Why Hoarders is the BEST Show

I know when I'm watching bad television. One of the great things about Hoarders is that, even though it's rubbish, I still feel really good about myself because my life is better than the lives of the people who are on the show. 


Here are some reasons why I think Hoarders is the GREATEST:

• Some people keep chainsaws in their kitchen cupboards. 
• This lady's all like: "Be careful with my collection of garden magazines from 1957". Said collection has literally been lying under rat shit. 
• Sometimes the background music sounds like the music off Home Alone when Kevin is boobytrapping the house. 
• Many of the hoarders invariably fail at sorting their things out. As Wes Anderson taught us, failure is always more interesting than success. At the end of the show, sometimes it will tell you something like "Child Protective Services decided that Wendy is still a malicious hoarder and she cannot have her children back. Wendy had a heart attack under a pile of newly acquired boxes six weeks ago." Then I think, what the fuck did I just spend an hour watching? I like that it's real. So real. 
• Sometimes there are cute husbands who haven't divorced their hoarder wives yet because they really love them. 'Til death and all that. 
• Sad is refreshing. I was watching this special on animal hoarders, and there was this old lesbian couple who decided it was their mission to save all the animals of the world. Maybe like Noah's Ark but without the ark, and without Noah. In turn, they had so many animals that they couldn't look after any of them and they were all starving and manky and barky. 
• Here is a tag line for one of the episodes: 'Every room in Phyllis' house is packed with dolls. Her obsession has manifested itself into a floor to ceiling collection of bags stuffed with dolls, and a doll hospital in a spare bedroom where she "amputates" the limbs.' HOW COULD YOU NOT WATCH THAT?

Here are some quotes and pictures if you wanna see!!

From someone, in some episode: "She prefers to be alone. I think the collecting of things is kind of... her people." 
BUY A GRAMMAR! 


Look! This slipper was half-eaten by a rat! Why do you have it‽‽‽

The guys who work on the clean-up team are hilarious. In one episode, Kerrylea was crying because there was a missing piece of a broken tile which she needed to glue the tile back together. This is Kerrylea: 

She kinda sucks at life. Also, her name is Kerrylea.


One of the clean-up boys was all like: "We probably just threw out the piece of tile because...um...it was a broken piece of tile." Just by looking at his face you know he's thinking 'I wanna through out all this junk and get the eff out of here I hate my life.' 

Scandals like this happen: 

SCANDAL! DISASTROUS!
No, you can't press play. It's just a silly screenshot.  


"My name is Gary and I'm unemployed. Yeah, I got too many bunnies."
Also from Gary: "I've never done nothing wrong in my life. Misdemeanors, yeah, that's growing up and stuff like that. What did I do wrong? I have bunnies. That's what I did wrong."


"Peanut butter jars are NOT construction supplies!" - A daughter to her father. 


Check out this lady:

She was already a hoarder. Then she decides that she's going to get some crystals to help with her hoarding. Nek minnit, she is hoarding crystals. Oh the irony. 


I hope you appreciate all the research which has gone into this show. Primarily, this entailed watching Hoarders for hours. 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• Last night I had a dream where I went to the doctor's and they gave me breast implants. (I don't know who 'they' were.) I woke up and had to make sure I didn't have too much boob because I didn't know if I was dreaming. In the dream my nipples were in funny places. It was bizarre.
• My flatmate brought toast cutter that makes a piece of toast into two dinosaurs! I LOVE HER! Not only does it dinosaur, it also multiplies! (I just made dinosaur into a verb. That happened.)
• I'm going to run in a half marathon soon. Then a full marathon. I will turn awesome! I'm also going to be one of those annoying people who will want to show people my toned thighs and tell them how I love to leave parties early and get up at 5am to run for two hours when it's pissing down with rain. I know THEY WON'T GET IT! 
• Watch this! It's from Pokemon. 

I gotta go. 


I will write again sooooon.


Liz Tritops


xoxo

My 100 Favorite Things - Part II

Hey you!

Here are some more things which I like. It's a continuation of this list. 

29. Watching animals stretch. Check out this little guy. Is he even a dog? 
30. Handheld transceivers. Tin can telephones - also fun.  
31. Pachyderms. I think they're pretty special. You look at them and think 'you're just a big grey blob'. True... but there's nothing else quite like them.
32. Streakers at sport. Surprise nudity is almost always excellent. 
33. Seeing angry people in the rain.
34. Avocado. I hadn't even tried avocado until I was 15 or something. I've got 15 years of avocado eating to catch up on. 
35. SOMEONE BUILD ME A TREEHOUSE BECAUSE I WANT ONE.  
36. When you eat something that's so spicy and it hurts heaps and you have to chug milk and then you know everything's going to be okay because you don't die.
37. Squirtle. It's a turtle that can squirt. Very clever. 
38. Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. But NOT Home Alone 3 or Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House. I won't lie to you and tell you that I have seen the fourth installment. I'm sure it's equally as offensive as Home Alone 3. 
39. Vodka.
40. Being inside a sleeping bag inside a tent inside a room (with vodka is even more excellent. And maybe some other people too because sometimes I like people. (Optional extra.))
41. Crappy Powerpoint presentations which you had to make when you were a kid and your teachers probably thought they were good because they didn't know what technology was and you could spend 10 hours chatting to your friends on MSN Messenger lmao rofl (pl). (pl) was the emoticon for plate. NO LIE. Why would you ever even send that to anyone‽ 'Oh hey Tom! Here have a virtual plate! (pl) LOL.'  Meanwhile, back at the Batcave, the rest of the time you played with WordArt and probably made titles that utilised the 'bend' effect and had ALL the colours. You thought they were KEWL. 
42. Getting pudding when you weren't expecting it. (Fruit doesn't count. Unless it's mango. Maybe.) 
43. When a song is sooo much more than 'just a song' because it's a MOTHAFUCKING DUET!!!! I like interaction. Duets are underrated. 
44. Seeing poor children smile. 
45. When you bump into someone that you know from one place but you're both in a different place. And you're all like 'Wow! What the eff are you doing here' and shit gets CRAY-ZEE.
46. Wes Anderson films. I like his colours and the dry humour. And then BAM he makes up a sport which should exist in real life. Whackbat is like the perfect child of cricket and Calvinball.  
47. Calvinball. I wish Calvinball masks were mandatory in day-to-day activities. 
48. Troy and Abed. I want Troy to marry me and I want Abed to be my friend. PLEASE. PICK ME PICK ME. 
49. Piñatas. You're blind, you try and hit something with a stick, people laugh at you, you try and hit something with stick again, you maybe break it, you get lots of lollies. Great progression. Simple, but effective. 
50. When you're driving through an intersection and you sneeze and you don't die. 
51. When I brush my teeth, floss my teeth, and do the mouthwash-thing all in the same oral hygiene session. It's like an oral hygiene orgasm.
52. Highland cattle. They're so ridiculous looking. 
53. Wearing a sports uniform because I'm in a team and I like sport. 
54. When I bake a cake that looks good AND tastes good. 
55. Super-muscly children from former Soviet countries. I don't really know if they exist very often, but I like to think they do. 

Here are some children. They are poor but still smiling! 

Smiling Bolivian Children

Smiling Thai Child

In other news:

This week a teenager said to me: "You must like Eminem because you have a really good vocabulary." Wow. Fairplay, kid. 

I am in Auckland today. I have an important interview for my Visa to let me work in the USA tomorrow so I'm a little nervous! I hope they're not cunts about the process. 
I also get to see some people who I think are okay, and it's much warmer here. 




I should sleep now. BYE!