My Relationship Between Stress and Ice Cream

I haven't written in ages. I've been super busy running around and doing activities. I started reading about Harry Potter again, because I still don't know who dies and who lives. I've also been trying to figure out what to do with my life because America is about to kick me out.
Sometimes I'm not too stressed about leaving very soon. I still don't know what I'm doing or where I am going. Other times, reality hits and I have an internal freakout. What happens when I tell people that I'm leaving is that they ask me what I'm doing next. Then when I think about it, that's when I have another mental panic. 

I have stress symptoms. Here are some things that happen. 

• I don't talk, or,
• I talk too much about everything which is mundane to most people but exciting to me, and generally has no relevance to life. Cue dinos, animals, and 'would you rather' questions.
• Watch TV to take my mind off all the things I should be doing. End up having more things to do because I have been watching TV. 
• Decide I have no time to run. I actually do have time to run, because I have somehow been making time for TV. Get more stressed because I'm not running. 
• Stop being hungry, but
• I eating all the things because it makes me feel like I am being productive. People need to eat, right? 

This is a story about icecream.*

Usually I have icecream in the house because of Icecream Sunday. Icecream Sunday is the day where I am allowed to eat icecream. (I have days designated to exciting things in my life. Click here for more!) I have some 'Everything but the...' in the freezer. I'm telling you, this flavour is like a quarter of an orgasm, for reals. It has vanilla and chocolate icecream with white chocolate chunks, peanut butter cups, Heath bar chunks, and chocolate covered almonds. 
Stressed Liz needs an activity = worst icecream eating method ever. 
The problem with icecream that has so many yummy chunks is that I only want to eat the chunks. This turns into a game. I find a peanut butter cup, eat it, then I find some white chocolate, so I eat that, then oh my freaking gosh there's some Heath bar! A tiny piece of another peanut butter cup is exposed I have to fucking dig the shit out of the icecream. All the chunks must be mined!!!! FIND ALL THE WHITE CHOCOLATE! EAT ALL THE PIECES OF EVERYTHING!
What am I left with? A small amount of semi-melted and churned up icecream with no more chunks of fun :( 
I proceed to put on some fat pants (should have done this before icecream eating, duh Liz) and crawl into fetal position. Exact positioning must be strategic, to ensure maximum comfort and also so that I can see what's going on on episode of Hoarders. Hint: Weird people are hoarding things.
Eyes close.
Time elapses. 
Wake up some time later. What year is it? Who knows. Did I wake up from the best party in the world? Answer = no.
Squirrels have invaded apartment.
Flatmate is on other couch, also looking deranged.
Room is full of Ben and Jerry's containers. Most are empty, some have melted icecream, but don't even think that you could find remaining peanut butter cup hunks. Na-ah, gurlfriend. 
No, we don't have great hair. 
Apartment smells like failure, and possibly dead cats. 

THE END

*May or may not be based on a true story. 

Because of occurrences like this, I have been avoiding telling people that I WILL BE LEAVING PORTLAND IN LYK OMG 7 DAYS.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• There are some things that I know I don't know. a) Do friendly goats exist? b) What Blu-ray is. I care enough to be aware that I don't know what it is, but I don't care enough to Google it to find out. I don't have time for that shiz. Usually I just imagine a bright blue stingray being all like 'hey guys! I'm blue!
• I will refuse to drink peppermint and chamomile tea on a regular basis. Not only do they taste like  I'm eating flowers, but I fear that I will turn into an aggressively calm person. 
• Watch this!

The End

Love you all

Liz Tritops

xoxo

New Year blah blah blah...

Apparently it's a new year.

New Year's resolutions are dumb. I'm not keen on them. I think if you genuinly care to make a positive change in your life, it shouldn't matter what day you do it on. All days are created equal. 
I am, however, all about reflection.

