Halloween 101

Hi Halloween

You're mostly new to me because:

1) I'm from a small and isolated island which struggles to celebrate things with gusto. Sometimes we try to copy American traditions because we see them on the telly and we think they might be fun, but we kinda suck at it. 
2) One of the main halloween activities, Trick-or-treating, was never allowed by Mother. This is because she is 55% CrazyChristian. Don't worry though, she's also a nice lady. Some other parents just thought it was rude to bang on peoples' doors asking for lollies. Fairplay. 

I think I really like Halloween, I just need to find out for sure. Is 23 too old to start Trick-or-treating? Here's my take on it: In Halloween years, I'm an infant. So if anything, I'm too young to be Trick-or-treating. I will go with my friend who is sufficiently small that she can look like a child if she tries hard enough. Pigtails? Scrunchies? Child-like voice? Over-excitement about candy? Tonight, we ARE young! 
Mean Girls taught me to dress like a slut for Halloween. Am I going to? No. I think I will be Mario. I look good with a moustache. I would wear one everyday if society would allow it. 

Here are some things that have confused me about Halloween thus far:
- I had no idea that there were special pumpkins for carving and people grew them in patches. I don't know how to carve pumpkins but I'm excited! My friend and I went to a pumpkin patch on this island close to Portland. A highlight was seeing cute Asians taking cute photos of a cute puppy in amongst many tiny pumpkins. It was like Where's Wally? but instead it was 'Where's Puppy?'. Except that it wasn't as difficult as Where's Wally? because puppy looked nothing like pumpkins, and puppy wouldn't stay still.  (So really it wasn't like Where's Wally? at all. Bah. I guess I just wanted it to be.) I was classy and took a photo of Asians taking photos. METAMETA. Another highlight was seeing more than five white trash people. I enjoy this because it makes me feel good about myself. 
- How can something that looks and feels like plastic taste so good? Yeah, candy corn. I'm talking about you! 
- So many things to buy! Look at these 'humorous' pet costumes. I haven't tried much of all the Halloween-specific candy, and, to be honest, right now I'm scared that there is too much candy and not enough time. This is where I become desperate and start doing things like finding recipes for candy corn smoothies, and subsequently turning something which is supposed to be healthy for you into a request for diabetes.   
- I had heard the term 'hayride' before but I didn't really understand what it was. Turns out you just sit on top of some hay in the back of a truck. While this was perfectly satisfactory, and somewhat idilic, I did think it was going to be more racy and adventurous, like a Ferris wheel on hay bales, or like the Giant Drop, but you don't just drop a giant distance, you also land in a big pile of hay. This would probably be a bit shit if you have Hayfever, but I'm not allergic to anything so fuck the rest, right? If you try telling me that 'Hayfever isn't actually caused by hay' in a wanky I-know-more-than-you voice, then I will just laugh at you for being allergic to pet dander, gluten, water, glucose, shells, fish, shellfish, and boys. And hay.
- Mischief night: Have you heard of it and do you do mischief? Supposedly it's an excuse to run around and do slightly bad things, but only on the night before Halloween. 
- Pumpkin-flavoured everything! TEA! COFFEE! PIES! BREAD! CREAM CHEESE! VODKA! BEER! PUMPKINGASM! 

I am acting as a Halloween protégé for my flatmate. She is excited because not only does she love Halloween, but she also gets to make me do many fun things with her. Essentially, it's a massive win-win. 'They' tell me that part of the Halloween experience is watching scary movies. Some of these movies make me feel funny. Every time I watch something involving torture I feel really icky. I don't know how normal people enjoy these movies. From now on, we are only allowed watch cute Halloween movies. Am I soft? Maybe.  

All of that aside, surely Halloween walks of shame are at least five times funnier. 

I'm giving Americana a gold star right now. 

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I think I will marry a Greek man. The main reason for this is so I can have a surname that sounds much more like a genus of dinosaur.
• I did that thing that I announced a few months ago, which was to run a half marathon. I had fun almost for the whole 21k and now I want to run 42k and maybe even more than that. Soon I will be Batman! 
• How do people think mazes are fun? There is nothing fun about getting lost and having to find your way. Yes, I know it's a 'game'. It's probably not that huge or that difficult, but what if you actually can't get out? 
• Watch this! You really must. 

Thanks for reading and I hope you have the BEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER! 

Bye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

Adventures in Whole Foods

Going to Whole Foods involves spending all your money on organic, gluten free, free range, and vegan things.You love all the animals as much as you love your leather boots, and you smoke your American Spirits because you love your country.

