High School Was Okay

Some people really hated high school. I didn't. 

Here's why high school was okay:

• Sometimes I was the captain of sports teams like football and dragon boating and it made me feel good at life and a little important.
• I liked to play sport and I was smaller than I am now! That was great! We got to wear blue uniforms for football which is my favourite color to wear when playing THE BEST SPORT. Our uniforms were silky and big; they kind of looked more like pajamas, but I was okay with that because they were comfy and shiny things go faster.  
• There was a rumour going around that this skanky girl had an STI that made her bleed out her anus. I don't think such an STI exists, but it was fun to pass on the rumour (don't worry, I'm only 2% bitch) and it was also fun to say 'anus'.
• I worked at a supermarket when I was 15 and one of my friends and I used to play a game with the food from the produce section, coz thats how cool we were. When we put something like a banana or an apple or a tomato or any other fruit/vegetable type thang through the checkouts we had to ring-up a number, oldskool style. If you were really good, you knew all the codes (PLUs) and could tell the 9,000 types of pears apart from each other. So at school, whenever me and this girl, let's call her Rosamund (this may or may not have been her name. Hint: It was), saw some food that had a PLU, we would have to shout out this 4-digit code, and whoever got it first, won. 'Won what?', you might ask. Er...nothing. 
• In hindsight, maybe working at a supermarket made me realise that high school was comparitively more fun than repeatedly scanning things for people on checkouts, and that I would never want to be stuck doing that for the rest of my life. Apparently I learned an importland lesson: SUCCESSFUL BITCHEZ FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. 
• I like learning! I remember this one lesson we had in biology where we learned about the different sleep cycles animals have. I liked the crepuscular ones the best because they're different and also I think crabs are kind of neat. Then I became crepuscular for a while. Not because I wanted to be a crab or anything like that; I think I just got really excited that crepuscular things even exist so my body decided to try and make me crepuscular on some kind of sub-conscious level. 

Here are a few reasons I like crabs: 

1. I already told you that they are crepuscular. 
2. Most of them move sideways, but not all of them! 
3. The ones that move sideways don't even walk, they slide. Or something. 
4. Thanks to crabs, we have the word 'crabwise'.
5. They talk to each other by drumming or waving their pincers. Much like Italians, yes?

• Biology was actually great (minus for too many years I had this old and boring teacher with cankles). I found it fun to learn about evolution. Sometimes I would look at people and decide what they looked like the most: Example: Does the kid walking into the art block look more like a neanderthal or a homo habilis? NERDALERT? Maybes. 
• Titrating was fun.
• Camp was fun. 
• Sleeping in calculus was fun. 
• Drama class was glorified playtime. 
• P.E. was ACTUAL playtime. 
• The teacher that lied to me about guerrilla warfare and the potato famine was a disaster but also hilarious. 
• WHO WAS HAVING SEX AND WHO WASN'T? WOW!!!!
• I liked wearing a uniform. It was official, and neat, and you didn't have to worry about what to wear everyday. I especially liked wearing a tie. I wore it everyday, partly for status (only the older kids were allowed), but also because I freaking love ties! They're not just for men or punks or lesbians, people! We also wore kilts. This might sound weird, but it wasn't because I was in CHRISTCHURCH. 
• Then I went to high school in Argentina and it was quite different but also fun. Maybe I will write about that one day. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I took life into my own hands and decided to learn the laundry symbols. This one DOES NOT mean keep your button in a box:

• After learning about the laundry symbols, I made up a game called 'Hieroglyphic or Laundry Symbol'. I draw a thing which is either a laundry symbol or a hieroglyphic on a little piece of paper and I make people guess which thing it is! Great game!
• How the fuck do these dolls exist? Apparently grandmas used to make them. Thanks grandma! Ew. 
• ...and here is a dog stealing a cabbage. WATCH IT!

I think that's all.

Byebye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Have Three Talents And You Do Too!

A friend of mine called Meg taught me that everyone has three talents. I told her she was wrong. She loves it when I get all argue-y.

Then I thought about it.

I am average-to-good at some things. Like economics. And dinosaurs. And lighting fires. And baking. And making charts which not only chart things, but also flow things. I think they call them 'flowcharts'.

I am average-to-bad at some things. Like talking on the phone. And playing Risk. Coz I hate losing, I avoid playing Risk at all costs. It ruins friendships. You make an alliance, and then someone screws you over and attacks Kamchatka and that's a funny word. If winter is approaching, you know not to attack the Ukraine coz shit's too cold. YOUR TANKS WILL FREEZE!!!

I am real shit at other things. Like drawing. I could draw better when I was 4. I also can't put up tents. I also can't walk in heels.

With a little more thought, I realised that there are 3 things that I am ridiculously awesome at:

1. Sleeping on my face.

2. Holding my breath.

3. Cutting my food with fork.

Re: Sleeping on my face

For the last six years, I have been sleeping on my face. People tell me I look like I am dead. I just kind of lie on my tummy with my legs splayed out and my forehead resting under my arm and my face IN my pillow. Why am I alive?

