How Did They Come Up With This‽‽‽

There are a few things that baffle my mind as to how they even exist. Here are some of them:

• Ballet. I can imagine a few guys (there would obviously be no ladies) sitting around a  table in a boardroom and watching some other guy pitch an idea to them. It's called ballet. He proceeds to put on some crazy as shoes and hears one of the other dudes say "Oi! Those look like girls shoes!!!" He shrugs in a 'it's no big deal' kind of a way. He then flails his arms and legs around everywhere and chucks in some really cool twirls and a few plié(s?). Everyone in the room was thinking THAT. WAS. FUCKING. AMAZING. After his little show, he explains that when the leg is not bent, it's stretched completely or put behind in a semi-classical position where the leg is slightly bent, but not completely. That's really what sold the idea. Don't try and tell me that dance isn't invented in boardrooms; I know that it is. 
• Rum and raisin icecream. I think what happened here is that someone (probably by the name of Warren) was trying to make rum icecream, which would be quite nice. Then he tweaks out a little and accidentally bumps a whole massive box of raisins into the vat (icecream is made in vats, yes?). Warren was worried that he would lose his job because he's actually a bit shit at life and making icecream is the only thing he can (vaguely) do. Turns out it the rum and raisin icecream was a little uncouth and was unusually textured, but tasted quite palatable. Nowadays, Sun Maid raisin packets come with little inspirational quotes on them such as: 'Work hard. Play fair. Sleep well', and 'Help a friend'. My favourite one is 'Do your homework first, play later'. The first one EVER was dedicated to Warren and it said 'Don't worry if you accidentally drop raisins into the rum icecream which you are trying to make, because you won't get fired and a few people will fucking love this new icecream flavour'. 
• Penny farthings. How would anyone ever think that one massive wheel and one tiny wheel would make a good bicycle? This guy crashed. Apparently, you don't have to move your legs very much..to...actually....pedal the...in terms of...
• Wingdings. I can understand wanting the pictures, but why would you have it as a font after the invention of clipart? After the absurdity of Wingdings (the original), they had the audacity to create Wingdings 2, incase you needed to replace a letter with a pair of scissors which is on a slightly different angle to the other four scissors offered in the original Wingdings. Admittedly, it was fun when I was six to write things in Wingdings so people couldn't understand. It was like a secret code, except it was quite a useless secret code because I didn't have it memorised either. All you had to do was change the font back to Comic Sans. BAM. Problem solved. They words now look more casual and fun and slightly humorous. What I should have done was make it into my own kind of PHYSICAL SIGN LANGUAGE between me and a friend (let's imagine that I had one.) Sign language Wingdings style would be easy. Scissors! Jew star! Pencil! Book! Plus many more! 
• Creed.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Did you know that people eat more M&Ms out of a bowl with 7 colours than they do with 4 colours? WHADUP psychology. I guess you gotta eat all the colours.  
• I find it so awkward when people ask me about koalas and kangaroos in New Zealand. It doesn't make me mad, but it just hurts a little that we actually don't have ANY cool animals. Mostly I just walk away. 
• Maybe we can change the world if we think about snowflakes enough. <3 Slacktivism. 
• My friend from work is getting me to read science fiction. I don't like science fiction. I HATE SCIENCE FICTION. Then I realised that I'm being genreist. I dont think that's a word. Being genreist is almost as bad as being racist or sexist, right? I'm already jizzing myself over racy cover illustrations... 
• I actually love this show. When you're looking at horses, you're not thinking about the other things in your life. 

Gotta run!!

Have a great day.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Things I DO NOT Have a Boner For

I often write lists.


Here is a list of things I do not have a boner for.

• Sequins or anything with sequins on it. 
• Having a job which involves me wearing a name tag.
• Starbucks. No I don't want a frappafuckalattemochacuntachino with whipshit. If I buy it from you, it will taste like $10 bum. And why the frick do they make their smallest size a 'tall'? HELLO, IT'S ALL RELATIVE!
• Having a hangover when I really wasn't drunk enough to deserve one. 
• Futurama. I don't know why it's still around. When it first came out I was all 'Oh hai, Futurama! You're gonna be really cool and funny and other things because you're created by Matt Groening so that's ok'. However, you have never made me LOL. Also, you're silly because you're science fiction.
• Science fiction.
• Chinese takeaways.
• Playing Guess Who. I'm no raging, hairy, man-hating feminist, but there's only five women. I also love to hate the disclaimer line on the ad which says 'cards don't actually talk'. It's probably a good thing that they don't though, since 80% of them look like pedophiles. 
• The weird stringy stuff which comes off bananas.
• Eating big round things. Example: Donuts. Good work on the hole; points for being fun. But the idea that no one part of the item should be eaten before another concerns me. Where are you supposed to start eating! IT'S TOO CIRCULAR. Conclusion: Do not eat. 
• Comic Sans. Last year one of my lecturers wrote all his slides in Comic Sans and it made me feel like I was in the Kidz Korner. Come on buddy, there's nothing comical about development economics. Also, go back to the 90s. It would have made me happier if he wrote in Wingdings. 
• Sneans. Jeakers. Whatever you call 'em, don't do it.
• Rice risotto. Oh hai sludge. 
• Taking the bus because I'm a snob and I'm not as poor or as smelly or as weird or as old or as school-aged as the people who do. 
• Birds.
• Those ridiculous earthy hippy 'philosophies' which are supposed to mean something but are just a pile of shite. Take these: 'Poverty is the greatest gift you can give a person. It is only then that they will have a choice to either become valuable or die as a quitter.' Or 'If a baby can smile living off only breast milk and a mother's love, you can smile too'. Personally, I prefer this: 'When it's raining inside, you're fucked'. 
• Adam Sandler.
• When it's sunny but raining. WADUP Dunedin.
• When mint and chocolate get mixed together and it's always gross.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Noah's Ark would have actually been massive. Logistical nightmare eh. 
• I watched My Big Fat Gypsie Wedding the other day. Excellent show. Anyway, at the wedding the they had an owl carry the rings. What the shit INTERROBANG I want this even though it's HarryPotterWeird. 
• Cheese should ALWAYS be perfectly tessellated when the assembler is assembling the sub at subway. 
• I quite like German words in English, like Über (cool umlaut!), muesli, wunderbar, and foosball. They sound fun.  
• Watch this! 

Bye bye and thank you for reading. 

With love

Liz Tritops