My 100 Favorite Things - Part I

I like things. Here are some of the things which I like:

1. Bubble tea. Those little balls of gummy make my soul smile. 
2. Batman. The best superhero by a million miles. He doesn't even need a superpower, he's just got talent fueled by bitterness and revenge. When I manage to get up at 5am to go to the gym, I like to pretend that I'm training to be Batman. 
3. Roman numerals. Next time you're oozing confidence and you feel like giving someone your number, do it in roman numerals. Then if they never text/call you, you can tell yourself that they didn't understand the rumerals (I just made a sweet portmanteau).  
4. New socks. WADUP comfort. 
5. Ferris wheels. They used to be called 'pleasure wheels'. If that doesn't sound like a sex toy, then I dunno what does. 
6. Rafael Nadal's arms. Check 'em out. I also love when he colour-coordinates. 
7. Building forts. I'm quite shit at building forts, so usually I grab a friend and get all littlekidexcited and say 'Hey buddy!!! Let's build a fort!!!!' And they get littlekidexcited too. So I make a coffee and watch friend build fort for us to play in. 
8. People dressed up as objects e.g. fruit and stationary. Doesn't happen quite enough as it should. If I saw this is real life I would die of happiness (It's Good Charlotte. AND WHAT‽ Stop judging me. Now. Stopit.)  
9. The only birds which look friendly - ducks, penguins, and sparrows.
10. Frozen peas. Peas just taste better frozen. FACT.
11. Danny Zuko. If I could steel Calvin's Transmogrifier (I commend Calvin on his cardboard-box technology), then I would transmogrify into Danny Zuko for sure, then I'd have swagga and I could walk round saying fun things like "You can't just walk out of a drive-in". Great line, Danny, great line.    
12. Mango. The fruit to trump all fruit. 
13. Huskies. Get a pack of em', get some snow, and you've got success right thur. 
14. Laughing at funerals because something is genuinely nice and funny and for a moment you forget that you're supposed to be sad. 
15. Simple computer games which I used to love: Oregon Trail, Holiday Lemmings, and Pacman. It took me around six years after I'd got bored of playing Holiday Lemmings to learn that lemmings were real animals and they would die in large numbers because sometimes they really suck at migrating. 
16. Beagles and THIS VIDEO
17. Playjamas.
18. Conversing in idioms. Only in idioms. 
19. Pirates. I like to imagine that the modern pirates who play in the Gulf of Aden have stripy shirts, parrots, and wooden legs. 
20. When there's a spoon in the sink and you're running the tap and the water doesn't repel and get you in the face. 
21. Eggs. 
22. Chuck Taylors. SO MANY COLOURS! 
23. Grammar. I would marry the Oxford comma if I could. 
24. Culture shock. Even culture tingles are nice. I like that it doesn't remind me of anything. 
25. Drinking milk when I'm hungover.
26. Cluedo. Or Clue. Whatever you call it, I always win. Mrs White in the Billiard Room with the Candlestick. That bitch.
27. Bees. I just can't get over the concept that honey bees make honey and we eat it. Bumblebees are cute aswell. Can you name another chubby insect? Unlikely. Also, they have badass stripes.  
28. The smell of rain on warm concrete.

Later days!

Thanks for reading. Don't worry, there are still 72 more things!

Liz Tritops

The Peanut-Person, Squirrels, Flat Pencils, and More Unrelated Things.

HELLO! 


My friend Matthew asked me a bunch of questions which I quite liked. 


Then I thought to myself 'Hey Liz! Why don't you share this‽' 


This is his message: 


hey Liz, 

1.Whats the point of sprinkles on ice cream?
2.if you like chunks in your ice cream are you destined to wear corduroy?
3. have you never seen a squirrel?
4. did you ever go to camp?
5. is it better to wrestle in pudding or jello and why?
6. dicks
7. what is your favourite piece of play ground equipment?
8.pick a date
9 bust a rhyme
10. do you think if you take a child into outter space their head will explode?
11. hows dunners and how ya getting by?
12. why are mullets and rat tails the coolest thing going in nz?
13. what is you some kinda swamp peoples er sumthin?
14. for fuck sake!

THE END 




1. What is the point of sprinkles on ice cream?


Well, I think it's mostly aesthetics, because usually sprinkles don't taste that great. Personally I prefer chocolate hail or nuts (I think they're peanuts?) as my sprinkling of choice, which is quite odd because I'm not really a peanut-person.


Allow me to digress.


Digressing...


