My 100 Favorite Things - Part III

Hi!! 


I have come to accept that I have too many things which I get REALLY EXCITED about to stop at 100. So there will definitely be four installments. If you haven't read one through 28 and 29 through 55, you can find them here, and here. Also, I'm sorry about the lactating link last week. I don't know what I was thinking. ("1" is actually "56". I hate computers and don't speak HTML fluently. Blah blah blah.)


Let's get down to business...

1. Putting EVERYTHING (cinnamon, chocolate, vanilla, nutmeg, etc..) on top of my cappuccino because it's there and I can. 
2. Seeing American tourists with safari pants, or sneans, a bumbag (fanny-pack) , a beer belly, and an old baseball cap.
3. Taking the stairs and thinking that I'm better than the people who take the lift. 
4. Doing nothing on a rainy day. 
5. Pinstripe suits.
6. Sporcle. One day I will get ALL the countries because I am a nerd. 
7. Getting that tiny seed or corn string thing out from between your teeth after 47 minutes of trying.
8. Nigella Lawson. She has no idea what she does to me. 
9. Meta humour.
10. Hot sauce. On almost everything. 
11. Seeing farm vehicles in cities. WHAT ARE THEY DOING THERE‽‽‽
12. When kids run really fast with their heavy backpacks on because they're late for school, and if they don't get there in the next 2.5 seconds they will definitely implode. PANIC!!!
13. A cigar for a good reason. Yeah I'm a girl. And I like cigars. Fucking sue me. 
14. Matching underwear. 
15. Brian Griffin. Why have a regular dog when you can have an intellectual dog? 
16. Portmanteaux.
17. The Olympics. If my life was perfect I would take holidays during the Olympics and park my arse in front of the TV all day to soak up sport I never get to see. I love the purity and simplicity of some of the events - Who can lift the heaviest shit? Who can run really really fast over a very very small distance? 
18. Seeing big people in small cars.
19. When you boil an egg and you want it to be soft and you crack the top off and it's perfectly runny so you add salt, dip strips of buttered bread into the yolk, and call them soldiers! And then nothing can possibly ruin your day because you're so freaking good at timing your eggs!!!
20. Not having a hangover after deserving one. This doesn't usually happen to me. I get double-hangovers; they're bad even when I don't deserve it.
21. Brunch with friends after a sleep-in. 
22. Moats. I don't understand why rich people don't have moats instead of security alarms. Duh. 
23. Graham Norton and his show. 
24. When a stranger thinks you and your friend are having an hilarious conversation.
25. The idea of half-time oranges. I don't actually like eating oranges at half-time though. Who wants to eat orange segments in the middle of a football game? But the sharing is nice; everyone takes a turn to bring them! There's always the one kid who forgets though, and it's probably the guy with the permanently snotty nose. 
26. Airports. They feel sterile and I like that. I also enjoy people watching. The arrivals lounge is the best because people have happy feelings. 
27. Fresh snow. It's white, pretty, and it confuses both cats AND dogs.
28. Cats and dogs eh? I like it when they're friends with each other. 

I have to go now. 

Jokes. I have nothing to do with my life.

Have a great day

Bye bye

xoxo Liz Tritops 

My Ultimate Team of Five

It's about time I posted. I've had my mind on other things - mostly the stress/excitement of moving countries and big life change wank wank wank. BTW, I  smell. You know when you tell people you smell but you don't really mean you smell, you've just gotten slightly sweaty and you want to complain, but you still smell nice. Well, I ACTUALLY SMELL RIGHT NOW. Babe'n. 


I'm getting that thing where I haven't slept or eaten much and I've only had coffee and I'm all twitchy and weird. 


Today I decided on something called 'My Ultimate Team of Five'. Maybe 'UTF' for short. Don't know why it's five. Maybe it's because five people is the best number for a group of people to achieve things, like the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys. Also Westlife originally had five members, but if you tell anyone I like them I will FUCKINGKILLYOU. Basically, you can choose five characters from ANYTHING to make up a crime-fighting/play-time/tomfoolery gang.


My Ultimate Team of Five:


Batman
Squirtle
Harry Potter
Nigel Thornberry
Chewbacca 


Who would you choose? 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• Brushing your teeth in the shower? Don't do it. It's weird and warm. 
• I still haven't learnt how to do cryptic crosswords yet.
• I think the world would be slightly better if we reverted back to paperlunchbags and glassmilkbottles. The idea of a milkman is also rather nice. I don't care if it's inefficient; I don't mind paying a little extra.  
• On the topic of milk, watch this. You'll laugh, and you'll be disturbed. 

That's all. 


I like you.


xoxo Liz Tritops 

My 100 Favorite Things - Part II

Hey you!

Here are some more things which I like. It's a continuation of this list. 

29. Watching animals stretch. Check out this little guy. Is he even a dog? 
30. Handheld transceivers. Tin can telephones - also fun.  
31. Pachyderms. I think they're pretty special. You look at them and think 'you're just a big grey blob'. True... but there's nothing else quite like them.
32. Streakers at sport. Surprise nudity is almost always excellent. 
33. Seeing angry people in the rain.
34. Avocado. I hadn't even tried avocado until I was 15 or something. I've got 15 years of avocado eating to catch up on. 
35. SOMEONE BUILD ME A TREEHOUSE BECAUSE I WANT ONE.  
36. When you eat something that's so spicy and it hurts heaps and you have to chug milk and then you know everything's going to be okay because you don't die.
37. Squirtle. It's a turtle that can squirt. Very clever. 
38. Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. But NOT Home Alone 3 or Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House. I won't lie to you and tell you that I have seen the fourth installment. I'm sure it's equally as offensive as Home Alone 3. 
39. Vodka.
40. Being inside a sleeping bag inside a tent inside a room (with vodka is even more excellent. And maybe some other people too because sometimes I like people. (Optional extra.))
41. Crappy Powerpoint presentations which you had to make when you were a kid and your teachers probably thought they were good because they didn't know what technology was and you could spend 10 hours chatting to your friends on MSN Messenger lmao rofl (pl). (pl) was the emoticon for plate. NO LIE. Why would you ever even send that to anyone‽ 'Oh hey Tom! Here have a virtual plate! (pl) LOL.'  Meanwhile, back at the Batcave, the rest of the time you played with WordArt and probably made titles that utilised the 'bend' effect and had ALL the colours. You thought they were KEWL. 
42. Getting pudding when you weren't expecting it. (Fruit doesn't count. Unless it's mango. Maybe.) 
43. When a song is sooo much more than 'just a song' because it's a MOTHAFUCKING DUET!!!! I like interaction. Duets are underrated. 
44. Seeing poor children smile. 
45. When you bump into someone that you know from one place but you're both in a different place. And you're all like 'Wow! What the eff are you doing here' and shit gets CRAY-ZEE.
46. Wes Anderson films. I like his colours and the dry humour. And then BAM he makes up a sport which should exist in real life. Whackbat is like the perfect child of cricket and Calvinball.  
47. Calvinball. I wish Calvinball masks were mandatory in day-to-day activities. 
48. Troy and Abed. I want Troy to marry me and I want Abed to be my friend. PLEASE. PICK ME PICK ME. 
49. Piñatas. You're blind, you try and hit something with a stick, people laugh at you, you try and hit something with stick again, you maybe break it, you get lots of lollies. Great progression. Simple, but effective. 
50. When you're driving through an intersection and you sneeze and you don't die. 
51. When I brush my teeth, floss my teeth, and do the mouthwash-thing all in the same oral hygiene session. It's like an oral hygiene orgasm.
52. Highland cattle. They're so ridiculous looking. 
53. Wearing a sports uniform because I'm in a team and I like sport. 
54. When I bake a cake that looks good AND tastes good. 
55. Super-muscly children from former Soviet countries. I don't really know if they exist very often, but I like to think they do. 

Here are some children. They are poor but still smiling! 

Smiling Bolivian Children

Smiling Thai Child

In other news:

This week a teenager said to me: "You must like Eminem because you have a really good vocabulary." Wow. Fairplay, kid. 

I am in Auckland today. I have an important interview for my Visa to let me work in the USA tomorrow so I'm a little nervous! I hope they're not cunts about the process. 
I also get to see some people who I think are okay, and it's much warmer here. 




I should sleep now. BYE!

The Potato Person

Two weeks ago, I blogged about Peanut Person. 

Here is a story about Potato Person. 

I'm living with my friend Rose over summer. Sometimes we go on 'adventures', and by adventures, I mean mundane activities such as trips to the supermarket. We decided we needed more food, so we went to Pak n Save. I find Pak n Save a little offensive. Apparently it has 'NZ's lowest food prices' which is great; it also has NZ's highest self-esteem boost, because you can go in there and be guaranteed to be surrounded by people who have worse lives than you. In that way, it's a little like watching the Jeremy Kyle Show, or The Steve Wilkos Show. 

There are many bad things about Pak n Save. Apparently, if you 'pak' the groceries into bags yourself, you save them labour costs, thus you can 'save' on various generic brand food items. GREAT. To the lady who is buying six big bottles of diet orange soft drink: just because it's cheap doesn't mean you should buy it. They only have massive trollies, maybe because they want you to buy the whole store. If you want to buy anything nice, like hummus that is flavoured like Moroccan carrot or some shit, you won't be able to find it, because Pak n Save wants you to believe that you can't have nice things. 

It was pissing down with rain, so Rose and I sat in the car for around 40 minutes before making the car-to-store dash with our angry faces on.  We didn't want to deal with people.

Chunky lady in t-shirt two sizes too small: "Those things look like nectarines, but they're kinda fuzzy."

Skinny lady in sneans: "I think they're peaches."

We also didn't want to deal with decisions about food. 

Rose: "Do you think we should get 23 cans of tomatoes?"

Me: "Um...I dunno. I guess we will eat them eventually."

Rose: "They're only 14c a can. We may as well."

Me: "Ok. Fine."

Rose: "We're gonna get really sick of canned tomatoes."

Me: "Yeah, nah, ...all good. They're SUCH A BARGAN LET'S BUY THEM ALL!" 

Rose: "Ok, maybe we should get five more".

Me: "Why don't we talk about it for another half-hour?"

...Rose and Liz continue to talk about canned tomatoes for half an hour...

Also, I wasn't wearing waterproof shoes, which pretty much ruined my life because once my socks get wet during car-to-store dash, it was all over. My feet would never be dry again, and I was a little more aggravated.  Everyone in Pak n Save smelt damp. 

And then...we stumbled across this gem. Much like the decision to buy a bajillion cans of tomatoes, we also decided to buy 10kg of potatoes. WE MUST FILL THE VERY BIG TROLLY! 

This is what I thought to myself: 'Liz. You know yourself better than anyone else. When you have the strength to ask for more even after being knocked down countless times, there is nothing you can't achieve.' LOLJK. I don't think thoughts like that. 
I thought to myself: 'Liz. You know yourself better than anyone else, and you're not really a potato person. But if you SMASH them, or cut them into pieces and roast them to make chippies, they could be quite palatable'.   

Look what was on the bag:

It's an actual POTATO PERSON. 

What the shit LOLCAT.

Is it a man or woman? 

I can't answer you that. It's up there with life's big questions such as 'what makes bubblegum flavour taste like bubblegum?' 

All I know is that her name is Desirée, and s/he is gorgeous.  

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I am going to learn how to do cryptic crosswords so that I feel smart and accomplished. Whenever I tell myself this, I get one from the paper and end up staring at the clues for hours and never figuring out even one. (By hours, I mean approx. three minutes, because that's how awesome my attention span is.)
• I don't like when people put a 't' on the end of EFTPOS. It's NOT pronounced 'eftpost'. People are dumb. Oh, and 'often' has a 't' in it. DO YOU SEE IT‽
• I saw a chicken patty that looked like a dinosaur the other day. Almost the best day ever. 
• I've realised that I might be a synesthete. I think this makes me sound like I'm a small insect with extra claw-y legs, or a member of an obscure religion from mars. But what I really mean is that I may have synesthesia. I saw an apple on TV and then I literally could smell an apple. I'M MAGIC. This kind of thing has happened a few times since. 
• Watch this! 

My 100 Favorite Things - Part I

I like things. Here are some of the things which I like:

1. Bubble tea. Those little balls of gummy make my soul smile. 
2. Batman. The best superhero by a million miles. He doesn't even need a superpower, he's just got talent fueled by bitterness and revenge. When I manage to get up at 5am to go to the gym, I like to pretend that I'm training to be Batman. 
3. Roman numerals. Next time you're oozing confidence and you feel like giving someone your number, do it in roman numerals. Then if they never text/call you, you can tell yourself that they didn't understand the rumerals (I just made a sweet portmanteau).  
4. New socks. WADUP comfort. 
5. Ferris wheels. They used to be called 'pleasure wheels'. If that doesn't sound like a sex toy, then I dunno what does. 
6. Rafael Nadal's arms. Check 'em out. I also love when he colour-coordinates. 
7. Building forts. I'm quite shit at building forts, so usually I grab a friend and get all littlekidexcited and say 'Hey buddy!!! Let's build a fort!!!!' And they get littlekidexcited too. So I make a coffee and watch friend build fort for us to play in. 
8. People dressed up as objects e.g. fruit and stationary. Doesn't happen quite enough as it should. If I saw this is real life I would die of happiness (It's Good Charlotte. AND WHAT‽ Stop judging me. Now. Stopit.)  
9. The only birds which look friendly - ducks, penguins, and sparrows.
10. Frozen peas. Peas just taste better frozen. FACT.
11. Danny Zuko. If I could steel Calvin's Transmogrifier (I commend Calvin on his cardboard-box technology), then I would transmogrify into Danny Zuko for sure, then I'd have swagga and I could walk round saying fun things like "You can't just walk out of a drive-in". Great line, Danny, great line.    
12. Mango. The fruit to trump all fruit. 
13. Huskies. Get a pack of em', get some snow, and you've got success right thur. 
14. Laughing at funerals because something is genuinely nice and funny and for a moment you forget that you're supposed to be sad. 
15. Simple computer games which I used to love: Oregon Trail, Holiday Lemmings, and Pacman. It took me around six years after I'd got bored of playing Holiday Lemmings to learn that lemmings were real animals and they would die in large numbers because sometimes they really suck at migrating. 
16. Beagles and THIS VIDEO
17. Playjamas.
18. Conversing in idioms. Only in idioms. 
19. Pirates. I like to imagine that the modern pirates who play in the Gulf of Aden have stripy shirts, parrots, and wooden legs. 
20. When there's a spoon in the sink and you're running the tap and the water doesn't repel and get you in the face. 
21. Eggs. 
22. Chuck Taylors. SO MANY COLOURS! 
23. Grammar. I would marry the Oxford comma if I could. 
24. Culture shock. Even culture tingles are nice. I like that it doesn't remind me of anything. 
25. Drinking milk when I'm hungover.
26. Cluedo. Or Clue. Whatever you call it, I always win. Mrs White in the Billiard Room with the Candlestick. That bitch.
27. Bees. I just can't get over the concept that honey bees make honey and we eat it. Bumblebees are cute aswell. Can you name another chubby insect? Unlikely. Also, they have badass stripes.  
28. The smell of rain on warm concrete.

Later days!

Thanks for reading. Don't worry, there are still 72 more things!

Liz Tritops

The Peanut-Person, Squirrels, Flat Pencils, and More Unrelated Things.

HELLO! 


My friend Matthew asked me a bunch of questions which I quite liked. 


Then I thought to myself 'Hey Liz! Why don't you share this‽' 


This is his message: 


hey Liz, 

1.Whats the point of sprinkles on ice cream?
2.if you like chunks in your ice cream are you destined to wear corduroy?
3. have you never seen a squirrel?
4. did you ever go to camp?
5. is it better to wrestle in pudding or jello and why?
6. dicks
7. what is your favourite piece of play ground equipment?
8.pick a date
9 bust a rhyme
10. do you think if you take a child into outter space their head will explode?
11. hows dunners and how ya getting by?
12. why are mullets and rat tails the coolest thing going in nz?
13. what is you some kinda swamp peoples er sumthin?
14. for fuck sake!

