High School Was Okay

Some people really hated high school. I didn't. 

Here's why high school was okay:

• Sometimes I was the captain of sports teams like football and dragon boating and it made me feel good at life and a little important.
• I liked to play sport and I was smaller than I am now! That was great! We got to wear blue uniforms for football which is my favourite color to wear when playing THE BEST SPORT. Our uniforms were silky and big; they kind of looked more like pajamas, but I was okay with that because they were comfy and shiny things go faster.  
• There was a rumour going around that this skanky girl had an STI that made her bleed out her anus. I don't think such an STI exists, but it was fun to pass on the rumour (don't worry, I'm only 2% bitch) and it was also fun to say 'anus'.
• I worked at a supermarket when I was 15 and one of my friends and I used to play a game with the food from the produce section, coz thats how cool we were. When we put something like a banana or an apple or a tomato or any other fruit/vegetable type thang through the checkouts we had to ring-up a number, oldskool style. If you were really good, you knew all the codes (PLUs) and could tell the 9,000 types of pears apart from each other. So at school, whenever me and this girl, let's call her Rosamund (this may or may not have been her name. Hint: It was), saw some food that had a PLU, we would have to shout out this 4-digit code, and whoever got it first, won. 'Won what?', you might ask. Er...nothing. 
• In hindsight, maybe working at a supermarket made me realise that high school was comparitively more fun than repeatedly scanning things for people on checkouts, and that I would never want to be stuck doing that for the rest of my life. Apparently I learned an importland lesson: SUCCESSFUL BITCHEZ FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. 
• I like learning! I remember this one lesson we had in biology where we learned about the different sleep cycles animals have. I liked the crepuscular ones the best because they're different and also I think crabs are kind of neat. Then I became crepuscular for a while. Not because I wanted to be a crab or anything like that; I think I just got really excited that crepuscular things even exist so my body decided to try and make me crepuscular on some kind of sub-conscious level. 

Here are a few reasons I like crabs: 

1. I already told you that they are crepuscular. 
2. Most of them move sideways, but not all of them! 
3. The ones that move sideways don't even walk, they slide. Or something. 
4. Thanks to crabs, we have the word 'crabwise'.
5. They talk to each other by drumming or waving their pincers. Much like Italians, yes?

• Biology was actually great (minus for too many years I had this old and boring teacher with cankles). I found it fun to learn about evolution. Sometimes I would look at people and decide what they looked like the most: Example: Does the kid walking into the art block look more like a neanderthal or a homo habilis? NERDALERT? Maybes. 
• Titrating was fun.
• Camp was fun. 
• Sleeping in calculus was fun. 
• Drama class was glorified playtime. 
• P.E. was ACTUAL playtime. 
• The teacher that lied to me about guerrilla warfare and the potato famine was a disaster but also hilarious. 
• WHO WAS HAVING SEX AND WHO WASN'T? WOW!!!!
• I liked wearing a uniform. It was official, and neat, and you didn't have to worry about what to wear everyday. I especially liked wearing a tie. I wore it everyday, partly for status (only the older kids were allowed), but also because I freaking love ties! They're not just for men or punks or lesbians, people! We also wore kilts. This might sound weird, but it wasn't because I was in CHRISTCHURCH. 
• Then I went to high school in Argentina and it was quite different but also fun. Maybe I will write about that one day. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I took life into my own hands and decided to learn the laundry symbols. This one DOES NOT mean keep your button in a box:

• After learning about the laundry symbols, I made up a game called 'Hieroglyphic or Laundry Symbol'. I draw a thing which is either a laundry symbol or a hieroglyphic on a little piece of paper and I make people guess which thing it is! Great game!
• How the fuck do these dolls exist? Apparently grandmas used to make them. Thanks grandma! Ew. 
• ...and here is a dog stealing a cabbage. WATCH IT!

I think that's all.

Byebye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Have Three Talents And You Do Too!

A friend of mine called Meg taught me that everyone has three talents. I told her she was wrong. She loves it when I get all argue-y.

Then I thought about it.

I am average-to-good at some things. Like economics. And dinosaurs. And lighting fires. And baking. And making charts which not only chart things, but also flow things. I think they call them 'flowcharts'.

I am average-to-bad at some things. Like talking on the phone. And playing Risk. Coz I hate losing, I avoid playing Risk at all costs. It ruins friendships. You make an alliance, and then someone screws you over and attacks Kamchatka and that's a funny word. If winter is approaching, you know not to attack the Ukraine coz shit's too cold. YOUR TANKS WILL FREEZE!!!

I am real shit at other things. Like drawing. I could draw better when I was 4. I also can't put up tents. I also can't walk in heels.

With a little more thought, I realised that there are 3 things that I am ridiculously awesome at:

1. Sleeping on my face.

2. Holding my breath.

3. Cutting my food with fork.

Re: Sleeping on my face

For the last six years, I have been sleeping on my face. People tell me I look like I am dead. I just kind of lie on my tummy with my legs splayed out and my forehead resting under my arm and my face IN my pillow. Why am I alive?

Re: Holding my breath

This could be a direct result of numero uno. I can seriously hold my breath for a fucking long time. Through the Lyttelton Tunnel (1945m). Over the Rakaia Bridge (no idea how long that guy is). This one time, I held my breath under water for 2 minutes and 56 seconds! When I used to be in finance lectures and I was bored as hell I would hold my breath for a minute, then I rest for another, then I hold for another minute...so on and so on...and then class is over, and I may or may not have improved one of my talents!

Re: Cutting my food with fork

I think this stems from a general retardation of myself. I have no fork-mouth co-ordination on my left side. The contents of my fork will fall to my plate or I will stab my cheek. Then it's all over. With the realisation of this, I thought it was time to cut my losses. I ditched the knife, and proceeded to eat one-handed. I can now cut anything with a fork. Seriously. Try me.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? WHY AM I YELLING AT YOU??? Some good has to come out of this. What is the point in having these three amazing talents, just to have them go to waste? The only thing I can come up with is that if the world suddenly ran outa oxygen, and we could only eat with forks, and only sleep on our faces, it would be survival of the fittest and I would WIN. And then I would breed with someone and we would make a Super Race! That is all.

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I would kind of like a koi pond. Not because I really want a koi pond, but more because I want to be able to say I have a koi pond. Say it. 'Koi pond'. It sounds fun. Say it again. I dare you!!! Koi pond! Koi pond! Koi pond! 
• The smell of lavender is just...so....meh? You know? I'm so indifferent. 
• I have this thing where I like to wear my socks. Without shoes. Then I get holes in all my socks. And it doesn't even matter that I'm all good at wearing matchy-matchy socks with fun patterns like stripes and dots on them (the ones with stripes make me go faster!) because they look like shit. Then people tell me I have holes in my socks and they look at me like on a scale of one to orphan I'm, like, an 8. Maybe even an 8.5. NO, I'M NOT AN ORPHAN! MY PARENTS ARE ALIVE BUT I'M TOO OLD FOR THEM TO BUY ME NEW SOCKS EVERY TWO WEEKS! 
• Watch this! It's from 1995!

I like you all.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

How I Know I Am Not A Real Adult

I'm 23. Sometimes I don't feel like it. Here's why:

• Star charts are not only pretty, but they also help me achive things. My flatmate and I made a star chart and we get stars for doing exercise and we call it Starwars!! 
• I don't wash my colours separately. Is that a thing people are supposed to do or a thing Mum told us to do because she thought that it would be a fun game and maybe we can learn colours better if we put our laundry in the appropriate basket? When I was a kid we had a laundry chute for a while. That was fun. Only problem was the laundry chute didn't connect to anything. Duh. 
• I refuse to buy envelopes, so I pay my rent cheque in a carefully folded-up piece of paper and write on it 'This is a very professional looking envelope.' It's time to pretend. What else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute? Oh hai MGMT. 
• I don't see why there can't be lego to play with EVERYWHERE. Like in cafés. And bars. And at the dentist's. For that matter, lego should be available pretty much anywhere with a reception. I can't think of anything more soothing than being allowed to play with lego before getting your cunt waxed or your teeth pulled. I hope you agree!
• Fairy bread is still great. Fairy bread is a common children's birthday party treat in New Zealand. It's white sandwich bread cut into triangles and covered with sprinkles/Hundreds and Thousands. Very fun! 
• How does one go about folding sheets if one's arms are not 2m long? 
• How are farts STILL funny?
• 40-proof 'adult' chocolate milk. Chocolate milk in general. 
• What the hell do you even put fennel with?
• When walking past a playground, and seeing that there are available swings to swing on, not taking this opportunity to swing on them is like saying a big fuck you to everything fun in the world. 
• I think grown ups own wine glasses, and maybe a decent set of knives. I own neither. If you're a 'better' adult (let's call it a 'Level 2' adult), you even get to go to a specialised knife shop to buy your set of knives, and you use each knife for it's correct purpose. All I know is that the smallest knife is awesome for opening OtterPops. 
• Don't I need a pen that I carry around with me so that I can act all wanky and sign with my own $400 thing? 
• Sometimes I still go to work hungover. When this happens, I tend to make very little effort with my appearance, because hungover bitchez don't deserve mascara, in the same way that if you don't do your homework, you don't deserve to plaaay. 
• Always cut toast into smaller pieces, because a whole piece of toast is actually quite big to pick up and is weird to hold. 
• I like to eat baby food. 
• Kidding. Did I trick you?
• I still judge boys on their looks rather than their trust funds. Rookie mistake. 
• What's an oil change and why does my Father keep looking at me like I don't know how to take care of my car?
• Never stop building forts. 
• Never stop putting dinosaur stickers on things. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Over the course of the last few days, I have seen not one, but two pretty ladies who have been wearing cute little dresses and look rather nice. Then I see a fluffy yet spiky tuft of armpit hair. Is this a thing? Like, a new thing? Maybe a Portland thing? Answers, please. 
• I didn't really think about anything else this week. Except maybe that 'turquoise' sounds more like an animal than a colour. 
• Watch this! It's kinda icky. 

That's all. I must go back to work now!

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Think Some Things Are Overrated

When people say they like sitting by the fire in the winter with a warm mug of cocoa, I get it. When they say they enjoy the thrill and excitement of packing to go somewhere new, I get it. And when they say they are rather fond of watching old movies on Christmas day-arvo, I also get it. 


There are a few things that most people seem to be crazy about and when I say I don't like any of these things, people look at me like I just killed their puppy. On purpose.


Here are some things that I just don't think are that great. I guess you could say I think that they're overrated. 


Ze list of overrated thangs: 

• Teaching children the noises that animals make. It's not really that important. BAAAA. MOOOOOO. WOOOOF! This shit ain't even concrete. In Greek, big birds go 'kra kra'. In Japanese, cats go 'nyan'. In French, pigs go 'groin groin'. That shit is cray cray. 
• Having a lawn (unless you have a Mexican to manicure it, right?)
• Oasis. They were never any good. Just popular. Look back in anger. (See what I did there‽)
• Shopping with your grlfrendz. I think in theory this is supposed to be a brilliant idea. You go shopping together because you all need to get something which will make you look HOT for this awesome party you are all going to and everyone is going to be there!! You must make your tits and arse look amazing and then guys can bother you and you can pretend you don't want their attention even though YOU MADE THIS HAPPEN!  I feel like mostly when girls go shopping together it becomes complicated and they all say everything looks great and they're probably lying and really, you're better-off going shopping by yourself, and if you like it, you should just buy it! Questions are asked in self-deprecating ways, such as 'this makes my stomach look fat, doesn't it?' and of corse all the ladiez have to say obviously it doesn't and you look SXY. Everyone gets distracted and buys a million things and then you need to buy all the things to keep up with your girlfrendz and then you need a coffee and then everyone wants to get food so you should also eat a $15 panini which will mean what you just brought won't fit good anymore and you just wasted $15 on a fucking panini and why the hell are you at a mall anyway? Malls make me want to vomit. 
• Sex that lasts a really long time. FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP I'm bored FLAP FLAP I wonder what's on the tele BANG BANG BANG my vagina is getting sore now FLAP FLAP FLAP then I go 'are you gonna come yet?' FLAP FLAP FLAP so he's all 'I want you to come first, baaaabe'  FLAP BANG FLAP BANG...oh hell. 
• Bacon. For me, it's kind of like chewy, salty fat. 
• Being 15. What even happend? NOTHING HAPPENED. 
• That movie WALL-E. EVERYONE LOVED IT SO MUCH. I swear for the first 30 minutes there was no dialogue except WALL-E and EVE saying each others' names in really annoying voices. I feel like I'm missing a part of my brain which everyone else has, and it somehow enabled them to appreciate this movie. It was too optimistic. It was too silent. It was too annoying. 
• Lists. Kidding.
• 'Raising awareness.'
• Celebrity chefs. Maybe next we get to see celebrity brick layers (WHADUP nice arms). 
• Toilets which flush automatically and the toilet paper comes out because there is a sensor and the door also opens by sensors. They often have these so called 'electronic toilets' in New Zealand. Usually they are in small towns which you pass through to get somewhere more exciting. I guess they put them in tiny places show everyone that they're looking into the future and they're revolutionary coz they have a flash electronic toilet! BUT WAIT....they still have dial-up internetz. Whenever I went into those toilets I would freak out because I thought that the sensors might break then I would be stuck in there forever. 
• Iced tea. Ew. Tea should be hot and comforting. If you call it 'sun tea', I might forgive you for drinking it. 
• Nutella. It's kinda gross. And kinda paste-y. 
• New Years Eve. Everyone talks about it like it's going to be an epic night but I never go away camping to listen to copious amounts of live music and take heaps of fun drugs or anything like that because I have a lame life and I like to work a lot. So all I really end up doing is getting drunk like any other night when I get drunk but people still think it's gonna be AWESOME and it's really not. Plus I think resolutions are for dummies. If you wanna change something about your life, change it today! YOLO!
• Pedicures. If you play any fun sport or do any kind of running or walking on the beach then what the fuck is the point? Pay $100 for someone to play with my feet‽ Hell to the no!!! I'd rather pay $100 to have someone NOT touch my feet. 
• Chinese food. More like Chinese pile-of-weird-meat-and-grease! 
• Getting hiiiigh. I want to achieve EVERYTHING! 

Important note: If you combine getting high with some of the other things on this list then they may get okay. Example: Getting high and eating Chinese food. Or getting high and watching WALL-E. Or getting high and teaching children what noises animals make. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I saw a man at the pet shop the other day who was buying bags full of insects for his snakes to eat and he had snake tattoos on his arms and I thought he was weird because I've never seen anyone who is obsessed with snakes before. 
• If you want to confuse people, give partial compliments. Example: "Your top row of teeth is looking lovely today."
• Desert horned lizards can squirt blood from their eyes. 
• This girl doesn't even know how to write, but she's great. WATCH THIS!

OK I'M DONE NOW. 

Bye. Thanks for reading.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

My 100 Favorite Things - Part V

I know I reached 100, but I thought of some more things which I really, really like! There are so many awesome things! 
You can find my other favourite things by clicking these links:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV


Here is the fifth installment: 

1. When people carry children on their back becuase they live in the Andes AND it's practical. The cloths are called aguayos and I like them a lot. LOOK! When I was in Bolivia I often wondered at what age it was acceptable to still be carried. Remember when you were a child and you would pretend you were too little and weak to walk but really you were just being a lazy shithead? Same goes for the kids in these cloths. One time, I swear I saw a kid who was pushing seven years. Poor mum. 
2. Mochi icecream. I can't believe I only discovered mochi this year. That means that I have 22 years of mochi icecream-eating to catch up on. 
3. A cappella, but only when men do it. (In 1913, some suffragette living in some place, threw herself under the King's horse. You may have thought this was me. Hint: It wasn't me.)
4. The smell of tent. You might think it's kinda gross because I guess it smells like stale AND damp at the same time, but to me it smells more like memories and happiness and freedom.
5. City lights at night. Especially when there is water. Then you get city lights, water, and city lights coming off the water!
6. Little dogs who aren't of the rat variety and have the attitude of big dogs. 
7. When it's dark outside but it actually isn't, because there is snow on the ground!
8. Believing that Audrey Hepburn invented breakfast. Thanks, babe.
9. Tiny sombreros.
10. Animals wearing tiny sombreros. Here's a hedgehog/furzepig! Here's a thing! Maybe it's a bear‽
11. Sleeping on my face with my limbs flayed everywhere. Is 'flayed' the right word? (Don't tell me to Google that shit. I'm not on my laptop.)
12. Flirty baristas. HELLO! I didn't just come into this cafe to get a 2% capp and a platonic experience.
13. Power ballads. All of us need an emotive chorus from time to time. Don't fight it!
14. Doing a thing that your family did that you keep on doing even though there's no reason behind it and you don't even live with them anymore. SUNDAY NIGHT ICECREAM!
15. The colour of honey when sunlight shines through it. 
16. Sticking your middle finger up to the weather by eating icecream when it's cold and drinking coffee when it's hot. (I feel like I talk about icecream A LOT. Whatever. I like icecream. YOLO, bitchez!)
17. Milkmen and how they used to deliver milk in glass bottles based on how many glass bottles you left out. I guess they got rid of this system because it was inefficient. For once, I say fuck efficiency. I want nostalgia and regular visits from someone just like Tevye. 
18. Going to a new city/town that's just a little bit shit and realising that you're thankful that home is home.
19. When you find things that look like dinosaurs. This one time I saw a chicken fillet thing that looked more like a velociraptor than a chicken fillet thing and it made my life complete. 
20. Santa when he's not white. Asian santa. Black santa. Latino santa. Latino santa looks like a creeper. 
21. Finding some food which has gone bad and deciding to keep it as a science experiment and NOT getting sick by all the spores which are taking over the whole apartment. (Apparently apple butter is supposed to go in the fridge. No big loss. LET'S SEE HOW WEIRD IT CAN GET!)
22. Pretending you're a tortoise when you're having beers, because in tortoise years, you've only had four!
23. When you're carrying something dangerous in your bag like a banana or yoghurt or some juicy food in a flimsy container and it doesn't leak/explode over all your school books or your sweater and ruin your life. 
24. Telling people the answers to yes/no questions in binary.
25. Seeing people run to catch the bus because it isn't you!

I hope you liked my list of things and that you had a great day.

Will blog again sooooon yay!

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Why Hoarders is the BEST Show

I know when I'm watching bad television. One of the great things about Hoarders is that, even though it's rubbish, I still feel really good about myself because my life is better than the lives of the people who are on the show. 