You feel healthy just walking inside!

Here are some things that happen at Whole Foods:

- Sometimes you see 'half foods' and 'quarter foods' or foods which are cut into even smaller pieces. 
- Yoga Mums with yoga bums in yoga pants.
- Their three-year-olds smell like antioxidants and have distinctly smoother skin than the three-year-olds one would see at Walmart.
- There are many under-employed hipsters. Don't worry, they still have their trust funds!
- One time I went up to the mezzanine level of whole foods and was given a tasty smoothie which I think they sell for $37.50. Inside of smoothie was bananas, dates, soy milk, and peanut butter. It was amazing. You should make it for $2.50 at home. 
- All of the cashiers don't actually believe in time. I know this because every time I wait in line, the cashier doesn't have any sense of this thing called 'urgency'. Too high? Maybe. I feel strongly that the novel concept of 'urgency' should be used when there is a queue-type situation happening.  See, normal, non-hipster people actually have things to do at certain times, thus allowing the world to work with more efficiency. This is why conversations should end once payment for groceries has been made. I know putting things in paper bags can be tricksy. It's harder than Tetris. But if I could do it when I was 15, then the good sir who looks 32 AND has intelligence in his eyes should be able to figure it out. 
- I just wasted an hour playing Tetris because that's how easily I get distracted. 
- All of the girl cashiers wear bandanas as headbands, because they haven't realised that all of them are doing it yet.
- Buy a 'Make your own kombucha!' kit! It only takes 30 days to make!
- Wait. Don't buy one. By the time it ferments, kombucha will be OVER.
- One time I got served by a guy whose name I know but will not mention. He has those thick-framed glasses that he doesn't actually need. Also, I can't work out if he is really young or really old if youknowwhatimean. It makes me feel funny. When he checked my I.D. he made some comment about how awesome it is that I'm from New Zealand because it's obviously the closest thing to paradise and how I'm so worldly, and how all his colleagues are really dumb because he bets 'none of them even know who Julian Assange is, but they're still allowed to vote'! He proceeds to talk to me about Julian Assange for five minutes while packing my groceries as slowly as possible so that he can finish his rant. I was late to be important. 
- It's okay because he's attractive. 
- Let's also buy bottled water for our dogs. French Bulldogs do deserve the best. 

Now all I want to do is run away to go work in a communal farm in Hawaii. Yes! I have three months for that...

Nothing further.

Have a great day

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Made a Flowchart About Hybrid Animals

Sometimes I get a sharp pang of jealousy when I find out that people I know have their lives more sorted than me. 
'Sorted' may or may not mean:
- They are dressed more nicely and being more thin.
- They are buying blenders and their first mattresses which were not the second cheapest in the store.
- They may also be buying Christmas ornaments and blenders, because they know where they live, AND they have prettier Christmases than me, and make nicer smoothies than me.  
- They have long post-class conversations with their yoga teacher, whose name is either Winter or Ginseng.
- They have a new puppy, or their boyfriend has a new puppy. Maybe even both? The puppies play together. 

In these moments of jealousy, I feel like it's high time I did something to arrange a job where:
- I get to wear power heels, but it's okay because I magically, overnight, learned how to walk like a godess in them. 
- I go to Monday morning meetings, and I LIKE THEM because...
- I have a mimosa before my Monday morning meetings. I know you're thinking 'but Liz, mimosas are for Sunday brunch, not Monday morning!' Wait! I love my job so much that Monday morning is to be celebrated, dammit!
- Mimosa is prepared by boyfriend with new puppy. Soon, puppy will be trained to make mimosa so I can stay in bed with boyfriend. 
- Don't worry, I already secretly ran 10k. 
- Monday morning meeting has everything catered by high-end catering company, so I can have mini croissants if I want to, but I don't even eat those! The main reason is so I can judge the girls who DO eat the mini croissants. Do I judge the men who eat them? Of course not. That would be absurd.
- There are numerous opportunities for promotion. I can earn promotion by A) Blowing the boss. B) Working my arse off. C). Just by being so charming that everyone loves me and wants me at ALL the important meetings and business trips because I make them laugh AND maybe I can be pretty too? 
- I have the freedom to choose either B), or C). Maybe A) in desperate times!

Sometimes, I wish I knew where this job was.

Other times, I would rather just play and take trips in planes and make flowcharts. 

Here is a flowchart which I made yesterday. It is about hybrid animals. I hope you like it!

(I am still a little shit with computers. It's kind of small.) 