Things I learned last year:

• Never be boring. If you stop trying new things then you will become boring. 
• Things I don't like about not being 'settled': I can't have a dog. I can't have nice things to cook/bake with. Who carries a wok in their luggage these days? I can't have a piano. Who carries a piano in their luggage these days? It's hard to play sport.  
• That being said, trampoline dodgeball is one of my new favourite sports. I did play that.
• Tater tots are ze best. 
• Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
• Jail and prison are different things. I feel like I should have learnt this 10 years ago.
• Some movies that were awesome when you were a kid just aren't anymore. Like Josh Kirby...Time Warrior! And like The Indian in the Cupboard. Jumanji? Beethoven's 2nd? Who even knows. The trouble is, it's impossible to know if they're still good without re-watching them. 
• No man should think boobs are always awesome. The hoards of homeless women in Portland exemplify this. 
• "That's hilarious." is apparently an adequate response to ANYTHING. 
• No matter how many Pugs and French Bulldogs I see, I will never stop thinking 'ALIEN DOG!!!' every time. 
• I will never take malaria tablets. They say you're not allowed to have alcohol or sun when you take them. Why go on holiday? To drink water and sit in the shade? I don't think so. I'll take the malaria, thanks. (Hint: I don't have malaria.) 
• Tic Tacs must be eaten in twos. And only in twos. 
• Squirrels are like...real good at jumping and shit...they're athletes. Check it.
• If I am a woman, I only have two options: 

• Did I seriously have sushi only three times? What the heck is wrong with this gurl‽ I will not be making this mistake again.  
• If you use a word that people don't understand, most of them won't ask what it means. Why don't we want to learn things anymore? 

Things I didn't learn last year:

• Wether fabric softener actually softens fabric. 
• If it's 'okay' for me to drink de-caffeinated coffee. It just seems so wrong...
• How to do long division.

Watch this before you go.

Thanks for reading

Liz Tritops

xoxo 

How I Get Points

I play a game with myself to make life better.

Basically, I get a point for doing or seeing certain things. If I get 10 points, I get to eat icecream. This is fantastic, because I really like icecream.

How I accrue a point:

• I eat cheese. Note: If I eat more than one 'cheese unit' I don't get more than one point. 
• I see a squirrel.
• I see an animal which I have never seen before. Let's go to the zoo!
• I wake up just before my alarm goes off.
• I go for a run when it's dark and I don't get attacked by clowns, rapists, or drop bears.
• I think about someone who I never see and then I see them on the same day!
• I eat icecream.
• I get to say hello to a new dog that I haven't said hello to before.
• I see a penny farthing. 
• I see someone in a pinstripe suit. 
• I can hold my breath until the bus comes (usually I start holding my breath when the bus is between one and two minutes away). Yes I catch the bus sometimes. No I am not smelly or angry.
• I have i-Tunes on shuffle when there are people around and an embarrassing song doesn't play. 
• I see a man order a hot chocolate.
• I see a someone smoking a cigar.

See the 7th bullet point? Look what I did! So if I already have nine points then all I have to do is eat icecream then I get more icecream. WHADDUP GENIUS. 

I still haven't got to 10 points.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Party-pooper. That's a weird thing to say. Imagine someone who just goes into a party, shits on the floor, and then leaves. 
• I never had a rubber duck as a bath toy. Who even did? Was I missing out? Was a rubby ducky that quintessential of a bathtime play-thang? OMG bath toys existed! I haven't even thought about bath toys in years. I guess it's one of those thingys where if you are not a child and don't have one, you never talk about or even see bathtoys. Kids gotta play, right.
• Would chicken toes sell as well as chicken fingers?
• I really really really miss baking things. 
• What was up with this craze? 
• Watch this! It's real cute!

I gotta go now. 

Well, not really.

I don't have to work today. So I'm gonna sleep some more and watch Community and read and write. YAY!

Lots of love

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Why I Think America is OK

Hi!


I'm gonna write about the USA now. This is not something I will do very often, because sometimes cultural comparisons make people fight-y. Hence why the list is made up of trivial things. I LIKE AMERICA AND I LIKE NEW ZEALAND!!! OK??? 