Here are some reasons why I think Hoarders is the GREATEST:

• Some people keep chainsaws in their kitchen cupboards. 
• This lady's all like: "Be careful with my collection of garden magazines from 1957". Said collection has literally been lying under rat shit. 
• Sometimes the background music sounds like the music off Home Alone when Kevin is boobytrapping the house. 
• Many of the hoarders invariably fail at sorting their things out. As Wes Anderson taught us, failure is always more interesting than success. At the end of the show, sometimes it will tell you something like "Child Protective Services decided that Wendy is still a malicious hoarder and she cannot have her children back. Wendy had a heart attack under a pile of newly acquired boxes six weeks ago." Then I think, what the fuck did I just spend an hour watching? I like that it's real. So real. 
• Sometimes there are cute husbands who haven't divorced their hoarder wives yet because they really love them. 'Til death and all that. 
• Sad is refreshing. I was watching this special on animal hoarders, and there was this old lesbian couple who decided it was their mission to save all the animals of the world. Maybe like Noah's Ark but without the ark, and without Noah. In turn, they had so many animals that they couldn't look after any of them and they were all starving and manky and barky. 
• Here is a tag line for one of the episodes: 'Every room in Phyllis' house is packed with dolls. Her obsession has manifested itself into a floor to ceiling collection of bags stuffed with dolls, and a doll hospital in a spare bedroom where she "amputates" the limbs.' HOW COULD YOU NOT WATCH THAT?

Here are some quotes and pictures if you wanna see!!

From someone, in some episode: "She prefers to be alone. I think the collecting of things is kind of... her people." 
BUY A GRAMMAR! 


Look! This slipper was half-eaten by a rat! Why do you have it‽‽‽

The guys who work on the clean-up team are hilarious. In one episode, Kerrylea was crying because there was a missing piece of a broken tile which she needed to glue the tile back together. This is Kerrylea: 

She kinda sucks at life. Also, her name is Kerrylea.


One of the clean-up boys was all like: "We probably just threw out the piece of tile because...um...it was a broken piece of tile." Just by looking at his face you know he's thinking 'I wanna through out all this junk and get the eff out of here I hate my life.' 

Scandals like this happen: 

SCANDAL! DISASTROUS!
No, you can't press play. It's just a silly screenshot.  


"My name is Gary and I'm unemployed. Yeah, I got too many bunnies."
Also from Gary: "I've never done nothing wrong in my life. Misdemeanors, yeah, that's growing up and stuff like that. What did I do wrong? I have bunnies. That's what I did wrong."


"Peanut butter jars are NOT construction supplies!" - A daughter to her father. 


Check out this lady:

She was already a hoarder. Then she decides that she's going to get some crystals to help with her hoarding. Nek minnit, she is hoarding crystals. Oh the irony. 


I hope you appreciate all the research which has gone into this show. Primarily, this entailed watching Hoarders for hours. 


Other thoughts from me this week:

• Last night I had a dream where I went to the doctor's and they gave me breast implants. (I don't know who 'they' were.) I woke up and had to make sure I didn't have too much boob because I didn't know if I was dreaming. In the dream my nipples were in funny places. It was bizarre.
• My flatmate brought toast cutter that makes a piece of toast into two dinosaurs! I LOVE HER! Not only does it dinosaur, it also multiplies! (I just made dinosaur into a verb. That happened.)
• I'm going to run in a half marathon soon. Then a full marathon. I will turn awesome! I'm also going to be one of those annoying people who will want to show people my toned thighs and tell them how I love to leave parties early and get up at 5am to run for two hours when it's pissing down with rain. I know THEY WON'T GET IT! 
• Watch this! It's from Pokemon. 

I gotta go. 


I will write again sooooon.


Liz Tritops


xoxo

I Made A Slideshow Thingy

I decided to be an eight year old and make a Powerpoint presentation. This could be the worst thing you ever read.

New high or new low?

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I want there to be a really good way to drink coffee in the shower. Stroke two birds with one stick!
• I think it would be awesome to keep a fox as a pet. LOOK AT THESE LITTLE GUYS!  Just kidding. That's a Pokemon. Apparently real foxes freak out at people and salivate everywhere, shit themselves, and die. 
• Those 'Prove You're Not A Robot' computer scrambled word code thingies confuse me. Sometimes I can't read them, and then I wonder if I'm really a robot. Do you get that too?
• WATCH THIS!

That's all I got right now.

Ok bye.

Liz Tritops

xoxo