Ok. Peanut-person. What the frick‽  Whenever someone says 'I'm not really a (insert noun here)-person' I always think of an actual hybrid. For example, a peanut-person is a half-peanut-half-person. If you were to say 'I'm not really a cheese-person' (if you don't like cheese you should probably be shot) then you would be half-cheese half-person. 


Illustration Time: 

Peanut Person

Peanut-person has a monocle because he's stuck in the 1800s. He also has a problem standing up since his feet aren't big enough to support his relatively giant peanut body. Poor little dude. He hates life, but he still forces a smile because he knows that life would be even shittier without friends. Don't try and tell me it's not possible for a peanut-person hybrid. I know that peanuts and humans have the same number of chromosomes. 


Digression OVAH. 


If there was one thing I would tell ice cream sprinkles, it's that I would rather have sauce instead.


2. If you like chunks in your ice cream are you destined to wear corduroy? 


I think yes. The logic speaks for itself. 


3. Have you ever seen a squirrel?


No! But I can't wait to see one of those cute, cheeky little rodents! I'll let you know as soon as I do. I already love them with every ounce of my being. This guy 'almost got raped by that squirrel'. WATCH IT! 


4. Did you ever go to camp?


I went to camp more times than you could imagine! I went on school camps and ambulance cadet camps and then one time when I was 7-ish I went on a Jesus camp. I think we made WWJD bracelets, but mostly we played fun games and did activities. I got to ride a horse which was ok, except I don't think I'm really a horse-person. Tehe. Sometimes we sang songs about Jesus. 


I think What Would Jesus Do‽ is a little unrealistic. If I could, I would turn water into wine, walk on water, and do other amazing water-related things. 
Personally, I prefer WWBD‽ (What Would Batman Do‽) Much more feasible. 


5. Is it better to wrestle in pudding or jello and why?


I think jello would be nicer to wrestle in because pudding is better to eat. Gosh I love pudding. Finding out you're gonna get pudding when you're not expecting it is in my Top 100 Things. 


6. Dicks


Vag.


7. What is your favourite piece of play ground equipment?


Sociable Liz likes the Merry Go Round. It may have a silly name, but you can find some minions to push you around and gosh, centrifugal force is fun. 
Anti-social Liz likes the swings. You can do the thang where you spin around so the chains all twisted then you let go and you feel like some kind of spinning superhero. In hindsight it's always dumb because you realise you don't really have a superpower and you just end up freaking out that your hair is gonna get caught in the chain and then your face is gonna rip off and you get really dizzy and useless.


8. Pick a date.


Donald Glover. 
Bonus: I get to be friends with Abed. 


9. Bust a rhyme. 


I'm gonna be that dick, who, during a game of Circle of Death says 'I went to the store and stole an orange/silver/month'. WANKER.


10. Do you think if you take a child into outter space their head will explode?


Definitely. Children are at least ten times more explosive than adults. Good thing I was never a child! 


11. Hows dunners and how ya getting by?


I'm doing ok. My life consists of mostly working and sleeping and I'm not playing football or ice hockey or having two standard drinks so it doesn't really sound fun. But I'm so excited about going on my big adventure that I don't even mind. 


12. Why are mullets and rat tails the coolest thing going in nz?


I don't know. But it does concern me. Soon everyone will be drinking bourbon and coke from a can, buying EVERYTHING on 30 months interest free, hating fags, and being 'Catholic'. Oh, and I WILL be calling my child Blade and dressing him/her in Ed Hardy. Sigh. Bogans. 


13. What is you some kinda swamp peoples er sumthin?


Yes, Matt. We all live in a swamp, and the mullets and rat tails help with buoyancy for when we have to have our bi-annual baths in the swamp. None of us can swim.  


14. For fuck sake! 




Other thoughts from me this week:

• Instead of buying regular pencils from now on I think I will buy those flat pencils which carpenters use. THEY WILL NEVER ROLL AWAY! Also, when people ask me if I'm a carpenter it will be a great conversation starter. I can either:  a) say 'No, I'm not a carpenter but my father is and I use his pencils!' Then they might think I'm Jesus. OR  b) say 'Shit yeah I'm a carpenter! I love carpenting things! OR c) I can just start talking about plumbago 'coz it's a cool word. 
• A tiger only costs $13,000.
• What's Nemo doing now? Did he get typecast or what‽  
• If two ninja turtles had a child together, they'd be pretty gutted if it hatched and it was just a regular turtle. 
• This is excellent! Watch it! 

I must try and find a real job now.

Bye bye

Liz Tritops 

Things I DO NOT Have a Boner For

I often write lists.


Here is a list of things I do not have a boner for.

