High School Was Okay

Some people really hated high school. I didn't. 

Here's why high school was okay:

• Sometimes I was the captain of sports teams like football and dragon boating and it made me feel good at life and a little important.
• I liked to play sport and I was smaller than I am now! That was great! We got to wear blue uniforms for football which is my favourite color to wear when playing THE BEST SPORT. Our uniforms were silky and big; they kind of looked more like pajamas, but I was okay with that because they were comfy and shiny things go faster.  
• There was a rumour going around that this skanky girl had an STI that made her bleed out her anus. I don't think such an STI exists, but it was fun to pass on the rumour (don't worry, I'm only 2% bitch) and it was also fun to say 'anus'.
• I worked at a supermarket when I was 15 and one of my friends and I used to play a game with the food from the produce section, coz thats how cool we were. When we put something like a banana or an apple or a tomato or any other fruit/vegetable type thang through the checkouts we had to ring-up a number, oldskool style. If you were really good, you knew all the codes (PLUs) and could tell the 9,000 types of pears apart from each other. So at school, whenever me and this girl, let's call her Rosamund (this may or may not have been her name. Hint: It was), saw some food that had a PLU, we would have to shout out this 4-digit code, and whoever got it first, won. 'Won what?', you might ask. Er...nothing. 
• In hindsight, maybe working at a supermarket made me realise that high school was comparitively more fun than repeatedly scanning things for people on checkouts, and that I would never want to be stuck doing that for the rest of my life. Apparently I learned an importland lesson: SUCCESSFUL BITCHEZ FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. 
• I like learning! I remember this one lesson we had in biology where we learned about the different sleep cycles animals have. I liked the crepuscular ones the best because they're different and also I think crabs are kind of neat. Then I became crepuscular for a while. Not because I wanted to be a crab or anything like that; I think I just got really excited that crepuscular things even exist so my body decided to try and make me crepuscular on some kind of sub-conscious level. 

Here are a few reasons I like crabs: 

1. I already told you that they are crepuscular. 
2. Most of them move sideways, but not all of them! 
3. The ones that move sideways don't even walk, they slide. Or something. 
4. Thanks to crabs, we have the word 'crabwise'.
5. They talk to each other by drumming or waving their pincers. Much like Italians, yes?

• Biology was actually great (minus for too many years I had this old and boring teacher with cankles). I found it fun to learn about evolution. Sometimes I would look at people and decide what they looked like the most: Example: Does the kid walking into the art block look more like a neanderthal or a homo habilis? NERDALERT? Maybes. 
• Titrating was fun.
• Camp was fun. 
• Sleeping in calculus was fun. 
• Drama class was glorified playtime. 
• P.E. was ACTUAL playtime. 
• The teacher that lied to me about guerrilla warfare and the potato famine was a disaster but also hilarious. 
• WHO WAS HAVING SEX AND WHO WASN'T? WOW!!!!
• I liked wearing a uniform. It was official, and neat, and you didn't have to worry about what to wear everyday. I especially liked wearing a tie. I wore it everyday, partly for status (only the older kids were allowed), but also because I freaking love ties! They're not just for men or punks or lesbians, people! We also wore kilts. This might sound weird, but it wasn't because I was in CHRISTCHURCH. 
• Then I went to high school in Argentina and it was quite different but also fun. Maybe I will write about that one day. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I took life into my own hands and decided to learn the laundry symbols. This one DOES NOT mean keep your button in a box:

• After learning about the laundry symbols, I made up a game called 'Hieroglyphic or Laundry Symbol'. I draw a thing which is either a laundry symbol or a hieroglyphic on a little piece of paper and I make people guess which thing it is! Great game!
• How the fuck do these dolls exist? Apparently grandmas used to make them. Thanks grandma! Ew. 
• ...and here is a dog stealing a cabbage. WATCH IT!

I think that's all.

Byebye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

The Peanut-Person, Squirrels, Flat Pencils, and More Unrelated Things.

HELLO! 


My friend Matthew asked me a bunch of questions which I quite liked. 


Then I thought to myself 'Hey Liz! Why don't you share this‽' 


This is his message: 


hey Liz, 

1.Whats the point of sprinkles on ice cream?
2.if you like chunks in your ice cream are you destined to wear corduroy?
3. have you never seen a squirrel?
4. did you ever go to camp?
5. is it better to wrestle in pudding or jello and why?
6. dicks
7. what is your favourite piece of play ground equipment?
8.pick a date
9 bust a rhyme
10. do you think if you take a child into outter space their head will explode?
11. hows dunners and how ya getting by?
12. why are mullets and rat tails the coolest thing going in nz?
13. what is you some kinda swamp peoples er sumthin?
14. for fuck sake!

