and chocolate I can get my judgmental face on and feel really good about myself. Sometimes, I look in all the trollies and if I'm the healthiest person based on the goods in my trolly then I win! What do I win? I dunno. Probably a carrot. Yay. 
• This one time, I saw a gender question with his/her trolly filled up with soy milk and rice crackers. Only. It had around 12 cartons of soy milk and 30 packets of rice crackers. NO LIE. 
• I like a place which brings together everyone. If you're in a supermarket in the middle of a city, it usually knows no bounds of race and class...heck, even gender. When in Portlandia, it is not safe to assume something is a man or a woman.  
• I find talking to the checkout operator good fun. I try and be pleasant and make them chuckle, because I know what it's like to be in their shoes and people generally suck. 

The Airport:

• Some people are grumpy and tired and I find it kinda amusing, because even if I'm at an airport and very tired I'm never grumpy because I'M AT AN AIRPORT!
• I like big spaces and seeing people going to places; getting shit done. Also, everything feels so sterile.
• You can sit and watch people come through the arrivals gate and greet their family and/or friends who they love heaps and may not have seen for quite some time. It makes my heart feel happy.
• There are also other people to watch too. 
• When I'm at an airport I'm usually going somewhere to have some kind of adventure. So not only am I about to have an amazing time, I'm also gonna get to take-off, eat aeroplane food, and land!!!
• Just like an inner-city supermarket, airports are very multicultural. I like to play a game called 'guess the nationality'. It involves guessing the nationality. I pick a person or two, stare at them for not quite long enough to be a creeper, and then I stand by them and/or follow them and try and see where they are from based on accent, language, or by trying to read their passport. If I get it right, I get 10 points. 
• Those little cars going around on the tarmac look like tiny bugs going nuts!!
• Tarmac. It's quite big. Tar-penetration macadam. Fuckingfuck. I didn't know that was a word! 
• Going up the downescalator and down the upescalator. 
• Kidding. I'm not a child anymore. 
• I take a little bit of joy watching people who are shit at airports. Listen buddy, you know that the luggage limit is 23 kgs. No, you can't take more things than that, and if you do, you have to pay for it. Taking all your clothes out of your suitcase and repacking them in a different order will not change the weight of your suitcase. Yeh, let's see how many jackets you really can wear at one time! IT MIGHT BE 6! This guy wore 155 shirts! 
• This might seem weird but being in an airport makes me feel really rich. 
• It's ok to wear ridiculously comfy pants. 
• If your flight is delayed you get to stay at the airport even longer! In your comfy pants!!!

Other thoughts from me this week:

• You should play this game. It's called Cheese or Font. I'm quite bad at it. I think it would be great to design a font and a type of cheese with the same name, and then you wouldn't lose. This wouldn't take me too long since I'm an excellent typographer AND cheesemaker, dontchaknow.  
• I wish we could have mini-bears as pets. For example: There are wolves and we keep smaller versions of them (dogs) as pets. There are tigers and lions and cheetahs and other big cats and we keep smaller versions of them (cats) as pets. I don't see why we can't do the same thing with bears. This guy I work with (WHADUP Ryan) informed me that we can't do that because there actually aren't any tiny bear-like things which even exist. I told him that surely we can domesticate them to be smaller and just breed the smaller ones until they keep getting smaller and smaller. I hope this is true?
• I miss carpet. It's so soft underfoot. 
• How long does it take to travel 80 miles/hour? Watch this! 

BYE!

Thank you for reading. I hope you had fun.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Learn Things on Wikipedia!

Gosh I love wikipedia! The other day I spent hours reading about serial killers; I look up one thing and then another 20,000 other links captivate me and I have a bajillion tabs open, and I'm wasting my life learning almost useless things. 


Here's a recent journey I went through on Wikipedia. I have included some of my thoughts. 