Have a good weekend!

Loveyoubye

xoxo

Liz Tritops

Some Things Happened in Colombia

Hello. 

Look! I'm writing again!

I went to Colombia and I've been really busy so I haven't posted in a good while.
I'm going to be really ambitious and try to post four times this week! That's more than three and less than five, and amounts to a lot of homework for me and hopefully some procrastination for you. 

Here are some things that people said before I went to Colombia:

Them: "Don't get kidnapped!" 
OKAY I WON'T. 

Them: "Watch out for the gorillas!" 
I don't think there are gorillas in Colombia, although I did see some at the zoo. They were locked-in so I didn't really need to worry about them attacking me. 

Stupid people: "Ooohhhhh....that's dangerous! Why would you want to go there?" 
Me: "Have you been to Colombia before?" 
Stupid people: "No."
Me: "What's wrong with Colombia?"
Stupid people: "murphm...hmmm....some guy named paulo escobar something cocaine something guns...i dont no omg gtg lolz."

Now look at me being all alive. 

Here are some things that happened:

• I met a lot of short, friendly people.
• I saw these crabs that have one really big claw to fight for females, and the other claw is really small and they use that one to eat. Way to violate symmetry, you fuckers! These two are having a show-off. I think this is a premise for a great reality show. The contestants have to workout, but only one arm. This arm gets real massive!  Then they leave the other one normal sized. The contestants could fight for a woman (Bachelorette-esk?) using only their massive arm, and then they have to eat with only their other arm. They would (obviously!) all live in a house together. Great idea. I call it 'When People Become Fiddler Crabs: The Fight For Love'. Hell, if they can make shit like The Next Bus, then anything goes.
• I travelled quite a long way to find real ligers because my book told me that I could find them, and even the zoo's website told me so. I was more excited than you can imagine because I doubt that there are many places in the world where you can find ligers. So I show up at the zoo but they don't even have ligers anymore and I aske why not, and the guy said that it was illegal to breed them and they get too sick and die. On the upside, I saw some other animals that I wanted to steal and keep as pets. Like this little guy:

• I saw a child dressed exactly like Woody from Toy Story. I decided that when I have children I might also dress them like characters from excellent movies.
• This is a kid with a bowl cut doing nothing. 

• I don't know why I'm showing you that. 
• Lying in a hammock happened.
• Whilst lying in hammock, I decided I might move to Canada when I'm done with the USA and also I need to do more economics-y things. 
• I saw heaps of new kinds of fruit that I didn't even know existed! Most of them were really tasty, but some were hard to eat. I feel like even if it tastes really good but it makes your fingers too sticky and you get lots of things in your teeth and it takes 27 minutes to eat then maybe it's just not worth it. There was this thing that was orange-shaped and orange-sized that tasted a little like a mango. It was quite hard to eat. If you know how I feel about mango, then you know that mango is my favourite fruit. But even with this mango-like thing, I feel like the payoff wasn't sufficient. 
• Imagine me explaining this concept to a starving child in Somalia. 
• I had heaps of fun. 

I hope you enjoyed reading about my time on holiday.

Have a great day.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

High School Was Okay

Some people really hated high school. I didn't. 

Here's why high school was okay:

• Sometimes I was the captain of sports teams like football and dragon boating and it made me feel good at life and a little important.
• I liked to play sport and I was smaller than I am now! That was great! We got to wear blue uniforms for football which is my favourite color to wear when playing THE BEST SPORT. Our uniforms were silky and big; they kind of looked more like pajamas, but I was okay with that because they were comfy and shiny things go faster.  
• There was a rumour going around that this skanky girl had an STI that made her bleed out her anus. I don't think such an STI exists, but it was fun to pass on the rumour (don't worry, I'm only 2% bitch) and it was also fun to say 'anus'.
• I worked at a supermarket when I was 15 and one of my friends and I used to play a game with the food from the produce section, coz thats how cool we were. When we put something like a banana or an apple or a tomato or any other fruit/vegetable type thang through the checkouts we had to ring-up a number, oldskool style. If you were really good, you knew all the codes (PLUs) and could tell the 9,000 types of pears apart from each other. So at school, whenever me and this girl, let's call her Rosamund (this may or may not have been her name. Hint: It was), saw some food that had a PLU, we would have to shout out this 4-digit code, and whoever got it first, won. 'Won what?', you might ask. Er...nothing. 
• In hindsight, maybe working at a supermarket made me realise that high school was comparitively more fun than repeatedly scanning things for people on checkouts, and that I would never want to be stuck doing that for the rest of my life. Apparently I learned an importland lesson: SUCCESSFUL BITCHEZ FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. 
• I like learning! I remember this one lesson we had in biology where we learned about the different sleep cycles animals have. I liked the crepuscular ones the best because they're different and also I think crabs are kind of neat. Then I became crepuscular for a while. Not because I wanted to be a crab or anything like that; I think I just got really excited that crepuscular things even exist so my body decided to try and make me crepuscular on some kind of sub-conscious level. 