Here are some things which I like about this place:

• The butter in the fridge is always soft. How does it do this???
• Squirrels exist (they don't come out when it's raining though, and it rains ALOT in Portland). If I see a squirrel, I get a point. If I get 10 points in a day, I get icecream. I can get points for other things also. I might tell you about this game on another day. Germans can't say 'squirrel'. 
• They have these carrots which come in bags and they're baby sized but peeled. Apparently they aren't actually baby carrots, but regular sized carrots which have been put through these machines and they come out much more small. No more cutting carrot sticks!!! 
• There are many yellow school buses. I guess I knew that they existed, but I always thought that they were over-represented in movies and on the Simpsons and in those books about The Magic School Bus, for some kind of 'yellow school bus nostalgia' effect; but they're actually everywhere. When travelling from Portland to Salem, I saw where the school buses slept, and there must have been around 500 yellow school buses located in one small location! THAT'S HEAPS!
• Tater tots. They're tasty as. I could write about the food here for years. But all I'm gonna say about this is that now I understand why Napoleon carried them in his pocket. 
• People who look like they might be trying to be pirates. So far, I have seen many of them. They're either guys with bandanas and pierced-ears, or long hair and beards and cargo pants. Pirates invented cargo pants because they needed all the pockets they could get. I think the mullet in New Zealand is like the pirate in the US. 
• Homeless people have dogs as pets and they look quite happy.
• Seeing baseball parks. I don't quite know why I like this so much, maybe it's because they're differently shaped and there's a little mound where the pitcher stands and for some reason I think that's nifty. 
• There are fewer annoying birds; I haven't seen any seagulls yet.
• The way that people from some states seem to hate other states. Often it seems irrational. For example: "Nothing fucking happens in Alabama." I'm sure many, many, many things happen on a daily basis in Alabama. Five million people live there. Also: "People in Minnesota remind me of badly smashed potatoes. Lumpy and white."    (I actually kinda hate Florida. Don't tell anyone.)
• You can keep a snake or a chimpanzee as a pet if you want to. Wouldn't recommend the chimpanzee.  One day, when I have far to much money, I'm going to keep otters as pets. Probably in my moat. They hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift away. This is not a joke. If you click this link, you will die of cute. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I thought that Gatorade was spelt like 'gator aid' and it was a kind of drink that would also aid alligators. To fight or something. Now I feel funny about Gatorade because I don't know what it stands for or what the premise is. 
• I've always wanted to do that thing where you make the recipes out of the jelly beans on the Jelly Belly packaging. Does strawberry shortcake really taste like strawberry shortcake? I don't know. I don't feel ok about not knowing. 
• Are guinea pigs really 90s pets? Or is it just that it was the 90s when I was the appropriate age to own a guinea pig? FUCK. 
• Watch this!

Bye bye. Thanks for reading!

Much love

Liz Tritops

xoxo

The Peanut-Person, Squirrels, Flat Pencils, and More Unrelated Things.

HELLO! 


My friend Matthew asked me a bunch of questions which I quite liked. 


Then I thought to myself 'Hey Liz! Why don't you share this‽' 


This is his message: 


hey Liz, 

1.Whats the point of sprinkles on ice cream?
2.if you like chunks in your ice cream are you destined to wear corduroy?
3. have you never seen a squirrel?
4. did you ever go to camp?
5. is it better to wrestle in pudding or jello and why?
6. dicks
7. what is your favourite piece of play ground equipment?
8.pick a date
9 bust a rhyme
10. do you think if you take a child into outter space their head will explode?
11. hows dunners and how ya getting by?
12. why are mullets and rat tails the coolest thing going in nz?
13. what is you some kinda swamp peoples er sumthin?
14. for fuck sake!

THE END 




1. What is the point of sprinkles on ice cream?


Well, I think it's mostly aesthetics, because usually sprinkles don't taste that great. Personally I prefer chocolate hail or nuts (I think they're peanuts?) as my sprinkling of choice, which is quite odd because I'm not really a peanut-person.


Allow me to digress.


Digressing...


Ok. Peanut-person. What the frick‽  Whenever someone says 'I'm not really a (insert noun here)-person' I always think of an actual hybrid. For example, a peanut-person is a half-peanut-half-person. If you were to say 'I'm not really a cheese-person' (if you don't like cheese you should probably be shot) then you would be half-cheese half-person. 