• Ectrodactyly is when you're missing fingers from your hands, or toes from your feet, so you have pincers. It is also called LOBSTER CLAW SYNDROME. In my silly imagination, people with LCS only walk sideways. I think it's almost a super-power rather than a disability. There are many things people with ectrodactyly can probably do better than you or I, such as fighting, and also if you were watching an Italian with this condition it could be excellent because they love to talk with their hands, so they might look like angry crabs. It reminds me of the Pokemon #98: Krabby, and Pokemon #127: Pinsir. If Krabby lost a pincer, it would grow back. Pinsir can lift things twice his own weight!
• A unit of fame which lasts for 15 minutes is called a warhol. 
• Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Yeh. It's a sentence. I'll give you $10 if you can draw a sentence diagram of it. 
• This guy ate ALL THE THINGS. He ate a plane. This guy ate a plane. He actually ate a plane. Imagining name-dropping that guy. "Yeah, bro. My cousins mate ate a plane. He was all good, eh."
• I didn't know toilet paper orientation was called toilet paper orientation. Yes, it is important, and the over orientation is the RIGHT way to behave. This is not subjective. 30-40% of people are WRONG. 
• Oh look! Tetras was probably the only logical thing to come out of the Soviet Union. The Soviets must have applied it to fitting them and the things they were carrying into a Perestroika bread line. Communists, eh. 
• OH MY GOSH LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING SHAPES! 
• I actually quite like tetras. I think it's great. 
• Why call anything a box when you can be as cool as me and call it a hyper-rectangle?
• This sport is called fox tossing. Basically, you and me in 17th century Europe. We toss foxes for fun. Jaysus. Apparently the result was only often fatal for the tossed animal. If the fox/hare/badger/wildcat doesn't die, they get beaten to death by the court dwarfs. COURT DWARFS? Are you fucking kidding me? These little tykes were owned and traded. Imagine a court dwarf who also had lobster claw syndrome. Double the value? I think so too. 
• 224 is the smallest number which doesn't have a wikipedia page. I feel bad for the guy. 
• I hope this book teaches people that there is no such thing as a useless or inadequate animal. It's about Flanimals and was written by Ricky Gervais. I very much like the sound of an offledermis. 
• Hitler bacon was a thing. It was also called Hitlerszalonna. Putting 'Hitler' and 'bacon' together is the biggest mindfuck. Hitler = Bad. Bacon = Good*. It looks like Hitler bacon was fucking terrible. Just like cheese in a tube and anchovy paste. Paste. Ewww. Ew. 
• I hope you're learning many things. LEARN NEW THINGS EVERYDAY. Tell people about them. They might think you are smart. 
• For a while I thought I might have narcolepsy. I sleep all the time without meaning to (in 80% of my classes, at work, in buses, almost while driving and then I nearly died etc). I went to see a doctor and apparently I just have excessive daytime sleepiness. It's not ideal, because it's not enough so I can be prescribed some form of speed, but it is bad enough for my doctor to inform me that 'there are some pretty good energy drinks out there nowadays'. So apparently I should drink MONSTER ENERGY DRINK and turn into a bogan. Then I will have an excuse for listening to Aerosmith and saying 'cunt' every once in a while. (There's a red squiggly line under 'cunt' WHADUP spellcheck.) 
• What do you even put metaklett on? All that steel clothing you have lying around? 
• Milk sources aside from cows include camels and reindeer. There are moose dairies in Sweden and Russia. Would I try all the milk? Yes. I like milk, OK? Also, I bet reindeer milk tastes a little more like Christmas. 
• You know how there are some ways to die that are kinda ok, such as: 'Oh shit, you're dead at 29 but at least you got eaten by a bear!' And then there's lame ways to die like having brain aneurysm at 29, or falling on a picket fence from a rather high place. Blek. Other cool ways to die: Going to the moon but not bringing your space suit, snakes on a plane, and running with scissors. What about defenestration? Thoughts. Yours please. 
• This is my favourite thing I learned about on Wikipedia during my adventure of too many hours. Oh hai katzenklavier. A piano with real-live-cats. Morally, I'm opposed. Theoretically, this is freaking hilarious. 

*   I don't like bacon, I was just putting myself in your shoes for a little bit. Apparently it's quite normal to like bacon. 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• I'm writing a book for children. It's about fruit who behave like people.
• Is it ok to use a stranger's shower gel and smell like a man?
• I saw my first squirrel and my first raccoon all in the same week. Animal firsts are excellent. I especially liked the squirrel. And I also especially liked the raccoon. 
• I think this was really well done. Watch it. 

I have to go to sleep now. I stayed up unnecessarily late and I have to be up for work in four hours. Why do I do this to myself? 

I hope you had fun reading!

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Liztips: Round I

Hi. Here are some Liztips. Liztips are life tips brought to you by Liz.


After reading this you will probably become much more awesome than you were before.


You're welcome.

• Normal lines at the supermarket are sometimes shorter than those 'express' lines. Humbling, or ironic?
• Never underestimate liquidity. 
• To climb up stairs really quickly, you could just run. That would be boring. Try using all your limbs.
• If you're wanting to scratch an itch, use something sharp. Using a motorcycle helmet is not ideal.
• If you're thirsty, you WILL want two drinks. Most people go to the kitchen because they realise that they need hydration. So you get a beverage and skull it. Then you go and sit your arse back on the couch. But you were so thirsty before that one drink doesn't cut it, so you have to get up and get another one. ALWAYS bring one back to the couch with you first time. Come on kids, it's not difficult. I call this the 'two drink rule'. Simple, but effective.
• If you really hate someone, teach them to recognise bad kerning.
• If you're a dinosaur, three horns are always better than two. 
• 'I'll pick up those next time' is not always the best philosophy when referring to tampons.
• Monopoly. ORANGE STREETS. Every time. 
• You may think that fruit for pudding is boring. It is. 
• I've told you this before, but you should still always know where your towel is. 
• If you see a Christmas sweater and it's not Christmas time, buy it anyway. Soon, it will be a Christmas and you will have more fun in an appropriately-themed sweater. 

