I Made a Flowchart About Hybrid Animals

Sometimes I get a sharp pang of jealousy when I find out that people I know have their lives more sorted than me. 
'Sorted' may or may not mean:
- They are dressed more nicely and being more thin.
- They are buying blenders and their first mattresses which were not the second cheapest in the store.
- They may also be buying Christmas ornaments and blenders, because they know where they live, AND they have prettier Christmases than me, and make nicer smoothies than me.  
- They have long post-class conversations with their yoga teacher, whose name is either Winter or Ginseng.
- They have a new puppy, or their boyfriend has a new puppy. Maybe even both? The puppies play together. 

In these moments of jealousy, I feel like it's high time I did something to arrange a job where:
- I get to wear power heels, but it's okay because I magically, overnight, learned how to walk like a godess in them. 
- I go to Monday morning meetings, and I LIKE THEM because...
- I have a mimosa before my Monday morning meetings. I know you're thinking 'but Liz, mimosas are for Sunday brunch, not Monday morning!' Wait! I love my job so much that Monday morning is to be celebrated, dammit!
- Mimosa is prepared by boyfriend with new puppy. Soon, puppy will be trained to make mimosa so I can stay in bed with boyfriend. 
- Don't worry, I already secretly ran 10k. 
- Monday morning meeting has everything catered by high-end catering company, so I can have mini croissants if I want to, but I don't even eat those! The main reason is so I can judge the girls who DO eat the mini croissants. Do I judge the men who eat them? Of course not. That would be absurd.
- There are numerous opportunities for promotion. I can earn promotion by A) Blowing the boss. B) Working my arse off. C). Just by being so charming that everyone loves me and wants me at ALL the important meetings and business trips because I make them laugh AND maybe I can be pretty too? 
- I have the freedom to choose either B), or C). Maybe A) in desperate times!

Sometimes, I wish I knew where this job was.

Other times, I would rather just play and take trips in planes and make flowcharts. 

Here is a flowchart which I made yesterday. It is about hybrid animals. I hope you like it!

(I am still a little shit with computers. It's kind of small.) 

Have a good weekend!

Loveyoubye

xoxo

Liz Tritops

Some Things Happened in Colombia

Hello. 

Look! I'm writing again!

I went to Colombia and I've been really busy so I haven't posted in a good while.
I'm going to be really ambitious and try to post four times this week! That's more than three and less than five, and amounts to a lot of homework for me and hopefully some procrastination for you. 

Here are some things that people said before I went to Colombia:

Them: "Don't get kidnapped!" 
OKAY I WON'T. 

Them: "Watch out for the gorillas!" 
I don't think there are gorillas in Colombia, although I did see some at the zoo. They were locked-in so I didn't really need to worry about them attacking me. 

Stupid people: "Ooohhhhh....that's dangerous! Why would you want to go there?" 
Me: "Have you been to Colombia before?" 
Stupid people: "No."
Me: "What's wrong with Colombia?"
Stupid people: "murphm...hmmm....some guy named paulo escobar something cocaine something guns...i dont no omg gtg lolz."

Now look at me being all alive. 

Here are some things that happened:

• I met a lot of short, friendly people.
• I saw these crabs that have one really big claw to fight for females, and the other claw is really small and they use that one to eat. Way to violate symmetry, you fuckers! These two are having a show-off. I think this is a premise for a great reality show. The contestants have to workout, but only one arm. This arm gets real massive!  Then they leave the other one normal sized. The contestants could fight for a woman (Bachelorette-esk?) using only their massive arm, and then they have to eat with only their other arm. They would (obviously!) all live in a house together. Great idea. I call it 'When People Become Fiddler Crabs: The Fight For Love'. Hell, if they can make shit like The Next Bus, then anything goes.
• I travelled quite a long way to find real ligers because my book told me that I could find them, and even the zoo's website told me so. I was more excited than you can imagine because I doubt that there are many places in the world where you can find ligers. So I show up at the zoo but they don't even have ligers anymore and I aske why not, and the guy said that it was illegal to breed them and they get too sick and die. On the upside, I saw some other animals that I wanted to steal and keep as pets. Like this little guy:

• I saw a child dressed exactly like Woody from Toy Story. I decided that when I have children I might also dress them like characters from excellent movies.
• This is a kid with a bowl cut doing nothing. 