THE END 




1. What is the point of sprinkles on ice cream?


Well, I think it's mostly aesthetics, because usually sprinkles don't taste that great. Personally I prefer chocolate hail or nuts (I think they're peanuts?) as my sprinkling of choice, which is quite odd because I'm not really a peanut-person.


Allow me to digress.


Digressing...


Ok. Peanut-person. What the frick‽  Whenever someone says 'I'm not really a (insert noun here)-person' I always think of an actual hybrid. For example, a peanut-person is a half-peanut-half-person. If you were to say 'I'm not really a cheese-person' (if you don't like cheese you should probably be shot) then you would be half-cheese half-person. 


Illustration Time: 

Peanut Person

Peanut-person has a monocle because he's stuck in the 1800s. He also has a problem standing up since his feet aren't big enough to support his relatively giant peanut body. Poor little dude. He hates life, but he still forces a smile because he knows that life would be even shittier without friends. Don't try and tell me it's not possible for a peanut-person hybrid. I know that peanuts and humans have the same number of chromosomes. 


Digression OVAH. 


If there was one thing I would tell ice cream sprinkles, it's that I would rather have sauce instead.


2. If you like chunks in your ice cream are you destined to wear corduroy? 


I think yes. The logic speaks for itself. 


3. Have you ever seen a squirrel?


No! But I can't wait to see one of those cute, cheeky little rodents! I'll let you know as soon as I do. I already love them with every ounce of my being. This guy 'almost got raped by that squirrel'. WATCH IT! 


4. Did you ever go to camp?


I went to camp more times than you could imagine! I went on school camps and ambulance cadet camps and then one time when I was 7-ish I went on a Jesus camp. I think we made WWJD bracelets, but mostly we played fun games and did activities. I got to ride a horse which was ok, except I don't think I'm really a horse-person. Tehe. Sometimes we sang songs about Jesus. 


I think What Would Jesus Do‽ is a little unrealistic. If I could, I would turn water into wine, walk on water, and do other amazing water-related things. 
Personally, I prefer WWBD‽ (What Would Batman Do‽) Much more feasible. 


5. Is it better to wrestle in pudding or jello and why?


I think jello would be nicer to wrestle in because pudding is better to eat. Gosh I love pudding. Finding out you're gonna get pudding when you're not expecting it is in my Top 100 Things. 


6. Dicks


Vag.


7. What is your favourite piece of play ground equipment?


Sociable Liz likes the Merry Go Round. It may have a silly name, but you can find some minions to push you around and gosh, centrifugal force is fun. 
Anti-social Liz likes the swings. You can do the thang where you spin around so the chains all twisted then you let go and you feel like some kind of spinning superhero. In hindsight it's always dumb because you realise you don't really have a superpower and you just end up freaking out that your hair is gonna get caught in the chain and then your face is gonna rip off and you get really dizzy and useless.


8. Pick a date.


Donald Glover. 
Bonus: I get to be friends with Abed. 


9. Bust a rhyme. 


I'm gonna be that dick, who, during a game of Circle of Death says 'I went to the store and stole an orange/silver/month'. WANKER.


10. Do you think if you take a child into outter space their head will explode?


Definitely. Children are at least ten times more explosive than adults. Good thing I was never a child! 


11. Hows dunners and how ya getting by?


I'm doing ok. My life consists of mostly working and sleeping and I'm not playing football or ice hockey or having two standard drinks so it doesn't really sound fun. But I'm so excited about going on my big adventure that I don't even mind. 


12. Why are mullets and rat tails the coolest thing going in nz?


I don't know. But it does concern me. Soon everyone will be drinking bourbon and coke from a can, buying EVERYTHING on 30 months interest free, hating fags, and being 'Catholic'. Oh, and I WILL be calling my child Blade and dressing him/her in Ed Hardy. Sigh. Bogans. 


