I Learn Things on Wikipedia!

Gosh I love wikipedia! The other day I spent hours reading about serial killers; I look up one thing and then another 20,000 other links captivate me and I have a bajillion tabs open, and I'm wasting my life learning almost useless things. 


Here's a recent journey I went through on Wikipedia. I have included some of my thoughts. 

• Ectrodactyly is when you're missing fingers from your hands, or toes from your feet, so you have pincers. It is also called LOBSTER CLAW SYNDROME. In my silly imagination, people with LCS only walk sideways. I think it's almost a super-power rather than a disability. There are many things people with ectrodactyly can probably do better than you or I, such as fighting, and also if you were watching an Italian with this condition it could be excellent because they love to talk with their hands, so they might look like angry crabs. It reminds me of the Pokemon #98: Krabby, and Pokemon #127: Pinsir. If Krabby lost a pincer, it would grow back. Pinsir can lift things twice his own weight!
• A unit of fame which lasts for 15 minutes is called a warhol. 
• Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Yeh. It's a sentence. I'll give you $10 if you can draw a sentence diagram of it. 
• This guy ate ALL THE THINGS. He ate a plane. This guy ate a plane. He actually ate a plane. Imagining name-dropping that guy. "Yeah, bro. My cousins mate ate a plane. He was all good, eh."
• I didn't know toilet paper orientation was called toilet paper orientation. Yes, it is important, and the over orientation is the RIGHT way to behave. This is not subjective. 30-40% of people are WRONG. 
• Oh look! Tetras was probably the only logical thing to come out of the Soviet Union. The Soviets must have applied it to fitting them and the things they were carrying into a Perestroika bread line. Communists, eh. 
• OH MY GOSH LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING SHAPES! 
• I actually quite like tetras. I think it's great. 
• Why call anything a box when you can be as cool as me and call it a hyper-rectangle?
• This sport is called fox tossing. Basically, you and me in 17th century Europe. We toss foxes for fun. Jaysus. Apparently the result was only often fatal for the tossed animal. If the fox/hare/badger/wildcat doesn't die, they get beaten to death by the court dwarfs. COURT DWARFS? Are you fucking kidding me? These little tykes were owned and traded. Imagine a court dwarf who also had lobster claw syndrome. Double the value? I think so too. 
• 224 is the smallest number which doesn't have a wikipedia page. I feel bad for the guy. 
• I hope this book teaches people that there is no such thing as a useless or inadequate animal. It's about Flanimals and was written by Ricky Gervais. I very much like the sound of an offledermis. 
• Hitler bacon was a thing. It was also called Hitlerszalonna. Putting 'Hitler' and 'bacon' together is the biggest mindfuck. Hitler = Bad. Bacon = Good*. It looks like Hitler bacon was fucking terrible. Just like cheese in a tube and anchovy paste. Paste. Ewww. Ew. 
• I hope you're learning many things. LEARN NEW THINGS EVERYDAY. Tell people about them. They might think you are smart. 
• For a while I thought I might have narcolepsy. I sleep all the time without meaning to (in 80% of my classes, at work, in buses, almost while driving and then I nearly died etc). I went to see a doctor and apparently I just have excessive daytime sleepiness. It's not ideal, because it's not enough so I can be prescribed some form of speed, but it is bad enough for my doctor to inform me that 'there are some pretty good energy drinks out there nowadays'. So apparently I should drink MONSTER ENERGY DRINK and turn into a bogan. Then I will have an excuse for listening to Aerosmith and saying 'cunt' every once in a while. (There's a red squiggly line under 'cunt' WHADUP spellcheck.) 
• What do you even put metaklett on? All that steel clothing you have lying around? 
• Milk sources aside from cows include camels and reindeer. There are moose dairies in Sweden and Russia. Would I try all the milk? Yes. I like milk, OK? Also, I bet reindeer milk tastes a little more like Christmas. 
• You know how there are some ways to die that are kinda ok, such as: 'Oh shit, you're dead at 29 but at least you got eaten by a bear!' And then there's lame ways to die like having brain aneurysm at 29, or falling on a picket fence from a rather high place. Blek. Other cool ways to die: Going to the moon but not bringing your space suit, snakes on a plane, and running with scissors. What about defenestration? Thoughts. Yours please. 
• This is my favourite thing I learned about on Wikipedia during my adventure of too many hours. Oh hai katzenklavier. A piano with real-live-cats. Morally, I'm opposed. Theoretically, this is freaking hilarious. 

*   I don't like bacon, I was just putting myself in your shoes for a little bit. Apparently it's quite normal to like bacon. 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• I'm writing a book for children. It's about fruit who behave like people.
• Is it ok to use a stranger's shower gel and smell like a man?
• I saw my first squirrel and my first raccoon all in the same week. Animal firsts are excellent. I especially liked the squirrel. And I also especially liked the raccoon. 
• I think this was really well done. Watch it. 

I have to go to sleep now. I stayed up unnecessarily late and I have to be up for work in four hours. Why do I do this to myself? 

I hope you had fun reading!

Liz Tritops

xoxo