Illustration Time: 

Peanut Person

Peanut-person has a monocle because he's stuck in the 1800s. He also has a problem standing up since his feet aren't big enough to support his relatively giant peanut body. Poor little dude. He hates life, but he still forces a smile because he knows that life would be even shittier without friends. Don't try and tell me it's not possible for a peanut-person hybrid. I know that peanuts and humans have the same number of chromosomes. 


Digression OVAH. 


If there was one thing I would tell ice cream sprinkles, it's that I would rather have sauce instead.


2. If you like chunks in your ice cream are you destined to wear corduroy? 


I think yes. The logic speaks for itself. 


3. Have you ever seen a squirrel?


No! But I can't wait to see one of those cute, cheeky little rodents! I'll let you know as soon as I do. I already love them with every ounce of my being. This guy 'almost got raped by that squirrel'. WATCH IT! 


4. Did you ever go to camp?


I went to camp more times than you could imagine! I went on school camps and ambulance cadet camps and then one time when I was 7-ish I went on a Jesus camp. I think we made WWJD bracelets, but mostly we played fun games and did activities. I got to ride a horse which was ok, except I don't think I'm really a horse-person. Tehe. Sometimes we sang songs about Jesus. 


I think What Would Jesus Do‽ is a little unrealistic. If I could, I would turn water into wine, walk on water, and do other amazing water-related things. 
Personally, I prefer WWBD‽ (What Would Batman Do‽) Much more feasible. 


5. Is it better to wrestle in pudding or jello and why?


I think jello would be nicer to wrestle in because pudding is better to eat. Gosh I love pudding. Finding out you're gonna get pudding when you're not expecting it is in my Top 100 Things. 


6. Dicks


Vag.


7. What is your favourite piece of play ground equipment?


Sociable Liz likes the Merry Go Round. It may have a silly name, but you can find some minions to push you around and gosh, centrifugal force is fun. 
Anti-social Liz likes the swings. You can do the thang where you spin around so the chains all twisted then you let go and you feel like some kind of spinning superhero. In hindsight it's always dumb because you realise you don't really have a superpower and you just end up freaking out that your hair is gonna get caught in the chain and then your face is gonna rip off and you get really dizzy and useless.


8. Pick a date.


Donald Glover. 
Bonus: I get to be friends with Abed. 


9. Bust a rhyme. 


I'm gonna be that dick, who, during a game of Circle of Death says 'I went to the store and stole an orange/silver/month'. WANKER.


10. Do you think if you take a child into outter space their head will explode?


Definitely. Children are at least ten times more explosive than adults. Good thing I was never a child! 


11. Hows dunners and how ya getting by?


I'm doing ok. My life consists of mostly working and sleeping and I'm not playing football or ice hockey or having two standard drinks so it doesn't really sound fun. But I'm so excited about going on my big adventure that I don't even mind. 


12. Why are mullets and rat tails the coolest thing going in nz?


I don't know. But it does concern me. Soon everyone will be drinking bourbon and coke from a can, buying EVERYTHING on 30 months interest free, hating fags, and being 'Catholic'. Oh, and I WILL be calling my child Blade and dressing him/her in Ed Hardy. Sigh. Bogans. 


13. What is you some kinda swamp peoples er sumthin?


Yes, Matt. We all live in a swamp, and the mullets and rat tails help with buoyancy for when we have to have our bi-annual baths in the swamp. None of us can swim.  


14. For fuck sake! 




Other thoughts from me this week:

• Instead of buying regular pencils from now on I think I will buy those flat pencils which carpenters use. THEY WILL NEVER ROLL AWAY! Also, when people ask me if I'm a carpenter it will be a great conversation starter. I can either:  a) say 'No, I'm not a carpenter but my father is and I use his pencils!' Then they might think I'm Jesus. OR  b) say 'Shit yeah I'm a carpenter! I love carpenting things! OR c) I can just start talking about plumbago 'coz it's a cool word. 
• A tiger only costs $13,000.
• What's Nemo doing now? Did he get typecast or what‽  
• If two ninja turtles had a child together, they'd be pretty gutted if it hatched and it was just a regular turtle. 
• This is excellent! Watch it! 

I must try and find a real job now.

Bye bye

Liz Tritops