THE END 




1. What is the point of sprinkles on ice cream?


Well, I think it's mostly aesthetics, because usually sprinkles don't taste that great. Personally I prefer chocolate hail or nuts (I think they're peanuts?) as my sprinkling of choice, which is quite odd because I'm not really a peanut-person.


Allow me to digress.


Digressing...


Ok. Peanut-person. What the frick‽  Whenever someone says 'I'm not really a (insert noun here)-person' I always think of an actual hybrid. For example, a peanut-person is a half-peanut-half-person. If you were to say 'I'm not really a cheese-person' (if you don't like cheese you should probably be shot) then you would be half-cheese half-person. 


Illustration Time: 

Peanut Person

Peanut-person has a monocle because he's stuck in the 1800s. He also has a problem standing up since his feet aren't big enough to support his relatively giant peanut body. Poor little dude. He hates life, but he still forces a smile because he knows that life would be even shittier without friends. Don't try and tell me it's not possible for a peanut-person hybrid. I know that peanuts and humans have the same number of chromosomes. 


Digression OVAH. 


If there was one thing I would tell ice cream sprinkles, it's that I would rather have sauce instead.


2. If you like chunks in your ice cream are you destined to wear corduroy? 


I think yes. The logic speaks for itself. 


3. Have you ever seen a squirrel?


No! But I can't wait to see one of those cute, cheeky little rodents! I'll let you know as soon as I do. I already love them with every ounce of my being. This guy 'almost got raped by that squirrel'. WATCH IT! 


4. Did you ever go to camp?


I went to camp more times than you could imagine! I went on school camps and ambulance cadet camps and then one time when I was 7-ish I went on a Jesus camp. I think we made WWJD bracelets, but mostly we played fun games and did activities. I got to ride a horse which was ok, except I don't think I'm really a horse-person. Tehe. Sometimes we sang songs about Jesus. 


I think What Would Jesus Do‽ is a little unrealistic. If I could, I would turn water into wine, walk on water, and do other amazing water-related things. 
Personally, I prefer WWBD‽ (What Would Batman Do‽) Much more feasible. 


5. Is it better to wrestle in pudding or jello and why?


I think jello would be nicer to wrestle in because pudding is better to eat. Gosh I love pudding. Finding out you're gonna get pudding when you're not expecting it is in my Top 100 Things. 


6. Dicks


Vag.


7. What is your favourite piece of play ground equipment?


Sociable Liz likes the Merry Go Round. It may have a silly name, but you can find some minions to push you around and gosh, centrifugal force is fun. 
Anti-social Liz likes the swings. You can do the thang where you spin around so the chains all twisted then you let go and you feel like some kind of spinning superhero. In hindsight it's always dumb because you realise you don't really have a superpower and you just end up freaking out that your hair is gonna get caught in the chain and then your face is gonna rip off and you get really dizzy and useless.


8. Pick a date.


Donald Glover. 
Bonus: I get to be friends with Abed. 


9. Bust a rhyme. 


I'm gonna be that dick, who, during a game of Circle of Death says 'I went to the store and stole an orange/silver/month'. WANKER.


10. Do you think if you take a child into outter space their head will explode?


Definitely. Children are at least ten times more explosive than adults. Good thing I was never a child! 


11. Hows dunners and how ya getting by?


I'm doing ok. My life consists of mostly working and sleeping and I'm not playing football or ice hockey or having two standard drinks so it doesn't really sound fun. But I'm so excited about going on my big adventure that I don't even mind. 


12. Why are mullets and rat tails the coolest thing going in nz?


I don't know. But it does concern me. Soon everyone will be drinking bourbon and coke from a can, buying EVERYTHING on 30 months interest free, hating fags, and being 'Catholic'. Oh, and I WILL be calling my child Blade and dressing him/her in Ed Hardy. Sigh. Bogans. 


13. What is you some kinda swamp peoples er sumthin?


Yes, Matt. We all live in a swamp, and the mullets and rat tails help with buoyancy for when we have to have our bi-annual baths in the swamp. None of us can swim.  


14. For fuck sake! 




Other thoughts from me this week:

• Instead of buying regular pencils from now on I think I will buy those flat pencils which carpenters use. THEY WILL NEVER ROLL AWAY! Also, when people ask me if I'm a carpenter it will be a great conversation starter. I can either:  a) say 'No, I'm not a carpenter but my father is and I use his pencils!' Then they might think I'm Jesus. OR  b) say 'Shit yeah I'm a carpenter! I love carpenting things! OR c) I can just start talking about plumbago 'coz it's a cool word. 
• A tiger only costs $13,000.
• What's Nemo doing now? Did he get typecast or what‽  
• If two ninja turtles had a child together, they'd be pretty gutted if it hatched and it was just a regular turtle. 
• This is excellent! Watch it! 

I must try and find a real job now.

Bye bye

Liz Tritops