13. What is you some kinda swamp peoples er sumthin?


Yes, Matt. We all live in a swamp, and the mullets and rat tails help with buoyancy for when we have to have our bi-annual baths in the swamp. None of us can swim.  


14. For fuck sake! 




Other thoughts from me this week:

• Instead of buying regular pencils from now on I think I will buy those flat pencils which carpenters use. THEY WILL NEVER ROLL AWAY! Also, when people ask me if I'm a carpenter it will be a great conversation starter. I can either:  a) say 'No, I'm not a carpenter but my father is and I use his pencils!' Then they might think I'm Jesus. OR  b) say 'Shit yeah I'm a carpenter! I love carpenting things! OR c) I can just start talking about plumbago 'coz it's a cool word. 
• A tiger only costs $13,000.
• What's Nemo doing now? Did he get typecast or what‽  
• If two ninja turtles had a child together, they'd be pretty gutted if it hatched and it was just a regular turtle. 
• This is excellent! Watch it! 

I must try and find a real job now.

Bye bye

Liz Tritops 

Things I DO NOT Have a Boner For

I often write lists.


Here is a list of things I do not have a boner for.

• Sequins or anything with sequins on it. 
• Having a job which involves me wearing a name tag.
• Starbucks. No I don't want a frappafuckalattemochacuntachino with whipshit. If I buy it from you, it will taste like $10 bum. And why the frick do they make their smallest size a 'tall'? HELLO, IT'S ALL RELATIVE!
• Having a hangover when I really wasn't drunk enough to deserve one. 
• Futurama. I don't know why it's still around. When it first came out I was all 'Oh hai, Futurama! You're gonna be really cool and funny and other things because you're created by Matt Groening so that's ok'. However, you have never made me LOL. Also, you're silly because you're science fiction.
• Science fiction.
• Chinese takeaways.
• Playing Guess Who. I'm no raging, hairy, man-hating feminist, but there's only five women. I also love to hate the disclaimer line on the ad which says 'cards don't actually talk'. It's probably a good thing that they don't though, since 80% of them look like pedophiles. 
• The weird stringy stuff which comes off bananas.
• Eating big round things. Example: Donuts. Good work on the hole; points for being fun. But the idea that no one part of the item should be eaten before another concerns me. Where are you supposed to start eating! IT'S TOO CIRCULAR. Conclusion: Do not eat. 
• Comic Sans. Last year one of my lecturers wrote all his slides in Comic Sans and it made me feel like I was in the Kidz Korner. Come on buddy, there's nothing comical about development economics. Also, go back to the 90s. It would have made me happier if he wrote in Wingdings. 
• Sneans. Jeakers. Whatever you call 'em, don't do it.
• Rice risotto. Oh hai sludge. 
• Taking the bus because I'm a snob and I'm not as poor or as smelly or as weird or as old or as school-aged as the people who do. 
• Birds.
• Those ridiculous earthy hippy 'philosophies' which are supposed to mean something but are just a pile of shite. Take these: 'Poverty is the greatest gift you can give a person. It is only then that they will have a choice to either become valuable or die as a quitter.' Or 'If a baby can smile living off only breast milk and a mother's love, you can smile too'. Personally, I prefer this: 'When it's raining inside, you're fucked'. 
• Adam Sandler.
• When it's sunny but raining. WADUP Dunedin.
• When mint and chocolate get mixed together and it's always gross.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Noah's Ark would have actually been massive. Logistical nightmare eh. 
• I watched My Big Fat Gypsie Wedding the other day. Excellent show. Anyway, at the wedding the they had an owl carry the rings. What the shit INTERROBANG I want this even though it's HarryPotterWeird. 
• Cheese should ALWAYS be perfectly tessellated when the assembler is assembling the sub at subway. 
• I quite like German words in English, like Über (cool umlaut!), muesli, wunderbar, and foosball. They sound fun.  
• Watch this! 

Bye bye and thank you for reading. 

With love

Liz Tritops