On the triceratops 


Some people think the triceratops isn't actually a real dinosaur. This is slander, and you shouldn't believe them. Here's why the triceratops is my favourite dinosaur: 

• You know how I just told you that three horns are better than two? Well... 
• Four legs are also better than two. 
• Here's a quote from some famous palentologist guy: "It is hard to walk out into the Hell Creek Formation and not stumble upon a Triceratops weathering out of a hillside." MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. 
• They were covered in bristles. None of this 'feather' shit that other dinosaurs had.
• This little guy was ok. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• Never put yoghurt potles in with your school books. Exploding yoghurt not only ruins school books, but it will also ruin the rest of your day. 
• Ham and cheese sandwiches = the quiet achiever of the sandwich world. Unpretentious, yet classic and effective.
• You know the voice of Optimus Prime and voice of Eeyore‽ SAME GUY. I'm not even kidding. For the record, Eeyore is the biggest fun sponge. Here are some aweful things Eeyore says: "After all, what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow."    "There are those who will wish you good morning. If it is a good morning, which I doubt."
• Watch this. 

I hope you're having a great day. I might have some more Liztips for you another day.

Take care

Liz Tritops

xoxo

There Are Too Many Words

Sometimes I hear or read words and I don't know what they mean. I make up definitions in my head for them which are not at all correct. Here are some of them:


Appalachian Trail = A walk you go on to meet God. It's probably through the desert. But there's a patch which is really rainy and windy; to make shit tough. You're definitely riding on a donkey.

Chit = A banana-flavoured mint that is tiny and takes forever to dissolve and you can't even crunch it to get rid of it but you have to have one everyday.

Cantaloupe = A walk that's something between a frolic and a skip. It helps spread happiness.

Wolfberry = A berry. It looks like a wolf. Maybe it looks a tiny bit like this:

Astroturf = A playground which you can find in outer-space!!!

Fracking = When you get so angry you can shatter things with your eyes.

Mongoloid = A hybrid made when a Mongolian and a trapezoid create offspring. (Like other hybrids, it's sterile. Obviously.)

Cooneyite = A very tiny hedgehog.

Fanboydom = A town which is only made up of small children who are obsessed with superheroes.

Star anise = The pokemon which comes after Staryu and Starmie.

Incheon = Someone who has eyes slightly too close together. Not quite close enough for them to look rapey, but too close for you to be able to trust them.

Kaiser = A type of bread with all the grains and seeds inside it.

Superfluous = Anything with a soft and fluffy texture. Example: "This pool of marshmallows is exceedingly superfluous! Let's bounce in AND on it!"

Keffiyah = Latifah. Shaniqua. Latoya. Laquisha. Bonquisha. Lisquisha.

Terrapins = Cheeky holes in the ground which make small children break their ankles.

Lumpen = A contagious disease you get when homeless people look at you. If you're not homeless then you're just a carrier. If you become homeless, you can spread it.

Tapenade = Breast milk. From witches.

Larceny= When you lie to someone about something seemingly trivial, like what the time is or what they're cooking for dinner (it's a really big deal and you should never lie about these kinds of things.)

Pastiche = Frosting/icing which is soooo good that it's impossible for anyone to make. (Meg Treadwell, can you make pastiche?)

Laxity = When there's so much gravity that there isn't even any gravity anymore.

Domicile = An amazing line of dominoes.

Taciturn = A machine which turns PLAY-DOH into anything you want it to be. ANYTHING.

Kerchief = It's an onomatopoeia. Unicorns go 'ker-chief' when they sneeze.

Stim = A person who is wider than they are tall. I guess it's like a chode, but it's a person.

Even though I know what some of these words mean now, I still think of the other things instead because I'm strange. 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• I think it would be nice if hobos still carried bindles. 
• Drink water if you're thirsty.
• When I was a child I was scared of robbers and murderers instead of monsters under the bed. Robbers and murderers are real. Monsters under the bed are probably not. Liz at age five = Smarter than the average. 
• 56% are wrong. Get naked. 
• Watch this!

That's all for today.

Bye. Stay cool.

Liz Tritops

xoxo