• I don't know why I'm showing you that. 
• Lying in a hammock happened.
• Whilst lying in hammock, I decided I might move to Canada when I'm done with the USA and also I need to do more economics-y things. 
• I saw heaps of new kinds of fruit that I didn't even know existed! Most of them were really tasty, but some were hard to eat. I feel like even if it tastes really good but it makes your fingers too sticky and you get lots of things in your teeth and it takes 27 minutes to eat then maybe it's just not worth it. There was this thing that was orange-shaped and orange-sized that tasted a little like a mango. It was quite hard to eat. If you know how I feel about mango, then you know that mango is my favourite fruit. But even with this mango-like thing, I feel like the payoff wasn't sufficient. 
• Imagine me explaining this concept to a starving child in Somalia. 
• I had heaps of fun. 

I hope you enjoyed reading about my time on holiday.

Have a great day.

Liz Tritops

xoxo

My History Teacher

Hello! 


Here is a story about high school.  


I hade an awful social studies/history teacher for four years. She lied to me, and did other silly things like lose her glasses when they were on top of her head. She played with her things too much when she talked; she used to strangle herself a little bit with her necklace and break the pens that she was holding.


This one time we were learning about dykes and I asked her what a volcanic dyke was because I didn't really know. Also I was 14 so I found that kind of thing hilarious. She then went and did a search on the internet for 'dykes'. I like to think SafeSearch was tuned off. 


I think she was a nice lady but probably shouldn't have been a teacher. I would want her as a grandma instead of someone who got us to do posters every week for a year. She was short and fat like Nicole Kidman #2 (see below), wore lots of beads, always wore dresses and skirts instead of pants, and had a hard time being grumpy but a soft time being flustered. She would 'forget' her photocopying, tell us she was going to go back to remember it, then come back 20 minutes later with nothing and pretend nothing had happend, and continue use the word 'actually' a bijaillion times per sentence. She would also start sentences with 'is that'. THIS MAKES NO SENSE! For example, she would say: 'Is that I actually want you to cut out some pictures from these magazines and actually stick them onto a sheet of A3 paper because you will actually learn a lot about history', or 'Is that World War 2 was actually started by Chile and Norway but not many people actually know that this actually happened.'


Here are the three things which I will never forgive her for:

1. She told our class that her daughter looked like Nicole Kidman. One day, I saw her daughter walking through the school and she was short, really fat, and quite unattractive. 
2. She told our class that the Irish potato famine NEVER HAPPENED. Look lady, it happened. I was there. JK JK LOL Trickedya! I wasn't there. But I'm pretty sure that one million people died 'coz the potatoes caught blight. If I were a potato, I wouldn't want blight. It makes you all rotten and shrunken and shitty. I think it's fun to say potato in an Irish accent, mostly because it's the only word I can do. 'pɑteto'. Go on. Try it!
3. She told our class that guerilla warfare was named as such because it's derived from the way gorillas fight. Even my 12 year old self was smart enough to know that she was making things up. Firstly, it's spelt differently. Secondly, gorillas don't attack unless they feel threatened, and they don't really ambush or raid. They just use their fists and it looks a bit like fun. As for guerilla warfare, Che Guevara quite liked explosives. Hey Gorillas! Where are your bombs at?

Other thoughts from me this week:

• Raspberry has a 'p' in it. So does cupboard. It's a board that you put your cups on. 
• Ligers are bigger than both tigers and lions. HOW DO THEY DO IT‽ Also, you can buy a zorse here. (Maybe don't click on that link, It's a terrible site, and it's hard to find how much it will cost me to acquire a zorse. Zorse. Zorse. I love saying that word, even if it's only in my head.)  When I'm a billionaire I will have a zoo filled with hybrids. Zorses, ligers, camas, leopons, grolar bears, geeps, pipizzlies, etc.  The zoo will be open forever (may be unrealistic??? NOTHING CAN BREED). It will be surrounded by a moat because all the hybrids like moats just as much as me. 
• I really don't like teal. It doesn't know if it's blue or green. Come on buddy, figure it out. 
• WATCH THIS!

Bye bye. 

xoxo

Liz Tritops