• Sequins or anything with sequins on it. 
• Having a job which involves me wearing a name tag.
• Starbucks. No I don't want a frappafuckalattemochacuntachino with whipshit. If I buy it from you, it will taste like $10 bum. And why the frick do they make their smallest size a 'tall'? HELLO, IT'S ALL RELATIVE!
• Having a hangover when I really wasn't drunk enough to deserve one. 
• Futurama. I don't know why it's still around. When it first came out I was all 'Oh hai, Futurama! You're gonna be really cool and funny and other things because you're created by Matt Groening so that's ok'. However, you have never made me LOL. Also, you're silly because you're science fiction.
• Science fiction.
• Chinese takeaways.
• Playing Guess Who. I'm no raging, hairy, man-hating feminist, but there's only five women. I also love to hate the disclaimer line on the ad which says 'cards don't actually talk'. It's probably a good thing that they don't though, since 80% of them look like pedophiles. 
• The weird stringy stuff which comes off bananas.
• Eating big round things. Example: Donuts. Good work on the hole; points for being fun. But the idea that no one part of the item should be eaten before another concerns me. Where are you supposed to start eating! IT'S TOO CIRCULAR. Conclusion: Do not eat. 
• Comic Sans. Last year one of my lecturers wrote all his slides in Comic Sans and it made me feel like I was in the Kidz Korner. Come on buddy, there's nothing comical about development economics. Also, go back to the 90s. It would have made me happier if he wrote in Wingdings. 
• Sneans. Jeakers. Whatever you call 'em, don't do it.
• Rice risotto. Oh hai sludge. 
• Taking the bus because I'm a snob and I'm not as poor or as smelly or as weird or as old or as school-aged as the people who do. 
• Birds.
• Those ridiculous earthy hippy 'philosophies' which are supposed to mean something but are just a pile of shite. Take these: 'Poverty is the greatest gift you can give a person. It is only then that they will have a choice to either become valuable or die as a quitter.' Or 'If a baby can smile living off only breast milk and a mother's love, you can smile too'. Personally, I prefer this: 'When it's raining inside, you're fucked'. 
• Adam Sandler.
• When it's sunny but raining. WADUP Dunedin.
• When mint and chocolate get mixed together and it's always gross.

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Noah's Ark would have actually been massive. Logistical nightmare eh. 
• I watched My Big Fat Gypsie Wedding the other day. Excellent show. Anyway, at the wedding the they had an owl carry the rings. What the shit INTERROBANG I want this even though it's HarryPotterWeird. 
• Cheese should ALWAYS be perfectly tessellated when the assembler is assembling the sub at subway. 
• I quite like German words in English, like Über (cool umlaut!), muesli, wunderbar, and foosball. They sound fun.  
• Watch this! 

Bye bye and thank you for reading. 

With love

Liz Tritops 

My History Teacher

Hello! 


Here is a story about high school.  


I hade an awful social studies/history teacher for four years. She lied to me, and did other silly things like lose her glasses when they were on top of her head. She played with her things too much when she talked; she used to strangle herself a little bit with her necklace and break the pens that she was holding.


This one time we were learning about dykes and I asked her what a volcanic dyke was because I didn't really know. Also I was 14 so I found that kind of thing hilarious. She then went and did a search on the internet for 'dykes'. I like to think SafeSearch was tuned off. 


I think she was a nice lady but probably shouldn't have been a teacher. I would want her as a grandma instead of someone who got us to do posters every week for a year. She was short and fat like Nicole Kidman #2 (see below), wore lots of beads, always wore dresses and skirts instead of pants, and had a hard time being grumpy but a soft time being flustered. She would 'forget' her photocopying, tell us she was going to go back to remember it, then come back 20 minutes later with nothing and pretend nothing had happend, and continue use the word 'actually' a bijaillion times per sentence. She would also start sentences with 'is that'. THIS MAKES NO SENSE! For example, she would say: 'Is that I actually want you to cut out some pictures from these magazines and actually stick them onto a sheet of A3 paper because you will actually learn a lot about history', or 'Is that World War 2 was actually started by Chile and Norway but not many people actually know that this actually happened.'


Here are the three things which I will never forgive her for:

1. She told our class that her daughter looked like Nicole Kidman. One day, I saw her daughter walking through the school and she was short, really fat, and quite unattractive. 
2. She told our class that the Irish potato famine NEVER HAPPENED. Look lady, it happened. I was there. JK JK LOL Trickedya! I wasn't there. But I'm pretty sure that one million people died 'coz the potatoes caught blight. If I were a potato, I wouldn't want blight. It makes you all rotten and shrunken and shitty. I think it's fun to say potato in an Irish accent, mostly because it's the only word I can do. 'pɑteto'. Go on. Try it!
3. She told our class that guerilla warfare was named as such because it's derived from the way gorillas fight. Even my 12 year old self was smart enough to know that she was making things up. Firstly, it's spelt differently. Secondly, gorillas don't attack unless they feel threatened, and they don't really ambush or raid. They just use their fists and it looks a bit like fun. As for guerilla warfare, Che Guevara quite liked explosives. Hey Gorillas! Where are your bombs at?