Here are a few reasons I like crabs: 

1. I already told you that they are crepuscular. 
2. Most of them move sideways, but not all of them! 
3. The ones that move sideways don't even walk, they slide. Or something. 
4. Thanks to crabs, we have the word 'crabwise'.
5. They talk to each other by drumming or waving their pincers. Much like Italians, yes?

• Biology was actually great (minus for too many years I had this old and boring teacher with cankles). I found it fun to learn about evolution. Sometimes I would look at people and decide what they looked like the most: Example: Does the kid walking into the art block look more like a neanderthal or a homo habilis? NERDALERT? Maybes. 
• Titrating was fun.
• Camp was fun. 
• Sleeping in calculus was fun. 
• Drama class was glorified playtime. 
• P.E. was ACTUAL playtime. 
• The teacher that lied to me about guerrilla warfare and the potato famine was a disaster but also hilarious. 
• WHO WAS HAVING SEX AND WHO WASN'T? WOW!!!!
• I liked wearing a uniform. It was official, and neat, and you didn't have to worry about what to wear everyday. I especially liked wearing a tie. I wore it everyday, partly for status (only the older kids were allowed), but also because I freaking love ties! They're not just for men or punks or lesbians, people! We also wore kilts. This might sound weird, but it wasn't because I was in CHRISTCHURCH. 
• Then I went to high school in Argentina and it was quite different but also fun. Maybe I will write about that one day. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• I took life into my own hands and decided to learn the laundry symbols. This one DOES NOT mean keep your button in a box:

• After learning about the laundry symbols, I made up a game called 'Hieroglyphic or Laundry Symbol'. I draw a thing which is either a laundry symbol or a hieroglyphic on a little piece of paper and I make people guess which thing it is! Great game!
• How the fuck do these dolls exist? Apparently grandmas used to make them. Thanks grandma! Ew. 
• ...and here is a dog stealing a cabbage. WATCH IT!

I think that's all.

Byebye

Liz Tritops

xoxo

I Have Three Talents And You Do Too!

A friend of mine called Meg taught me that everyone has three talents. I told her she was wrong. She loves it when I get all argue-y.

Then I thought about it.

I am average-to-good at some things. Like economics. And dinosaurs. And lighting fires. And baking. And making charts which not only chart things, but also flow things. I think they call them 'flowcharts'.

I am average-to-bad at some things. Like talking on the phone. And playing Risk. Coz I hate losing, I avoid playing Risk at all costs. It ruins friendships. You make an alliance, and then someone screws you over and attacks Kamchatka and that's a funny word. If winter is approaching, you know not to attack the Ukraine coz shit's too cold. YOUR TANKS WILL FREEZE!!!

I am real shit at other things. Like drawing. I could draw better when I was 4. I also can't put up tents. I also can't walk in heels.

With a little more thought, I realised that there are 3 things that I am ridiculously awesome at:

1. Sleeping on my face.

2. Holding my breath.

3. Cutting my food with fork.

Re: Sleeping on my face

For the last six years, I have been sleeping on my face. People tell me I look like I am dead. I just kind of lie on my tummy with my legs splayed out and my forehead resting under my arm and my face IN my pillow. Why am I alive?

Re: Holding my breath

This could be a direct result of numero uno. I can seriously hold my breath for a fucking long time. Through the Lyttelton Tunnel (1945m). Over the Rakaia Bridge (no idea how long that guy is). This one time, I held my breath under water for 2 minutes and 56 seconds! When I used to be in finance lectures and I was bored as hell I would hold my breath for a minute, then I rest for another, then I hold for another minute...so on and so on...and then class is over, and I may or may not have improved one of my talents!

