Sometimes I get a sharp pang of jealousy when I find out that people I know have their lives more sorted than me.
'Sorted' may or may not mean:
- They are dressed more nicely and being more thin.
- They are buying blenders and their first mattresses which were not the second cheapest in the store.
- They may also be buying Christmas ornaments and blenders, because they know where they live, AND they have prettier Christmases than me, and make nicer smoothies than me.
- They have long post-class conversations with their yoga teacher, whose name is either Winter or Ginseng.
- They have a new puppy, or their boyfriend has a new puppy. Maybe even both? The puppies play together.
In these moments of jealousy, I feel like it's high time I did something to arrange a job where:
- I get to wear power heels, but it's okay because I magically, overnight, learned how to walk like a godess in them.
- I go to Monday morning meetings, and I LIKE THEM because...
- I have a mimosa before my Monday morning meetings. I know you're thinking 'but Liz, mimosas are for Sunday brunch, not Monday morning!' Wait! I love my job so much that Monday morning is to be celebrated, dammit!
- Mimosa is prepared by boyfriend with new puppy. Soon, puppy will be trained to make mimosa so I can stay in bed with boyfriend.
- Don't worry, I already secretly ran 10k.
- Monday morning meeting has everything catered by high-end catering company, so I can have mini croissants if I want to, but I don't even eat those! The main reason is so I can judge the girls who DO eat the mini croissants. Do I judge the men who eat them? Of course not. That would be absurd.
- There are numerous opportunities for promotion. I can earn promotion by A) Blowing the boss. B) Working my arse off. C). Just by being so charming that everyone loves me and wants me at ALL the important meetings and business trips because I make them laugh AND maybe I can be pretty too?
- I have the freedom to choose either B), or C). Maybe A) in desperate times!
Sometimes, I wish I knew where this job was.
Other times, I would rather just play and take trips in planes and make flowcharts.
Here is a flowchart which I made yesterday. It is about hybrid animals. I hope you like it!
(I am still a little shit with computers. It's kind of small.)
Have a good weekend!
Loveyoubye
xoxo
Liz Tritops
Hello.
Look! I'm writing again!
I went to Colombia and I've been really busy so I haven't posted in a good while.
I'm going to be really ambitious and try to post four times this week! That's more than three and less than five, and amounts to a lot of homework for me and hopefully some procrastination for you.
Here are some things that people said before I went to Colombia:
Them: "Don't get kidnapped!"
OKAY I WON'T.
Them: "Watch out for the gorillas!"
I don't think there are gorillas in Colombia, although I did see some at the zoo. They were locked-in so I didn't really need to worry about them attacking me.
Stupid people: "Ooohhhhh....that's dangerous! Why would you want to go there?"
Me: "Have you been to Colombia before?"
Stupid people: "No."
Me: "What's wrong with Colombia?"
Stupid people: "murphm...hmmm....some guy named paulo escobar something cocaine something guns...i dont no omg gtg lolz."
Now look at me being all alive.
Here are some things that happened:
- I met a lot of short, friendly people.
- I saw these crabs that have one really big claw to fight for females, and the other claw is really small and they use that one to eat. Way to violate symmetry, you fuckers! These two are having a show-off. I think this is a premise for a great reality show. The contestants have to workout, but only one arm. This arm gets real massive! Then they leave the other one normal sized. The contestants could fight for a woman (Bachelorette-esk?) using only their massive arm, and then they have to eat with only their other arm. They would (obviously!) all live in a house together. Great idea. I call it 'When People Become Fiddler Crabs: The Fight For Love'. Hell, if they can make shit like The Next Bus, then anything goes.
- I travelled quite a long way to find real ligers because my book told me that I could find them, and even the zoo's website told me so. I was more excited than you can imagine because I doubt that there are many places in the world where you can find ligers. So I show up at the zoo but they don't even have ligers anymore and I aske why not, and the guy said that it was illegal to breed them and they get too sick and die. On the upside, I saw some other animals that I wanted to steal and keep as pets. Like this little guy:
- I saw a child dressed exactly like Woody from Toy Story. I decided that when I have children I might also dress them like characters from excellent movies.
- This is a kid with a bowl cut doing nothing.
- I don't know why I'm showing you that.
- Lying in a hammock happened.
- Whilst lying in hammock, I decided I might move to Canada when I'm done with the USA and also I need to do more economics-y things.
- I saw heaps of new kinds of fruit that I didn't even know existed! Most of them were really tasty, but some were hard to eat. I feel like even if it tastes really good but it makes your fingers too sticky and you get lots of things in your teeth and it takes 27 minutes to eat then maybe it's just not worth it. There was this thing that was orange-shaped and orange-sized that tasted a little like a mango. It was quite hard to eat. If you know how I feel about mango, then you know that mango is my favourite fruit. But even with this mango-like thing, I feel like the payoff wasn't sufficient.
- Imagine me explaining this concept to a starving child in Somalia.
- I had heaps of fun.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my time on holiday.
Have a great day.
Liz Tritops
xoxo