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Raspberry has a 'p' in it. So does cupboard. It's a board that you put your cups on. 
• Ligers are bigger than both tigers and lions. HOW DO THEY DO IT‽ Also, you can buy a zorse here. (Maybe don't click on that link, It's a terrible site, and it's hard to find how much it will cost me to acquire a zorse. Zorse. Zorse. I love saying that word, even if it's only in my head.)  When I'm a billionaire I will have a zoo filled with hybrids. Zorses, ligers, camas, leopons, grolar bears, geeps, pipizzlies, etc.  The zoo will be open forever (may be unrealistic??? NOTHING CAN BREED). It will be surrounded by a moat because all the hybrids like moats just as much as me. 
• I really don't like teal. It doesn't know if it's blue or green. Come on buddy, figure it out. 
• WATCH THIS!

Bye bye. 

xoxo

Liz Tritops

I Like Salt On My Food

There's two kinds of people in the world. People who like salt, and people who don't.  


Salt is pretty kewl. Unless you're a snail (Osmosis - you gotta watch that shit).


What's worse than soggy hot chips?
Unsalted soggy hot chips. 


Salt and vins. Probably the best flavour ever invented.


Veruca Salt. She's ok. Miss Salt gets to stand on an Eggdictator. Someone please get me one of those.  Who else can demand a squirrel and get one? Squirrels really do melt my heart. Not gonna lie: I've never seen one. IRRELEVANT. They have bright eyes and bushy tails and I just like 'em.  


Salt. Tequila. Lemon. Fuck. In that order. It's a well-known fact that tequila makes everyone horny ∴ salt makes shit happen. 

But LOOK! 


Exhibit A - Morton Salt.

Logo: When it rains, it pours.
The Morton Salt girl is a babe. 
She doesn't care that it's raining because she's going places. AND SHE'S GOT SALT MOTHAFUCKA. But when she arrives, she's gonna freak out 'coz there ain't gonna be no salt left. And she'll be like yo nigga where da salt at INTERROBANG. 
Apparently, you know that it's good salt because despite the wet conditions, the salt can be poured freely. 


Exhibit B - Cerebos.

Me with the Salt. I'm seeing how it runs
whist looking like a maniac. 

Logo: See How It Runs. 
I was quite confused about the logo and the picture so my friend Matt and I entered into some important correspondence.


Here is the email:


To whom it may concern

After substantial time being stationary on our kitchen table, we have come to question the significance of the label on your salt container. We are curious to understand what 'see how it runs' means. Like the child on the label, if we eat iodised table salt, can we too have a munted hand like the poor child who is running, or will we be able to run as fast as he is running to catch the 'chicken'? Why do you think he wants to catch the chicken, and how will pouring salt on the chicken aid his plight? 

What is the relationship between iodised table salt and 'How Does It Run'?

A graph will appreciated or other appropriate infographics. 

We eagerly await your response. 

Kind Regards

Matthew and Liz 

P.S. We enjoy putting salt our food as much as any other person who isn't worried about their cardiac function. Please feel free to send some samplers of Cerebos salt to the following address so we can enjoy it as much as you do! 

Here is her response (LOL at how she ignored Matthew): 

Dear Liz

Thank you for taking the time to email us about our salt packaging.

You are not alone in wondering what the boy, the chicken and the salt story is - we often have requests just like yours and the impressions vary widely.

We have attached the Cerebos Salt Of Life Story for your enjoyment.

The salt helped the child to recover his vitality and a joy of life and and the picture was a light humoured tribute to the involuntary hero of the story.  We trust that this answers your very welcome question.

Kind regards

Alice Thornton  

The attached story was possibly the most boring thing I have ever read, and it didn't even start to explain how the boy was an 'involuntary hero'. Ever. Also, no free salt samples were received and I was highly dissapointed at the lack of any graph or other visual aid. Suffice it to say I will not be buying Cerebos salt again. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Buy something from the foreign food isle. You might not know what it is or what it does but I think you should eat it. Bonus points if there's no english on the label. 
• How does one go about inventing ballet?
• 'Fish in the sea you know how I feel'. No. I don't think they do. 
• Watch this! 

Tune in next week yo. 

xoxo 

Liz Tritops