Re: Cutting my food with fork

I think this stems from a general retardation of myself. I have no fork-mouth co-ordination on my left side. The contents of my fork will fall to my plate or I will stab my cheek. Then it's all over. With the realisation of this, I thought it was time to cut my losses. I ditched the knife, and proceeded to eat one-handed. I can now cut anything with a fork. Seriously. Try me.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? WHY AM I YELLING AT YOU??? Some good has to come out of this. What is the point in having these three amazing talents, just to have them go to waste? The only thing I can come up with is that if the world suddenly ran outa oxygen, and we could only eat with forks, and only sleep on our faces, it would be survival of the fittest and I would WIN. And then I would breed with someone and we would make a Super Race! That is all.

Other thoughts from me this week: 

• I would kind of like a koi pond. Not because I really want a koi pond, but more because I want to be able to say I have a koi pond. Say it. 'Koi pond'. It sounds fun. Say it again. I dare you!!! Koi pond! Koi pond! Koi pond! 
• The smell of lavender is just...so....meh? You know? I'm so indifferent. 
• I have this thing where I like to wear my socks. Without shoes. Then I get holes in all my socks. And it doesn't even matter that I'm all good at wearing matchy-matchy socks with fun patterns like stripes and dots on them (the ones with stripes make me go faster!) because they look like shit. Then people tell me I have holes in my socks and they look at me like on a scale of one to orphan I'm, like, an 8. Maybe even an 8.5. NO, I'M NOT AN ORPHAN! MY PARENTS ARE ALIVE BUT I'M TOO OLD FOR THEM TO BUY ME NEW SOCKS EVERY TWO WEEKS! 
• Watch this! It's from 1995!

I like you all.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

How I Know I Am Not A Real Adult

I'm 23. Sometimes I don't feel like it. Here's why:

• Star charts are not only pretty, but they also help me achive things. My flatmate and I made a star chart and we get stars for doing exercise and we call it Starwars!! 
• I don't wash my colours separately. Is that a thing people are supposed to do or a thing Mum told us to do because she thought that it would be a fun game and maybe we can learn colours better if we put our laundry in the appropriate basket? When I was a kid we had a laundry chute for a while. That was fun. Only problem was the laundry chute didn't connect to anything. Duh. 
• I refuse to buy envelopes, so I pay my rent cheque in a carefully folded-up piece of paper and write on it 'This is a very professional looking envelope.' It's time to pretend. What else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute? Oh hai MGMT. 
• I don't see why there can't be lego to play with EVERYWHERE. Like in cafés. And bars. And at the dentist's. For that matter, lego should be available pretty much anywhere with a reception. I can't think of anything more soothing than being allowed to play with lego before getting your cunt waxed or your teeth pulled. I hope you agree!
• Fairy bread is still great. Fairy bread is a common children's birthday party treat in New Zealand. It's white sandwich bread cut into triangles and covered with sprinkles/Hundreds and Thousands. Very fun! 
• How does one go about folding sheets if one's arms are not 2m long? 
• How are farts STILL funny?
• 40-proof 'adult' chocolate milk. Chocolate milk in general. 
• What the hell do you even put fennel with?
• When walking past a playground, and seeing that there are available swings to swing on, not taking this opportunity to swing on them is like saying a big fuck you to everything fun in the world. 
• I think grown ups own wine glasses, and maybe a decent set of knives. I own neither. If you're a 'better' adult (let's call it a 'Level 2' adult), you even get to go to a specialised knife shop to buy your set of knives, and you use each knife for it's correct purpose. All I know is that the smallest knife is awesome for opening OtterPops. 
• Don't I need a pen that I carry around with me so that I can act all wanky and sign with my own $400 thing? 
• Sometimes I still go to work hungover. When this happens, I tend to make very little effort with my appearance, because hungover bitchez don't deserve mascara, in the same way that if you don't do your homework, you don't deserve to plaaay. 
• Always cut toast into smaller pieces, because a whole piece of toast is actually quite big to pick up and is weird to hold. 
• I like to eat baby food. 
• Kidding. Did I trick you?
• I still judge boys on their looks rather than their trust funds. Rookie mistake. 
• What's an oil change and why does my Father keep looking at me like I don't know how to take care of my car?
• Never stop building forts. 
• Never stop putting dinosaur stickers on things. 

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Over the course of the last few days, I have seen not one, but two pretty ladies who have been wearing cute little dresses and look rather nice. Then I see a fluffy yet spiky tuft of armpit hair. Is this a thing? Like, a new thing? Maybe a Portland thing? Answers, please. 
• I didn't really think about anything else this week. Except maybe that 'turquoise' sounds more like an animal than a colour. 
• Watch this! It's kinda icky. 

That's all. I must go back to work now!

LOVEYOUBYE

Liz Tritops

xoxo