Re: Holding my breath

This could be a direct result of numero uno. I can seriously hold my breath for a fucking long time. Through the Lyttelton Tunnel (1945m). Over the Rakaia Bridge (no idea how long that guy is). This one time, I held my breath under water for 2 minutes and 56 seconds! When I used to be in finance lectures and I was bored as hell I would hold my breath for a minute, then I rest for another, then I hold for another minute...so on and so on...and then class is over, and I may or may not have improved one of my talents!

Re: Cutting my food with fork

I think this stems from a general retardation of myself. I have no fork-mouth co-ordination on my left side. The contents of my fork will fall to my plate or I will stab my cheek. Then it's all over. With the realisation of this, I thought it was time to cut my losses. I ditched the knife, and proceeded to eat one-handed. I can now cut anything with a fork. Seriously. Try me.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? WHY AM I YELLING AT YOU??? Some good has to come out of this. What is the point in having these three amazing talents, just to have them go to waste? The only thing I can come up with is that if the world suddenly ran outa oxygen, and we could only eat with forks, and only sleep on our faces, it would be survival of the fittest and I would WIN. And then I would breed with someone and we would make a Super Race! That is all.

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I would kind of like a koi pond. Not because I really want a koi pond, but more because I want to be able to say I have a koi pond. Say it. 'Koi pond'. It sounds fun. Say it again. I dare you!!! Koi pond! Koi pond! Koi pond! 
• The smell of lavender is just...so....meh? You know? I'm so indifferent. 
• I have this thing where I like to wear my socks. Without shoes. Then I get holes in all my socks. And it doesn't even matter that I'm all good at wearing matchy-matchy socks with fun patterns like stripes and dots on them (the ones with stripes make me go faster!) because they look like shit. Then people tell me I have holes in my socks and they look at me like on a scale of one to orphan I'm, like, an 8. Maybe even an 8.5. NO, I'M NOT AN ORPHAN! MY PARENTS ARE ALIVE BUT I'M TOO OLD FOR THEM TO BUY ME NEW SOCKS EVERY TWO WEEKS! 
• Watch this! It's from 1995!

I like you all.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

How I Know I Am Not A Real Adult

I'm 23. Sometimes I don't feel like it. Here's why:

• Star charts are not only pretty, but they also help me achive things. My flatmate and I made a star chart and we get stars for doing exercise and we call it Starwars!! 
• I don't wash my colours separately. Is that a thing people are supposed to do or a thing Mum told us to do because she thought that it would be a fun game and maybe we can learn colours better if we put our laundry in the appropriate basket? When I was a kid we had a laundry chute for a while. That was fun. Only problem was the laundry chute didn't connect to anything. Duh. 
• I refuse to buy envelopes, so I pay my rent cheque in a carefully folded-up piece of paper and write on it 'This is a very professional looking envelope.' It's time to pretend. What else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute? Oh hai MGMT. 
• I don't see why there can't be lego to play with EVERYWHERE. Like in cafés. And bars. And at the dentist's. For that matter, lego should be available pretty much anywhere with a reception. I can't think of anything more soothing than being allowed to play with lego before getting your cunt waxed or your teeth pulled. I hope you agree!
• Fairy bread is still great. Fairy bread is a common children's birthday party treat in New Zealand. It's white sandwich bread cut into triangles and covered with sprinkles/Hundreds and Thousands. Very fun! 
• How does one go about folding sheets if one's arms are not 2m long? 
• How are farts STILL funny?
• 40-proof 'adult' chocolate milk. Chocolate milk in general. 
• What the hell do you even put fennel with?
• When walking past a playground, and seeing that there are available swings to swing on, not taking this opportunity to swing on them is like saying a big fuck you to everything fun in the world. 
• I think grown ups own wine glasses, and maybe a decent set of knives. I own neither. If you're a 'better' adult (let's call it a 'Level 2' adult), you even get to go to a specialised knife shop to buy your set of knives, and you use each knife for it's correct purpose. All I know is that the smallest knife is awesome for opening OtterPops. 
• Don't I need a pen that I carry around with me so that I can act all wanky and sign with my own $400 thing? 
• Sometimes I still go to work hungover. When this happens, I tend to make very little effort with my appearance, because hungover bitchez don't deserve mascara, in the same way that if you don't do your homework, you don't deserve to plaaay. 
• Always cut toast into smaller pieces, because a whole piece of toast is actually quite big to pick up and is weird to hold. 
• I like to eat baby food. 
• Kidding. Did I trick you?
• I still judge boys on their looks rather than their trust funds. Rookie mistake. 
• What's an oil change and why does my Father keep looking at me like I don't know how to take care of my car?
• Never stop building forts. 
• Never stop putting dinosaur stickers on things. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Over the course of the last few days, I have seen not one, but two pretty ladies who have been wearing cute little dresses and look rather nice. Then I see a fluffy yet spiky tuft of armpit hair. Is this a thing? Like, a new thing? Maybe a Portland thing? Answers, please. 
• I didn't really think about anything else this week. Except maybe that 'turquoise' sounds more like an animal than a colour. 
• Watch this! It's kinda icky. 

That's all. I must go back to work now!

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo