The Potato Person

Two weeks ago, I blogged about Peanut Person. 

Here is a story about Potato Person. 

I'm living with my friend Rose over summer. Sometimes we go on 'adventures', and by adventures, I mean mundane activities such as trips to the supermarket. We decided we needed more food, so we went to Pak n Save. I find Pak n Save a little offensive. Apparently it has 'NZ's lowest food prices' which is great; it also has NZ's highest self-esteem boost, because you can go in there and be guaranteed to be surrounded by people who have worse lives than you. In that way, it's a little like watching the Jeremy Kyle Show, or The Steve Wilkos Show. 

There are many bad things about Pak n Save. Apparently, if you 'pak' the groceries into bags yourself, you save them labour costs, thus you can 'save' on various generic brand food items. GREAT. To the lady who is buying six big bottles of diet orange soft drink: just because it's cheap doesn't mean you should buy it. They only have massive trollies, maybe because they want you to buy the whole store. If you want to buy anything nice, like hummus that is flavoured like Moroccan carrot or some shit, you won't be able to find it, because Pak n Save wants you to believe that you can't have nice things. 

It was pissing down with rain, so Rose and I sat in the car for around 40 minutes before making the car-to-store dash with our angry faces on.  We didn't want to deal with people.

Chunky lady in t-shirt two sizes too small: "Those things look like nectarines, but they're kinda fuzzy."

Skinny lady in sneans: "I think they're peaches."

We also didn't want to deal with decisions about food. 

Rose: "Do you think we should get 23 cans of tomatoes?"

Me: "Um...I dunno. I guess we will eat them eventually."

Rose: "They're only 14c a can. We may as well."

Me: "Ok. Fine."

Rose: "We're gonna get really sick of canned tomatoes."

Me: "Yeah, nah, ...all good. They're SUCH A BARGAN LET'S BUY THEM ALL!" 

Rose: "Ok, maybe we should get five more".

Me: "Why don't we talk about it for another half-hour?"

...Rose and Liz continue to talk about canned tomatoes for half an hour...

Also, I wasn't wearing waterproof shoes, which pretty much ruined my life because once my socks get wet during car-to-store dash, it was all over. My feet would never be dry again, and I was a little more aggravated.  Everyone in Pak n Save smelt damp. 

And then...we stumbled across this gem. Much like the decision to buy a bajillion cans of tomatoes, we also decided to buy 10kg of potatoes. WE MUST FILL THE VERY BIG TROLLY! 

This is what I thought to myself: 'Liz. You know yourself better than anyone else. When you have the strength to ask for more even after being knocked down countless times, there is nothing you can't achieve.' LOLJK. I don't think thoughts like that. 
I thought to myself: 'Liz. You know yourself better than anyone else, and you're not really a potato person. But if you SMASH them, or cut them into pieces and roast them to make chippies, they could be quite palatable'.   

Look what was on the bag:

It's an actual POTATO PERSON. 

What the shit LOLCAT.

Is it a man or woman? 

I can't answer you that. It's up there with life's big questions such as 'what makes bubblegum flavour taste like bubblegum?' 

All I know is that her name is Desirée, and s/he is gorgeous.  

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I am going to learn how to do cryptic crosswords so that I feel smart and accomplished. Whenever I tell myself this, I get one from the paper and end up staring at the clues for hours and never figuring out even one. (By hours, I mean approx. three minutes, because that's how awesome my attention span is.)
• I don't like when people put a 't' on the end of EFTPOS. It's NOT pronounced 'eftpost'. People are dumb. Oh, and 'often' has a 't' in it. DO YOU SEE IT‽
• I saw a chicken patty that looked like a dinosaur the other day. Almost the best day ever. 
• I've realised that I might be a synesthete. I think this makes me sound like I'm a small insect with extra claw-y legs, or a member of an obscure religion from mars. But what I really mean is that I may have synesthesia. I saw an apple on TV and then I literally could smell an apple. I'M MAGIC. This kind of thing has happened a few times since. 
• Watch this!